Here I Am Bitching About Geri Halliwell & Lady Gaga On The Radio

Some of you asked to hear my shade-filled radio segment. I think I showed a lot of restraint. Enjoy.

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Born This Way Ball - Live In Sydney - Review

It's strange the difference a year can make. When the Monster Ball rolled into town, I was a raised paw (and a smidgen of self-respect) away from being a little monster. The Fame and Fame Monster lifted the bar for modern dance-pop albums and I loved her theatrical stage presence. But the Born This Way era lost me. The album was not very good and the increasingly awful videos demonstrated that she is, essentially, a one trick pony with an increasingly tired message. And yet, I was still excited to see her on Wednesday night. The 26-year-old (stop laughing) is a brilliant live performer and already has a stronger back catalogue than most of your dusty faves. It's a shame then that the Born This Way ball is the concert equivalent of a drag show crossed with a self-help seminar.

Hordes of fans made the pilgrimage to Allphones Arena for Lady Gaga's first of four sold-out Sydney dates in full costume. Pretty impressive given that the stadium is almost an hour by train from the city. It's a long way to go wearing coke-can rollers, hair-bows and pointy shoulder pads! Their dedication can't be faulted and I was genuinely moved when an awkward teenager standing next to me burst into tears at the mere sight of his icon. I know what it's like to be that wrapped up in an artist and I hope he enjoyed every second of show. Lady Gaga really is the second coming for teenage gays and ugly people and she deserves a lot of credit for preaching a positive message of self-acceptance. But it's time to change the record because this shit is starting to get old.

In all fairness, the show began in spectacular fashion. Lady Gaga emerged from what looked Castle Grayskull, chained to the back of a horse. She was then marched around the circular runway by her captors, while belting out "Highway Unicorn (Road To Love)" from underneath a mask. It was dark, gothic and dangerous. This is the kind of visual mayhem Gaga is capable of when she's not trying to reinvent the wheel. Unfortunately, it was largely downhill from there. The heinous crime against music otherwise known as "Government Hooker" came next and the stupid talking head from her "Born This Way" video made an appearance to announce a ridiculous narrative that I couldn't follow. Speaking of that crappy song, she finally escaped the confines of her bulky costume to perform it - complete with one of the evening's few well-choreographed dance routines.

Next up was the painfully uncontroversial Black Jesus segment. Mother Monster took the chance to launch into the first of many rants about loving yourself and expressing your individuality. The diva begged the audience not to give a fuck. She should practice what she preaches and stop obsessing over Madonna. But I digress. "Bloody Mary" was a complete non-event and "Bad Romance" wasn't given the epic treatment it deserves. That majestic anthem will stand the test of time unlike 90% of Born This Way and deserved more than a half-arsed dance in the castle courtyard. It was at about this time that the staging really began to annoy me. Lady Gaga is one of the few pop stars that can simultaneously sing and dance but the poor bitch had about two metres of stage to play with. I'm sure the castle cost a fortune but it looked cheap and tacky. This is definitely a case where less would have been more.

"Judas" already sounds dated but the Born This Way ball momentarily came alive when Gaga performed "Just Dance" and "LoveGame". Those hits brought the non-monsters in the audience to their feet and she was genuinely engaging when she talked about how far she had come since the release of the former. It's easy to forget that "Just Dance" was a number one hit in Australia almost a year before it exploded overseas, so I guess we can lay claim to hatching the superstar. Yay? I got a particular kick out of hearing "Telephone" but it's really not the same without Beyoncé there to add some class and sex appeal. It did, however, spark my favourite part of the show when Lady Gaga joked around with fans, making references to '90s bands and cult classic Clueless. This is the woman I want to see more of - not the well-intentioned but frankly annoying self-love advocate that polluted the rest of the show.

For such an expensive production, I think most of her outfits looked like bad Mardi Gras costumes. What's worse - they were just recycled ensembles from videos or the red carpet. Lady Gaga is supposed to be an innovator, so why has her image not evolved for 3 years? One exception was the human motorcycle look she rocked for "Heavy Metal Lover". That was hot and I loved the soft-porn interlude where a dancer pretended to eat her out. Next came "Bad Kids" - one of the best jams from Born This Way - and I started warming up to concert. But alas the closet Loli Lux fan decided to give us a lecture on homosexuality, including the incredibly offensive pearl of wisdom "you don't have to be a cunt to be gay". Excuse me? What kind of stereotypical shit is that? More importantly - who nominated this bitch to be a spokeswoman for the gay community? Is she bi, transgender or a lesbian? Has she had to go through the torture of coming out? No wonder little monsters have a higher suicide rate than unemployed Korean businessmen. She doesn't have a fucking clue what she's talking about.

