The 15 Worst Albums Of 2012

Everything about 2012 sucked - including pop music. I can't remember another year when I struggled to find a single album to enjoy from beginning to end. There were quite a few good ones but only a handful of truly great records. On the flip side, there was no shortage of stinkers. I feel like the music industry is in a rut. The electro-dance trend is finally running out of steam and other genres (apart from country) simply don't sell at the moment. So what's a bitch to do? Record a lazy, half-arsed album that just treads water turned out to be the popular choice.

As such, putting this list together too easy. I could have made a top 50 but couldn't be fucked revisiting that many shockers. Instead I chose to concentrate on the main offenders. Surprisingly, a number of former faves are included. It pains me to admit that many of these divas were once near and dear to me. Of course there are also a bunch of regulars that continue to commit crimes against music. Speaking of which, I should give Leona Lewis a special shout out. Glassheart is her first album not to feature on my annual 'worst of' countdown. It's not gonna make my best of countdown either but congratultions are still in order!

So here goes. These are the 15 worst albums of 2012:

15. Fear & Freedom - Ricki-Lee

Oh look, it's my old friend Ricki-Lee! I don't know where to start with this saga. After years of blind fandom - search the site - I wrote a critical review of her "Do It Like That" video and triggered World War III. It was all a bit embarrassing but I still had high hopes for Fear & Freedom. After all, "Raining Diamonds" was a triumph and Ricki has some of the best pipes in the country. Unfortunately, her third offering is a collection of limp dance anthems that Melissa Tkautz would turn down for being too dated. Frustratingly, there are a couple of gems. I love the current single "Burn It Down" and think "Never Let Go" is a hit. The rest is as generic as Homebrand toilet paper.

14. The Truth About Love - Pink

This album was great when it was originally released as I'm Not Dead. It was slightly less enjoyable when rehashed as Funhouse and almost unlistenable the third time around with the exception of "Try". Which is a cover anyway. When are people going to wake up to this fraud?

13. Timomatic - Timomatic

How ridiculous is that cover art? Tim looks like a gay pimp that was just assaulted by the world's worst Photoshop newcomer. Sadly, the music isn't much better. The first two singles were magnificent - particularly the epic "If Looks Could Kill" - but the rest is generic urban-dance trash that Chris Brown wouldn't piss on. I think Tim has talent but, on the evidence of this, very little charisma and no versatility. Maybe a career as a dancer is the way forward?

12. Electra Heart - Marina & The Diamonds

Now this stings. I've been supporting Marina since the beginning. In fact, I used to chat with her on Myspace before she was even signed. And then it all came together. The pre-debut vinyl EPs moved me to tears and The Family Jewels hit all the right notes. But it didn't sell and that obviously rubbed the openly ambitious Marina the wrong way. So she worked with a bunch of big producers, dumbed down her sound and limited her lyrical scope to standard radio fare. Electra Heart produced one hit single but ultimately sank faster than the Bionic. I hope it's a lesson learned.

11. Tresspassing - Adam Lambert

I really want to like Adam Lambert. He has all the makings of a great pop star - apart from good songs. What annoys me the most about Tresspassing is that he bragged about making the album he always wanted to make. So he spent his whole life dreaming of a poorly-executed Pink tribute album? Where is the guts? More disturbing, where is the glam? This is such a shitty, watered-down affair with no style and nothing even resembling a hit. I'd take his last, blatantly commercial album over this epic fail any day of the week.

10. Heartbreak On Hold - Alexandra Burke

This poor bitch. Alexandra realised that walking in Leona's middle-of-the-road footsteps would lead to ruin, so she tried to shake things up and reemerge as an edgy club diva. It was a pretty good plan until she had the misfortune of hooking up with the worst producers in the history of popular music. Dated doesn't begin to describe these tired-as-fuck beats. I blame the label. Releasing something this poorly crafted is just setting someone up to fail. Oh well, there's always Celebrity Big Brother. Right?

9. Halycon - Ellie Goulding

Chalk this up as another bitter disappointment. I loved her debut despite those ricepaper thin vocals and limited lyrical scope. Ellie was just starting to get some serious traction with US top 10 hit "Lights" and then decides to turn her back on the perky synthpop sound that made her famous in favour of meandering indie-pop fare and semi-acoustic ballads. Why? With the exception of "Anything Could Happen", Halcyon is bereft of hits - and even decent filler for that matter. This is the perfect example of someone pushing boundaries in all the wrong directions.

