The 25 Worst Singles Of 2012

Another night, another massive outpouring of shade. This time I'm revisiting the worst singles of 2012. And yes, it was difficult to narrow them down to just 25. In a year marked by generic production, pointless samples and terrible remixes - there really was a lot to choose from. Many of the usual suspects are present and accounted for but a couple of my faves dropped the ball as well. I tried to limit each artist to one appearance but a couple of them were repeat offenders and pop up multiple times. I'm looking forward to working on my 'best of' countdowns over the next few days. Reviewing all this bad music is starting to take a toll!

So here are the 25 worst singles of 2012:

25. C'mon Let Me Ride - Skylar Grey feat. Eminem (Video)

Poor Skylar. All that talent and her major label debut single is a humiliating song about riding Eminem's dick.

24. Timebomb - Kylie (Video)

I love Kylie but this is one of the worst singles of her glittering 25 year career. "Timebomb" is dated, boring and embarrassing. Let's just pretend it never happened.

23. Trouble - Leona Lewis (Video)

A shockingly obvious copy of Emeli Sandé's "Daddy" - only without the darkness, grit and catchy chorus.

22. Inndia - Inna (Video)

This dumb bitch must have been smoking the good stuff when she decided to release a song about how much her name sounds like India.

21. Wings - Little Mix (Video)

En Vogue called and want their act back.

20. Don't Stop The Party - Pitbull (Video)

You know, I can deal with Pitbull when he randomly shouts out a couple of city names and then says "dale!" on someone else's track but a whole song of his bullshit is harder to take than a 12" cock.

19. Give Me Your Luvin' - Madonna, Nicki Minaj and M.I.A (Video)

Did Madonna really think she'd get all the kids singing "L-U-V Madonna" just because she stuck a couple of desperate feature-creatures on her record? The level of delusion is truly galling.

18. She Wolf - David Guetta and Sia (Video)

Sia continues to sell her soul to satan with yet another low rent feature. As much as I hate David Guetta, "Titanium" was a triumph. This is just a fat South Australian wailing non-sensical gibberish about a she-wolf over tired beats that made me feel abused like a coffee machine in an office. Shakira fans will get that last reference!

17. That's What We Do - Ashanti (Video)

Why is this redundant bitch still trying?

16. 16 & Unstoppable - Christina Parie (Video)

I interviewed Christina and she was lovely. Which is why someone needs to tell her to enrol in TAFE next year and get a real job because the music thing ain't gonna happen.

15. Whistle - Flo Rida (Video)

Oral sex tips from the man who brought us "In The Ayer". Thanks. 

14. You Won't Let Me - Karise Eden (Video)

That frumpy chick from The Voice desperately wants to be Adele. Shame then that she's another Casey Donovan.

13. Best Of You - Anastacia (Video)

A washed-up cunt singing bad karaoke.

12. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)

This is too easy. Madonna still remembers when dinosaurs walked the earth. In which alternate universe is she considered a girl? Let it go, bitch. Lady Gaga already stole your gays and nobody else gives a shit.

11. Cockiness (I Love It) - Rihanna (Video)

Think Katy Perry's "Peacock" without the tongue-in-cheek humour or thinly veiled penis metaphors set to migraine-inducing generic beats. It sounds like the worst porn soundtrack ever.

10. I Luv Dem Strippers - 2 Chainz and Nicki Minaj (Video)

The title says it all.

9. Naked - Dev feat. Enrique Iglesias (Video)

I dare you to talk me through the appeal of Dev with a straight. The woman literally has nothing going for her. She can't sing, has no charisma and looks like she was beaten with the ugly stick more severely than Ed Sheeran. Even the presence of Enrique can't save this mess.

8. Gogostar - Valerio Pino (Video)

Sucking Ricky Martin's cock does not entitle you to embark on a pop career.

7. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)

Delta was let out of the stable long enough to record the worst Australian dance song of 2012. It was a good idea in theory - I like the Tommy Trash remix of "Believe Again" - but this is so self-conscious it hurts. Delta really thinks she's recording "Someone Like You" when she's really just picking up where Ricki-Lee left off.

6. Laserlight - Jessie J and David Guetta (Video)

Can this cunt just go away? Please?

5. Ice - Kelly Rowland and Lil Wayne (Video)

Nobody was here for Kelly's desperate "Motivation" sequel, which sounded like a Penthouse letter set to really, really bad music. The image of Kelly shoving ice cubes into her vagina has haunted my dreams ever since.

4. Scream & Shout - Britney and will.i.am (Video)

This sums up everything that is wrong with music in 2012. An abomination.

3. Starships - Nicki Minaj (Video)

How does Nicki still have a career after this song? It's worse than Pitbull's last 37 collaborations put together. I can't even enjoy the inherent camp appeal because Nicki is such a egotistical bitch that she probably thinks this is the new gold standard for pop, dance and R&B. Unforgivable.

2. Birthday Cake - Rihanna and Chris Brown (Video)

Because everyone wanted to hear Rihanna and Breezy sing about how much they enjoy fucking each other. And then there's the sheer THIRST. Why bother with this when they're capable of singing something respectable like "Nobody's Business"? Attention is the only reason I can think of.

1. On Top - Johnny Ruffo (below)

I have a high tolerance for crap. I really do. But everything about Johnny's debut just makes me cringe. The lyrics, his voice, the video - all painfully embarrassing. His follow-up was a lot better but the sheer shittiness of this record torpedoed his career before it even began. Thank god he scored a role on Home & Away because the music thing really didn't work out.