Speaking of Lady Gaga's growing number of dead fans, the next cringe-worthy moment was a stripped-back ballad version of "Hair" dedicated to the recently departed. I love "Hair". It should have been the album's lead single. It's a brilliant pop song but it's not a fitting tribute - at least lyrically - and I felt genuinely uncomfortable when the bossy singer demanded everyone join her in a prayer. She even got shitty when people refused to take part. Gaga has built her career on preaching acceptance but I guess it doesn't extend to the non-religious. The "Hair" debacle was followed by "You And I". I don't particularly like the track but she sounded great and looked amazing playing the keyboard with one leg perched over a dancer's head. She is a scarily talented performer and could be even better if only she would tone down the increasingly boring performance art aspect of her shsow. She doesn't have to be over the top all the time.

"Electric Chapel" is a complete snooze on record and was just as boring live but sounds like a masterpiece in comparison to "Americano". That pretentious mess - performed in the cheapest plastic imitation of her iconic meat dress - was abysmal. The staging was a complete joke too with female dancers being mutilated in giant meat grinders. I'm sure Lady Gaga thinks she's making an important political statement but it just came across as another lame grab for attention. "Poker Face" still sounds great but isn't it time to start playing with the arrangement? It was just the same old thing with the same dance routine as the video. I was over the Born This Way ball by that stage and did something I haven't done in years - I pushed a bunch of monsters aside and left before the end of the show. The prospect of getting home early was more appealing than seeing the end of the concert. Which speaks volumes.

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The 20 Worst Videos Of 2011

Now this was hard. 2011 was a great year for really, really bad videos. I feel like people have just given up and either recycle something that took their fancy on YouTube or go for shock tactics by stripping off. Or both if you're Kelly Rowland. To make matters worse, Australia appears to be the world leader in shitty clips. If it was hot ten years ago in America, chances are you got the local equivalent this year. Yay? Admittedly, it's not all doom and gloom. Some of these efforts are hilarious and I think the winning/losing clip is a work of comedic genius. Let me know what you make of my choices in the comments!

20. Collide - Leona Lewis (Video)

Nobody wanted to see this horse-faced cunt in a bikini.

19. Unicorn - Pattyboy (Video)

New Zealand's King of Pop/self-proclaimed male Lady Gaga has polluted YouTube with some truly shocking videos. However, he is trying harder to be less rubbish and "Unicorn" is a step in the right direction - albeit not a big enough one. The toilet-paper outfit, bad choreography and ridiculous marriage to himself earn Pattyboy a spot on this list.

18. What Do You Take Me For? - Pixie Lott Feat. Pusha T (Video)

I know that it's fashionable to hate Pixie but I think her album is stunning. Haters are clearly intimidated by her powerful pipes and flawless beauty. Or perhaps they just saw this stinker. Who decided it was a good idea to turn Miss Lott into the prissy, white Beyoncé - complete with pussy-poppin' hood video? Possibly the least convincing urban transformation of all time.

17. The Edge Of Glory - Lady Gaga (Video)

And the award for the year's most disappointing video goes to "The Edge Of Glory". This is perhaps the only song on "Born This Way" that really lends itself to a meandering, over-the-top production. Everything about Fernando Garibay's anthem is epic - from the massive chorus to the now iconic sax solo. I wanted to see Lady Gaga drive off a cliff on a pink motorcycle and then use the pearly gates as a stripper pole when she landed in heaven. Instead, we get the Germ dancing on a fire escape. That's it. Literally.

16. Super Soaker - Bombs Away (Video)

A boat full of rough bitches shake their tits for attention in this desperate bid to attract the lowest common denominator. Imagine the "Home Girls" section of Picture magazine come to life.

15. When I Think About Sex - Osvaldo Suppino (Video)

Osvaldo is to Italy, what Pattyboy is to New Zealand ie. an epically untalented homosexual, who has spent far too many hours watching Lady Gaga videos on YouTube. The result is a showcase of bad fashion - a bedazzled Lakers singlet? - and worse choreography. The lowlight is when the budding pop star has sex with himself. Gross.

14. Get Together - Marta Sanchez (Video)

I stan for Marta. The Spanish Madonna has been a desperate publicity whore since before your fave was born, so she deserves our respect. But she's not going to get it when she's dancing around the club like a mutton-dressed-as-lamb stripper in some of the least flattering outfits ever captured on film. The Catwoman mask kills me. Marta, it's not hiding those wrinkles. It just makes you look like a victim of early onset dementia.

13. Not My Daddy - Eva (Video)

Eva must have the hottest mouth in LA. That's the only explanation I can think of for her amazing ability to get a record deal in the first place - let alone a song written by Ke$ha and a remix featuring Gucci Mane. Unfortunately, the plus-sized diva didn't get quite enough cash for the video. Bad special effects combine with cheap outfits and Eva's nasty feet to make this offering memorably awful.

