La Toya's Exquisite Duet With Minako Honda

It's been far too long since my last Toy post but the duchess of dance is always on my mind. Like an aggressive brain tumor. 2013 is going to be a huge year for the thinking man's Jackson with a new reality show on the way and perhaps even new music. No, I haven't heard anything but I'm keeping the faith. It's only a matter of time before the legendary beauty hammers the final nail into Janet's career by reinventing dance-pop. I just hope I have at least one of my original hips when her smash drops! Until then we'll have to make do with her canon of classics.

As a long-time La Toya scholar, I thought I'd seen it all. So imagine my delight when the Church uncovered a hidden gem! In a typically insane career turn, Toy somehow ended up in Japan singing a cover of "Funky Town" with Minako Honda. I googled her duet partner and she's described as "the recently deceased Japanese Madonna". Shame! If this song and Minako's outfit - an aluminum foil dress and cheap $2 wig - are any indication of her style, the world lost a towering talent.

Everything about "Funky Town" is utter perfection. La Toya is the picture of loveliness and she actually looks like she's having a great time. The clip (below) was filmed in 1987, so I guess Janet's prettier sister hadn't been turned into a sad zombie by Jack Gordon yet. Watch in awe as Toy Toy proves why she was, is and will always be the most relevant Jackson. This is everything.

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Michael Jackson's Bad - 25th Anniversary Review

Michael Jackson's Bad turned 25 on Friday. While the album will always stand in the shadow of the pop icon's all-conquering Thriller, its achievements are staggering:

- An estimated 45 million copies sold (the 5th highest ever)
- 5 US number one singles
- 10 singles (7 in the US, two worldwide and one promotional)
- 9 music videos
- The highest grossing concert tour ever  

Idolator asked me to revisit the album in celebration of its 25th anniversary and it was like reconnecting with an old friend. Check out my review. I think it's one of the best I've written. And while you're at it, watch "Leave Me Alone" (below). The song and video have stood the test of time and illustrate the genius Michael was capable of at his peak.

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Oprah Begs La Toya To Save Her TV Empire

Whatcha gonna do when your network is struggling in the ratings? If you're Oprah Winfrey, the answer is easy - call La Toya Jackson. The media heavyweight recently removed her mouth from Gayle's crotch long enough to greenlight Life With La Toya, a reality show that documents the crumbling Jackson empire (for example, Katherine's recent disappearance and Janet's shocking abuse of Michael's daughter Paris) as well as shedding light on Toy Toy's famous friends and iconic entertainment career. It goes without saying that this is the TV event of the new millennium.

If you need further proof, relive the flawless diva's unforgettable 1991 appearance on The Phil Donahue Show (which was kind of like the '80s/'90s equivalent of Jerry Springer). I die inside when that nasty woman asks if La Toya can really sing - and I'm not even going to comment on the dragon that tells Queen Toy to get a life - but I love how the music veteran nonchalantly discloses that her marriage is a sham and admits she doesn't know her husband's age. That's some vintage shade, right there! Make no mistake, you're gonna get rocked by Life With La Toya! Read all about it here.

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A First-Hand Account Of La Toya's Erotic Club Tour

The absolute nadir of La Toya's otherwise epic and era-defining career has to be 1995's erotic club tour. While many of Ms Jackson's mid-90s mishaps have innate camp appeal, I don't find anything amusing about this sorry debacle. Toy's abusive ex-husband basically forced her to perform in strip clubs across America to capitalise on her post-Playboy status as the sexiest woman alive. And judging from the footage that has since surfaced, it was every bit as pitiful as it sounds. Michael's favourite sister appears completely disorientated in the long out-of-print VHS and the crowd's reaction was not exactly understanding of her obvious discomfort and terror.