8. A Million Lights - Cheryl

How do you solve a problem like Cheryl? My suggestion is a bullet.

7. Unapologetic - Rihanna

Read my review. I hear it's really popular with The Navy! You know, this is such a sad little record. Unapologetic is just two good songs slapped together with a bunch of filler to get something on shelves in time for Christmas. Def Jam clearly has no long term plan for Rih or they wouldn't be churning through whatever goodwill she has left after Talk That Talk with another basic-as-fuck rush job.

6. Anxiety - Ladyhawke

I've heard of the sophomore slump but Ladyhawke committed sophomore suicide with this jaw-droppingly dreadful effort. I defy you to find one decent chorus on this stinking piece of shit! It makes me wonder who selected the songs for her debut because this is proof that Pip had no involvement in that flawless pop gem whatsoever. Let's just play "My Delirium" and pretend this never happened. Please.

5. Ten - Girls Aloud

Excuse my while I laugh my fucking arse off. These five talentless cunts really thought they were something special despite never denting a chart outside the UK. To the extent that they all embarked on solo careers and flopped one after the other. Honestly, it was like watching lemmings walk off a cliff!

So with no career prospects left, the already washed-up divas reunite for a Greatest Hits album that barely scraped into the UK top 10 and fell down the charts like a brick being thrown from a second floor window. This tiresome collection of minor UK hits is painfully generic and boring. When are they going to throw in the towel and ask Nadine for a job at Tesco?

4. Roman Reloaded - Nicki Minaj

You know, I was here for Nicki when she broke. Pink Friday was a solid rap album with a couple of pop detours to keep radio interested. The genre was hers to own if she wanted. Instead, she reinvented herself as the female Pitbull on Roman Reloaded - singing generic club-bangers for undiscerning gay men. What the fuck? And yet, the Barbz lapped it up and radio kept playing her shit. I hope Onika enjoys her moment because I've noticed that the tide starting to turn. It's only a matter of time before she's trading mixtapes with Lil' Mama.

3. Infatuation - Kate Alexa

Sorry but I'm going to say it. How ugly do you have to be for someone to suggest your album cover would look better if you brushed your hair over your face? Good lord. The thing that annoys me the most about this abomination is that I was always in Kate's corner when she was being trashed by the media for being Michael Gudinsky's daughter. If my dad ran a record label, I'd expect some special treatment too!

And her first album was extremely cute. I liked all the singles and even stanned for "Teardrops" - her bizarre collab with Baby Bash. But this mess... is unforgivable. Who wrote and produced clangers like "Fucked Up Me", "I Deny" and "I Don't Think So"? I want to know so I can demand a written apology! And don't even start me on "X Rated". Of all the divas I want to hear singing about porn, Kate comes somewhere between Susan Boyle and Judith Durham.

2. Child Of The Universe - Delta Goodrem

Look at this smug bitch sitting at her stupid piano thinking she's a supermodel. Anyone would think she had a career outside of Australia! "Child Of The Universe" is another spectacularly empty and soulless affair that desperately tries to convey Delta's talent but really just showcases her vocal and lyrical shortcomings. And get off that fucking piano. You're not Yanni! Without her stint on The Voice, this would have disappeared in a matter of weeks. Oh it did anyway? GIRL, BYE.

1. MDNA - Madonna

Now let me pull up a comfortable chart because this might take a while. MDNA, or MDOA as I like to call it, is the absolute nadir of Madonna's painfully long career. She's had some lows - ie. every album she's released since Ray Of Light, especially the original Bionic otherwise known as Hard Candy - but I admire her business smarts. When you've been in the game since 1923, you pick up some tricks and the senior citizen is good at following a flop with a commercial album. Like when she bounced back from American Life with Confessions.

And that was obviously the plan this time around. To come back with the most generic, radio-friendly offering she could manage complete with rent-a-rapper Nicki Minaj and that other bitch that noone cares about. So how did it all go so wrong? Some people said she was too old for dance music. There are parts of Madonna that are younger than Birdy, so that's not it. I don't agree that everyone over the age of 40 should singing jazz covers. Kylie, Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Lopez are still making fun music for people half their age. But I guess there's a difference between churning out catchy dance anthems and singing about gang-bangs and being fucked up on drugs.