12. Marry The Night - Lady Gaga (Video)

The time has come for Lady Gaga to take a year off. She is starting to suffer from diminishing returns both commercially and artistically. If you need proof look no further than "Marry The Night". It flopped miserably around the world and boasts perhaps her worst video yet. This self-indulgent vanity project is almost unwatchable. I enjoy the choreography towards the end but until someone edits it down to 5 minutes, I can't be bothered sitting through it again.

11. Lay It On Me - Kelly Rowland (Video)

You know, if Ms Kelly needs to act like a prostitute to sell records - then so be it. I love "Motivation" and think she looked incredibly sexy in the video. But let's just say lightning didn't strike twice. This scene-by-scene remake of Livvi Franc's "Now I'm That Bitch" is embarrassing. Kelendria looks like a man from certain angles and the onslaught of phallic imagery turns the clip into a parody. On the bright side, it's still a hot song.

10. The Reckoning - The Getaway Plan (Video)

You know your career is running on empty when you have to murder children to get attention.

9. Hold It Against Me - Britney Spears (Video)

What an horrendous way to launch a new album! This tragic mess highlighted everything that's wrong with Britney circa 2011 - the dead look in her eyes, her seeming inability to move and a palpable desperation to remind fans of former glories. No wonder "Femme Fatale" is yet to go Copper in most territories.

8. Radioactive - Brandon Hilton (Video)

If you thought Pattyboy and Osvaldo were sent straight from the bowels of hell, wait 'til you get a look at Brandon Hilton. The aspiring web celebrity turns delusion into an artform on "Radioactive". From the Gaga-lite fashion to Brandon's unfortunate facial expressions, everything about this video is cheap and overwhelmingly nasty.

7. Raining Diamonds - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Why are Australian videos so atrocious? "Raining Diamonds" is such an anthem and deserved an epic video to showcase Ricki-Lee's sexy new figure. Instead, she looks like an admittedly thin fool in this tacky trainwreck. The Barbarella-on-a-budget costumes are as ridiculous as they are unsuited to the lyrics - which I interpret as a mantra not to settle for second best in relationships. Don't even get me started on that cheap set and the plastic guns. This clip is so bad it momentarily made me long for Ricki-Lee's underrated fat phase.

6. 25/8 - Mary J. Blige (Video)

Speaking of great songs with shit videos, here's Mary J. Blige's hot mess "25/8". I honestly don't know what the director was thinking. Did he or she even listen to the song before deciding to stick the iconic diva in a room full of broke-down dancers in a twisted bid to re-create Kelly Rowland's awful "Commander" visual?

5. We Love - Sneaky Sound System (Video)

I wonder how the pitch for this national embarrassment went: "Imagine Miss Connie on a pedestal dressed as Marilyn Monroe - only we'll make her up to look like a sweaty mess, complete with a shiny face and smudged make-up. Then we'll have a couple perform random sex acts, you know, classy shit involving anal-beads. Only when the lights come on they're doing really innocuous things like cleaning the house! Amazing, right?"

4. Inescapable - Jessica Mauboy(Video)

Poor Jessica. I really don't understand how someone so pretty in real-life always looks like the before photo on What Not To Wear in her videos. And this lazy effort is heinous even by her low standards. What's with that fucking turban? "Inescapable" is probably the best Australian pop song of 2011 but the only nice thing I can say about this clip is that's an improvement on "Get Em Girls".

3. Fly - Nicki Minaj Feat. Rihanna (Video)

Onika and Rih-cycle wander around a plane crash in couture outfits looking like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee on the set of Lost. The only this missing is Tyra Banks demanding more broken doll poses in this horrendous four minute episode of America's Next Top Model for low-rent whores.

2. All We Have - Natalie Bassingthwaighte (Video)

"All We Have" will go down in history as the Australian filmmaker's guide for what not to do in a music video. Everything about it is embarrassing. I could go on about the lame concept and bad lighting but the clip's biggest sin is making the star of the show look ridiculous. Natalie Bassingthwaigthe resembles an extra from Cocoon squeezed into a dress Lady Gaga rejected during The Fame era. It's not flattering and made worse by the fact she's surrounded by dancers young enough to be her grandchildren. American directors still make Madonna look good and she's a couple of minutes older than Nat - so why can't local talent do the same?

1. Liar Boy - Cindy and Sheila Rhyme (Below)

This was tough. I couldn't decide whether to crown "Liar Boy" the best or worst video of 2011. On the one hand, I'm here for these iconic divas and immediately downloaded their future pop classic from iTunes after seeing the clip. On the other hand, words cannot adequately describe how awful this is. Bad teeth, worse outfits, shocking dance moves and the dodgiest editing in recent memory make "Liar Boy" the most heinous (and hilarious) clip of the year.