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The 15 Worst Videos Of 2012

Let the fun continue! Much like my worst albums countdown, choosing the shittest music videos of the year was like shooting fish in a barrel. I don't know what happened to the art of the music in 2012. Lana Del Rey was the only bitch that actually gave a fuck. The rest of game just opted for cheap and cheerful trash. Although, as these offenders prove, even that can be hard to pull off. I tried not to be swayed by low budgets and bad production values for independent acts and newcomers. However, the big names did not get off so easy.

So here goes. These are the year's 15 most pointless MVs:

15. I Heart You - Toni Braxton (Video)

I stan for this broke bitch - and actually rather like this song - but her "I Heart You" video is unforgivable. Toni looks like a mental patient as she poses in a bunch of unflattering outfits while dancers half her age cavort in front of some kind of budget green screen. It would have been less embarrassing if she sat on the toilet and hand-danced like Kylie.

14. Crazy - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Sometimes I think it's impossible to make a decent music video in Australia. Ricki-Lee's label actually spent money on "Crazy" and ended up with a virtuoso display of bad photography, worse styling and embarrassing choreography. It didn't help that the star of the show was almost unrecognizable with unflattering blond hair and a selection of outfits picked up from the Tool Shed.  

13. Rocks Off - Daniel Bendingfield (Video)

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for pop stars flashing their dicks in music videos - Frank Ocean, you're up next! - but dressing up an obvious cry for attention as some kind of edgy art piece is beyond insincere. Who could have guessed that Daniel would turn out to be the thirstiest diva in the game?  

12. Echo - Foxes (Video)

Foxes is one of the most promising female artists on the planet. I love every song she has released - including this one - but just can't get past the idiotic video. She looks absolutely demented sitting there with an eye mask over her forehead and the whole love-affair-with-a-crash-test-dummy storyline made me want to pull my eyes from their socket. An epic fail on every level.  

11. Waiting On You - Michelle Williams and Ultra Nate (Video)

I wasn't expecting "Telephone" but this has to be a pisstake, no?  

10. Do It Like That - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Ricki-Lee struck out again with this shocker. A cheap but not cheerful "Crazy In Love" rip-off that looks like it was filmed for $10 on someone's iPhone. That budget also covered the Supre fashion and five minute dance lesson that someone gave the former Young Diva before filming.  

9. Give Me All Your Luvin' - Madonna (Video)

Madonna did it for the kids on "Give Me All Your Luvin'" and made herself look twice as old in the process. For every good idea - the pram is funny - there's a ridiculous scene like the shenanigans in the vodka bar. And what's with Nicki and MIA? The latter looks absolutely miserable - as if she could sense her credibility melting away in front of her very eyes.

8. Call My Name - Cheryl Cole (Video)

I'm not even going to lie. "Call My Name" is the best song Cheryl has ever released and I grew to love it despite her terrible vocal. Which makes this video all the more annoying. Why would you give a club song the urban video treatment? More importantly, what is with this choreography? Chezza looks like she's been struck with epilepsy. Embarrassing.

7. Beauty And A Beat - Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj (Video)

So 43-year-old Nicki Minaj hangs out at a children's waterpark "rapping" about a teenager's "wiener" and nobody bats at eyelid? Shame on you all. I'm calling the police.

6. Wildest Dreams - Brandy (Video)

Damn, Brandy. I know times are tough but this is the cheapest video I have ever seen from a mainstream pop star. It looks like rehearsal footage pieced together by an intern using Windows moviemaker. Seriously, why even bother? This was never going to be played on television. What a waste of a good song!  

5. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)

I'm really not here to watch this cunt model evening gowns.  

4. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)

Madonna looks really good in this video. Shame she spends it dancing with a bunch of Ukrainian gays in high heels. I don't understand why Vadge keeps churning out these low budget shockers. She has enough cash to make an amazing video - why not spend it? And please stop pandering to the gays. I know we're the only people who buy her music but it's starting to get uncomfortable. Like an overenthusiastic car salesman.

3. Girl On Fire - Alicia Keys (Video)

It's not every day that someone releases a video so bad that it actually ruins a great song for you. Alicia's "Girl On Fire" is an epic track but apparently it's about fancy wallpaper and doing household chores if this shocker is any indication. So bad it's absolutely mystifying.  

2. Scream & Shout - Britney and will.i.am (Video)

There's really no excuse for how jaw-droppingly bad this video is. Everything about it is second rate. From the special effects to that horrible wig on Britney's head. It's like they were in such a rush to get it out that they filmed it in afternoon and edited it in the taxi on the way back from the studio. Watching this will give you retinal damage.  

1. Pound The Alarm - Nicki Minaj (below)

If you want to watch Nicki shake her fake tits for four minutes, then this is the video for you. Enjoy!

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The 15 Worst Albums Of 2012

Everything about 2012 sucked - including pop music. I can't remember another year when I struggled to find a single album to enjoy from beginning to end. There were quite a few good ones but only a handful of truly great records. On the flip side, there was no shortage of stinkers. I feel like the music industry is in a rut. The electro-dance trend is finally running out of steam and other genres (apart from country) simply don't sell at the moment. So what's a bitch to do? Record a lazy, half-arsed album that just treads water turned out to be the popular choice.

As such, putting this list together too easy. I could have made a top 50 but couldn't be fucked revisiting that many shockers. Instead I chose to concentrate on the main offenders. Surprisingly, a number of former faves are included. It pains me to admit that many of these divas were once near and dear to me. Of course there are also a bunch of regulars that continue to commit crimes against music. Speaking of which, I should give Leona Lewis a special shout out. Glassheart is her first album not to feature on my annual 'worst of' countdown. It's not gonna make my best of countdown either but congratultions are still in order!

