Kelly Rowland Sings About Her Vagina. Yet Again. Kisses Down Low - Review

What is wrong with Kelly Rowland? Ever since "Motivation" became a well-deserved but surprise hit, she has had sex on the brain. First, there was the soft porn "Lay It On Me" video. The Destiny's Child backing vocalist then claimed she was "Down For Whatever" before raising temperatures - of perverts and sex offenders - on "Ice". Now the randy bitch is back with another ode to her insatiable vagina called "Kisses Down Low".

I hate to say it but I blame Beyoncé. She was always the sexy one in Destiny's Child. Take the iconic "Cater 2 U" video. Bey writhed around in a tiny bikini, while Ms Kelly tried and failed to rock an unflattering safari suit. It's nice that the former girl-next-door can finally embrace her inner-bombshell but enough is enough with the sleazy mid-tempo baby-makin' jams.

Having said all that, "Kisses Down Low" is a slick tune. Mike WILL Made It is one of the hottest producers in urban music right now and I love how he mixes the tempo up on Kelly's latest. The beats are hot, it sounds fresh and the lyrics will definitely get attention. Kudos to the failed actress for dropping it two weeks before King B's comeback. I'm here for Ms Rowland's shady sales tactics!

Grab some tissues and listen to "Kisses Down Low"... below.

7/10

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Destiny's Child Return - Nuclear Review

I still remember the first time I heard a Destiny's Child song. As a kid I was obsessed with Rick Dees' Top 40 countdown, which aired late on a Sunday afternoon in Australia. I would devour every track on my battered cassette walkman - often writing down notes on a scrap of paper so I could order the CD at my local record store. Yes, people. Life really sucked in the days before the internet! But back to the children of destiny. One night Rick introduced a new girlband from Texas and spun "No, No, No". My hands shook as I wrote down their name because I knew I had to get my hands on this magical track - which, in retrospect, is quite an odd reaction for a white boy from the suburbs. It was literally love at first listen.

From that moment the Spice Girls and all other lessor acts ceased to exist in my eyes. Beyoncé, Kelly, LaTavia and LeToya were my badly-dressed queens - even if I often had no idea what they were singing about. For years I thought "Bug A Boo" was about insects! They just sounded like angels to me. I cried when the line-up changed, completely lost my shit when the trio finally toured Australia as part of the Rumba festival and held a massive grudge against Bey for years (I basically ignored her first two solo albums) for leaving the band! So how do you respond to news that an act you loved that much has just released a new song for a random compilation of love songs?

The answer - strangely - is with little interest. To be honest, I expected "Nuclear" to be shit. Beyoncé is about to take over the music world with a $50 million dollar Pepsi deal, Superbowl performance and new album - why would she invest time and creativity into what is obviously a record label obligation? And then the initial reviews came in and they were terrible and I felt relief. I could finally listen to the song with no expectation of it being any good. But then I heard the damn thing and realised that everyone is fucked because "Nuclear" is as gorgeous as it is gloriously produced and innovative.

Co-written by Michelle Williams and produced by Pharrell, the smooth mid-tempo jam transports us back to the '90s with the grace of a freshly fueled DeLorean. "Nuclear" mixes soulful harmonies with warm and fuzzy house beats not heard since the glory days of Massive Attack, Pet Shop Boys and - don't laugh - Black Box. There's even a touch of Madonna circa Erotica. This is the sound that Azealia Banks has spent her entire career trying to tap into with varying degrees of success.

Of course, the track is completely unpalatable to listeners who mistake "We Found Love" for R&B and will, most likely, baffle spectators if the ladies perform it at Superbowl. For me, however, "Nuclear" is an unexpectedly happy ending for my favourite band of all time. Special props to Michelle (AKA the legendary vocalist behind top 40 Hungarian hit "We Break The Dawn") for the gorgeous lyrics. "It's nuclear with you here" is the prettiest chorus I've heard in months.

10/10

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Another Day, Another Kelly Rowland Video

Kelly Rowland is now the undisputed queen of refined pussy-poppin' rap collaborations. Congrats! In the past couple of weeks the former Destiny's Child backing vocalist got Ludacris all hot and bothered on "Representin" and sang about putting frozen water in her vagina with Lil Wayne. Unfortunately, neither of those songs have scaled the upper reaches of any chart but she might have more luck with Big Boi's "Mama Told Me". I really like this perky jam. For starters, there are no sordid lyrics about examining your gash in the mirror and it has a catchy pop chorus that would sound great on radio.

The video (below) isn't bad either. I'm not sure about the gimp suit - please tell me that isn't Ms Kelly - or some of the other dubious outfit choices but it's cute and colourful. The flopmaker looks like she's actually having fun instead of trying and failing to look sexy. Fingers crossed "Mama Told Me" takes off. I just worry that having two other videos out at the moment - with another (Future's "Neva End") on the way - might work against her. At least she's still working. Get money, Kelly!

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Kelly Rowland's Vagina Takes Centre Stage - 'Ice' Video Review

Beyoncé's favourite backing vocalist had an epiphany a while back. Her voice wasn't getting much attention, so she shifted the focus to her vagina. It turned out to be an inspired career move. "Motivation" delayed her seemingly inevitable exile to Ashanti's island of failed R&B singers and she's been working those golden pussy lips ever since. Fair play. I like the vast majority most of Kelly's racy sex anthems - strippers need soothing background music too! - but her reunion with Lil Wayne is just too vulgar. Even for me.

Some of the lyrical highlights of "Ice":

- I leave that pussy smokin' like ice
- Pillow underneath my back, got me up against the window
- He hates it when I use my hands
- The mirror up on the ceiling got things so visual

It's basically the worst Xtube clip of all time set to music. But is the video any good? Unfortunately for Kelly's three remaining Rowl Dogs the answer is no. Sure, there is a really hot guy in it and Tenitra's mentor looks beautiful - particularly when she's rocking that huge Diana Ross wig. Apart from that, it's incredibly boring.