I've always wanted to learn more about the fan reaction to La Toya's erotic club tour but I've never been able to find a first-hand account. That changed a couple of weeks ago when was contacted by a fellow Jackson nut, who attended the show in Ohio. Ric Hunter kindly shared his recollections with me and even attached a happy snap he took with the superstar. It's compelling stuff. First, there's the setlist. Of course Jack Gordon forced her to sing one of Michael's classics but what was with all the ballads? I love "Somewhere" but I can't think of a less appropriate song to sing in a strip club. Then there's the heartbreaking part about Toy asking the crowd of blue collar workers if they were "feeling romantic". Because that's why you rock up to the Gentleman's Club with a roll of $1 bills in your pocket - to find romance! Poor thing.

Thanks again to Ric for sharing his memories of the event and for allowing me to post it. The next time you feel like poking fun at Toy Toy, remember that she's been to hell and back. A weaker spirit would have given up but La Toya persevered and is now coming into her own. At the age of 56 she's more popular and relevant than ever. Her ability to start over is an inspiration to us all.

Erotic Club Tour Review

My partner Joe and I have been Janet Jackson fans since day one of her recording career. We were even able to meet Janet twice, while she was still married to Rene Elizondo. So in 1995, when La Toya Jackson-Gordon came to our town of Columbus, Ohio for a brief "cabaret" tour, seeing the show seemed to be a logical thing to do. Of course, who knew that we would have to go to an exotic dance club to see her? At the time I was in my late 20s and had never been to a Gentleman’s Club before. Since I wasn’t "into girls", I had no desire to go to such a place. They usually weren’t in the best areas of town either — if you can imagine.

Anyway, the Excalibur Club was clean enough on the inside, but still very seedy. Joe and I paid the $30 cover charge and stuck out like two sore thumbs amongst the factory worker crowd. La Toya was late going on, probably because the club wanted the crowd to drink-up and buy $5.00 table dances while they waited. La Toya took the stage and performed 5 songs with 2 back-up dancers. One dancer was a male (he was traveling with her) and the other was a local female. If memory serves, La Toya’s brief set consisted of: “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’”, “Shake Your Body (Down To the Ground)”, “You Can Count on Me”, “Playboy” and “Somewhere”.

Before singing “Somewhere”, La Toya asked the audience if they were feeling romantic. Keep in mind this place was full of big, burly guys who came to see partially-clad women dance for money — romance was probably far from their minds. The short show was ok, but then Joe and I didn’t expect much either. We knew that La Toya was more of a performer and personality than a singer. Still it was a thrill to see her up-close. However, the real show happened after the stage performance. After her brief set, one could pay an additional $25 to meet La Toya and get a photo taken with her.

Joe and I waited in a pitifully short line for our turn to meet La Toya at her meet and greet. By now La Toya had changed from her show costume (sequins, boots and glittery headband) to a big fluffy bathrobe. She seemed small and scared and in a medicated-like stupor. I suddenly felt terribly guilty — like somehow I was this ogre who made La Toya resort to this cheap show. You could see it in La Toya’s face that she seemed to regret the club tour. She quietly posed for photos with us and she signed a couple of our CDs. It was very humbling to see her so frail and frightened. My heart actually ached for her.

Before leaving the club Joe and I got a glimpse of Jack Gordon. I knew he had a bad reputation, but I decided that I would try to talk to him anyway. When would we ever have an opportunity to meet him again? When I approached Jack, he acted like I was serving him with court papers. I said, “Hi, aren’t you Jack Gordon?” and his reply to me was “Yeah, who wants to know?” He looked as slimy close-up as you can imagine. I think given the chance he would have killed me if there were no witnesses around.

La Toya’s club show played for a couple nights at Columbus’ Excalibur Club. According to our local news, on the last night, La Toya supposedly became fed-up, scolded some hecklers in the audience, and departed the stage early. I think folks kept yelling for her to strip. What’s even sadder is that La Toya and Jack had to hitch a ride to their hotel with one of the club patrons. After the Gordons abruptly canceled the show, the owner of the Excalibur Club canceled their limo service.

Despite the scandalous end to La Toya’s show, it was a great memory. In the end, La Toya appeared to be very kind and grateful for the support of the fans that came to the show. My autographed Polaroid is still one of my favorite mementos.

