The 15 Worst Videos Of 2012

Let the fun continue! Much like my worst albums countdown, choosing the shittest music videos of the year was like shooting fish in a barrel. I don't know what happened to the art of the music in 2012. Lana Del Rey was the only bitch that actually gave a fuck. The rest of game just opted for cheap and cheerful trash. Although, as these offenders prove, even that can be hard to pull off. I tried not to be swayed by low budgets and bad production values for independent acts and newcomers. However, the big names did not get off so easy.

So here goes. These are the year's 15 most pointless MVs:

15. I Heart You - Toni Braxton (Video)

I stan for this broke bitch - and actually rather like this song - but her "I Heart You" video is unforgivable. Toni looks like a mental patient as she poses in a bunch of unflattering outfits while dancers half her age cavort in front of some kind of budget green screen. It would have been less embarrassing if she sat on the toilet and hand-danced like Kylie.

14. Crazy - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Sometimes I think it's impossible to make a decent music video in Australia. Ricki-Lee's label actually spent money on "Crazy" and ended up with a virtuoso display of bad photography, worse styling and embarrassing choreography. It didn't help that the star of the show was almost unrecognizable with unflattering blond hair and a selection of outfits picked up from the Tool Shed.  

13. Rocks Off - Daniel Bendingfield (Video)

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for pop stars flashing their dicks in music videos - Frank Ocean, you're up next! - but dressing up an obvious cry for attention as some kind of edgy art piece is beyond insincere. Who could have guessed that Daniel would turn out to be the thirstiest diva in the game?  

12. Echo - Foxes (Video)

Foxes is one of the most promising female artists on the planet. I love every song she has released - including this one - but just can't get past the idiotic video. She looks absolutely demented sitting there with an eye mask over her forehead and the whole love-affair-with-a-crash-test-dummy storyline made me want to pull my eyes from their socket. An epic fail on every level.  

11. Waiting On You - Michelle Williams and Ultra Nate (Video)

I wasn't expecting "Telephone" but this has to be a pisstake, no?  

10. Do It Like That - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Ricki-Lee struck out again with this shocker. A cheap but not cheerful "Crazy In Love" rip-off that looks like it was filmed for $10 on someone's iPhone. That budget also covered the Supre fashion and five minute dance lesson that someone gave the former Young Diva before filming.  

9. Give Me All Your Luvin' - Madonna (Video)

Madonna did it for the kids on "Give Me All Your Luvin'" and made herself look twice as old in the process. For every good idea - the pram is funny - there's a ridiculous scene like the shenanigans in the vodka bar. And what's with Nicki and MIA? The latter looks absolutely miserable - as if she could sense her credibility melting away in front of her very eyes.

8. Call My Name - Cheryl Cole (Video)

I'm not even going to lie. "Call My Name" is the best song Cheryl has ever released and I grew to love it despite her terrible vocal. Which makes this video all the more annoying. Why would you give a club song the urban video treatment? More importantly, what is with this choreography? Chezza looks like she's been struck with epilepsy. Embarrassing.

7. Beauty And A Beat - Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj (Video)

So 43-year-old Nicki Minaj hangs out at a children's waterpark "rapping" about a teenager's "wiener" and nobody bats at eyelid? Shame on you all. I'm calling the police.

6. Wildest Dreams - Brandy (Video)

Damn, Brandy. I know times are tough but this is the cheapest video I have ever seen from a mainstream pop star. It looks like rehearsal footage pieced together by an intern using Windows moviemaker. Seriously, why even bother? This was never going to be played on television. What a waste of a good song!  

5. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)

I'm really not here to watch this cunt model evening gowns.  

4. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)

Madonna looks really good in this video. Shame she spends it dancing with a bunch of Ukrainian gays in high heels. I don't understand why Vadge keeps churning out these low budget shockers. She has enough cash to make an amazing video - why not spend it? And please stop pandering to the gays. I know we're the only people who buy her music but it's starting to get uncomfortable. Like an overenthusiastic car salesman.

3. Girl On Fire - Alicia Keys (Video)

It's not every day that someone releases a video so bad that it actually ruins a great song for you. Alicia's "Girl On Fire" is an epic track but apparently it's about fancy wallpaper and doing household chores if this shocker is any indication. So bad it's absolutely mystifying.  