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The 20 Shadiest Music Moments Of 2011

Is it just me or was 2011 shadier than usual? It seems like every ho with a record deal was caught doing something underhand this year. Perhaps we're just more observant and unnecessarily criticise artists for playing the game. Or maybe the music business is so cut-throat at the moment that you need sticky fingers and a Teflon conscience just to get ahead. In any case, there were no shortage of examples to choose from when I put together my list of 2011's shadiest moments. I'm sure I forgot some essential acts of thievery and bad behaviour - so feel free to remind me in the comments.

20. Kylie's pop-up book debacle

Kylie announced the $199 "Goddess Edition" of her album way back in June. It's now December and still nowhere to be seen. It can't have been easy for Dannii to cut and paste each copy herself between takes on Australia's Got Talent but this whole debacle is starting to feel shadier than a rain forest.

19. Britney's tweets

And the award for the most obviously ghost-written Twitter belongs to Britney. Who do they think they're kidding? We all know Brit is too high on Xanax and Vicodin to stand without assistance, let alone regularly update her social media platforms with tightly-scripted content. Many artists have admin staff running their Twitter - I met the guy being paid to write Taylor Swift's tweets when I was in New York - but Britney's lack of involvement is so obvious that it crosses into shady territory.

18. Lady Gaga inventing Madonna's support

Now this was awkward. At the height of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" controversy (ie. that it's a blatant "Express Yourself" rip-off), the deluded one went on the Jay Leno Show and proudly announced that Madonna sent her an email declaring her love for the song. Unfortunately, the 97-year-old pop icon's publicist denied the exchanged ever happened. How embarrassing!

17. Madonna's mad YouTube skillz

Madonna is the Queen of shade - probably because she sleeps in a crypt and only comes out at night to feed on male models. In the year's shadiest click of a button, the once popular singer rubbed more salt into Lady Gaga's wounds by uploading "Express Yourself" to her YouTube account - a move that was interpreted as a clear jab at Mother Monster.

16. Lady Gaga thanks Whitney Houston

The not-so-subtle feud between Madonna and Lady Gaga continued at the Grammys when the latter thanked Whitney Houston for inspiring "Born This Way" - despite the fact that it sounds like everything Madge recorded in the '80s thrown into a blender. Acknowledging the pop legend's biggest rival was a particularly shady touch.

15. Kelly Rowland releases a greatest hits album - with no hits

Girl, please.

14. Rihanna's bargain bundles

While Katy Perry's price-rigging on iTunes generated loud criticism across the blogosphere, Rihanna's "buy my last album, get my new single for free" deal was inexplicably given a pass. By everyone but me.

13. Beyoncé's "Countdown" choreography

King B stole ten seconds of a dance routine from a random Belgian ballet in her iconic "Countdown" video and faced the wrath of the original choreographer. While I'm usually down with Bey's stunning homages, this particular example was more specific and detailed than usual. It's a clever reference and works brilliantly in the clip but someone could have cleared it with Teresa before the ungrateful bitch went ballistic.

12. Rico Love's beat recycling

It's a common dilemma - a song blows up and everyone wants a piece of the action - but how many times can Rico Love recycle Kelly Rowland's "Motivation"? First came Melanie Fiona's awesome "4am" and now Mary J's equally good "Mr Wrong". Ryan Tedder and RedOne have been doing it for years but this shit is still super shady regardless of the original's quality.

11. Britney's body double

Anyone with eyes can tell that Britney didn't dance in "Hold It Against Me" - I'm convinced her stand-in was actually a man! - but she vehemently denied it. The same accusations were made about Brit's "Til The World Ends" video but this time she was proven to be a shady liar when photos of her body double performing choreography surfaced online. Worst yet is using a body double to make out with her real-life boyfriend in her aptly-titled "Criminal" video. That goes beyond shady into the realm of totally fucked-up.

10. Onika's age

Nicki Minaj is possibly the oldest person nominated for a Best New Artist Grammy in the Award's history. Earlier this year, her cover was blown when a police report outed her as being 28 years old. Until then the poor man's Lil Kim had listed her age as 26. Whoops.

9. Lana Del Ray's entire career

I love Lana Del Slay. She is my new obsession and I still play "Video Games" on repeat. But all this crap about making her own videos and being discovered on YouTube is hard to swallow. This has been a carefully orchestrated exercise in record label shadiness from the beginning. And you know what? It worked. So now she can stop pretending that she does everything from catering to injecting her lips with filler between takes on her self-funded, self-directed and self-styled videos. Something in the tea ain't clean!

8. Flo Rida and Leona Lewis rip off Avicii

Avicii really needs to get a copyright lawyer on retainer. First Leona Lewis steals the Swede's hit instrumental "Penguin" for her gigantic flop "Collide" and then Flo Rida pilfers "Levels" for "Good Feeling". If nothing else all this shadiness has raised the DJ's profile and made him the go-to producer for singers that can't afford David Guetta

7. Jeff Bhasker trashing "Motivation"

Everyone should be able to express their own opinion on Twitter but there was something distinctly shady about the producer behind some of the hottest cuts on Beyoncé's "4" trashing Kelly Rowland's "Motivation" - particularly when Rico Love's production was riding high at #1 on the R&B chart at the time and Bhasker's efforts were getting a lot less love.