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Happy Birthday, Toy Toy!

56 years ago a beautiful angel called La Toya Yvonne Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana. It didn't take long for her earthly mission to become apparent. Toy Toy was sent from above to spread a message of peace, love and big backdoor-rubbing through a collection of uplifting songs that simultaneously soothe the soul and inspire random chest-to-chests. With so many classic anthems under her belt, it's hard to single out just one for her birthday celebration but, after much deliberation, I've settled on her iconic 1988 US 12" single "Such A Wicked Love".

The Full Force-produced urban-pop jam is an absolute triumph. La Toya delivers one of her finest vocals and shows her edgy hood credentials with a stunning rap. It's an extraordinarily catchy piece of fluff that should have gone straight to number one. And probably would have for anyone else. Instead, it was destined to become a cult classic. That status was helped by an unforgettable performance on a Bob Hope special in 1989.

According to legend (and Wikipedia), Toy Toy's electric performance was censored for prime-time viewing. It seems her sensual dance moves were too much for American viewers. I can understand why they were overwhelmed. The thinking man's Jackson delights with choreography that would paralyse Beyoncé and, bizarrely, spends an inordinate amount of time handing out hats to unimpressed spectators. You know your fave could never - so take a seat, shut up and bask in the magic of a master entertainer.

Here's to the next 56 years, Toy! x

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La Toya Reveals The Secret Of Beauty

When the going gets tough, I always ask myself - What would La Toya do? Admittedly, the strategy hasn't got me very far in life but the empress of pop, dance, disco, R&B and country never fails to brighten my spirits with her poise, grace and insightful words of wisdom. Need further proof that Toy Toy is the deluded thinking man's Deepak Chopra? Check out the vocal giant's stunning exposition on the importance of beauty (below). This iconic clip is everything and more. I don't even know where to start - every second is a revelation! But here are some points:

1. How brilliantly scripted was Counterstrike? The dialogue is incredible.
2. Has a woman ever looked more lovely? La Toya is the epitome of elegance and class.
3. Toy's computer is bigger than my car!
4. These words turned out to be eerily prophetic for the Jackson clan.
5. Madonna's cameo at 1:35 minutes is the best thing she's ever done.

Watch. Worship. Wallow in her magnificence.

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La Toya - The Making Of A Superstar

YouTube is a beautiful thing. Last week a generous member called CoEvi uploaded one of the best videos I've seen in a very long time. La Toya Jackson - The Making Of A Superstar was a two-part special that aired on Entertainment Tonight in 1984. Filmed to promote the impending release of Heart Don't Lie, the footage offers an intriguing glimpse into the world of my favourite Jackson before severe mismanagement and the husband-from-hell derailed her career and turned her into a laughing-stock. In that regard, it's like a documentary about the Titanic. Filmed the day before it sank.

The first thing you notice is how genuinely adorable La Toya is. The reporter asks her about growing up in the Jackson shadow and she replies that she simply doesn't know anything else. She comes across as grounded, smart and realistic - a far cry from the woman who would make a spectacle of herself on talk-shows around the world just a couple of years later. It's heartbreaking that Jack Gordon could break her spirit to the extent that she literally transformed into a different human-being. She deserves so much credit for escaping his clutches and re-establishing herself as the most successful living Jackson in the early noughties.

Another highlight is seeing how seriously CBS took Heart Don't Lie. The president of the company is seen advising Toy on her videos ("less street") and the conversation with Private I Records executives about pursuing a more European sound is fascinating. Ever the businesswoman, La Toya reminds them not to forget the Orient! My favourite part is the demented fangirl losing her shit at the 6:15 minute mark and the Pope of Pop declaring that she intends to follow Barbra Streisand and Diana Ross into films. Things didn't really work out the way the then 28-year-old might have hoped but she survived and is now more popular than ever. How many divas can say they are finally reaching their peak in their mid-50s? La Toya Jackson is the Benjamin Buttons of pop culture.