Who is she trying to impress? We all know Vadge is in bed at five o'clock watching Wheel Of Fortune with all the other oldies. And then there were the heinous single choices. Only the most ratchet queen is going to download a song that spells Madonna's name out in the lyrics. We were all trying to keep this purchase on the downlow! And "Girl Gone Wild"? Bitch, please. That boat sailed in the '80s and is currently rotting next to the Titanic. If nothing else, MDNA did provide fodder for the magical YouTube clip below and proved once and for all that Martin Solveig should never be allowed back in a studio. Ever again.

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 4

Sorry if this week's Pop Panel is an Adele-sized mess. I've been crazy busy, so it was pulled together faster than Rihanna's last album. And while it's a bare-bones edition, the judges are in fine form and I threw in a few extra songs. As for the winner, I'm pleased. It's a great song but I'm sure you'll agree - after hearing and seeing the runner-up's genre-defining smash - that someone was robbed. Typical! Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following regulars:

Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Stephen (US) writer of The Middle Eight

We are also joined by the following guest judge:

David Lim (Aus) writer of the amazing Feed Limmy, radio host and aspiring electro-pop diva!

As usual the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Valerio Pino – GogoStar (Above)

This dude fucked Ricky Martin and hosts a modelling show in Spain.  

David: "Welcome to my body, I'm a GogoStar!" Bitch, I was robbed. This should've been my single. Get me my pocketbook, I'm outta here. 1/5 
Jacques: Finally, some class on the Pop Panel. This should be an easy 5/5, but the diamond underwear in the video didn't accentuate Valerio's pino enough. What's he trying to hide? Is he not livin' la vida loca downstairs where it counts? Poor Ricky Martin wouldn't have felt anything when that little Frankfurt entered his cavernous asshole. 4/5
Mike: Trash is my oxygen but this stinking piece of excrement is quite possibly the worst song of all time. 0/5 
Robbie: Talent. 0/5 
Stephen: I can't. Anything else I say will just get me drummed off the interwebs. 0/5 
Total: 5/25  

Willow Smith - Do It Like Me (Rockstar) (Video)

Pre-teen pop tart unveils the 17th single from her most likely never-to-be-released album.  

David: You know this shit is old news when you're watching a Willow Smith video and thinking, God she was so young then! Why isn't there already a mixtape available with every Happy Meal purchase? Her team is taking this project way too seriously. Let's be real. This caca ain't 4. 2/5 
Jacques: As if it isn't enough that the world is forced to sit through Will Smith's terrible movies, now we have to listen to his spoiled brat of a daughter trying to sing. I'd rather insert a placenta into my asshole than listen to another Willow Smith song again. Somebody needs to take Will, his kids, and his lesbonic beard of a wife, stick them in a plane, and then crash it into the World Trade Center. 0/5 
Mike: This song would have been perfect for Talk That Talk - ie. instantly forgettable and utterly generic. I guess it's time for Willow to fuck off now. 2/5 
Robbie: She hasn't retired yet? I would have assumed her massively successful but exhausting career would have taken its inevitable toll by now. This isn't awful. But it would probably get more attention, at least, if it was called "Do Me Like A (Rock Star)". Too edgy, perhaps? 2.5/5 
Stephen: She did this on her spring break? Why is a ten year old imitating Nona Hendrix? (that dates me, I know). I wonder if lil Willow's next single will be the "Love Theme From Men In Black"? Her daddy should feel bad, making her the youngest one hit wonder ever. 0/5 
Total: 6.5/25

Amel Bent – Délit (Video)

French R&B diva unveils latest single.  

David: Fuck me with a warm baguette. I thought that was Mel B stepping out in the video! I really enjoy mama's raspy vocal tones but am not wet for the "Broken-Hearted Girl" slash "Yesterday" productions. It's a little two years too late. 2/5 
Jacques: Somebody tried to get me to post this crackhead French flop on my blog a while back, and I was like HAIL NO. Songs like this prove why the only relevant French diva in the game right now is the iconic Ysa Ferrer! 1/5 
Mike: Don't pay any attention to these bitchy bottoms. It's clear that their Amel hatred stems from the fact that they're all racist! As for "Délit", it's lovely. She has a great voice and I'm still a fan of the Rico Love circa 2008 R&B synth-ballad. Now, where is her sure-to-be-stunning album? 4/5 
Robbie: I wanted to like this, but it's pretty much pussy. Maybe if she straddled one of the flaming piano legs it would resonate more with the masses? Fuck, I need a drink. 1/5 
Stephen: I kept waiting for the bit where she gets smashed by the lighting rig. Alas she didn't and this was a waste of the precious Saturday night time I usually spend cutting my toenails. 0/5 
Total: 8/25  

Jay Brannan – Beautifully (Video)

Since his frequently nude appearance in Shortbus, Jay has been focusing on music.  