The "Party" video star wins points for revisiting some looks from earlier videos and the choreography is nice but I just don't buy the sex fiend routine. Let's not forget that Kelly is a really bad actress. I mean people clapped when her character was murdered in Freddy Vs Jason. I just wish she could be herself. Which is good enough for me but obviously not for the basic bitches downloading this garbage.

Song: 1/10, Video: 5/10

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Kelly Rowland's Mission To Sex Up Rap Music Continues With 'Representin'

You've got to hand it to Kelly Rowland. She's tried it all. After failing at R&B and dance music, she seems to have finally found her niche as the go-to bitch for pornographic rap songs. Bless. The trend started when "Motivation" shocked everyone (including Ms Kelly) by reaching number one on the R&B chart. Since then the diva has sung about putting ice in her pussy and breaking her back in the bedroom. So I guess that makes "Representin" rather quaint by her standards.

Ludacris has been around forever but it's been a while since he's really bothered any chart. With any luck, the veteran's K Row-collab could end his losing streak. "Representin" is actually a decent slice of old school hip-hop that shits on the sample-crazy trash currently ruining the genre. Luda's easy flow blends nicely with Kelly's sassy vocals and the chorus is hot. They even make a cute couple in the video (below). Although the former Destiny's Child backing vocalist looks like she could snap his neck with her thighs in the basketball scene. (Serena Williams called and wants her figure back).

All in all, "Representin" gets two thumbs up and should tide Kelly's pervert-heavy fanbase over until the sure-to-be explicit "Ice" video drops. Can hardly wait for that masterpiece. 

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A New Career High For Kelly Rowland

There's no stopping one-woman hit machine Kelly Rowland. Fresh from releasing 97 buzz singles to promote her not quite Gold-selling album Here I Am, the motivated diva is back with an upbeat cover of an early '90s German pop classic for a Bacardi rum commercial. Could your lame fave? While perhaps not the classiest moment of Ms Kelly's career, I think it's one of her best. Here's why:

1. Bacardi commercials only feature iconic divas. Last year it was Spanish pop legend Marta Sanchez and her stunning club-banger "Get Together" ended up being one of my favourite tracks of 2012. 

2. America won't let Kelly be great. Sure, "Motivation" was a hit but I'm convinced that was largely due to pressed Beyoncé haters downloading the song to derail "Run The World (Girls)". So it's smart for critically unacclaimed Freddy Vs Jason actress to focus on the European market and this sound works there. 

3. "Summer Dreaming" is a well-executed cover of an iconic '90s hit by Kate Yanai. The original version was a huge hit in Germany, reaching number one and selling half a million copies in 1991. It was time for someone to recycle this gem and I love the uptempo overhaul. 

4. The video was shot in Barcelona and is a clear homage to Michelle Williams' "On The Run", which was also filmed in Spain. Tenitra's non-charting club smash had a much bigger budget but Kelly looks pretty and she gets to party with a bunch of drunk Spaniards. Winning. 

I really like this trash and hope it's a big hit for her.

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Remembering When Rihanna & Two Other Flops Paid Tribute To Destiny's Child

Way back in 2005 a trio of sad flops were wheeled out to pay homage to Destiny's Child at the World Music Awards. Those "ladies" were queen of the mixtape Teairra Mari, forgotten R&B diva Amerie and a clueless hoe called Rihanna. The performance is interesting - and memorable - for a number of reasons:

1. The focus was clearly on Tea Tea. Given her complete lack of success, it's very easy to forget that she was once, very briefly, hailed as the next big thing.

2. As usual, Amerie is all but hidden behind a curtain. I don't know what this woman has to do to get some respect. Even in her hey day she was an afterthought! Of the three, she is clearly the only one who can sing in key.

3. Rihanna looks like a deer caught in headlights. Bitch can't sing or dance, so obviously she's the one that became a superstar.

4. This shows how kind and sweet Beyoncé really is. Instead of laughing or filing her nails, she claps and sings along and generally appears to be enjoying the show.

5. Kelly and Michelle, on the other hand, all but roll their eyes and give the girls major side-eye. I'm sure Jesus wouldn't approve of the scowl on Tenitra's face but I sure do!

6. Most of all, this clip is awesome because it underlines the amazing talent of Destiny's Child. They make the (then) rising stars look like complete chumps by comparison. DC3 never missed a dance move - apart from the time Michelle fell off the stage - and were always pitch perfect.

Watch a bunch of pretenders take on "Lose My Breath" below.

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 5

Another week, another outpouring of catty comments and general bitchiness. Yes, friends - it's time for another edition of Pop Panel! This time around I tried to feature a broader spectrum of pop. There's an Australian contingent, some Euro-pop, American superstars and more stunning K-pop divas. I'm pressed at the treatment some of my faves receive but I'm here for the winner, who attains the highest score thus far in Pop Panel 2012. It's not surprising because the song is flawless. Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following acid-tongued hoes:

Bobby (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Toya (UK) writer of Toya'z World

We are also joined by the following guest judge:

Adem Ali (Aus) writer of the amazing Adem With An E, diehard Madonna fan, Drag Race enthusiast and Geelong celebrity.

As usual the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Trey Songz – Heart Attack (above)

R&B god calls on Kelly Rowland to star in his video. So you know it has to be good.

Adem: Not even the aid of Queen Kellendria Trene Rowland in the video clip can save this song and MV from sounding not only like everything else playlisted on radio, it also sounds about 18 months too late. 0/5
Bobby: Chris Brown comparisons aside, this is like watching paint dry. Incredibly shit. 0/5
Jacques: This is so fucking middle-of-the-road nothingness and seeing K-Row in the music video just made me wish she was singing on the track too. 2/5 
Mike: You just know a song is gonna be massive when Kelly takes time out of her hectic hitmaking schedule to appear in the video. Right...? I love Trey's voice and appreciate Rico Love's 2008-all-over-again production. There just needs to be a remix featuring Tenitra for this to get full marks. 4/5
Robbie: Imagine if either of these two flops were relevant? 0/5
Toya: It's just there isn't it? Not horrible. Not amazing. Just a typical R&B album filler that does not feature him singing from his penis. I hope his next single slays me because this really isn't IT. 2/5
Total = 8/30

Rita Ora – How We Do (Party) (Video)

Rita is blowing up the charts in Europe with "RIP" but this is her US/Australian debut.