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La Toya Is The New Meryl Streep

Those boring actresses from flop shows like Mad Men and Boardwalk Empire must be so pressed right now because 90210 already has the Best Actress in a Drama Series trophy in the bag at next year's Emmy Awards. Last night La Toya rocked the acting profession to its very foundations with her breathtaking return to television. We all know that Toy can act. Her turn as a youth-obsessed voodoo priestess in Counterstrike - watch her scenes here - is probably part of the NIDA curriculum alongside Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice and Jessica Lange in Frances. However, several decades have passed since Janet's prettier sister last conquered television and some lame haters wondered if she had lost that Midas touch. It goes without saying that they couldn't have been more wrong.

As you can see from these two defining moments in television history, La Toya's acting ability has actually improved. She delves into her role as a hard-hitting music mogul with all the passion of a young Laurence Olivier. In the first scene (above), she gives sublime side-eye to the young musician and exquisitely shades his friend. It's breathtaking stuff but she keeps the best for last. I was glued to the screen when Toy stole the entire series by offering the guy a record deal before threatening to take it away again unless he betrayed his friend. I had goosebumps and all that trademark finger-pointing gave me life. I imagine this is what a normal day at Ja-Tail Records looks like, so you know it's a highly accurate depiction of the music industry. Now when is someone going offer Toy a movie role? She is everything and more.

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La Toya's Award Winning Live Triumph

Accolade after dazzling accolade has been bestowed upon La Toya in her glittering career. From having her footprints immortalised in Rotterdam's star-studded Walk Of Fame to winning a Grammy for her integral contribution to "We Are The World", the exquisite 55-year-old beauty has done it and won it all. But one award shines a little brighter than the others. Of course I'm talking about Toy Toy's triumphant appearance at Japan's World Popular Song Festival in 1985 where "Baby Sister" snatched the trophy for Outstanding Song.

As it turns out that award is something of a consolation prize - it actually came 4th overall - but it's beside the point. The Pope of Pop won something and that's all that matters! I've been looking for footage of Toy's moment in the sun for years with no luck but it finally popped up on YouTube. Brace yourself for bravura tour de force that will blow your mind. Forget about her less charismatic siblings or that has-been Madonna. This is the best live performance of the '80s hands down. Watch in awe as La Toya pulls off mind-blowing choreography and holds notes that may or may not endanger your pet.

Oh and keep your eyes peeled for Janet, who sings back up for her prettier sister. This is pure pop dynamite!

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La Toya Conquers Mexico

Forget Beyoncé at the Billboard Music Awards. Ignore Adele at the Brits. The most accomplished live(-ish) performance of 2011 belongs to La Toya Jackson! Janet's prettier sister brought Mexico to a standstill last night when she graced the finale of La Academia - think X Factor on acid - with her legendary presence and raised the bar for popular music to previously unimagined heights by delivering a flawless mimed rendition of her 2004 top 20 US club smash "Just Wanna Dance".

I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to see empress Toy mouth the lyrics "shaking my ass with lots of class". And it was definitely worth the wait. Living up to her title as the world's sexiest woman, the ageless beauty drew gasps of adoration from the crowd when she appeared on stage with her gaggle of semi-competent dancers. The next four minutes flew by in a blaze of finger clicks, hip-shaking and exquisite miming that basically ended Britney' career then and there.

Make sure you stay tuned for the amazing post-performance interview in which La Toya claims to be the creative force behind Michael's "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough". I think we can all agree that Mexico got well and truly rocked!

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La Toya Answers Our Prayers

Since becoming the most relevant and successful Jackson, La Toya has been on a roll. Her tireless work on the talk-show circuit single-handedly brought Michael's murderer to justice, she charmed Cardiff with one of the greatest mimed live performances of all time and now delivers us the holy grail of her discography on CD. Yes, Toy Soldiers - I'm talking about "Imagination"! The iconic diva's fourth studio album was only released on vinyl. And unlike her mega-selling #149 smash "Heart Don't Lie", it sank without a trace and is next to impossible to find. How exciting then that the re-release even comes with bonus tracks!