David: Jay Brannan is probably the only gay musician I have "classy" and "romantic" sex dreams about. I don't even go there with Darren Hayes, y'all. Jay's proven himself to be a bankable, "intimate" acoustic performer over the years. All he needs now is a song placement on a TV show. 2/5 
Jacques: Anybody who starred in that pretentious piece of shit Shortbus gets a zero from me. 0/5 
Mike: I agree with Limmy. Jay is just a song on Grey's Anatomy away from a much-deserved commercial breakthrough. Despite the occasional dodgy lyric, "Beautifully" is very sweet in a Jason Mraz kind of way. Nice video too. 3.5/5 
Robbie: Sorry, Valerio - this is how I like my gay singers: fragile and tortured. Fuck happy and sexy. 3.5/5
Stephen: He's grammatically challenged, but pretty. Still, who releases a single with the line, "Every time she comes she cries" and expects it to get any play? Actually, though, there is an instrumental part on this track (at 2:35) that's quite lovely. 3/5 
Total: 12/25  

Rihanna – Where Have You Been (Video)

Rih-cycle's latest flop.  

David: The only Talk That Talk song I've kept on repeat since the beginning. The beats are slamming, so don't none of you power bottoms lie to me and say you haven't been strutting to this too. 4/5 
Jacques: I like this song, but every time I hear it I just think of it as the less flawless "We Found Love". 3/5
Mike: I feel sorry for the Navy. I can't imagine stanning for someone as creatively (and morally) bankrupt as the Rihammerhead shark. Take this generic piece of shit. In two years it will be sound more dated than your average Captain & Tenille track. But that's what Riri's about - disposable music for the iTunes generation. Meanwhile Beyoncé is single-handedly revolutionising R&B with timeless classics. She wins. Bye! 0/5 
Robbie: Other than "We Found Love", this is the best song on Talk That Talk. And that's not saying much. 2/5 
Stephen: Mike Wass - this track is slaying all yer faves. Epic. And the video is just what we needed: a lot of dance sequences,outfits and wiggery, When Riri keeps it simple, it's a win. Bouncey is cryin' in the corner. 4/5
Total: 13/25
 

TaeTiSeo – Twinkle (Video)

Girl's Generation sub-unit unleashes first single.  

David: I love the soulful and vampy swag in TTS' vocals here. The production on "Twinkle" is a proper event! I'm slapping this on a playlist right next to Wonder Girls' "Me, in". 5/5
Jacques: Not only is Girls' Generation the #1 girl group in the world, but even their sub-unit shits on your lousy, talentless faves. "Twinkle" is like all that retro shit that Christina Aguilera used to do, but filtered through Max Martin's Bubblegum machine. I love that some random Girls' Generation sub-unit still sells more records than Britain's biggest girl group, The SaTURDays. Who mad? 5/5 
Mike: I'm not here for sloppy seconds from Girl's Generation and "Twinkle" is a total mess. Wonder Girls have already gone down the retro-pop/soul route with much better results. I suggest these flops jump on YouTube and watch 4Minute's infinitely superior "Volume Up" to see how real K-pop divas do it. Somewhere in Seoul Queen HyunA is pissing herself laughing at this crap right now. 1/5 
Robbie: No. I'm tired of this shit. 0/5 
Stephen: A bunch of tweens pretending to be Janet Jackson. The fluffy white dog is the best bit and I bet he's not on the MP3. 2/5 
Total: 13/25

Little Boots – Every Night I Say A Prayer (Video)