So here goes. These are the 15 worst albums of 2012:

15. Fear & Freedom - Ricki-Lee

Oh look, it's my old friend Ricki-Lee! I don't know where to start with this saga. After years of blind fandom - search the site - I wrote a critical review of her "Do It Like That" video and triggered World War III. It was all a bit embarrassing but I still had high hopes for Fear & Freedom. After all, "Raining Diamonds" was a triumph and Ricki has some of the best pipes in the country. Unfortunately, her third offering is a collection of limp dance anthems that Melissa Tkautz would turn down for being too dated. Frustratingly, there are a couple of gems. I love the current single "Burn It Down" and think "Never Let Go" is a hit. The rest is as generic as Homebrand toilet paper.

14. The Truth About Love - Pink

This album was great when it was originally released as I'm Not Dead. It was slightly less enjoyable when rehashed as Funhouse and almost unlistenable the third time around with the exception of "Try". Which is a cover anyway. When are people going to wake up to this fraud?

13. Timomatic - Timomatic

How ridiculous is that cover art? Tim looks like a gay pimp that was just assaulted by the world's worst Photoshop newcomer. Sadly, the music isn't much better. The first two singles were magnificent - particularly the epic "If Looks Could Kill" - but the rest is generic urban-dance trash that Chris Brown wouldn't piss on. I think Tim has talent but, on the evidence of this, very little charisma and no versatility. Maybe a career as a dancer is the way forward?

12. Electra Heart - Marina & The Diamonds

Now this stings. I've been supporting Marina since the beginning. In fact, I used to chat with her on Myspace before she was even signed. And then it all came together. The pre-debut vinyl EPs moved me to tears and The Family Jewels hit all the right notes. But it didn't sell and that obviously rubbed the openly ambitious Marina the wrong way. So she worked with a bunch of big producers, dumbed down her sound and limited her lyrical scope to standard radio fare. Electra Heart produced one hit single but ultimately sank faster than the Bionic. I hope it's a lesson learned.

11. Tresspassing - Adam Lambert

I really want to like Adam Lambert. He has all the makings of a great pop star - apart from good songs. What annoys me the most about Tresspassing is that he bragged about making the album he always wanted to make. So he spent his whole life dreaming of a poorly-executed Pink tribute album? Where is the guts? More disturbing, where is the glam? This is such a shitty, watered-down affair with no style and nothing even resembling a hit. I'd take his last, blatantly commercial album over this epic fail any day of the week.

10. Heartbreak On Hold - Alexandra Burke

This poor bitch. Alexandra realised that walking in Leona's middle-of-the-road footsteps would lead to ruin, so she tried to shake things up and reemerge as an edgy club diva. It was a pretty good plan until she had the misfortune of hooking up with the worst producers in the history of popular music. Dated doesn't begin to describe these tired-as-fuck beats. I blame the label. Releasing something this poorly crafted is just setting someone up to fail. Oh well, there's always Celebrity Big Brother. Right?

9. Halycon - Ellie Goulding

Chalk this up as another bitter disappointment. I loved her debut despite those ricepaper thin vocals and limited lyrical scope. Ellie was just starting to get some serious traction with US top 10 hit "Lights" and then decides to turn her back on the perky synthpop sound that made her famous in favour of meandering indie-pop fare and semi-acoustic ballads. Why? With the exception of "Anything Could Happen", Halcyon is bereft of hits - and even decent filler for that matter. This is the perfect example of someone pushing boundaries in all the wrong directions.

8. A Million Lights - Cheryl

How do you solve a problem like Cheryl? My suggestion is a bullet.

7. Unapologetic - Rihanna

Read my review. I hear it's really popular with The Navy! You know, this is such a sad little record. Unapologetic is just two good songs slapped together with a bunch of filler to get something on shelves in time for Christmas. Def Jam clearly has no long term plan for Rih or they wouldn't be churning through whatever goodwill she has left after Talk That Talk with another basic-as-fuck rush job.

6. Anxiety - Ladyhawke

I've heard of the sophomore slump but Ladyhawke committed sophomore suicide with this jaw-droppingly dreadful effort. I defy you to find one decent chorus on this stinking piece of shit! It makes me wonder who selected the songs for her debut because this is proof that Pip had no involvement in that flawless pop gem whatsoever. Let's just play "My Delirium" and pretend this never happened. Please.

5. Ten - Girls Aloud

Excuse my while I laugh my fucking arse off. These five talentless cunts really thought they were something special despite never denting a chart outside the UK. To the extent that they all embarked on solo careers and flopped one after the other. Honestly, it was like watching lemmings walk off a cliff!

So with no career prospects left, the already washed-up divas reunite for a Greatest Hits album that barely scraped into the UK top 10 and fell down the charts like a brick being thrown from a second floor window. This tiresome collection of minor UK hits is painfully generic and boring. When are they going to throw in the towel and ask Nadine for a job at Tesco?

4. Roman Reloaded - Nicki Minaj

You know, I was here for Nicki when she broke. Pink Friday was a solid rap album with a couple of pop detours to keep radio interested. The genre was hers to own if she wanted. Instead, she reinvented herself as the female Pitbull on Roman Reloaded - singing generic club-bangers for undiscerning gay men. What the fuck? And yet, the Barbz lapped it up and radio kept playing her shit. I hope Onika enjoys her moment because I've noticed that the tide starting to turn. It's only a matter of time before she's trading mixtapes with Lil' Mama.

