Beyoncé Has A Top 10 Smash... In Fiji!

While your played-out faves are rushing around Tokyo and London trying to promote their flop careers, Beyoncé is effortlessly slaying the South Pacific. That sound you hear is King B adding to her wig collection. This is so random. I was switching between US and Australian iTunes and must have clicked a wrong button somewhere because I ended up in fucking Fiji. At first I just laughed because a boring song from The Hobbit is number one but then looked closer and realised that Fijians have amazing taste. Ke$ha and Icona Pop are top 5 and Bey's R&B smash is sitting pretty at number 7 (let's just ignore the presence of R. Kelly's decade old hit). Mad respect to this flawless nation! I'm so glad "Dance For You" is getting the attention it deserves... somewhere. A year later and it's still my favourite jam. Watch Bey work her wig below.

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Mariah Is More Triumphant Than Ever!

Just when you thought Mariah couldn't get any more triumphant, the legendary diva adds yet another number one to her tally - this time on the highly relevant US dance chart. You know that edgy countdown where credible divas like Kristine W and Taylor Dane still have hits? So much win! "Triumphant" becomes Mimi's 16th song to top the chart, which moves her into 5th place all-time behind Madonna, Janet, Beyoncé and Rihanna. I'm glad the song is finding love among clubbers. I still blast our Sheppard's uplifting anthem on a daily basis and think it's one of the most underrated songs of her entire career. Anyway, stay tuned for some extremely exciting Mariah news next week.  

Helpful hint: Don't waste all your cash on Pink tickets!

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Beyoncé Scores 7th Hit From 4

Beyoncé's to-do list for 2012 looks a little something like this:

1. Have baby 
2. Watch a couple of Jay-Z concerts 
3. Make Rita Ora happen 
4. Reach a billion people on World Humanitarian Day 
5. Release a random R&B smash 

Yes, bitches. King B debuts at #100 on the Billboard chart this week with "Dance For You" - the 7th single from 4 to achieve the feat. It's also #13 with a bullet on the R&B chart. Imagine what damage the Queen would inflict on the charts if she could be fucked with promotion! I'm glad Bey's smooth, mid-tempo jam is conquering urban radio. The-Dream got everything right on this one. The production is glorious and the lyrics manage to be sexy and romantic, which is a minor miracle in 2012.

Watch Beyoncé school your lame fave in the art of beauty and classy pussy-popping in the pretty film noir video below.

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Why I Approve Of Katy Perry's Shady Chart Tactics

It's easy to forget that Katy Perry was a B-List pop star before "Teenage Dream". Her major label debut spawned a couple of big hits but the album failed to move huge numbers and she was dismissed by many as the poor man's Pink. How much difference a year has made! The 27-year-old is now arguably the biggest pop star on the planet. Her run of five consecutive number one US hits blows Rihanna and Lady Gaga out of the water, establishing "Teenage Dream" as a modern classic that will rank alongside "The Fame" and "I Am... Sasha Fierce" as an iconic game-changer. The only question mark over that stunning achievement is the way Mrs Brand snared her last chart-topper. There's no denying the popularity of the album's first four singles but Katy used every shady trick in the book to push "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)" to the pole position. She made a blockbuster video, discounted the song on iTunes and released a completely unnecessary remix featuring Missy Elliot.

It was all very desperate but I was willing to turn a blind eye because 1) the song was brilliant and 2) it was already top 3 when Capitol started getting creative. The shady lady is back with the sixth flawless single from "Teenage Dream" and it easily landed in the top 10 with little help. But Team Perry is clearly not content with scoring 6 top 10 hits from the one album. They want to dance on Michael Jackson's grave by scoring another number one and the first step was discounting the Dr Luke/Max Martin-penned mid-tempo ballad on iTunes. With airplay still rising and a rumoured remix on the way, "The One That Got Away" could just make it to the top. And I'm fine with that. Until someone fixes up the rules relating to discounting (hello, Lady Gaga) and the validity of dodgy remixes (I'm looking at you, Rihanna and Britney), Katy is just playing the game. And more importantly, the song has to be genuinely popular in the first place to be in the position to take advantage of these dodgy tricks. Watch the lovely video below and then head over to iTunes to nab yourself a bargain.

