The 20 Best Videos Of 2012

Lana Del Rey single-handedly kept music videos relevant in 2012. While the rest of the game was slashing costs like Demi Lovato cuts her wrists after a tough day, the Queen of sadcore brought her A game every single time. Sure, there were a couple of misses (hello, "Summertime Sadness"!) but even Lana's worst moment displayed more style and effort than most of her competitors on their best day. Apart from that pop deity, a couple of other acts delivered great visuals this year but the pickings were generally quite slim.

Here are my 20 favourite videos of 2012:

20. Even When I Lose I'm Winning - Ilia Darlin (Video)

When is this Greek diva finally going to happen? Her quirky brand of electro-pop reminds me of Lady Gaga before she completely lost the plot and her visuals are just as twisted. Take this episode of American Horror Story set to music. A leather clad molester drugs and fondles a scantily clad Ilia before they do some kind of weird interpretative dance. Just another day really.

19. Spring Of Life - Perfume (Video)

Asia's best girlband always deliver top notch music videos and "Spring Of Life" is no exception. Brilliant styling and cinematography - as well as the mad scientist concept - make this an absolute winner.

18. Born To Die - Lana Del Rey (Video)

The image of Lana sitting on that throne, surrounded by tigers - looking every inch a holy figure with a crown of roses - is already iconic. As is the doomed love story that provides the video's narrative. Things never turn out well for this bitch and "Born To Die" proves that Lana does misery better than anyone.

17. Got Me Good - Ciara (Video)

I'm so glad this guy finally pulled it together and delivered an excellent video. He looks great and the choreography is amazing. Why isn't "Got Me Good" a hit?

16. Houdini - Foster The People (Video) 

Weekend At Bernies - The Musical. As sick and twisted and inventive and original as it sounds. I love it.

15. Gangnam Style - PSY (video)

I struggle with "Gangnam Style". It's such a mediocre song - the cheesy K-Pop equivalent of LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem" - but there's no denying its impact on pop culture, which is largely due to the hilarious video and fun choreography. So kudos for that.

14. I'll Change Your Mind - Kate Miller Heidke (Video)

This is one of those great pop songs that just fell through the cracks. It's a shame because it's heartbreakingly perfect and the demented video achieves everything that Marina has been trying and failing to capture with her Elektra Heart visuals. A future cult classic. I hope.

13. Part Of Me - Katy Perry (Video)

You know I want to hate Katy Perry. It would be my pleasure to drag her for a change but I can't find a single flaw with the entire Teenage Dream era and trust me, I've looked. Hard. The video for "Part Of Me" is basically a modern update of Private Benjamin. It struck me as an odd fit for the lyrics but it actually taps into Katy's nice-girl-gone-slightly-crazy image perfectly. Watch this for a master class on how to make a pop star relatable to the masses.

12. Dance For You - Beyoncé (Video)

I was so disappointed with Bey's sexy film noir opus when I saw it for the first time. I just thought she could have done so much more the classiest sex jam of all time. But the clip eventually won me over with the saucy choreography, expert wind machine action and the best blond wig of all time. Bring on the new era B!

11. Love This - Cosmo Jarvis (Video)

Cosmo's penis steals the show in this adorable DIY video. The indie-pop star basically just walks down a street in a red Lycra bodysuit with his junk wobbling from side to side. It's like the 100m sprint at the Olympics only with a hot guy and a better soundtrack. Mesmerising!

10. Die Young - Ke$ha (Video)

The Queen of pop, dance and R&B unveiled a new Satanic image for the "Die Young" visual and then spent much of December backpedaling after morons took aim at the song after the Newton massacre. Whatever. I love this clip and think K$ looks like pure sex writhing around on that bed. She also throws one of the few parties I'd actually like to attend.  

9. Flower - Kylie (Video)

Kylie lies around looking flawless in this beautifully-filmed black & white gem. Sometimes all you need is a gorgeous woman and a camera.

8. Candy - Kyary Pamyu Pamyu (Video)

I love this crazy Japanese bitch and her terrifying real doll-inspired videos. Imagine the director of The Ring filming a pop video after smoking peyote and you have some idea of what to expect from the new Madonna. Just don't watch this alone because it will fuck with your mind.

7. National Anthem - Lana Del Rey (Video)

The big-lipped beauty channels Jackie O in this twisted reimagining of JFK's assassination - with A$AP Rocky playing the president no less. It's brave, bold and expertly put together by one of the best music video directors in the business. Flawless.

6. Your Body - Christina Aguilera (Video)

Pure pop videos don't come much better than "Your Body", which finds Xtina fucking her way across the US - killing men with her lethal curves. I love the bright colour palette and use of paint as blood. It's all very over-the-top and trannytastic, which makes it a perfect fit for the biggest diva (literally) in the game!