3. Infatuation - Kate Alexa

Sorry but I'm going to say it. How ugly do you have to be for someone to suggest your album cover would look better if you brushed your hair over your face? Good lord. The thing that annoys me the most about this abomination is that I was always in Kate's corner when she was being trashed by the media for being Michael Gudinsky's daughter. If my dad ran a record label, I'd expect some special treatment too!

And her first album was extremely cute. I liked all the singles and even stanned for "Teardrops" - her bizarre collab with Baby Bash. But this mess... is unforgivable. Who wrote and produced clangers like "Fucked Up Me", "I Deny" and "I Don't Think So"? I want to know so I can demand a written apology! And don't even start me on "X Rated". Of all the divas I want to hear singing about porn, Kate comes somewhere between Susan Boyle and Judith Durham.

2. Child Of The Universe - Delta Goodrem

Look at this smug bitch sitting at her stupid piano thinking she's a supermodel. Anyone would think she had a career outside of Australia! "Child Of The Universe" is another spectacularly empty and soulless affair that desperately tries to convey Delta's talent but really just showcases her vocal and lyrical shortcomings. And get off that fucking piano. You're not Yanni! Without her stint on The Voice, this would have disappeared in a matter of weeks. Oh it did anyway? GIRL, BYE.

1. MDNA - Madonna

Now let me pull up a comfortable chart because this might take a while. MDNA, or MDOA as I like to call it, is the absolute nadir of Madonna's painfully long career. She's had some lows - ie. every album she's released since Ray Of Light, especially the original Bionic otherwise known as Hard Candy - but I admire her business smarts. When you've been in the game since 1923, you pick up some tricks and the senior citizen is good at following a flop with a commercial album. Like when she bounced back from American Life with Confessions.

And that was obviously the plan this time around. To come back with the most generic, radio-friendly offering she could manage complete with rent-a-rapper Nicki Minaj and that other bitch that noone cares about. So how did it all go so wrong? Some people said she was too old for dance music. There are parts of Madonna that are younger than Birdy, so that's not it. I don't agree that everyone over the age of 40 should singing jazz covers. Kylie, Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Lopez are still making fun music for people half their age. But I guess there's a difference between churning out catchy dance anthems and singing about gang-bangs and being fucked up on drugs.

Who is she trying to impress? We all know Vadge is in bed at five o'clock watching Wheel Of Fortune with all the other oldies. And then there were the heinous single choices. Only the most ratchet queen is going to download a song that spells Madonna's name out in the lyrics. We were all trying to keep this purchase on the downlow! And "Girl Gone Wild"? Bitch, please. That boat sailed in the '80s and is currently rotting next to the Titanic. If nothing else, MDNA did provide fodder for the magical YouTube clip below and proved once and for all that Martin Solveig should never be allowed back in a studio. Ever again.

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Madonna To Record Lana Del Rey Tribute Album

Joking! I just needed an excuse to post this pic. I hope she gets the hint.

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Critically Acclaimed Madonna Shade

I've been quoted in a BBC article about the cancellation of Madonna's tour. This shit is comedy gold. I always knew my big mouth would take me places! I'm also available for insightful commentary on Rihanna, Cheryl Cole and Delta Goodrem if required.

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Madonna's Turn Up The Radio - Video Review

I remember when a new Madonna video was an international event. These days the poor bitch has to settle for a couple of middle-aged gays losing their shit on Twitter. Life is cruel. "Turn Up The Radio" is the third visual from her aluminum-selling MDNA album and, happily, marks something of a return to form. Don't get me wrong. This is no masterpiece and it pales in comparison to the latest efforts from relevant pop stars like Katy Perry but it's harmless fun and Madonna looks less terrifying than usual in the daylight. Here are 5 random thoughts about "Turn Up The Radio":

1. The song is truly awful. I hated Hard Candy but at least it had two good cuts.

2. Madonna does not understand irony. This song will never be played on the radio and the diva's fans are too old to follow her along the winding streets of Italy without zimmer frames and assistance animals.

3. Why have the videos from MDNA been so cheap? The former hitmaker is one of the richest women alive. She can afford to drop a couple of million on a memorable clip instead of working with the kind of budget Dannii is usually lumped with.

4. The concept reminds me a bit of Kreayshawn's "Gucci Gucci" video - only with an exotic locale and attractive people.

5. Madonna looks nice and she appears to be having a good time. I just don't know why she bothered. The clip isn't spectacular enough to help the single and the song isn't good enough to boost the album. She'd be better off rush-recording a couple of new tracks and re-releasing MDNA. Pop stars who still care about their career do it all the time.

I guess we should be grateful that the fiery senior citizen is still releasing singles from an album that fell off the chart faster than Bionic. I just think she can do so much better. Excuse me while I go and watch "Love Profusion" on repeat.

6/10

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Madonna's Best Single & Video In Ages

At first glance you could be mistaken for thinking Lisa Gail Allred is Madonna's vastly younger sister. But the menopausal beauties share more than strikingly good looks. They also boast a similar vocal range and talent quota. Just check out the country queen's viral smash "3 Second Rule" (above). I haven't heard notes like this since... actually, I've never heard anything like this before. Lisa is a truly unique talent and isn't constrained by boring conventions like singing in key. She's above that. Then there's the epic video, which puts her doppelganger's recent effort to shame. "Girl Gone Wild" had gay men dancing in heels. Who gives a fuck? "3 Second Rule" stars the most alluring woman in music and a bunch of uncoordinated boot-scootin' cowboys. The new Shania Twain wins! Shockingly, the future smash isn't available on iTunes yet. I think it's clear who's responsible. Why won't Madonna let Lisa be great?