Adem: Urgh, this bitch pretending to be K$. Not here for your skanky minge Rita, sorry love. 0/5
Bobby: A vast improvement from her last single but I get the feeling I've heard this all before. Still, isn't Rita from Maida Vale. Where the hell did she get an American accent? Did she steal Madonna's? 3/5
Jacques: I just cannot with this Rihanna knock-off singing this hip-hop version of a Katy Perry B-side. Gay-Z need to stop trying to create these boring-as-fuck artists like Rita and Alexis Jordan and focus his energy on writing shady cheques to Z100 and Hot 97 so they'll spin Beyawnce's shitty records. 0/5 
Mike: Now this is better. I liked "RIP" but it was as dead inside as Britney Spears. "How We Do" is a big dumb party anthem with an epic chorus and cool sample. It doesn't exactly reinvent the wheel but the queen of Albanian pop needs a hit on the board before getting too experimental and this should do nicely. 3.5/5
Robbie: I'm all for three-dollar prostitutes getting off the streets and having success in the mainstream, but, at best, this sounds like a Willa Ford B-side from 2001. Actually, that would imply some merit to the song. It sounds more like a Lolene B-side from 2010. 0/5
Toya: Fun, carefree party track with a catchy sing-a-long chorus and some fun chants. At first I thought it could easily have been sung by Katy fucking Perry but after a few listens, you don't hear anyone but Ora. A bit generic. 3/5 
Total = 9.5/30 

Eric Saade Ft. Dev – Hotter Than Fire (Video)

Swedish hunk has remixed his latest single for the UK.

Adem: “And Eric Sa-ah-dae!” The song may not be as good as Saade's monumental "Popular" from last year and it may also include the slightly horrifying Dev but "Hotter Than Fire" actually goes alright. But can anyone explain to me why Dev looks like a slightly-femme mash-up of Stockard Channing and Tracey Thorn? 3/5

Bobby: I hate it when "pop stars" wear sunglasses in videos indoors. 3/5

Jacques: "She's hotter than fire"? How original. And my God, how many songs does Dev fucking feature on? Every week there's something new. I could understand it if she was actually any good, but she's got a voice that makes La Toya Jackson look like Celine Dion by comparison. DEVoid must give a really good blow job. 0/5 
Mike: Seriously, I won't stand for La Toya shade! I'm deducting points from Jacques' K-Pop selection as revenge. But back to Eric. The song is actually better than I expected given that this Swedish douche is utter shit and Dev is the least convincing pop "star" of all time. The video is awful and the lyrics make me want to laugh but I've heard a lot worse. 2.5/5
Robbie: Instead of shooting a kid out of her taco box, Dev should have just shoved Eric Saade up it. 1/5

Toya: Prince charming has the suave moves to make even the most shiteous electro-pop song tolerable. 2/5
Total = 11.5/30

Spiritus – Lisa Mitchell (Video)

Kooky ex-Australian Idol contestant is about to go on a tour of churches to promote her new spiritual EP.

Adem: Remember when Mitchell released that "Coin Laundry" single and everybody was pelting her with silver coins at gigs? Sadly none of that happens in this video but the song itself is not all that offensive even if it sounds like it should come from one of the cheap Lion King sequels that get released straight to DVD. Perhaps I'm still bitter about the abortion she operated on Blondie's "Heart Of Glass" for Australian Idol all those years ago? Whatever the reason, I am really not here for this. 1/5
Bobby: I love this so much. Delicious vocals with a lovely melody. I cant wait for the album! 5/5
Jacques: Lisa Mitchell is just somebody I can't help but hate. Her music makes drives me crazy. Not that I think it's bad or there's anything wrong with her. It just annoys the shit outta me. And I can't believe she's from my hometown, Albury! 1/5 
Mike: Lovely. "Spiritus" took a few listens to click for me - I prefer her quirky pop moments like "Neopolitan Dreams" and "Coin Laundry" - but this wafts over you like a cool breeze on a sunny day. I just wish the video was better. It's an embarrassing concept done badly and the styling is horrendous. Lisa looks like she just escaped from a Big W catalogue. 4/5
Robbie: So a bunch of hippies go into a field and have an orgy in the video, and this broad wants to do a tour where she performs at churches? May she be condemned to having Our Dark Lord Satan gnaw on her wicked lady cake for a century. 2/5
Toya: Lisa's voice is really angelic. Heavenly, even. I like how it nicely flows over that summery, tropical-influenced drum production. 3/5
Total = 16/30 

Flight Facilities Ft Grosvenor – With You (above)

Sydney duo get animated for latest clip.

Adem: This cruisy mid-tempo EDM ballad from Sydney's Flight Facilities is one of the better local releases of the year. Borrowing elements from Daft Punk and Hercules & Love Affair, Flight Facilities are on point with this twister of a French-House jam. 4/5

Bobby: The video is brilliant. The song required a second day to sort out the production. In love with the sparse electro synth feel but the vocals sound a little dodgy and the lyrics are dreadful. Shame. Needed another creative week in the studio to perfect it. Want the album though. 4/5
Jacques: At first I that this was lame, but then I started stanning as it progressed. I'm deducting points though for the fact that Dev isn't featured. 2/5
Mike: Effortlessly cool synth-pop anthem that taps into French house without sounding contrived or desperate. I just have issues with vocal - courtesy of the lead singer from Hot Chip. His voice doesn't suit the genre and the chorus falls flatter than Rihanna's chest. Almost there. 3/5
Robbie: I'm used to people throwing themselves at me because they want in my pants, so I totally relate to this song. 4/5
Toya: I don't like the vocal but this lighthearted, pop electronic goodness would make a pretty awesome instrumental. Great bassline! 3/5
Total = 20/30  
 

Gangkiz – Honey Honey (Video)

Korea's trashiest girlband unleash 7 minute debut video. That noone can understand.