2. Scream & Shout - Britney and will.i.am (Video)

There's really no excuse for how jaw-droppingly bad this video is. Everything about it is second rate. From the special effects to that horrible wig on Britney's head. It's like they were in such a rush to get it out that they filmed it in afternoon and edited it in the taxi on the way back from the studio. Watching this will give you retinal damage.  

1. Pound The Alarm - Nicki Minaj (below)

If you want to watch Nicki shake her fake tits for four minutes, then this is the video for you. Enjoy!

Read More

The 15 Worst Albums Of 2012

Everything about 2012 sucked - including pop music. I can't remember another year when I struggled to find a single album to enjoy from beginning to end. There were quite a few good ones but only a handful of truly great records. On the flip side, there was no shortage of stinkers. I feel like the music industry is in a rut. The electro-dance trend is finally running out of steam and other genres (apart from country) simply don't sell at the moment. So what's a bitch to do? Record a lazy, half-arsed album that just treads water turned out to be the popular choice.

As such, putting this list together too easy. I could have made a top 50 but couldn't be fucked revisiting that many shockers. Instead I chose to concentrate on the main offenders. Surprisingly, a number of former faves are included. It pains me to admit that many of these divas were once near and dear to me. Of course there are also a bunch of regulars that continue to commit crimes against music. Speaking of which, I should give Leona Lewis a special shout out. Glassheart is her first album not to feature on my annual 'worst of' countdown. It's not gonna make my best of countdown either but congratultions are still in order!

So here goes. These are the 15 worst albums of 2012:

15. Fear & Freedom - Ricki-Lee

Oh look, it's my old friend Ricki-Lee! I don't know where to start with this saga. After years of blind fandom - search the site - I wrote a critical review of her "Do It Like That" video and triggered World War III. It was all a bit embarrassing but I still had high hopes for Fear & Freedom. After all, "Raining Diamonds" was a triumph and Ricki has some of the best pipes in the country. Unfortunately, her third offering is a collection of limp dance anthems that Melissa Tkautz would turn down for being too dated. Frustratingly, there are a couple of gems. I love the current single "Burn It Down" and think "Never Let Go" is a hit. The rest is as generic as Homebrand toilet paper.

14. The Truth About Love - Pink

This album was great when it was originally released as I'm Not Dead. It was slightly less enjoyable when rehashed as Funhouse and almost unlistenable the third time around with the exception of "Try". Which is a cover anyway. When are people going to wake up to this fraud?

13. Timomatic - Timomatic

How ridiculous is that cover art? Tim looks like a gay pimp that was just assaulted by the world's worst Photoshop newcomer. Sadly, the music isn't much better. The first two singles were magnificent - particularly the epic "If Looks Could Kill" - but the rest is generic urban-dance trash that Chris Brown wouldn't piss on. I think Tim has talent but, on the evidence of this, very little charisma and no versatility. Maybe a career as a dancer is the way forward?

12. Electra Heart - Marina & The Diamonds

Now this stings. I've been supporting Marina since the beginning. In fact, I used to chat with her on Myspace before she was even signed. And then it all came together. The pre-debut vinyl EPs moved me to tears and The Family Jewels hit all the right notes. But it didn't sell and that obviously rubbed the openly ambitious Marina the wrong way. So she worked with a bunch of big producers, dumbed down her sound and limited her lyrical scope to standard radio fare. Electra Heart produced one hit single but ultimately sank faster than the Bionic. I hope it's a lesson learned.

11. Tresspassing - Adam Lambert

I really want to like Adam Lambert. He has all the makings of a great pop star - apart from good songs. What annoys me the most about Tresspassing is that he bragged about making the album he always wanted to make. So he spent his whole life dreaming of a poorly-executed Pink tribute album? Where is the guts? More disturbing, where is the glam? This is such a shitty, watered-down affair with no style and nothing even resembling a hit. I'd take his last, blatantly commercial album over this epic fail any day of the week.