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 1

Due to popular demand Pop Panel is back for another season of hot songs, future hits and bottom of the barrel trash! There will be some changes this time around - fortnightly or monthly updates instead of weekly editions and perhaps fewer judges - but I'm still working all that out. I just thought I'd jump in the deep end and see how it goes. Fingers crossed. This week's winner was a bit predictable but well-deserved. I'm pressed about some of the votes and comments but I'll get over it! Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following regulars:

Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet

We are also joined by the following judges:

Stephen (US) writer of The Middle Eight

and

Kennedy Carter (UK) full-time porn star and part-time pop blogger. The ginger Brit is not only adorable but also smart as a whip and completely addicted to pop. Some guys really are the complete package! Before getting down to business he kindly answered some music-related questions:

What kind of music are you into?
Lots of electronic stuff, lots of techno, and lots of pop.

How did you get into Scandipop?
I think on your recommendation!

Where do you find new tracks?
Pop Justice, Resident Advisor, Scandipop, Idolator, Soundcloud and Twitter.

Favourite song and album?
Right now my favorite song is "Radio" by Lana Del Rey, and my favorite album is Silver Moon by Donkeyboy.

What is the best soundtrack for shagging?
Depends on the type of shagging!

The results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Madonna - Girl Gone Wild (Video)

87-year-old pop icon joins forces with Ukrainian dance outfit Kazaky for the second video from her 103rd studio album MDNA.

Jacques: The music video for this song has had a very mixed reaction, with a lot of people criticizing Madge for copping out by writhing around with a bunch of beefy fags crawling all over her like she's done a million times before. Normally I'd agree, but I think this was a fabulous homage to her classics like "Erotica" and "Justify My Love", while also being a huge slap to GaGa for ripping off "Express Yourself". This would be the ultimate triumph if the song itself wasn't such pure shit. 2.5/5
Kennedy: I loathe this record. Just like with "4 Minutes", it feels like Madonna, instead of pioneering new sounds as she once did, is chasing a sound that has been the zeitgeist for a long time, that vacuous, Euro-influenced, autotuned dance pop that finds it impossible to produce lyrical content that relates to anything else than being in a club. Madonna has not showed much aptitude for a nuanced lyric in many years and this is no exception, and the sound is as generic as it gets, but the whole mess is saved by a glorious video that gleefully rehashes many of the imagery that made her such a controversial, exciting artist back in her heyday, reminding us that no matter how outré we find our current popstars, Madonna was there doing it all while they were still in diapers. 1/5
Mike: Why does this geriatric cunt even bother? 0/5
Robbie: I'm going to be tough on this broad for moment and say this would be a good song for anyone else. But it's Madonna. There is some pretty fucking amazing material on MDNA, but you'd never know it from the two lead singles. At any rate, yeah, it's still a good jam overall, and her tits look classy in the trashola video. 3.5/5
Stephen: Okay, the song is – join the chorus – reductive. But sorry, she is slaying all your faves in that video. She looks beyond amazing. Most divas can’t manage that at 25, much less 52. Song 2/5, video 5/5.
Total: 9/25

Gossling - Wild Love (Video)

Australian singer-songwriter currently has a top ten hit as the featured vocalist on 360's "Boys Like You". This is her grab for solo glory.

Jacques: Quirky folk-pop has to be my least favorite genre of music and should only be listened to by lame lesbians and trendy coffee shop owners, but I love the production here and the melody. The hook is also impossibly catchy. 3.5/5
Kennedy: One of the most lovely voices I have heard recently, a smoky mix of Duffy and Lykke Li but nicer than both. A perfect summer song for a sunny day. 3/5
Mike: Something about this moody little gem reminds me of Paula Cole's "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone". For that reason alone, it's easily the best song in this week's line-up.
Robbie: I was hoping this was Ryan Gosling's attempt at a music career. Nope, just another helium-voiced ho who needs kicked in the baby box. 0/5
Stephen: Gossling or gosling or geesling? She sounds like a singing duck! 0/5
Total: 11.5/25

Marina & The Diamonds - Primadonna (Video)

The latest taste from her soon-to-be-released sophomore album "Electra Heart".

Jacques: I'm a huge Marina fan and I like this song, but she's such a humorless cunt who needs to get her head out of her ass. Can you believe that she had the nerve to send me an abusive DM on Twitter just because I innocently stated that she'd suck Ron Fair off in the back of McDonalds just to get a hit? The nerve! Well Marina, you know what they say: Payback's a bitch, and so am I! Mwahahaha. 0/5
Kennedy: I love Marina. I love the wit in her lyrics, I love the stridency of her voice, and the way her British accent creeps into her vocals. I was obsessed with Radioactive and this follows a similar vibe, a rare example of the Euro-pop sound mentioned above that is done with intelligence, humor, and class. 5/5
Mike: DEAD at The Prophet's scandalous revelations! As for this song... well, it's nice. But like "Radioactive" and "Homewrecker", it's missing the raw emotional core that made songs like "I Am Not A Robot" and "Oh No!" modern pop classics. I really hope there's better stuff on the album or Marina will end up doing dinner theatre on the same bill as Lolene and Sky Ferreira. 3/5
Robbie: Dr. Luke barfs out another Katy Perry reject (see: Jessie J, "Domino") and passes it along to another eager starlet hoping to have a global hit. Like with Madonna, there are way better songs than this on Marina's upcoming album. "Primadonna" isn't awful. It's just throwaway. 2.5/5
Stephen: Why does this song bore me so much? Doe she really think this is her worldwide pop breakthrough? I wish Marina would embrace her sideways cool and stop trying to be Katy Perry. Wicked video though, I’ll give her that. 3/5
Total: 13.5/25

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - Candy Candy (Video)

They do things differently in Japan.