Adem: Korea's Gangkiz hang out in the diner from Spiceworld: The Movie in their seven minute video for "Honey Honey", a song that wouldn't sound too out of place on an album by In-Grid or Alexia. It's very euro, and I guess the clip is very euro too because I've watched it three times now and still don't understand what exactly happened. I'm fairly sure the girls bukkake the poor man at 5 minutes 12 seconds with water guns. Is that what they're doing? 4/5
Bobby: Points for originality and oddity. Sounds somewhat like an extended dub mix of a Betty Boo cut from her much adored 2nd studio album. Goes on a bit but that's the point. I hope. 4/5
Jacques: This is the biggest trash ever. A Euro-pop club anthem that knocks off T-ara and features a lesbian-themed video that makes no sense and runs way too long. Stunning! 5/5 
Mike: I'm with Toya as far as the song is concerned. It's not very good and makes me pine for edgy K-Pop girlbands like INY. However, I'm obsessed with the video. Think the worst Asian sex worker documentary ever to grace SBS and you'll know what to expect. Having said all that, they are better than T-ara and I like the fact that it's so Euro. 3/5
Robbie: This is amazing on 37 different levels — not the least of which is that I *still* can't figure out how these dudes tuck their cocks so well. 4/5
Toya: Horrible song. With a shit name like that, how can anyone take these K-pop tarts seriously? They deserve to be blacklisted. As far as I'm concerned,  if they can't be arsed to subtitle a boring 7-minute video, why should anyone give them the time of day? 1/5 
Total = 21/30 

Clark Owen Feat. Lena Katina – Melody (Video)

That Russian chick from t.A.T.u. is back to voice a generic club anthem.

Adem: Mindless vocal trance with Lena off-of the t.A.T.u. serves as the best track on Pop Panel this round. There's nothing incredibly groundbreaking about it, although when you're giving us Amyl-Nitrate-Realness who cares if it's groundbreaking. 5/5

Bobby: Although Tina Cousins will be pissed Lena has stolen her schtick, I can't help but love this. Lena, if you continue to release music like this you might become a star worth watching. I love how she sounds like Geri Halliwell on the verses. For this reason alone this gets full marks. 5/5
Jacques: This is such a cheap flop but I love it. Lena Katina is the new Kween of the Clubs and you haters will deal! 4/5 
Mike: Who knew that Yulia was the one with all the talent? Lena has the vocal prowess of Cheryl Cole and the sex appeal of Dev but I'd dance to this bogus trance anthem after a couple of drinks (laced with G). 3.5/5
Robbie: Only sexy people should be allowed near a flip cam or a recording studio. 2/5
Toya: Lena from Tatu? Wow. It's been a while. The track? A common electronic/dance song with repetitive sounds. Nothing new or noticeable. It would benefit slightly with a bigger, spunkier chorus. At best, it's a grower. 2/5 
Total = 21.5/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK 

Kate Miller-Heidke – I’ll Change Your Mind (below)

Australian indie-pop diva gets bloody in the video for her stalker anthem.

Adem: This flawless stalker-anthem now comes complete with a bonza-bonkers video clip and Miller-Heidke looking more like a pop star than she ever has. Great song, great video, excellent lady. 4/5

Bobby: Natalie Imbruglia wants her bonus Dutch track back. 4/5
Jacques: I can relate to this more than I'd like to... 3.5/5 
Mike: Kate Miller-Heidke did the double this week. She somehow succeeded in making QANDA watchable and called Anthony Callea a fuckwit on Twitter. For those stunning achievements I would have given her full marks regardless of the song but "I'll Change Your Mind" is her best single since "Last Day On Earth". The lyrics cut close to home and she looks absolutely gorgeous in the demented video. This is what Marina wanted Electra Heart to sound like but couldn't quite pull off. 5/5
Robbie: This song strangely doesn't suck as bad as every single other one on the Pop Panel this time around. I actually like this quirky ho and her creepy co-dependent jam. She looks like Madonna circa 1992, after getting dipped in a vat full of skank sauce (so basically, Madonna, period). When she stabs herself, it makes me think of pussy. 5/5
Toya: I like this stalker anthem and that video is morbidly interesting. I hope it doesn't give any mentally unstable chicks still pining over their exes any ideas. 3/5
Total = 24.5/30 
 

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The 20 Worst Videos Of 2011

Now this was hard. 2011 was a great year for really, really bad videos. I feel like people have just given up and either recycle something that took their fancy on YouTube or go for shock tactics by stripping off. Or both if you're Kelly Rowland. To make matters worse, Australia appears to be the world leader in shitty clips. If it was hot ten years ago in America, chances are you got the local equivalent this year. Yay? Admittedly, it's not all doom and gloom. Some of these efforts are hilarious and I think the winning/losing clip is a work of comedic genius. Let me know what you make of my choices in the comments!

20. Collide - Leona Lewis (Video)

Nobody wanted to see this horse-faced cunt in a bikini.

19. Unicorn - Pattyboy (Video)

New Zealand's King of Pop/self-proclaimed male Lady Gaga has polluted YouTube with some truly shocking videos. However, he is trying harder to be less rubbish and "Unicorn" is a step in the right direction - albeit not a big enough one. The toilet-paper outfit, bad choreography and ridiculous marriage to himself earn Pattyboy a spot on this list.

18. What Do You Take Me For? - Pixie Lott Feat. Pusha T (Video)

I know that it's fashionable to hate Pixie but I think her album is stunning. Haters are clearly intimidated by her powerful pipes and flawless beauty. Or perhaps they just saw this stinker. Who decided it was a good idea to turn Miss Lott into the prissy, white Beyoncé - complete with pussy-poppin' hood video? Possibly the least convincing urban transformation of all time.