10. Heartbreak On Hold - Alexandra Burke

This poor bitch. Alexandra realised that walking in Leona's middle-of-the-road footsteps would lead to ruin, so she tried to shake things up and reemerge as an edgy club diva. It was a pretty good plan until she had the misfortune of hooking up with the worst producers in the history of popular music. Dated doesn't begin to describe these tired-as-fuck beats. I blame the label. Releasing something this poorly crafted is just setting someone up to fail. Oh well, there's always Celebrity Big Brother. Right?

9. Halycon - Ellie Goulding

Chalk this up as another bitter disappointment. I loved her debut despite those ricepaper thin vocals and limited lyrical scope. Ellie was just starting to get some serious traction with US top 10 hit "Lights" and then decides to turn her back on the perky synthpop sound that made her famous in favour of meandering indie-pop fare and semi-acoustic ballads. Why? With the exception of "Anything Could Happen", Halcyon is bereft of hits - and even decent filler for that matter. This is the perfect example of someone pushing boundaries in all the wrong directions.

8. A Million Lights - Cheryl

How do you solve a problem like Cheryl? My suggestion is a bullet.

7. Unapologetic - Rihanna

Read my review. I hear it's really popular with The Navy! You know, this is such a sad little record. Unapologetic is just two good songs slapped together with a bunch of filler to get something on shelves in time for Christmas. Def Jam clearly has no long term plan for Rih or they wouldn't be churning through whatever goodwill she has left after Talk That Talk with another basic-as-fuck rush job.

6. Anxiety - Ladyhawke

I've heard of the sophomore slump but Ladyhawke committed sophomore suicide with this jaw-droppingly dreadful effort. I defy you to find one decent chorus on this stinking piece of shit! It makes me wonder who selected the songs for her debut because this is proof that Pip had no involvement in that flawless pop gem whatsoever. Let's just play "My Delirium" and pretend this never happened. Please.

5. Ten - Girls Aloud

Excuse my while I laugh my fucking arse off. These five talentless cunts really thought they were something special despite never denting a chart outside the UK. To the extent that they all embarked on solo careers and flopped one after the other. Honestly, it was like watching lemmings walk off a cliff!

So with no career prospects left, the already washed-up divas reunite for a Greatest Hits album that barely scraped into the UK top 10 and fell down the charts like a brick being thrown from a second floor window. This tiresome collection of minor UK hits is painfully generic and boring. When are they going to throw in the towel and ask Nadine for a job at Tesco?

4. Roman Reloaded - Nicki Minaj

You know, I was here for Nicki when she broke. Pink Friday was a solid rap album with a couple of pop detours to keep radio interested. The genre was hers to own if she wanted. Instead, she reinvented herself as the female Pitbull on Roman Reloaded - singing generic club-bangers for undiscerning gay men. What the fuck? And yet, the Barbz lapped it up and radio kept playing her shit. I hope Onika enjoys her moment because I've noticed that the tide starting to turn. It's only a matter of time before she's trading mixtapes with Lil' Mama.

3. Infatuation - Kate Alexa

Sorry but I'm going to say it. How ugly do you have to be for someone to suggest your album cover would look better if you brushed your hair over your face? Good lord. The thing that annoys me the most about this abomination is that I was always in Kate's corner when she was being trashed by the media for being Michael Gudinsky's daughter. If my dad ran a record label, I'd expect some special treatment too!

And her first album was extremely cute. I liked all the singles and even stanned for "Teardrops" - her bizarre collab with Baby Bash. But this mess... is unforgivable. Who wrote and produced clangers like "Fucked Up Me", "I Deny" and "I Don't Think So"? I want to know so I can demand a written apology! And don't even start me on "X Rated". Of all the divas I want to hear singing about porn, Kate comes somewhere between Susan Boyle and Judith Durham.

2. Child Of The Universe - Delta Goodrem

Look at this smug bitch sitting at her stupid piano thinking she's a supermodel. Anyone would think she had a career outside of Australia! "Child Of The Universe" is another spectacularly empty and soulless affair that desperately tries to convey Delta's talent but really just showcases her vocal and lyrical shortcomings. And get off that fucking piano. You're not Yanni! Without her stint on The Voice, this would have disappeared in a matter of weeks. Oh it did anyway? GIRL, BYE.