6. Kelly Rowland's recycled videos

Sarah Chatfield proved to be the music industry's greenest director when she recycled two videos for Ms Kelly. "Lay It On Me" was a scene-by-scene remake of Livvi Franc's "Now I'm That Bitch", while "Down For Whatever" re-visited Wynter Gordon's "Believer". I'm not sure where the blame lies but this is seriously shady. It's one thing to take an idea and make it better but this was just lazy.

5. Beyoncé's BBMA performance

I have never seen anything like King B's 2011 Billboard Music Award performance. That was next level shit that made your tired fave look like a dusty typewriter in comparison to Bey's shiny, new laptop. But it doesn't change the fact that elements were taken from a previous performance by Lorella Cuccarini. As it turns out the Queen of soul, pop and probably country (if she put her mind to it), hired the Italian singer's producers to re-create the technology - so she can hardly be accused of stealingit. The shadiness results from tarnishing such an iconic moment by using an old idea - regardless of whether she improved on it (she did) or not.

4. Lady Gaga's "Judas" debacle

Mother Monster's sticky fingers worked over time this year. Not only did she blatantly steal "WannaBE" from Loli Lux - using the sexy DJ's exact beats on "Judas" - but she then stole the video concept from Brandy! The similarities to that diva's "Afrodisiac" clip - also choreographed by Laurieann Gibson, funnily enough - are uncanny.

3. Rihanna rapes David LaChappelle's artistic legacy

In a bid to spread her creative wings Rihanna decided to co-direct her "S&M" video. So the Barbadian bonehead flipped through a book of David LaChappelle's photos and basically stole his entire aesthetic. He had the last laugh when she had to cough up the big dollars to keep it out of court. You would have thought Rih-cycle would have learned from stealing M.I.A.'s "Boyz" video concept for "Rude Boy". Shady lady.

2. Katy Perry's price-rigging

I kind of love Katy Perry's creative antics (iTunes discounts, celebrity videos and completely unnecessary remixes) to rack up number one hits in America but it is shady. Can't she just be proud of landing six top 10 hits from the one album? That's an insane achievement! I'm not sure if losing all credibility to squeeze out another couple of chart-toppers is really worth it. Having said all that, I really hope "The One That Got Away" makes it to number one just to annoy everyone!

1. Lady Gaga's 99 cent album deal

The majority of these entries have been tongue-in-cheek. I don't care that Nicki Minaj is a couple of weeks away from menopause and Bey can copy as many Belgian flops as she likes. However, Mother Monster's 99 cent album deal crossed all kinds of lines. At a time when illegal downloading has all but killed the music industry, Lady Gaga gave the year's most highly-anticipated album away for free. Or near enough. If people didn't think mp3s were worthless before, they sure do now. And for what? To get a bogus first week sales record? So lame, so shady, so Gaga.

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30 Best Album Tracks Of 2011

Is 2011 really almost over? I feel like it flew by at double speed! Anyway, it's time to let my OCD run wild and put together my annual 'best of' lists. I thought I'd begin with something a bit different this year. Listed below are my 30 favourite album tracks - songs that really should have been released as singles but weren't either due to bad timing, lack of interest or sheer stupidity. I shied away from including gems from recently released triumphs like Kelegend's "Stronger" or Mary J's epic "My Life II" because I'm still hopeful my faves will be sent to radio. Instead, I focused on albums that have more or less finished their run or, in some cases, are awaiting a re-release. There's no real science to this, so take it with a grain of salt. Here goes!

30. Starting Over - Jennifer Lopez (Listen)

Album: Love?

The words "uneven mess" spring to mind when I think of Jenny's comeback album but it does harbor a couple of gems. My favourite non-single has to the Wynter Gordon-penned mid-tempo ballad "Starting Over". This is the perfect fit for J.Lo's restricted vocal range and the lyrics bring an unusually adult perspective to the end of a relationship. Kudos to Danja for actually trying to make the song sound like it was recorded after 2007 - unlike the vast majority of the album!

29. What's A Girl Supposed To Do - Nikki Jean (Listen)

Album: Pennies In A Jar

For someone who was briefly hailed as the next big thing, Nikki Jean came and went with little fanfare. It's a shame because her quirky debut is jam-packed with great tunes. Any number of songs could have made this countdown but I keep coming back to "What's A Girl Supposed To Do". This breezy piece of retro-pop perfection was co-written by the legendary Jeff Barry (Ike and Tina's "River Deep, Mountain High" and The Monkees' "I'm A Believer" to name but two) and it's not an embarrassment to his legacy. High praise indeed.