Tracklist:

1. He's A Pretender
2. On A Night Like This
3. How Do I Tell Them
4. Imagination
5. Baby Sister
6. Imagination
7. Love Talk
8. Boys Got Somethin' Girls Ain't Got

Bonus Tracks

9. Imagination - Hot Dance Mix
10. Imagination - Dub Mix
11. Baby Sister - Instrumental Version
12. Imagination - 7" Remix

I adore every song on "Imagination". Toy Toy's version of "He's A Pretender" is '80s pop perfection, while the calypso-tinged "On A Night Like This" brings visions of sunny island paradise and "Boys Got Something Girls Ain't Got" more than lives up to its amazing title. However, the album is best know for La Toya's stunning Janet diss "Baby Sister". The critically acclaimed anthem - it won the Outstanding Song Award at the 16th Annual World Popular Song Festival in Japan! - is toygasmic from beginning to end. Listen to it below and order your copy of the re-release today. I just hope we don't crash the label's server with all our orders.

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Janet Jackson - Up Close & Personal In Sydney

Contrary to popular belief, I like Janet. A lot. Of course, my loyalties lie with the thinking man's Jackson (ie. La Toya) but for most of the '90s her less attractive sister ranked as one of my favourite divas - right alongside Kylie, Whitney and Mariah. That admiration began to fade with the release of "All For You" and was pretty much gone by 2004's horrendous "Damita Jo" but time has not wearied the brilliance of albums like "Rhythm Nation 1814" and "Janet". The reason why I'm mentioning this is to communicate the fact that I'm not a rabid hater who went along to a very expensive concert just to trash it. I was looking forward to seeing Jan strut her stuff and enjoyed the show immensely. But there's no denying it was a sub-standard affair that painfully demonstrated just how awkwardly the '90s hitmaker fits into a Lady Gaga run world.

Let me explain. I felt much the same about seeing Whitney Houston in concert last year. While Nippy was a hot mess for very different reasons, they both struck me as legendary relics struggling to find their place in the new world order. That's not to say their fans didn't lap up each and every second or that newcomers can't appreciate their contribution to popular culture but, to be blunt, they just don't cut it anymore. I've seen better shows at RSL clubs than the spectacle (or lack thereof) that Janet put on last night. Before the Janatics bring out their voodoo dolls, I know the show is intended to be "up close and personal" - AKA "cheap and scaled back". And that would have been fine for a powerhouse vocalist but seeing a once legendary entertainer out of shape, failing to pull off simple dance moves and wearing the one outfit for the entire show was just depressing. By the end of the night she even had a triangular patch of vagina sweat on her jeans. Not pretty!

Even if you dismiss Number Ones as a lame, half-arsed tour she brought to Australia to pass the time until launching an all-conquering comeback, I still don't know how she'll fare. Lady Gaga and Beyoncé have upped the live ante by singing (well) and dancing like banshees. Rihanna and Katy Perry hide their vocal shortcomings with pyrotechnics and pomp. But miming along to a backing track, while dancing badly just won't cut it anymore unless you're Britney Spears. Janet is the Commodore 64 of pop but like that outdated and now obsolete computer, she is not without charm and managed to deliver a fun and entertaining show - largely on the strength of her killer back catalogue and general sweetness.

After playing "Runaway" on a big screen as a tribute to Sydney, Janet was greeted by a standing ovation from frenzied fans. She looked a bit dowdy in ill-fitting jeans and a white jacket but her face hasn't changed a bit since her hey day and she did a good job performing "The Pleasure Principle" - even though a large portion of the crowd obviously didn't know the words. The stage was completely bare apart from the band and dancers, which looked odd in a venue like the Opera House. I was hoping for some props or even a smoke machine to make it seem less bleak. They never came. But when you're hearing a childhood hero belt out "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" you soon forget about staging. I was almost as happy to hear "Feedback" live. It was sloppy and the first indication that the choreography wasn't quite up to scratch but I'm glad she didn't ignore "Discipline", which I actually think is quite an underrated album. The hits followed with anthems like "Miss You Much" and "Nasty", before Jan made a hasty exit.