5. I Think You Might Like It - Olivia Newton-John & John Travolta (Video)

This cheap and cheerful trainwreck has provided me with more laughs than any other clip this year and deserves to be screened at The Louvre as a work of modern art. 

4. Oblivion - Grimes (Video)

Occasionally a video can win you over in ways that a song never could. Until I saw "Oblivion", I thought Grimes was one of those obnoxious, too-cool-for-school divas that get praised by Pitchfork and then disappear into the abyss. But this cute clip shows the Canadian diva in a new light. She basically makes an idiot of herself giving impromptu performances of her song at sporting event and eventually crashes a party and dances with a bunch of shirtless guys. Fun, fresh and cool without trying. 

3. Bad Girls - M.I.A (Video) 

How can you go from the career-ending humiliation of being one of Madonna's cheerleaders in the god awful "Give Me All Your Luvin'" to dropping this iconic visual? The car surfing scene is the coolest thing I saw all year. M.I.A is a bad bitch but she has work to do when it comes to regaining lost credibility.

2. Losing You - Solange (Video)

My Sol-Angel finally stepped out of Beyoncé's long and fabulous shadow with this brilliant video. She just wanders around South Africa looking like a hipster goddess, occasionally taking time out to go for a ride or partake in some bad dancing. Solange's finest moment by far.

1. Ride - Lana Del Rey (Video)

I plan to recreate this video scene by scene when I visit America next year. Bikers beware! Here's my review in full.

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 3

It's time for another installment of Pop Panel. Yay? The latest edition turned out to be another civilised exercise in music appreciation. Yeah right. The acid-tongued judges had a field day destroying some good and not-so-good tunes. I think I need some fresh meat because these bitches are pressed! The sheer outpouring of hate aside, we settled on a deserving winner. I think there were better songs in the mix but I can deal. Also of note is our stunning celebrity guest judge Zoë Badwi. I don't think the country's reigning dance diva knew what she was getting herself into but she was an incredibly good sport! Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following regulars:

Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Stephen (US) writer of The Middle Eight

We are also joined by the following judges:

Bobby (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop

This iconic blogger was one of the original pop panelists (way back in 2007, I think!) and has been a huge supporter of the format. In addition to writing his fabulous blog, Bobby now works with super-talented chanteuse Elouise. Welcome back!

and

Zoë Badwi (Aus) - Pop star extraordinaire and club royalty

I'm extremely chuffed that Zoë has finally graced the Pop Panel with her glamorous presence! I've been a fan since her stint as one third of Sirens. She turned out to be Beyoncé of that trio and went on to fuel dancefloors across Australia with club hits like "Release Me" and "In The Moment" before hitting it big with her top 10 smash "Freefallin'". She's absolutely adorable and so is her jet-setting mum! With new tunes on the way, 2012 is shaping up to be a big year for the Badwi camp.

Before getting stuck into the judging, I couldn't help being a bit nosy and asking Zoë when we can expect new material. Here's what she had to say.  

What have you been up to since the album was released?

Touring my bum off around Australia. Most of this year I gave been in LA recording and writing new material! I can't wait for it all to come out.

 Is new stuff on the way? Who are you working with?

There sure is! My next single is called "Shoot Me Down" and I worked with Frank E and Heather Bright on that one. Frank E wrote Jason Derulo's "Breathing" and Enrigue's "Tonight I'm Fucking You" plus many more and Heather is behind pretty much all the AMAZING songs out there at the moment. I was working in the Atlantic studios in LA and the talent they have there blew me away!  

When are you going to invite me over for dinner with you and Sal?

Haha Sal (my mum) is a citizen of the world. She is a hard one to catch. She is forever gallivanting around the world. Right now she is sunning herself in South Africa but when she gets back we can lock it in!

Check out Zoë's epic cover of Sarah Connor's "Carry Me Home" below.

The results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Delta Goodrem – Sitting On Top Of The World (Video)

That cunt from Neighbours has a new single.  

Bobby: Promising start the of the video. It sees Delta cruising in some Sydney park with blown-up condoms. Brilliant. Sadly though doesn't it deliver. A ridiculously cheery pop song that is far too polite to be interesting. 1/5 
Jacques: Delta drives me up the wall but this song is wonderful! I love it. It's like a Disneyfied Sara Bareilles. It's also way better than Melody Thornton. 4/5 
Mike: Without The Voice Australia's most pointless pop star would struggle to tickle the lower reaches of the top 50 with this inane dose of elevator music. She should just stick to ruining marriages. -5/5
Robbie: Is she still married to that homophobe? Yes? No? She's getting 0 just for taking his cock in her mouth anyway. 0/5 
Stephen: This is the ONJ wannabe who goes out with British homophobe, right? The best thing about this song: "The uploader has not made this video available in your country." 0/5 
Zoë: The more they trash this on the radio, the more I'm (slowly) getting into it. 3/5
Total = 3/30 

Melody Thornton – Someone To Believe (Video)

Former Pussycat Doll takes desperation to new heights by recycling home movies for her latest free download.  