28. Run - Jessica Mauboy (Listen)

Album: Get Em Girls (Re-Release)

J. Malley hooks up with the producer behind Heidi Montag's "Superficial" album. Lightning strikes twice.

27. Trip To Your Heart - Britney Spears (Listen)

Album: Femme Fatale

With the exception of the heinous "Hold It Against Me", Britney got the singles right this time. The rest of the album is as vacant as the heavily-medicated diva's stare but I have a soft spot for "Trip To Your Heart". This sounds like a reject from "Oops!... I Did It Again" and I mean that as a compliment. It's nice to hear Brit return to the innocent, bubblegum-pop of her hey day. A late fifth single maybe?

26. I'm Not Leaving - Sneaky Sound System (Not uploaded to YouTube)

Album: From Here To Anywhere

I love Sneaky's new album. It's a master class in constructing a cohesive electro-pop opus but - apart from the exquisite "Big" - there aren't a lot of viable singles. That makes the decision not to release "I'm Not leaving" all the more perplexing. This is the big gay anthem that could set fire to the clubs and actually be played on the radio. Think Whitney meets Kylie for some idea of the track's greatness.

25. You Will Be Mine - Lenka (Listen)

Album: Two

Australia's indie-pop princess embraced synths on her sophomore album. She couldn't give it away with a free copy of "21" but I fully approved of her move towards the dancefloor. Particularly, the icily beautiful "You Will Be Mine". Guy Sigsworth (Madonna, Britney and Robyn) knows how to craft a killer pop song and Lenka's quirkiness brings out the best in him. Perhaps the album would have shifted plastic if this was sent to radio instead of the title track. Who knows? It's a chart-topper in my book.

24. Springsteen - Eric Church (Listen)

Album: Chief

Apart from being the sexiest man in music, Eric Church also delivered one of the best albums of 2011. "Chief" is the country equivalent of cock-rock. You know, songs about drinking too much and get getting into trouble with the law. It's great from beginning to end but "Springsteen" stands out as the highlight. Given the snail's pace of country music releases, I'm still hopeful this will be a single. The nostalgic anthem is the crossover track that Eric needs to mix it up with the likes of Lady A and Jason Aldean. I can't recommend this highly enough.

23. Cut Straight To The Heart - Sophie Ellis-Bextor (Listen)

Album: Make A Scene

This delicately crafted synth-ballad reminds me of Sophie's 2003 anthem "Nowhere Without You" - AKA the best single she never released. Unfortunately, history repeated itself and the song is destined to be forgotten by everyone except the handful of desperate MAGs that bought her album. How depressing.

22. Heartbreak Down - P!nk (Listen)

Album: Greatest Hits... So Far!

There was a time when I would cut a bitch for bad-mouthing P!nk. "Try This" ruled my world for most of 2003-2004 and I stayed loyal until she re-released "I'm Not Dead" under the new title of "Funhouse" in 2009. Anyway, my point is that I was pretty much done with Alicia until I heard "Heartbreak Down" on her GH. Butch Walker beats Dr Luke at his own game with his slick production and the lyrics pack a deceptively strong punch. I hear you, sister!

21. The Moon's A Harsh Mistress - Rumer (Not uploaded to YouTube)

Album: Slow (B-Side)

I avoided Rumer for as long as I could but eventually gave in and listened to "Seasons Of My Soul". The English chanteuse sounds eerily similar to Karen Carpenter - so I was basically sold immediately. Any number of tracks should have had Adele-esque success but the balladeer stayed underground. At least in this country. I put it down to the fact that she looks like an extra from Cell Block H. As for "The Moon's A Harsh Mistress" - the B-Side to single "Slow" - Karen is resting her bony arse on a cloud in heaven, listening to this gorgeous cover on repeat.

20. Relapse - Zoë Badwi (Listen)

Album: Zoë

A little birdie told me that "Relapse" is far from Zoë's favourite track on her stunning debut but it pushes my buttons. Sounding like something Sirens could have recorded after putting the finishing touches to their classic Sara-Marie duet, this shot of Hi-NRG pop is more infectious than athlete's foot on a hot summer's day. It's also more radio-friendly than most of the album and would have lent itself to any number of risque video treatments - such as Zoë lounging around in a white latex straight-jacket in a mental asylum. See, I thought of everything!

19. Fuck Him He's A DJ - Ke$ha (Listen)

Album: I Am The Dance Commander + I Command You To Dance: The Remix Album

Everything K$ touches turns to gold - including this three-year-old demo she rescued from the recycle bin on her laptop to pimp out "I Am The Dance Commander". Could your fave?