17. The Edge Of Glory - Lady Gaga (Video)

And the award for the year's most disappointing video goes to "The Edge Of Glory". This is perhaps the only song on "Born This Way" that really lends itself to a meandering, over-the-top production. Everything about Fernando Garibay's anthem is epic - from the massive chorus to the now iconic sax solo. I wanted to see Lady Gaga drive off a cliff on a pink motorcycle and then use the pearly gates as a stripper pole when she landed in heaven. Instead, we get the Germ dancing on a fire escape. That's it. Literally.

16. Super Soaker - Bombs Away (Video)

A boat full of rough bitches shake their tits for attention in this desperate bid to attract the lowest common denominator. Imagine the "Home Girls" section of Picture magazine come to life.

15. When I Think About Sex - Osvaldo Suppino (Video)

Osvaldo is to Italy, what Pattyboy is to New Zealand ie. an epically untalented homosexual, who has spent far too many hours watching Lady Gaga videos on YouTube. The result is a showcase of bad fashion - a bedazzled Lakers singlet? - and worse choreography. The lowlight is when the budding pop star has sex with himself. Gross.

14. Get Together - Marta Sanchez (Video)

I stan for Marta. The Spanish Madonna has been a desperate publicity whore since before your fave was born, so she deserves our respect. But she's not going to get it when she's dancing around the club like a mutton-dressed-as-lamb stripper in some of the least flattering outfits ever captured on film. The Catwoman mask kills me. Marta, it's not hiding those wrinkles. It just makes you look like a victim of early onset dementia.

13. Not My Daddy - Eva (Video)

Eva must have the hottest mouth in LA. That's the only explanation I can think of for her amazing ability to get a record deal in the first place - let alone a song written by Ke$ha and a remix featuring Gucci Mane. Unfortunately, the plus-sized diva didn't get quite enough cash for the video. Bad special effects combine with cheap outfits and Eva's nasty feet to make this offering memorably awful.

12. Marry The Night - Lady Gaga (Video)

The time has come for Lady Gaga to take a year off. She is starting to suffer from diminishing returns both commercially and artistically. If you need proof look no further than "Marry The Night". It flopped miserably around the world and boasts perhaps her worst video yet. This self-indulgent vanity project is almost unwatchable. I enjoy the choreography towards the end but until someone edits it down to 5 minutes, I can't be bothered sitting through it again.

11. Lay It On Me - Kelly Rowland (Video)

You know, if Ms Kelly needs to act like a prostitute to sell records - then so be it. I love "Motivation" and think she looked incredibly sexy in the video. But let's just say lightning didn't strike twice. This scene-by-scene remake of Livvi Franc's "Now I'm That Bitch" is embarrassing. Kelendria looks like a man from certain angles and the onslaught of phallic imagery turns the clip into a parody. On the bright side, it's still a hot song.

10. The Reckoning - The Getaway Plan (Video)

You know your career is running on empty when you have to murder children to get attention.

9. Hold It Against Me - Britney Spears (Video)

What an horrendous way to launch a new album! This tragic mess highlighted everything that's wrong with Britney circa 2011 - the dead look in her eyes, her seeming inability to move and a palpable desperation to remind fans of former glories. No wonder "Femme Fatale" is yet to go Copper in most territories.

8. Radioactive - Brandon Hilton (Video)

If you thought Pattyboy and Osvaldo were sent straight from the bowels of hell, wait 'til you get a look at Brandon Hilton. The aspiring web celebrity turns delusion into an artform on "Radioactive". From the Gaga-lite fashion to Brandon's unfortunate facial expressions, everything about this video is cheap and overwhelmingly nasty.

7. Raining Diamonds - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Why are Australian videos so atrocious? "Raining Diamonds" is such an anthem and deserved an epic video to showcase Ricki-Lee's sexy new figure. Instead, she looks like an admittedly thin fool in this tacky trainwreck. The Barbarella-on-a-budget costumes are as ridiculous as they are unsuited to the lyrics - which I interpret as a mantra not to settle for second best in relationships. Don't even get me started on that cheap set and the plastic guns. This clip is so bad it momentarily made me long for Ricki-Lee's underrated fat phase.

6. 25/8 - Mary J. Blige (Video)

Speaking of great songs with shit videos, here's Mary J. Blige's hot mess "25/8". I honestly don't know what the director was thinking. Did he or she even listen to the song before deciding to stick the iconic diva in a room full of broke-down dancers in a twisted bid to re-create Kelly Rowland's awful "Commander" visual?

5. We Love - Sneaky Sound System (Video)

I wonder how the pitch for this national embarrassment went: "Imagine Miss Connie on a pedestal dressed as Marilyn Monroe - only we'll make her up to look like a sweaty mess, complete with a shiny face and smudged make-up. Then we'll have a couple perform random sex acts, you know, classy shit involving anal-beads. Only when the lights come on they're doing really innocuous things like cleaning the house! Amazing, right?"

4. Inescapable - Jessica Mauboy(Video)

Poor Jessica. I really don't understand how someone so pretty in real-life always looks like the before photo on What Not To Wear in her videos. And this lazy effort is heinous even by her low standards. What's with that fucking turban? "Inescapable" is probably the best Australian pop song of 2011 but the only nice thing I can say about this clip is that's an improvement on "Get Em Girls".

3. Fly - Nicki Minaj Feat. Rihanna (Video)

Onika and Rih-cycle wander around a plane crash in couture outfits looking like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee on the set of Lost. The only this missing is Tyra Banks demanding more broken doll poses in this horrendous four minute episode of America's Next Top Model for low-rent whores.

2. All We Have - Natalie Bassingthwaighte (Video)

"All We Have" will go down in history as the Australian filmmaker's guide for what not to do in a music video. Everything about it is embarrassing. I could go on about the lame concept and bad lighting but the clip's biggest sin is making the star of the show look ridiculous. Natalie Bassingthwaigthe resembles an extra from Cocoon squeezed into a dress Lady Gaga rejected during The Fame era. It's not flattering and made worse by the fact she's surrounded by dancers young enough to be her grandchildren. American directors still make Madonna look good and she's a couple of minutes older than Nat - so why can't local talent do the same?