Bobby: Wow. Unexpected. She gets a few points for that at least. But, if you're going to break the out of the mould set by your past, do it with a song I can sing-a-long to please. You're called Melody, lets be having one next time. 2/5 
Jacques: I just can't with this desperate trick walking the red carpet naked just for attention. I know it's hard to get a break these days, but I'd rather remain a flop than sacrifice my dignity. I used to like her and even bought "Sweet Vendetta" on iTunes, but now I think she's trash. But my personal disdain for her aside, this ballad is woeful. The oriental production paired with that melodramatic screeching is hot mess 101. 0/5
Mike: Possibly the worst thing I have ever seen/heard in my entire life. I thought Jessica Sutta was a waste of human flesh but Melody plumbs new depths with this tuneless mess. The Asian strings kill me. Where is the chorus? And more importantly, where is her dignity? 0/5
Robbie: Honey, no one wants to hear this crap. Hit the pole and start bouncing. 1/5 
Stephen: I kept waiting for it to kick in. This is one long intro! Two minutes of pained human rights-y riffing to a violin does not a choon make. Next time she needs to start with – bada bing! - an actual melody. I will give her two stars for superior drag queen hair... I mean this is a man, right? 2/5 
Zoë: Not what I would expect from a Pussycat Doll. She's no Nicole Scherzinger, is she? 1/5
Total = 6/30

Beez In The Trap – Nicki Minaj Ft. 2 Chainz (Video)

Onika's latest buzz single.  

Bobby: Oooooh, Nicki honey, the best song about buzzing insects is always going to be Billie's "Honey to the Bee". 0/5
Jacques: Hoodrat 101. What is this simplistic shit? This is the type of thing I expect to see on World Star Hip Hop by some stripper-turned-rapper called Mz GolDeN GriLLz. I'm surprised Melody Thornton didn't make an appearance in this video, as this hood porn seems right up her alley given her choice of red carpet attire. 1/5 
Mike: This is what happens when you make a bunch of MAGs listen to hip-hop! I'm not a fan of Stinki Garbaj but "Beez In The Trap" is a head-nodding jam. We should be encouraging Onika to focus on this kind of music instead of making desperate Pitbull knock-offs like "Starships". Shame about the video. 3/5
Robbie: Wretched. 0/5 
Stephen: I need to hook you up with a proper song next week, Wass. This sounds like something WE could write while drinking whiskey from a jockstrap. And it looks like it was shot with outtakes from the million other videos The Minaj has done in the past six months. Is there a message to this epic? You’d betta wear five condoms if there are bees in that trap. 0/5 
Zoë: This would be great for a DJ mix in a break down section. That's about all I've got for this one. 2/5
Total = 6/30

Rita Ora - RIP (below)

Roc Nation's new golden girl unleashes her debut UK single.  

Bobby: To borrow Rita's phraseology, akin to shitty ATM. Awful. 0/5 
Jacques: This girl is so boring, but it could be worse - she could be Melody Thornton. 2.5/5 
Mike: Kosovo's pop princess has everyone pressed. It's not her fault Jay Z needs a Rihanna replacement now that his former rainmaker's career is over! Admittedly, "RIP" is as generic as it gets but I like the verses and suspect it will be massive. 3/5
Robbie: Title says it all. 0/5 
Stephen: If this girl has any talent or originality, it’s been mauled by some smug suit at her label. Rihanna should sue for complete thievery. The autotune, the rapper, the rasta colors, the dye job. Has it come to this? 1/5
Zoë: Um... I like Tinie Tempah's part! 2/5 
Total = 8.5/30

Dance Again – Jennifer Lopez (Video)

Jenny is back to dance. And love. And dance. Again.  