18. Everybody Needs Love - Jennifer Hudson (Listen)

Album: I Remember Me

Jennifer Hudson's sophomore effort is one of 2011's most perplexing albums. It was bogged down by generic filler and ultimately doomed to failure by some of the craziest single choices in recent memory. BUT the misunderstood opus also boasts flourishes of unmistakable brilliance. Take this sublime Alicia Keys-penned disco anthem. Think of "Everybody Needs Love" as the fabulous sequel to Whitney Houston's "Million Dollar Bill". The song has everything - uplifting lyrics, gargantuan vocals and a funky groove that Loleatta Holloway would have been proud to call her own. Prepare to swoon.

17. Bad Kids - Lady Gaga (Listen)

Album: Born This Way

"Bad Kids" is the kind of music Lady Gaga should be making. It's experimental without sounding like a SNL parody and expertly taps into the near universal theme of teenage alienation. The splashes of '80s rock work surprising well against Fernando Garibay's cute beats and the chorus is something of a triumph. Most of all, I buy this Gaga. I'm sure people hated her at school (probably for being a pretentious cunt), so this track actually feels authentic. A rare commodity on "Born This Way".

16. Mama Hold My Hand - Aloe Blacc (Listen)

Album: Good Things

This is the "Someone Like You" for mama's boys with deep-seated emotional issues. As such, it pretty much destroys me every time I hear it.

15. I Love You - Avril Lavigne (Listen)

Album: Goodbye Lullaby

It boggles the mind that Max Martin and Shellback can churn out a seemingly endless stream of generic radio-hits for Britney but also manage to craft something as simple, pared-back and intrinsically Avril as "I Love You". There's not a bad song on "Goodbye Lullaby" (AKA the "4" of whiny guitar-pop albums) but this is definitely my favourite non-single. It's sweet, honest and just kind of washes over you in a very pleasant way with a minimum of fuss or bother.

14. Miles - Christina Perri (Listen)

Album: Lovestrong

I still can't decide if I love or hate Christina Perri. That stupid blond streak makes me want to slap her and "Jar Of Hearts" is absolutely ridiculous but I loved "Arms" and latched onto this cut from her uneven debut. "Miles" benefits from the guidance of the ever-reliable Greg Kurstin, who reigns in her love of bad metaphors and tendency to ramble. The result is an unusually perky mid-tempo love song with a suitably depressing twist. Please let this be her next single.

13. Dancin' Away With My Heart - Lady Antebellum (Listen)

Album: Own The Night

Country music made a huge impact on my iPod this year, with the all-conquering Lady Antebellum leading the charge. Not since the glory days of Shania Twain has an act walked the fine line between country and pop so effortlessly. I love every song on "Own The Night" but this nostalgic gem makes me melt. It was released as a pre-album promo single but surely a full release beckons? "For me you'll always be 18 and beautiful and dancin' away with my heart". Sigh.

12. Unbroken - Demi Lovato (Listen)

Album: Unbroken

As one third of this generation's holy trio of teen-pop icons (along with Selena and Miley), expectations were high for Demi's post-breakdown comeback. I missed the edgy pop-rock of her earlier albums at first but eventually came around to "Unbroken" and now recognise it as a future classic of "When The Sun Goes Down" proportions. It's hard to pick a favourite but the Leah Haywood-penned title-track definitely stands out as a future hit. This towering synth-pop anthem reminds me of Ricki-Lee's stunning "Raining Diamonds" - only with meaningful lyrics and an even better chorus.

11. Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Miley Cyrus (Listen)

Album: Can't Be Tamed

I know this was released in 2010 but I developed a whole new appreciation for "Can't Be Tamed" after her Australian tour in June. There were a lot of potential singles on that album but her cover of Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" could have been massive. This is such an improvement on the original and leads me to believe that a collection of '80s hair-rock anthems should be high on her 'to do' list.

10. All The Boys - Keri Hilson (Listen

Album: No Boys Allowed

How do you solve a problem like Miss Keri Baby? She is an embarrassment to the human race but I can't help but like her music. Take "All The Boys". This is one of the prettiest ballads in recent memory. I love the romantic sentiment and understated production. It's perfectly tailored to Keri's half-octave vocal range and ranks as a career highlight alongside "Knock Me Down" and "I Like".

9. Gone - Jennifer Hudson (Listen)

Album: I Remember Me

J Hud teams up with openly homophobic super-producer Polow Da Don for an epic re-make of Beyoncé's "Halo". There's no excuse for this not being a single. The mid-tempo ballad is irresistible radio fodder that shamelessly yanks at your heartstrings with its emotional lyrics and soaring, synth-drenched chorus. The line "Can you picture yourself getting older dear with someone else?" is particularly devastating. If Beyoncé and Kelly Clarkson ballads float your boat then check this out.