1. MDNA - Madonna

Now let me pull up a comfortable chart because this might take a while. MDNA, or MDOA as I like to call it, is the absolute nadir of Madonna's painfully long career. She's had some lows - ie. every album she's released since Ray Of Light, especially the original Bionic otherwise known as Hard Candy - but I admire her business smarts. When you've been in the game since 1923, you pick up some tricks and the senior citizen is good at following a flop with a commercial album. Like when she bounced back from American Life with Confessions.

And that was obviously the plan this time around. To come back with the most generic, radio-friendly offering she could manage complete with rent-a-rapper Nicki Minaj and that other bitch that noone cares about. So how did it all go so wrong? Some people said she was too old for dance music. There are parts of Madonna that are younger than Birdy, so that's not it. I don't agree that everyone over the age of 40 should singing jazz covers. Kylie, Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Lopez are still making fun music for people half their age. But I guess there's a difference between churning out catchy dance anthems and singing about gang-bangs and being fucked up on drugs.

Who is she trying to impress? We all know Vadge is in bed at five o'clock watching Wheel Of Fortune with all the other oldies. And then there were the heinous single choices. Only the most ratchet queen is going to download a song that spells Madonna's name out in the lyrics. We were all trying to keep this purchase on the downlow! And "Girl Gone Wild"? Bitch, please. That boat sailed in the '80s and is currently rotting next to the Titanic. If nothing else, MDNA did provide fodder for the magical YouTube clip below and proved once and for all that Martin Solveig should never be allowed back in a studio. Ever again.

Read More

Ricki-Lee's New Video Is Not Crap

My feud with Ricki-Lee is officially on hold. I really like "Burn It Down" and think the video is her best effort since "Don't Miss You" - you know the one where she gets drunk on a boat? Fuck, I love that song. More importantly, I respect the fact that she's still promoting Fear & Freedom despite its chart run. Hopefully, this song can turn it around. "Never Let Go" is equally amazing - so there's some life left in the album. I also approve of her releasing a signed physical single of "Burn It Down". More pop acts should do this. I'm hoping for a personal dedication!

Anyway, here's why Ricki-Lee's "Burn It Down" video is not awful:

1. She has ditched the scary blond zombie look from "Crazy"
2. There's no awkward choreography
3. The storyline is authentic - I totally believe Ricki-Lee would throw food in your face and steal your car
4. Kudos to her for picking up a hot hitchhiker and fucking him on the hood of her car
5. I totally identify with the scene where she wakes up half-naked in a strange place after a big night out

See you on New Year's Eve, sweetheart!

7.5/10

Read More

A Visual Representation Of Ricki-Lee's 'Fear & Freedom' Chart Run

Shame. I really like "Never Let Go" and "Raining Diamonds".

Read More

Ricki-Lee Robs Britney, Sinks To New Low

Ricki-Lee's descent into irrelevance continues apace with the latest single from Fear & Freedom. The weight-loss spokeswoman has always been a basic bitch but - until recently - her music has been flawless. I still love the sticky-fingered diva's first two albums and ranked "Raining Diamonds" as one of the best singles of 2011. Even "Do It Like That" (AKA the world's cheapest Beyoncé rip off) was palatable in its remixed form but there's no excusing "Crazy" (AKA the world's cheapest Britney rip offf). Seriously, this is just "Till The World Ends" - only with cheaper production, a far less catchy vocal hook and worse choreography.

I don't get it. Ricki-Lee has many failings but she can sing like a demon and has attitude to burn. Why is she copying international heavyweights and hiding her killer pipes under layers of autotune? I'd take the catchy pop/rock songs from her (scrapped) third album over this shit any day. The video doesn't help. Ricki-Lee looked better when she had the body of a front-row forward. Her face is too gaunt and the blond hair makes her look ancient. I'm not impressed with the mental hospital set-up either. It's been done a million times before  - most recently on Lady Gaga's "Marry The Night" - and straight-jacket dance routines have been regularly used by divas since Kylie's Intimate & Live performace of "Limbo".

Everything about "Crazy" is tired, desperate and deritive. It's time for Ricki-Lee to take several aisles of seats.