Jacques: Fucking iconic. Yasutaka Nakata is one of the best producers in the world -- his stuff with Perfume and Capsule is nothing less than spectacular, and leaves the rest of the world's pop for dead. I love that he gets to channel a different side of himself through little Miss Harajuku-on-acid Kyary Pamyu Pamyu. With the rate Kyary's going in Japan and all the international coverage she's been getting, she's going to be a certified cult-pop icon in a few years time. Who the fuck needs RedOne and Lady GaGa when you've got Nakata and Caroline Charonplop Kyary Pamyu Pamyu? 5/5
Kennedy: I had to stop once the video got to the breakdancing anime-faced Real Doll during the second verse, and I haven't been able to sleep since. I think it's living under my bed. 0/5
Mike: While nothing will ever top "Ponponpon", the new Madonna slays all your faves with her pretty synths and iconic lyrics like "chewing chewing chewing chewing chewing". And then there's the epic clip. Imagine the director of The Ring filming a pop video after smoking peyote and you're almost there. 5/5
Robbie: I had this nightmare once before. It's pretty much what you hear/see in the background while you're getting ass-raped for all eternity by 80-year-old Marlon Brando's bloated corpse. 2/5
Stephen: The Japanese are so mental. At a certain point (like after 3 songs?) all their pop sounds the same. I have never seen Japanese porn – is it this whackadoodlepoodle? 2/5
Total: 14/25

Rebecca & Fiona - Dance (Video)

Sweden's gloomiest girlband is back with another dark dance anthem.

Jacques: Fuck off, Scandipop. K-Pop has replaced you. Bye. 1/5
Kennedy: Spooky, ethereal gloompop. Not in any way a flamboyant record, but it captures perfectly the fractured, echoey, forlorn sound that "iamamiwhoami" did so brilliantly. 3/5
Mike: I love these girls. They are a bit pretentious and need to be prescribed industrial strength anti-depressants but their music is pitch perfect. This is so beautifully morose yet still irritatingly catchy. 4.5/5
Robbie: Nothing but love for this song (and album). It's a pity they didn't have "Dance" out last year, because it would've made a great addition to the Drive soundtrack. 4/5
Stephen: So it’s a song called "Dance" that you can only shrug your shoulders to? Zero melody but decent electronics. 2/5
Total: 14.5/25

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Lana Del Rey - Blue Jeans (Below)

The new queen of elegantly-depressed pop unleashes the third single from "Born To Die".

Jacques: I'm a total Lana Lover but I like her as a person more than I like her actual music. Some of her songs are brilliant, but her album as a whole is too poppy (and not in a good way) and vastly overrated in the blogosphere. Luckily, "Blue Jeans" is one of the album's standouts, and the video is all kinds of amazing. This is easily one of the best singles of 2012, but I'm not particularly looking forward to hearing her do it live. 5/5
Kennedy: The soundtrack to the seediest, saddest strip club at the end of the world, one lone dancer on a blue-lit stage, cigarette smoke in the air. One of the highlights from a great album, and the new video is like a Helmut Newton wet dream. 5/5
Mike: I stan hard for Lana and worship this tune but what's with the video edit? I vastly prefer the original mix, so this only gets 4/5 from me.
Robbie: Not one of Lana's best, though this video(/radio?) mix is interesting. Really, I'd have gone with "National Anthem" as the third single. That song makes me want to fuck on a bed of cash. 3/5
Stephen: Why oh why is this the new single? Just give us "Radio"! This is too close to "Video Games" in sound. At least we can squeal “oh baby oooh!” with her. 3/5
Total: 20/25

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Madonna's Reductive Super Bowl Performance

You know, I was going to keep my trap shut about Madonna's Super Bowl performance. My parents taught me to respect my elders and it seemed to be well-received by her less discerning fans. But then somebody sent me a bunch of pics comparing the production to Kylie's revolutionary Aphrodite - Les Folies tour and I had to speak out. I'm not sure where the images originated but let me know and I'll credit your hard work in the pursuit of truth, honesty and artistic integrity.

To be honest, the parallels between the 53-year-old's half-time extravaganza and Ms Minogue's show passed me by while I was watching the unfortunate trainwreck unfold before my eyes. I was more put off by Madonna's bad miming and unflattering costume. Not to mention the first cringeworthy pop culture moment of 2012 when the former hitmaker dragged out LMFAO and made a fool of herself trying to perform some kind of geriatric leg lift.

However, on closer inspection, the similarities can't be denied. From the costumes to the staging - this is pretty much a blatant rip-off. Sure, Madonna's team threw in some new choreography and some nifty LCD displays but we've seen it all before. It doesn't bother me so much if this is just something she threw together for the Super Bowl but I'm concerned if it's a taste of her forthcoming world tour. What's next a 3D concert film and pop-up deluxe edition of MDNA hand cut by Dannii that takes 8 months to arrive?

Watch the bogusness below. Reductive is the word.

EDIT: Picture via Live Learn Shine On.

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The Return Of M-old-onna

Madonna is smart. I'll give her that. "Give Me All Your Luvin'" is a triumph from a marketing perspective. Start a feud with Lady Gaga, hire Nicki Minaj for radio relevance and buy M.I.A.'s soul for credibility. Throw in a Super Bowl performance and a newly rejuvenated face and you have a hit single. But is it any good? The short answer is no.