Bobby: I don't absolutely love this but it's a good try. It is admirable that she hasn't progressed in no way whatsoever from her debut single to this travesty of a pop song. Which means, in over 12 years she hasn't matured at all. Which is remarkable. She refuses to change or evolve. Wonderfully woeful. I'll give her one point for knowing what fans want and what she's good at. 1/5 
Jacques: I liked this song more when I first heard it but I've already grown sick of it now. It's still more interesting than Melody Thornton's squishy rack, but it's not slaying me like "On The Floor" did. 3/5 
Mike: Jenny and Pitbull are the La Bouche of the 21st century - ridiculous lyrics, thumping Euro-beats and cheesy rapping! That might sound like shade but I love how '90s this is. While "On The Floor" sounded like a Kat DeLuna B-side, "Dance Again" is bizarrely innovative. In an incredibly derivative kind of way. I love it. 5/5
Robbie: I so don't care about this old bat. 2.5/5 
Stephen: Another year, another faceless commercial – I mean dance track! - from Jenny. Cars, perfume, Idol: she’s always hawking something. Did she marry one of the dancers, or writhers, I should say, since this was shot? That Caspar kid is no Jesus Luz, m’kay? She has to put on a blindfold, he’s so fug. And don’t get me started on how she’s stolen the Superior Diva Jessie Ware’s hairdo at the end! 2/5 
Zoë: Errr I feel like I've seen it and heard it a million times before. The "AGAIN" part is fun haha and damn it she's hot! 3/5 
Total = 16.5/30

Norah Jones – Happy Pills (Video)

Norah hooks up with the non Cee-Lo half of Gnarls Barkley for a fresh new sound.  

Bobby: No. 0/5
Jacques: Fucking AMAZING! I've always loved Norah's music over the year but I was a little iffy with her last album."Happy Pills" has made me a fan again. I just wish I had some of these happy pills when you forced me to listen to that heinous Melody Thornton song, Mike. 5/5
Mike: This is one of my favourite songs of 2012. It's so effortless and breezy. Norah embraces her inner-vamp and is forgiven for ten years of drivel. Absolutely gagging for the album. 5/5
Robbie: This is pleasant enough, in a slightly boring way. Reminds me of something VH1 would play if they still aired music videos. 3/5 
Stephen: I don’t know why I didn’t come when I heard this song. Or wait, I DO... The LP cover made me think she’d gone all Gogo’s on us, but this sounds like everything else Snorah Jones has done. 2/5 
Zoë: It doesn't really tickle my fancy but it's nice enough. 3/5
Total = 18/30

Mandy Capristo – The Way I Like It (Video)

The German diva was part of a hugely successful girlband in her homeland before striking out on her own this anthem.  

Bobby: After Nicki, Jennifer, Rita, Delta, Norah and Melody we're finally touching pop gold. Major points for that dress. She's won me already with the overblown pink toilet brush-cum-prom dress. To be frank, a song with the repeated refrains "push a little harder" and "get it up" will always be a winner for me. Love the wet climax at the end too. Full marks Mandy. 5/5 
Jacques: Not bad, not good. It's somewhere in between. I'm mostly just glad that Melody Thornton didn't record this. 2/5 
Mike: Monrose was a very hit-or-miss band for me but Mandy gets it just right with this saucy piece of Europop. I hope there's a physical single! 4/5
Robbie: Borderline awful/amazing. I'm siding with amazing. But I'll never remember it after this one listen. Oh well. 4/5 
Stephen: Unbearable shit. 0/5 
Zoë: Don't you think she looks like a cross between J Lo and Beyonce in some parts of the clip!? It's a good dance song. 3/5
Total = 18/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Perfume – Spring Of Life (below)

Japan's hottest girlband gifts the world another electro-marvel.  

Bobby: First listen, brilliant. But I take my Pop Panel duties incredibly seriously. I always replay the offerings to hear if I missed something. On its second spin it sounded flat and dull. I really should love this song but I don't. Ultimately, it has a nice scent that refuses to linger. Charmless yet pretty. Like biting into a tasteless yet glorious-looking cheesecake. 3/5 
Jacques: Utterly flawless. Japan's best girlband never disappoint. Their futuristic Tokyo techno-pop really shows you how terribly pedestrian the current dance-pop on the Hot 100 is by comparison. This is truly amazing and it's definitely something Melody Thornton would never record. 5/5 
Mike: Perfume were my first Asian pop crush along with the legendary Ami Suzuki. Their cyber-beats never fail to stun and amaze but this is a bit of a letdown in comparison to flawless classics like "Dream Fighter" and "Love The World". I think it's the insipid chorus that ruins it for me. Regardless, the production is mind-boggling and the video utterly sublime. 4/5
Robbie: A perfect score for the LED dresses alone. I wonder if these robot broads short circuit when they sit on Daddy's rocket? 5/5 
Stephen: Now we’re getting somewhere. Do you ever think these J-pop songs are just exercises to make super kawai videos? It’s fantastically shot, but let’s face it, Perfume are neither Pizzicato Five or Girls Aloud. I wonder if one of them is married to the Japanese equivalent of a footballer? 4/5 
Zoë: Oh dear, this one's not for me! Great video though. 0/5
Total = 21/30
 

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