2/10

Read More

Ricki-Lee Copies Beyoncé, Remains Basic

After years of loyal stanning, Ricki-Lee really plummeted in my estimation after bashing Breezy on Facebook in a calculated move to improve her social media presence. She might be as basic as a cheeseburger without the cheese but I've never been able to fault her music - until now. "Do It Like That" sounds like a reject from Mariah's Rainbow album. It's so dated and embarrassing. The hook is catchy in a late '90s kind of way but the whole thing falls flatter than Taylor Swift's chest. How you can go from a stone cold smash like "Raining Diamonds" to this garbage? Those diet pills are clearly messing with her head. Unfortunately, the visual is just as bad. The first half blatantly rips off Beyoncé's iconic "Crazy In Love", while the second half swagga jacks King B's exercise video "Move Your Body" - only with really bad dancing and outfits. Just because you're skinny doesn't mean you can walk around without pants! So basic.

Read More

DNA's 12 Best Tracks

A couple of weeks ago, David Musumeci and Anthony Egizii - better known under their professional name of DNA - signed an exclusive production deal with Sony Australia. This is incredibly rare for the local music scene and cemented the boys' status as our answer to Max Martin and Dr. Luke! I've been a fan of their work for a long time and got to know them while they were working with Chris Sorbello. Since then, they have gone on to bigger and better things - racking up 4 top ten hits in 2011 with massive tunes by Marvin Priest, Timomatic, Guy Sebastian and Reece Mastin. And while those hits made them pioneers of the local urban-dance movement, Dave and Ant have successfully tried their hand at a lot of different genres. Here are a dozen of my favourite DNA anthems:

12. Set It Off - Timomatic (Video)

Reaching the runner-up spot on the ARIA chart and selling double platinum, "Set It Off" has been one of the biggest songs of the Australian Summer. And with good reason. This killer urban-dance explosion picks up where Taio Cruz and Jason Derulo left off without sounding like a soulless clone. DNA's production is dead on trend and crisper than a freshly ironed shirt. It probably should be higher on this list but I'm currenty suffering from radio overload.

11. Alone No More - Ricki-Lee (Audio)

Do you remember when Ricki-Lee went R&B on her Brand New Day album? No? Don't feel bad. I think I'm the only person who bought it. Moving along, one of the highlights of that largely-forgotten pop opus is a pretty little ballad called "Alone No More", which puts the focus squarely on the weight-loss queen's beautiful voice. Cute lyrics and a pared-back approach make this a DNA winner.

10. Own This Club - Marvin Priest (Below)

It has to be said that DNA do the urban-dance sound better than anyone in Australia. And pretty much anywhere else for that matter. The song that first showcased their skill in the genre was Marvin Priest's catchy-as-fuck "Own This Club", which came out of nowhere to become a huge top 10 hit last year. While it's not the most original song to hit radio, this is very solid pop. Make sure you hunt down the adopted Australian's mini-album "Beats & Blips". I think it was one of the most underrated releases of 2011.

9. Won't Let You Go - Shannon Noll (Audio)

Proving that there are more strings to DNA's bow than club-bangers, "Won't Let You Go" is lighters-in-the-air rock ballad that really should have been released as single. This gem boasts one of Shannon's best vocals and the tender yet manly lyrics strike an emotional chord. The track was a real highlight from Nollsie's "Turn It Up" album, which is probably why the boys were asked back to contribute to his latest record.

8. So Lonely - Chris Sorbello (Video)

While the Chris Sorbello experience didn't end well for anyone, there's no denying that "So Lonely" is a good pop song. It's also one of the most adventurous DNA productions - with its icy synths and cool electro-soundscape. I can't help but think a major artist like Kylie or even a boring Scandinavian flop like Annie would have made this a smash.

7. Don't Miss You - Amy Pearson (Video)

Amy Pearson's one and only hit is a veritable Australian pop classic! This was unavoidable at radio and announced DNA as a production team to watch. From the soaring chorus to the pop/rock-lite arrangement, "Don't Miss You" is very Kelly Clarkson. In fact, it wouldn't sound out of place on "Breakaway" - which is a huge compliment. Still love this one.