To my ears, "Give Me All Your Luvin'" is the completely unnecessary sequel to "4 Minutes" - yet another embarrassing plea to be embraced by the kids. It wouldn't bother me as much if the track itself was forward-thinking and original but this is derivative beyond belief. For starters, cheerleader chants have been done to death. Avril Lavigne, Kylie and Gwen Stefani all went there years ago and did it considerably better. Then there's the biggest problem. Martin Solveig basically just recycled his current club hit "Big In Japan". It's exactly the same song - only better because Martina from Dragonette isn't egotistical enough to chant her own name.

And what about feature creatures Nicki Minaj and M.I.A.? They are just used as comparatively youthful scenery. Onika gets a tiny rap while her formerly hip partner-in-crime is reduced to shouting a couple of lines before fading into the background. The annoying thing is - Lady Gaga has made electronic music palatable to US radio programmers again. Madonna could have come back with another "Music" or "Ray Of Light" and it would have generated just as much attention without making her look ten shades of desperate.

As for the video, it's a fail too. The horizontal walking is stolen from Kylie's last concert tour (look up "Wow" on YouTube) and I'm bored with all the self-referential garbage. She looks utterly ridiculous in that whit dress. Looks like Lady Gaga gets the last laugh. Fuck all of our lives!

RATING: 3.5/10

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The 20 Shadiest Music Moments Of 2011

Is it just me or was 2011 shadier than usual? It seems like every ho with a record deal was caught doing something underhand this year. Perhaps we're just more observant and unnecessarily criticise artists for playing the game. Or maybe the music business is so cut-throat at the moment that you need sticky fingers and a Teflon conscience just to get ahead. In any case, there were no shortage of examples to choose from when I put together my list of 2011's shadiest moments. I'm sure I forgot some essential acts of thievery and bad behaviour - so feel free to remind me in the comments.

20. Kylie's pop-up book debacle

Kylie announced the $199 "Goddess Edition" of her album way back in June. It's now December and still nowhere to be seen. It can't have been easy for Dannii to cut and paste each copy herself between takes on Australia's Got Talent but this whole debacle is starting to feel shadier than a rain forest.

19. Britney's tweets

And the award for the most obviously ghost-written Twitter belongs to Britney. Who do they think they're kidding? We all know Brit is too high on Xanax and Vicodin to stand without assistance, let alone regularly update her social media platforms with tightly-scripted content. Many artists have admin staff running their Twitter - I met the guy being paid to write Taylor Swift's tweets when I was in New York - but Britney's lack of involvement is so obvious that it crosses into shady territory.

18. Lady Gaga inventing Madonna's support

Now this was awkward. At the height of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" controversy (ie. that it's a blatant "Express Yourself" rip-off), the deluded one went on the Jay Leno Show and proudly announced that Madonna sent her an email declaring her love for the song. Unfortunately, the 97-year-old pop icon's publicist denied the exchanged ever happened. How embarrassing!

17. Madonna's mad YouTube skillz

Madonna is the Queen of shade - probably because she sleeps in a crypt and only comes out at night to feed on male models. In the year's shadiest click of a button, the once popular singer rubbed more salt into Lady Gaga's wounds by uploading "Express Yourself" to her YouTube account - a move that was interpreted as a clear jab at Mother Monster.

16. Lady Gaga thanks Whitney Houston

The not-so-subtle feud between Madonna and Lady Gaga continued at the Grammys when the latter thanked Whitney Houston for inspiring "Born This Way" - despite the fact that it sounds like everything Madge recorded in the '80s thrown into a blender. Acknowledging the pop legend's biggest rival was a particularly shady touch.

15. Kelly Rowland releases a greatest hits album - with no hits

Girl, please.

14. Rihanna's bargain bundles

While Katy Perry's price-rigging on iTunes generated loud criticism across the blogosphere, Rihanna's "buy my last album, get my new single for free" deal was inexplicably given a pass. By everyone but me.

13. Beyoncé's "Countdown" choreography

King B stole ten seconds of a dance routine from a random Belgian ballet in her iconic "Countdown" video and faced the wrath of the original choreographer. While I'm usually down with Bey's stunning homages, this particular example was more specific and detailed than usual. It's a clever reference and works brilliantly in the clip but someone could have cleared it with Teresa before the ungrateful bitch went ballistic.

12. Rico Love's beat recycling

It's a common dilemma - a song blows up and everyone wants a piece of the action - but how many times can Rico Love recycle Kelly Rowland's "Motivation"? First came Melanie Fiona's awesome "4am" and now Mary J's equally good "Mr Wrong". Ryan Tedder and RedOne have been doing it for years but this shit is still super shady regardless of the original's quality.

11. Britney's body double

Anyone with eyes can tell that Britney didn't dance in "Hold It Against Me" - I'm convinced her stand-in was actually a man! - but she vehemently denied it. The same accusations were made about Brit's "Til The World Ends" video but this time she was proven to be a shady liar when photos of her body double performing choreography surfaced online. Worst yet is using a body double to make out with her real-life boyfriend in her aptly-titled "Criminal" video. That goes beyond shady into the realm of totally fucked-up.

10. Onika's age

Nicki Minaj is possibly the oldest person nominated for a Best New Artist Grammy in the Award's history. Earlier this year, her cover was blown when a police report outed her as being 28 years old. Until then the poor man's Lil Kim had listed her age as 26. Whoops.