British electro-flop tries her luck again  

David: Victoria's vision of nostalgic dance/pop is something I'm keen to explore a bit further. "Say A Prayer" isn't what you'd expect for a 2012 single, what, with all that '90s house keyboard in your face. But that's probably why I enjoy it. Definite grower. 3/5 
Jacques: I didn't give a flying fuck about Little Boots when she came out with her first album, but the songs she's released since then have all snatched my wig. 3.5/5 
Mike: This video makes me cringe more than Valerio's visual abortion. Ms Boots is rougher than a laborer's hands and the "choreography" is clearly inspired by the time Jacques took too much G and did an interpretive dance outside Palms. I guess it's not all bad. I rather like the kooky production. Should we just wait for a dub? 2/5 
Robbie: I kind of like the faux '90s house piano bit. But the song never really happens like it should, does it? And as for the ironic vogueing, someone needs to tell these dancers that Paris is burning just before throwing them into the flames. 3.5/5 
Stephen: The track is a decent slow burn album cut, but the video is literally embarrassing. She has such an awkward presence (and doesn't seem to know that as she poses). And who is not distracted by that twinky blond queen vogueing his hole all over the screen? Bless. 2/5 
Total: 14/25  

Alexandra Burke – Let It Go (Video)

X Factor flop really wants to be a dance diva.  

David: Can we give this a chance, y'guys? I was ready to hand Alexandra her coat and show her the door after "Elephant" but "Let It Go" actually changed my mind. I think if the category was "pedestrian dance/pop", she would get nines and tens across the floor for this. #Backhandedcompliment. 3/5 
Jacques: Nobody finds Alex Burke a more useless waste of space than I do, and her music is almost as devoid of originality and creativity as that plastic whore Nicki Minaj, but God dammit, I really like this song! I know it's generic filth but it just makes me wanna WERQ 'N' TWERQ till the early hours. If only Dannii Minogue had recorded it instead... 3.5/5 
Mike: Something about this bitch makes me vomit in my mouth. She has a great voice and the occasional good song but she's the musical equivalent of a Sao biscuit. Having got that off my chest, "Let It Go" is one of Alexandra's better tunes. Try the Bimbo Jones remix for the total trash experience. 2.5/5 
Robbie: I almost like that this sounds like a coffee pot percolating up her vajazzle basket. But then I realize, oh, right — it's Alexandra Burke. 2.5/5 
Stephen: The production is so dance track du jour that it's hard to write about. But I speak one truth: It's better than that new trash by The Tweedy. 3/5 
Total: 14.5/25  

Jeronimo – One Kiss (Video)

Dutch twink moves in on the One Direction market.  

David: I love his whole "village twink" vibe with them tees he probably bought at a night market that time he sneaked out with his mama's purse. I'm fucking hooked on my first listen. This is a winner in my books. Jeronimo, boo - take the crown and run for the hills. 5/5 
Jacques: Fuck my life this is atrocious. I thought that it couldn't get any worse than Melody Thornton, and it still can't, but this comes close. 0/5 
Mike: Um, Jacques and Stephen are clearly pressed by this future legend's mind-boggling dance moves and spine-tingling vocal ability. How dare they take their insecurities out on the pride of Europe? "One Kiss" is what The Wanted would sound like if they developed some charisma and - erm - came from Holland.Yes, it's that amazing. And available on iTunes now. 5/5Robbie: FINALLY, a soul singer to put Usher and all those other lame R&B flops on ice. Jeronimo's stunning dance moves are enough to make The Gloved Corpse rise from the grave, combust into a cloud of pink shimmer and die all over again. 5/5 
Stephen: What is it with all the children today? No no no. 0/5 
Total: 15/25
 

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Foster The People – Houdini (below)

Latest singles from Foster The People's mega-successful Torches album.  

David: I wasn't expecting to enjoy Foster The People as much as I have. "Houdini" was an instant fave from the album and I think it works as a sensible companion to "Warrior", that track Mark did with A-Trak and Kimbra. 3/5 
Jacques: I was going to give this a nasty score because I had a computer malfunction that forced me to sit through TWO fucking Youtube ads, but "Houdini" is too funky and fun to shade. I'm dancing on my own to this, Robyn style. 3.5/5 
Mike: Wonderfully catchy synth-rock jam from a brilliant album made even better by one of the year's best videos. Their beyond-the-grave dancing makes my life 4.5/5 
Robbie: Great jam from one of my favorite albums of last year. I love this video, and I heard somewhere that it was actually shot early last year, before "Pumped Up Kicks" became a hit. I'd totally let Cubbie have some D'luvvin'. 5/5 
Stephen: Hmmmm. I bet these boys get a lot of vajayjay. But we're talking about the song? It's an earworm and the video is sick fun. I watched the bit over and over where they get smashed by the lighting rig. I assume this is based on the true story of Britney Spears? 4/5
Total: 20/25
 

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