During the first mini-break, the diva treated us to highlights from her acting career including a disturbing clip of her being abused on Good Times and the infamous punanie scene from Poetic Justice. It was odd and quite disconcerting. She returned to the stage, in the same sweat-stained clothes and knocked out a bunch of ballads including the still gorgeous "Again". She might have even sang a few notes over the backing tape on that one. Another break followed, accompanied by the tackiest screen projection I have ever seen at a concert. I'm convinced Janet made it herself using Windows Movie Maker. She returned after what felt like an eternity to sing "Escapade" - one of my all-time faves - followed by what is probably my favourite Miss Jackson tune, "Love Will Never Do (Without You)". It was a potent reminder of how impeccable her early material was. Less impressive was her lazy rendition of "When I Think Of You" but "Runaway" got a great reception as did "That's The Way Love Goes" - Janet's only Australian number one hit.

Seeing the diva perform "If" was a highlight for me (love it) but her version of "Scream" got a better reception from the audience. It was eerie seeing Michael on the big screen and Jan seemed to put in more effort for her murdered brother. La Toya would have been proud! She closed the show with "Rhythm Nation" but returned shortly thereafter to mime another of my favourites, "Together Again", while the screen showed old photos of Michael and Janet. The still amazing "All For You" then ended the pop icon's first Sydney show in almost 13 years. I'm sure Jan would have scoffed if you told her in 1998 that her next Australian tour would have involved one costume and a handful of tiny venues but I really enjoyed myself and her fans seemed happy. And while I left with the impression that she can't quite cut it anymore, I'm hoping she'll prove me wrong. Excuse me now while I go and listen to "Janet" for the third time today.

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La Toya Claims The Jackson Throne

The weight of the Jackson legacy now rests squarely on La Toya's slender shoulders. While Janet continues to visit third world nations in search of fans old enough to remember her last hit, Joseph's favourite daughter proudly represented the clan at Sunday night's Michael Jackson tribute concert in Wales - bringing some much-needed credibility to an event otherwise lumped with has-beens like Craig David and Alexandra Burke. I knew the 55-year-old triple threat would step up to the plate and show the world that talent and beauty can co-exist but nothing could have prepared me for what transpired.

After a lifetime of living in the shadows of her slightly more successful brother and sister, La Toya finally stepped into the light and proved that it shoulda been her. The Dutch hitmaker's covers of "In The Closet" and "Jam" were so powerful and moving that no official footage has leaked. Obviously they are keeping all the good stuff for the DVD but a couple of devoted fans managed to film a couple of minutes of Toy's triumphant moment. Watch in awe as the new face of the Jackson dynasty radically improves two of her much-loved brother's worst songs with a little help from fellow R&B legend Heavy D. At this point, I think it's fair to say that Janet could never.

In The Closet

Jam

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La Toya's New Girlband!

Mentoring upcoming performers is the hottest trend in pop music. It's easy to forget that Lady Gaga first came to fame as Akon's protege, while Justin Bieber benefited greatly from Usher's tutelage. If Mother Monster and Biebus can thrive after being linked with those hacks, imagine how far T-Rio will go under La Toya Jackson's wing. Yes, pop fans - Toy Toy is now a true music mogul! From what I can tell Thayana, Thaisa and Thaina are a mildly successful Brazilian girlband comprised of three stunning sisters. According to their bio, they are massive in Asia but they only seem to have had one hit (below). Since then they moved to America and hooked up with Taj Jackson. He appears to have introduced the lovely ladies to his superstar aunt and now the band is somehow involved with Ja-Tail. They have a zombie series in the works and an animated show but given the company's track record, I highly doubt either will see the light of day. Nevertheless, being associated with a recording legend like La Toya can only open doors. I predict a #17 club smash somewhere down the track - complete with a cameo from Toy in the video. You know, to help sales.

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