1. Liar Boy - Cindy and Sheila Rhyme (Below)

This was tough. I couldn't decide whether to crown "Liar Boy" the best or worst video of 2011. On the one hand, I'm here for these iconic divas and immediately downloaded their future pop classic from iTunes after seeing the clip. On the other hand, words cannot adequately describe how awful this is. Bad teeth, worse outfits, shocking dance moves and the dodgiest editing in recent memory make "Liar Boy" the most heinous (and hilarious) clip of the year.

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The 20 Shadiest Music Moments Of 2011

Is it just me or was 2011 shadier than usual? It seems like every ho with a record deal was caught doing something underhand this year. Perhaps we're just more observant and unnecessarily criticise artists for playing the game. Or maybe the music business is so cut-throat at the moment that you need sticky fingers and a Teflon conscience just to get ahead. In any case, there were no shortage of examples to choose from when I put together my list of 2011's shadiest moments. I'm sure I forgot some essential acts of thievery and bad behaviour - so feel free to remind me in the comments.

20. Kylie's pop-up book debacle

Kylie announced the $199 "Goddess Edition" of her album way back in June. It's now December and still nowhere to be seen. It can't have been easy for Dannii to cut and paste each copy herself between takes on Australia's Got Talent but this whole debacle is starting to feel shadier than a rain forest.

19. Britney's tweets

And the award for the most obviously ghost-written Twitter belongs to Britney. Who do they think they're kidding? We all know Brit is too high on Xanax and Vicodin to stand without assistance, let alone regularly update her social media platforms with tightly-scripted content. Many artists have admin staff running their Twitter - I met the guy being paid to write Taylor Swift's tweets when I was in New York - but Britney's lack of involvement is so obvious that it crosses into shady territory.

18. Lady Gaga inventing Madonna's support

Now this was awkward. At the height of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" controversy (ie. that it's a blatant "Express Yourself" rip-off), the deluded one went on the Jay Leno Show and proudly announced that Madonna sent her an email declaring her love for the song. Unfortunately, the 97-year-old pop icon's publicist denied the exchanged ever happened. How embarrassing!

17. Madonna's mad YouTube skillz

Madonna is the Queen of shade - probably because she sleeps in a crypt and only comes out at night to feed on male models. In the year's shadiest click of a button, the once popular singer rubbed more salt into Lady Gaga's wounds by uploading "Express Yourself" to her YouTube account - a move that was interpreted as a clear jab at Mother Monster.

16. Lady Gaga thanks Whitney Houston

The not-so-subtle feud between Madonna and Lady Gaga continued at the Grammys when the latter thanked Whitney Houston for inspiring "Born This Way" - despite the fact that it sounds like everything Madge recorded in the '80s thrown into a blender. Acknowledging the pop legend's biggest rival was a particularly shady touch.

15. Kelly Rowland releases a greatest hits album - with no hits

Girl, please.

14. Rihanna's bargain bundles

While Katy Perry's price-rigging on iTunes generated loud criticism across the blogosphere, Rihanna's "buy my last album, get my new single for free" deal was inexplicably given a pass. By everyone but me.

13. Beyoncé's "Countdown" choreography

King B stole ten seconds of a dance routine from a random Belgian ballet in her iconic "Countdown" video and faced the wrath of the original choreographer. While I'm usually down with Bey's stunning homages, this particular example was more specific and detailed than usual. It's a clever reference and works brilliantly in the clip but someone could have cleared it with Teresa before the ungrateful bitch went ballistic.

12. Rico Love's beat recycling

It's a common dilemma - a song blows up and everyone wants a piece of the action - but how many times can Rico Love recycle Kelly Rowland's "Motivation"? First came Melanie Fiona's awesome "4am" and now Mary J's equally good "Mr Wrong". Ryan Tedder and RedOne have been doing it for years but this shit is still super shady regardless of the original's quality.

11. Britney's body double

Anyone with eyes can tell that Britney didn't dance in "Hold It Against Me" - I'm convinced her stand-in was actually a man! - but she vehemently denied it. The same accusations were made about Brit's "Til The World Ends" video but this time she was proven to be a shady liar when photos of her body double performing choreography surfaced online. Worst yet is using a body double to make out with her real-life boyfriend in her aptly-titled "Criminal" video. That goes beyond shady into the realm of totally fucked-up.

10. Onika's age

Nicki Minaj is possibly the oldest person nominated for a Best New Artist Grammy in the Award's history. Earlier this year, her cover was blown when a police report outed her as being 28 years old. Until then the poor man's Lil Kim had listed her age as 26. Whoops.

9. Lana Del Ray's entire career

I love Lana Del Slay. She is my new obsession and I still play "Video Games" on repeat. But all this crap about making her own videos and being discovered on YouTube is hard to swallow. This has been a carefully orchestrated exercise in record label shadiness from the beginning. And you know what? It worked. So now she can stop pretending that she does everything from catering to injecting her lips with filler between takes on her self-funded, self-directed and self-styled videos. Something in the tea ain't clean!

8. Flo Rida and Leona Lewis rip off Avicii

Avicii really needs to get a copyright lawyer on retainer. First Leona Lewis steals the Swede's hit instrumental "Penguin" for her gigantic flop "Collide" and then Flo Rida pilfers "Levels" for "Good Feeling". If nothing else all this shadiness has raised the DJ's profile and made him the go-to producer for singers that can't afford David Guetta

7. Jeff Bhasker trashing "Motivation"

Everyone should be able to express their own opinion on Twitter but there was something distinctly shady about the producer behind some of the hottest cuts on Beyoncé's "4" trashing Kelly Rowland's "Motivation" - particularly when Rico Love's production was riding high at #1 on the R&B chart at the time and Bhasker's efforts were getting a lot less love.

6. Kelly Rowland's recycled videos

Sarah Chatfield proved to be the music industry's greenest director when she recycled two videos for Ms Kelly. "Lay It On Me" was a scene-by-scene remake of Livvi Franc's "Now I'm That Bitch", while "Down For Whatever" re-visited Wynter Gordon's "Believer". I'm not sure where the blame lies but this is seriously shady. It's one thing to take an idea and make it better but this was just lazy.