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Judging Hits In The Digital Age - The Avril Lavigne Case Study

How do you judge a hit these days? It sounds like a stupid question. You just go to iTunes or check your country's latest official chart. Right? I'd argue it's not that easy. The extinction of physical singles has resulted in a downloading free-for-all. You can now grab a couple of album tracks from Coldplay's new cure for insomnia as well as your favourite Christmas carol and that song Reece covered on X Factor. No complaints here. I do exactly same thing but are any of those chart-eligible mp3s representative of week's hottest singles? I'd argue no. When you throw in the unavoidable bias for artists with young or militant gay fans (ie. the people who are actually willing to spend $2.19 on a stupid computer file), the whole thing becomes even more skewered. The situation is worse in America where radio play and views on social media platforms like YouTube enter the mix. Does anyone really understand how the Billboard Charts are calculated? For starters, who is Ace Hood and why are all the country songs stalled between 60 and 80 on the Hot 100? But I digress.

The inspiration for this post was actually the success - at least to my mind - of Avril Lavigne's "Wish You Were Here". I instantly adored the Max Martin/Shellback-produced ballad when I first listened to "Goodbye Lullaby" way back in February and have grown to love it more with each passing month. However, even I thought the Canadian diva was wasting her time when she decided to release it as a single in September. The album had been dead for months and the once all-conquering pop-rocker appeared to be one of those unfortunate artists who are cursed with an ageing fanbase that can't be bothered with, or simply don't understand, the wonderful of legal downloading. Janet, Madonna and Mariah all feel her pain!

But then something strange happened. "Wish You Were Here" crawled its way up the pop airplay chart despite being added to approximately half the number of channels as current radio titans like Rihanna and Katy Perry. That encouraged Avril to sing on a couple of late-night talkshows and the emotional anthem started climbing the US iTunes chart and recently debuted at 99 on the Hot 100. Those achievements combined with the understated video's 50 million+ views on YouTube (more than recent clips from Beyoncé, Britney and Lady Gaga) make the song a raging success in my book. If she benefited from a tenth of the blog coverage of those divas and was given a fair shot at radio, I'm sure she would be celebrating another top 10 hit. It will be interesting to see if Avril's latest can keep on going or has already done its dash. Either way, "Wish You Were Here" has connected with people in a way that I don't believe is accurately reflected by its lacklustre charts position. Check out the clip below and download it from iTunes if it pushes your buttons. Be festive and help a bitch out!

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Beyoncé Notches Up 3rd Platinum Single From '4'

Australia is quickly turning into one of Beyoncé's biggest markets. This week King B racks up her third consecutive platinum single with "Love On Top" passing 75,000 downloads sold. I actually think the song would have performed even better if it got an official digital release with the video edit and/or Mike Rizzo remix but it's hard to knock another top 20 hit. That raises the question of Bey's next Australian single. I asked Sony that very question when I interviewed Stan Walker on Friday and was told that it's still up in the air. However, they confirmed it wouldn't be "Countdown". They also let slip that "Dance For You" would be serviced to TV next week in the same way that "Countdown" and "1+1" were (ie. without being officially released as singles). Perhaps if it proves popular they might change their mind. After all, there are no other videos to choose from! And, in many ways, "Dance For You" picks up where "Love On Top" left off - with a killer old-school groove and seriously loved-up lyrics. Who cares if the dreamy anthem goes for 7 minutes? Radio will deal!

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Beyoncé Has Reason To Party

Beyoncé bagged her first urban airplay chart-topper of the "4" era yesterday when "Party" dethroned the charmingly titled "Niggas In Paris". That sound you hear is a heavily pregnant woman snatching your fave's wig. It's funny. When Bey announced dual 3rd singles in the States, I thought "Countdown" would be the runaway hit. That glorious anthem is still a standout for me but, like the equally awesome "Get Me Bodied", it just didn't work. Instead, urban fans have latched onto Kanye's breezy joint. The song has climbed to #54 on the Billboard Hot 100 based on airplay alone (it's not even top 200 on iTunes), so it will be interesting to see how much higher it can go. Perhaps it's a slow burn smash. In any case, Queen B is reconnecting with R&B fans and that's a good thing. With Rihanna making disposable dance music, Bey has the genre to herself. That is until Ms Kelly releases "Motivation 2012".

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