6. Good Night - Reece Mastin (Above)

Yes, it sounds a lot like P!nk's "Raise Your Glass" but I'm pretty sure that's the point. "Good Night" is slightly derivative but it's also undeniably catchy and single-handedly made the X Factor franchise credible by reaching number one and selling buckets. I love it!

5. Runnin' - Jessica Mauboy (Audio)

Dave and Anthony get hood on the stunning B-side to J. Malley's smash hit "Burn". I have no idea why this was left off the original Been Waiting tracklist - it made the deluxe edition - because this is one of hottest songs Jess has ever done. Hot beats and attitude-filled lyrics make this one hell of a jam. It's better than anything on Rihanna's Talk That Talk.

4. Come Home - Christine Anu (Audio)

Now this was a bizarre single that came out of nowhere and sunk without a trace. Which is a shame because DNA's nifty take on the urban-synth ballad is amazing. Think Jordin Sparks' "Battlefield" with a bit of Beyoncé's "Halo" thrown in for good measure. Yes, it's that good and should have been number one for months. Fingers crossed it appears on Godnu's forthcoming album.

3. Until You're Over Me - Zoë Badwi (Above)

This epic dance anthem was rumoured to be 4th - or 6th, depending on how you count - single from my beard's album but it never eventuated. Which is sad and annoying because "Until You're Over Me" is a scarily good floorfiller. With the benefit of hindsight, DNA's atmospheric production should have been released after "Freefallin'" instead of "Accidents Happen" but I'm still hopeful it might get a belated club release. Download it now or, better yet, buy a copy of Zoë!

2. Who We Are - Stan Walker (Audio)

It's time for some real talk. What is Sony doing with Stan's Let The Music Play? The first two singles were good but they are sitting on smoking hot jams like "Shine", "Music Won't Break Your Heart" and "Who We Are". This glorious DNA club-banger is everything Chris Brown's "Turn Up The Volume" wanted to be but couldn't quite pull off. Don't get me wrong. I really like Breezy's new song but "Who We Are" is so much better.

1. Oxygen - Brielle Davis (Below)

Every time I run into David and Anthony, which admittedly usually happens at the pub, I get the overwhelming urge to tell them how much I love the B-side to Brielle's 2006 smash "Serial Thriller". "Oxygen" - or the Australian "Toxic", as I like to call it - is something of a homage to Britney's last great song. I love this track and think it's about time Brielle came out of hiding. So she had a few drinks and crashed her car into someone's house. We've all been there! Check out her enduring legacy to the Australian music scene below.

Read More

Ricki-Lee Returns With Raining Diamonds

There has been a flurry of activity from Australian Idol alumni of late. Jessica and Stan are about to release a cute duet, Shannon is predicted to hit the top 10 with his awesome new album and Anthony Callea recently reached number 88 on iTunes with "Oh Oh Oh Oh". But Ricki-Lee has outdone them all with "Raining Diamonds". The 25-year-old diva was a staple of this site for years until everything went tits up with her scrapped "See No, Hear No, Speak No" album and she threw in the towel to become a weight-loss spokeswoman. That opus was actually rather amazing and should still be released for her fans at some stage. But I digress. Ricki-Lee's enormous talent was being wasted and I applaud EMI for dragging her newly pert butt into the studio and re-launching the career of one the nation's best pop stars.

And what a way to return! "Raining Diamonds" is an absolute monster. Written by Billy Mann and produced by David Schuler, this is the angelic songbird's finest moment since she slayed Agnes by radically improving "Love Is All Around". Imagine Kelly Clarkson singing a towering house anthem and you get some idea of what Ricki-Lee's latest sounds like. From the opening "woah woah woahs" to the glorious Casey Donovan-sized chorus, "Raining Diamonds" is an absolute triumph that perfectly showcases the stunner's powerhouse pipes. I loved the maligned "See No, Hear No, Speak No" era but it did sound slightly dated. Happily, Ricki-Lee has tapped into something much more current. Leona Lewis wanted "Collide" to sound like this. Dev would kill for a song like "Raining Diamonds" (if she could actually sing). Listen to one of 2011's best singles below. The song is already rocketing up iTunes, so get downloading.

Read More