9. Lana Del Ray's entire career

I love Lana Del Slay. She is my new obsession and I still play "Video Games" on repeat. But all this crap about making her own videos and being discovered on YouTube is hard to swallow. This has been a carefully orchestrated exercise in record label shadiness from the beginning. And you know what? It worked. So now she can stop pretending that she does everything from catering to injecting her lips with filler between takes on her self-funded, self-directed and self-styled videos. Something in the tea ain't clean!

8. Flo Rida and Leona Lewis rip off Avicii

Avicii really needs to get a copyright lawyer on retainer. First Leona Lewis steals the Swede's hit instrumental "Penguin" for her gigantic flop "Collide" and then Flo Rida pilfers "Levels" for "Good Feeling". If nothing else all this shadiness has raised the DJ's profile and made him the go-to producer for singers that can't afford David Guetta

7. Jeff Bhasker trashing "Motivation"

Everyone should be able to express their own opinion on Twitter but there was something distinctly shady about the producer behind some of the hottest cuts on Beyoncé's "4" trashing Kelly Rowland's "Motivation" - particularly when Rico Love's production was riding high at #1 on the R&B chart at the time and Bhasker's efforts were getting a lot less love.

6. Kelly Rowland's recycled videos

Sarah Chatfield proved to be the music industry's greenest director when she recycled two videos for Ms Kelly. "Lay It On Me" was a scene-by-scene remake of Livvi Franc's "Now I'm That Bitch", while "Down For Whatever" re-visited Wynter Gordon's "Believer". I'm not sure where the blame lies but this is seriously shady. It's one thing to take an idea and make it better but this was just lazy.

5. Beyoncé's BBMA performance

I have never seen anything like King B's 2011 Billboard Music Award performance. That was next level shit that made your tired fave look like a dusty typewriter in comparison to Bey's shiny, new laptop. But it doesn't change the fact that elements were taken from a previous performance by Lorella Cuccarini. As it turns out the Queen of soul, pop and probably country (if she put her mind to it), hired the Italian singer's producers to re-create the technology - so she can hardly be accused of stealingit. The shadiness results from tarnishing such an iconic moment by using an old idea - regardless of whether she improved on it (she did) or not.

4. Lady Gaga's "Judas" debacle

Mother Monster's sticky fingers worked over time this year. Not only did she blatantly steal "WannaBE" from Loli Lux - using the sexy DJ's exact beats on "Judas" - but she then stole the video concept from Brandy! The similarities to that diva's "Afrodisiac" clip - also choreographed by Laurieann Gibson, funnily enough - are uncanny.

3. Rihanna rapes David LaChappelle's artistic legacy

In a bid to spread her creative wings Rihanna decided to co-direct her "S&M" video. So the Barbadian bonehead flipped through a book of David LaChappelle's photos and basically stole his entire aesthetic. He had the last laugh when she had to cough up the big dollars to keep it out of court. You would have thought Rih-cycle would have learned from stealing M.I.A.'s "Boyz" video concept for "Rude Boy". Shady lady.

2. Katy Perry's price-rigging

I kind of love Katy Perry's creative antics (iTunes discounts, celebrity videos and completely unnecessary remixes) to rack up number one hits in America but it is shady. Can't she just be proud of landing six top 10 hits from the one album? That's an insane achievement! I'm not sure if losing all credibility to squeeze out another couple of chart-toppers is really worth it. Having said all that, I really hope "The One That Got Away" makes it to number one just to annoy everyone!

1. Lady Gaga's 99 cent album deal

The majority of these entries have been tongue-in-cheek. I don't care that Nicki Minaj is a couple of weeks away from menopause and Bey can copy as many Belgian flops as she likes. However, Mother Monster's 99 cent album deal crossed all kinds of lines. At a time when illegal downloading has all but killed the music industry, Lady Gaga gave the year's most highly-anticipated album away for free. Or near enough. If people didn't think mp3s were worthless before, they sure do now. And for what? To get a bogus first week sales record? So lame, so shady, so Gaga.

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My 2 Cents On Madonna's Latest

An exclusive first look at Madonna's "Give Me All Your Love" artwork

I still remember the first and only time I listened to "Hard Candy". My ears started to bleed and I had to douche with holy water before throwing the CD under the nearest moving vehicle. It took me years to recover but lately I've become a bit sentimental about the old girl and found myself revisiting her earlier work - particularly 2003's underrated "American Life". I was actually looking forward to new material but if the recently leaked "Give Me All Your Love" is any indication of the pop icon's new sound, I'll pass. And not for the reasons other people are citing. Let's be clear - I like it when old ladies make club records!

If it were up to me Olivia Newton-John and Bette Midler would be in the studio dabbling in dub step at this very moment. The idea that dance music is restricted to kids is just ridiculous. Madonna has always been about the dancefloor and will hopefully still be popping her wrinkly pussy in that gross leotard well into her twilight years. The problem is her choice of material. "Give Me All Your Love" is embarrassing. I don't think it sounds like Britney or Gwen Stefani and Avril Lavigne fans need to take a seat. She did not invent chanting! The sad truth is none of those divas would release something this generic and soulless. Well, apart from Ms Spears.

While I can't deny that there's something cute (and catchy) about the chorus, as a whole, it falls flat. Madonna sounds like a robot and the lyrics are painful. Age has got nothing to do with it. This track would be equally shit if sung by a 20 year old. Earlier today Guy Oseary tweeted that "Give Me All Your Love" is just a demo, which is some relief but he did confirm it would be on the album. My question is why? Madonna can work with whoever she likes and this Sabi B-side is the best she can come up with? Return to the drawing board, bitch and try again. Your legacy demands it.

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