5. Beyoncé's BBMA performance

I have never seen anything like King B's 2011 Billboard Music Award performance. That was next level shit that made your tired fave look like a dusty typewriter in comparison to Bey's shiny, new laptop. But it doesn't change the fact that elements were taken from a previous performance by Lorella Cuccarini. As it turns out the Queen of soul, pop and probably country (if she put her mind to it), hired the Italian singer's producers to re-create the technology - so she can hardly be accused of stealingit. The shadiness results from tarnishing such an iconic moment by using an old idea - regardless of whether she improved on it (she did) or not.

4. Lady Gaga's "Judas" debacle

Mother Monster's sticky fingers worked over time this year. Not only did she blatantly steal "WannaBE" from Loli Lux - using the sexy DJ's exact beats on "Judas" - but she then stole the video concept from Brandy! The similarities to that diva's "Afrodisiac" clip - also choreographed by Laurieann Gibson, funnily enough - are uncanny.

3. Rihanna rapes David LaChappelle's artistic legacy

In a bid to spread her creative wings Rihanna decided to co-direct her "S&M" video. So the Barbadian bonehead flipped through a book of David LaChappelle's photos and basically stole his entire aesthetic. He had the last laugh when she had to cough up the big dollars to keep it out of court. You would have thought Rih-cycle would have learned from stealing M.I.A.'s "Boyz" video concept for "Rude Boy". Shady lady.

2. Katy Perry's price-rigging

I kind of love Katy Perry's creative antics (iTunes discounts, celebrity videos and completely unnecessary remixes) to rack up number one hits in America but it is shady. Can't she just be proud of landing six top 10 hits from the one album? That's an insane achievement! I'm not sure if losing all credibility to squeeze out another couple of chart-toppers is really worth it. Having said all that, I really hope "The One That Got Away" makes it to number one just to annoy everyone!

1. Lady Gaga's 99 cent album deal

The majority of these entries have been tongue-in-cheek. I don't care that Nicki Minaj is a couple of weeks away from menopause and Bey can copy as many Belgian flops as she likes. However, Mother Monster's 99 cent album deal crossed all kinds of lines. At a time when illegal downloading has all but killed the music industry, Lady Gaga gave the year's most highly-anticipated album away for free. Or near enough. If people didn't think mp3s were worthless before, they sure do now. And for what? To get a bogus first week sales record? So lame, so shady, so Gaga.

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Beyoncé Throws The Best Party EVER

From the post-apocalyptic drama of "Run The World (Girls)" to the zero-budget performance video for "Love On Top", Beyoncé has delivered a bit of everything this era. And while I definitely like some of the concepts more ("Countdown") than others ("1+1"), the videos have all suited the material and shown off Queen B's legendary versatility. It seems fitting then that she keep the best for last.

Actually, that's not quite right. "Party" isn't the best video from "4" - that would be "Countdown" or "Run The World (Girls)" - but it's my favourite. I love it when Bey lets her mask slip a bit and has a bit of fun. Like when she raided the liquor cabinet in "Why Don't You Love Me?" before dusting her 16 Grammys. Sometimes I think the most successful artist of the millennium over thinks things in the pursuit of excellence, so it's nice for her to take a step back and deliver this rambling, yet incredibly enjoyable, mess. Which she directed herself. Respect.

The concept:

Beyoncé throws a party in a trailer park and invites over a bunch of friends that include her superstar sister Solange, former Destiny's Child bandmate Kelly Rowland and rapper J.Cole.

Why it works:

1. The clip suits the lyrics perfectly. This is a party I would love to attend... if only to see Bey mow the lawn stilettos and little else.

2. It is a high-camp extravaganza. This is what I imagine a street party thrown by the cast of RuPaul's Drag Race would look like. Hair rollers and short shorts as far as the eye can see.

3. Kelly Rowland's presence adds some serious star power to the proceedings!

4. The sight of Beyoncé doing her make-up on the toilet. Millie Jackson approves.

5. Ghetto fabulous fashion that will make your head spin.

6. Excerpts from the diva's "Year Of 4" documentary add to the clip's homespun charm. It's completely unnecessary but cracks me up.

7. The trashy Cassie look-a-like.

The negatives:

Michelle Williams' invitation was obviously lost in the mail. Rude.

The verdict:

Move aside, BB Homemaker. Trailer park Betty is the new Queen of my heart.

10/10

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Kelly Rowland Recycles Another Video

Seriously, Ms Kelly. What the fuck? I have worshipped your flawless music since the birth of Destiny's Child. My loyalty has never wavered - not even when you looked like a man with that short hair in the late 90s. But two recycled videos in as many weeks is beyond lazy. A couple of days ago, I wrote a post about the overwhelming similarities between "Lay It On Me" and Livvi Franc's "Now I'm That Bitch". The Rowl Dogs barked that Kelendria wasn't to blame. That Sarah Chatfield directed both videos and duped the hapless R&B legend. So what's their excuse this time?

A visual for "Down For Whatever" (is this officially the third single?) surfaced online yesterday and it's basically a frame by frame remake of Wynter Gordon's "Believer". Is Kelly the victim of poor judgement and bad advice or just one shady bitch? Again, I'm sure this is not intentional. Some of Michelle's Christian values must have rubbed off on her but Bey's BFF needs a better team around her now that she's the most famous DC diva. Watch "Down For Whatever" and "Believer" (below) to make up your own mind.

VS

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A Double Standard Beyoncé And Kelly?

Beyoncé has copped a hiding in the media this week for using ten seconds of choreography from the Belgian ballet 'Rosas danst Rosas' in her amazing 'Countdown' video.

Meanwhile, it turns out that Kelly Rowland's 'Lay It On Me' video is an exact replica of Livvi Franc's 'Now I'm That Bitch' - albeit with more obvious cock references - but that revelation has been greeted with overwhelming silence.

Why the double standard?

It's obvious that picking on Bey has become something of a hobby for certain blogs because she generates traffic for them but play fair.

The great irony is that 'Countdown' clearly pays homage to women in musicals from different eras - be it Audrey Hepburn in Funny Face, Debbie Allen in Fame or that nobody in the obscure ballet that three people had seen until last week.

Kelly, on the other hand, just recycled the work of one of her contemporaries - down to the latex strips and adults-only human pyramid.

And it's not like Livvi Franc is an old or obscure artist.

"Now I'm That Bitch" was a number one club hit in the US two years ago and the stunning diva even conversed with me to promote that epic club-banger in one of my favourite interviews!

Now tell me, who showed imagination and creativity and who is the sticky-fingered thief?

The difference according to some commentators is the fact that the same woman directed 'Now I'm That Bitch' and 'Lay It On Me'.

But by that reasoning shouldn't the blame for 'Countdown' be placed squarely on Adria Petty's shoulders? It's not like Beyoncé directed it herself.

Instead, she had the decency to admit that the ballet was a reference and went about her business.

What does Ms Kelly have to say for herself? Nothing.

The thing is I don't blame her either. I'm sure she didn't want to release an exact copy of a rival's video. But this shit happens because everything has been done before.

It just seems that some people are put to a higher standard due to their record-breaking career and legacy as the millennium's greatest talent.

Watch 'Now I'm That Bitch' and 'Lay It On Me' to see true recycling in action.

VS

Pictures via Necole Bitchie.

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Ms Kelly's Soft Porn Opus

Now that Beyoncé is up the duff and living in semi-seclusion to avoid pressed haters, the baton has been passed to Ms Kelly to keep R&B alive until her return. And the soul legend isn't letting a moment go to waste. She established herself as Aretha Franklin for 2011 on the hyper-sexual "Motivation" and continues slay sad pretenders like Rihanna on "Lay It On Me". The seventh second single from "Here I Am" is an all-conquering club-banger that should appeal to fans put off by the slow groove of her last hit. It's not as ground-breaking as anything on "4" (or Michelle's "Love Gun" for that matter) but Kelendria has dished up another hit.

Slick production, Big Sean and a chorus more infectious than the STD she caught filming the video make "Lay It On Me" a radio-ready smash. And let's face it, those softcore antics can't hurt. Bey's BFF makes a fool of herself grinding on a bunch of half-naked men (think Kylie's "All The Lovers" as produced by Titan Media) and cavorting with an elephant but it's so over-the-top, it kind of works. I particularly like the incredibly unsubtle phallic imagery that runs through the clip. Let's just say no mother is going to buy their child a slinky ever again after seeing this hot mess. Ms Kelly, you've done it again!

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Another Flawless Destiny's Child Fashion Moment

Could your faves?

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Ms Kelly's Fisting Anthem

Reviewing Kelly Rowland's latest album has been on my 'to do' list since returning from LA. The problem is I still can't decide if it's a lazy collection of soulless club-bangers and babymakin' slow jams or a tight R&B offering that I subconsciously begrudge for overlooking killer tunes like "Rose Colored Glasses" and "Forever And A Day". I'm sure the truth lies somewhere in between and I'll keep listening to "Here I Am" on repeat until I get some clarity but there's one song that demands immediate attention - Kelendria's amazing fisting anthem "I'm Dat Chick". We all know Kelly likes to get her freak on but this is some next level shit!

Tenitra is praying for Ms Kelly's soul

"I be the one that they love to mention," announces Bey's BFF at the beginning of Tricky Stewart's catchy club-banger. No wonder. "Work your fist, I'm dat chick" demands the DC diva repeatedly in filthy chorus. I thought all that talk about dripping over Lil Wayne in "Motivation" was an exaggeration but now I'm convinced that when Ms Kelly rains, it really pours. Because she has no control of her pelvic floor. Regardless of the health and safety implications of the 30-year-old's favourite hobby, this is a hot song and one of the standouts on "Here I Am". An aspiring director has even taken it upon himself to pitch a video. Unfortunately it doesn't involve Kelly in stirrups surrounded by dancers dressed in head-to-toe Latex but the idea is cute enough. And this really needs to be a single. There's only so many times fetish clubs can play NIN's "Closer"!

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Beyoncé's Mystery Third Single

As much as I worship at the alter of "4", there's no denying that the album's promo campaign is the year's hottest mess. "Run The World (Girls)" sat on iTunes for a month with no video or promotion before being thrown away like a used condom after Bey's iconic BBMA performance/ground-breaking Oprah appearance. She then rushed out "Irreplaceable 2011" within weeks - but not before performing "1+1" on American Idol and "End Of Time" at the BET Awards. "Best Thing" didn't exactly set the charts on fire but it was a top 3 hit in the UK and climbed into the US top 20. However, instead of performing it at the VMAs, Queen B announced her pregnancy by belting out "Love On Top" despite naming "Party" as a possible single and releasing a random video for "1+1". Is anyone else confused?

I kind of love that Beyoncé is promoting the album as a whole instead of focusing on individual singles but this is getting ridiculous. "Love On Top" exploded on US iTunes after baby-gate but has steadily fallen with no promotion or video. Meanwhile "Best Thing" has got a second lease of life on urban radio - it's currently sitting at #2 - and "Party" is finally starting to gain some traction. That jam debuted on the urban airplay chart this week at #37. In Australia it's just as confusing. "1+1" is on high rotation on Channel V, Max and MTV but "Love On Top" is rocketing up iTunes after the diva's surprise appearance on X Factor. For the record, I think "Love On Top" or "End Of Time" are good choices for single number three but I'd be happy with anything. I'd just like to know!

On the bright side, Bey can take some comfort in the fact that she hasn't been reduced to opening for Chris Brown like Ms Kelly. Her former Destiny's Child bandmate looked at bit worse for wear in Toronto - maybe she finally saw the sales figures of "Here I Am" - but I'm glad she's still out there working it. As Khia would say - get money, bitch! And damn, if she doesn't have four of the hottest male dancers in the business. Fast forward to the one minute mark for the year's best sausage fest. Someone is going to lose an eye!

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