8. I Care - Beyoncé (Listen)

Album: 4

Speaking of King B, you didn't think I'd forget the 16-time Grammy winner/most successful artist of the millennium did you? I had to restrain myself from including every track from "4" and focus on the absolute highlights. One of the songs that grew on me more with each listen is the Jeff Bhasker-produced gem "I Care". This is a downright eerie pop song. The subject matter is unusually dark and destructive yet completely relatable. "I know you don't care too much but I still care" howls Bey against ominous beats and the year's quirkiest guitar solo. I feel her pain.

7. Still Getting Younger - Wynter Gordon (Listen)

Album: With The Music I Die

Wynter Gordon teams up with Australian electro-pop band Pnau for one of 2011's best dance anthems. This really is a marriage made in heaven. Winnie channels her inner-Donna Summer, while the producers take inspiration from "Fever"-era Kylie to deliver a knock-out punch. I know this was considered for the album's third single but was overlooked in favour of the admittedly fabulous "Buy My Love". Surely, there's still time for "Still Getting Younger" to have its moment in the sun? Discerning pop fans need this on their iPod.

6. Superman - Taylor Swift (Listen)

Album: Speak Now

"I watch Superman fly away, you got a busy day today" chirps Tay Tay annoyingly in this ridiculous piece of country-pop fluff. Listen, I'm not proud that this stunning bonus-track got lodged in my brain and refused to leave. After all, I have fully-formed boy parts and remember the '90s. But after months of fighting the urge to play this trash on repeat, I finally gave in. And you know what? I'm no longer ashamed. Team Taylor for the win!

5. Say Yes - Nicole Scherzinger (Listen)

Album: Killer Love

How many singles did my best friend Nicole release in 2011? 4 or 5? I've lost count. Most of them were solid choices but there's still no excuse for overlooking "Say Yes" - AKA the best RedOne song not stolen by Lady Gaga in 2011. Everything about this is epic. From the pleading chorus to Hitzinger's soaring vocal, this is top-notch pop and would have been massive.

4. End Of Time - Beyoncé (Listen)

Album: 4

I could, and probably will at some point, write a thesis about Beyoncé's bizarre choice of singles this era. The world just wasn't ready for next-level pop like "Run The World (Girls)", while "Best Thing I Never Had" was a tad too safe by comparison but nothing sticks in my craw like the shocking failure to release "End Of Time". This was the album's big radio hit. A glorious pop anthem with a monster chorus drenched in brass and interesting beeps and bleeps courtesy of Diplo and Switch. I really hope Bey makes a video for this triumphant masterpiece after giving birth to baby Jayoncé - from her vagina because she's really pregnant, haters! - in the same way she knocked out a last-minute clip for "Why Don't You Love Me?" This game-changer deserves to be heard.

3. Hair - Lady Gaga (Listen)

Album: Born This Way

It really pains me to say nice things about Lady Gaga but "Born This Way" was worth the $0.99 for this song alone. "Hair" shits all over rubbish like "Marry The Night" and "Judas". RedOne's best non-Kat DeLuna production of 2011 should have been the lead single, followed by "Edge Of Glory" and then "Bad Kids" or that lame (but secretly amazing) song about unicorns. That would have made this era bearable. But back to "Hair". The craziest thing about this anthem is that people still think it's about follicles. Gaga is clearly using hair as a metaphor for freedom and identity - two themes that make the track both powerful and uplifting.

2. Burn - Clare Maguire (Listen)

Album: Light After Dark

Sounding like Sophie Ellis-Bextor's earthier, chain-smoking cousin, Clare Maguire made a lot of people sit up and take notice with "Light After Dark". Unfortunately none of the singles made a huge splash on the charts, which probably has something to do with the fact that the best song on the album was relegated to bonus track status. "Burn" is - hands down - one of the best pop songs of 2011. It's a beautifully written synth-pop anthem with an unusually wistful chorus that showcases Clare's powerful pipes. I've had this on repeat all year and still love it as much as the first time I heard it. Very highly recommended.

1. Schoolin' Life - Beyoncé (below)

Album: 4

The best album track of 2011 - by quite some margin - is "Schoolin' Life". Bey's educational anthem sums up everything I love about "4". It cleverly mixes influences from pop giants like Prince, Michael Jackson and La Toya to create something completely untamed and original. Which other major pop diva would dare to release a meandering retro-pop tune that hands out life advice against a bed of synths not heard since 1984? It's brave, different and completely uncommercial. Every line is quotable and I love the rich vein of humour that runs through the song. When all is said and done, I don't care that "4" is only the 7th highest selling album of 2011. My fave guided the masses to happiness and fulfilment in five incredibly catchy minutes. Yours had to run around naked in a field, singing generic trash to get a hit. I win. Bye.

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Marry The Night - Video Review

So I finally got around to watching Lady Gaga's "Marry The Night" video tonight - a whole three days after it premiered. That little statistic speaks volumes. In the past a new clip from Mother Monster was cause for celebration. I would be glued to my computer, waiting to see how much further she could raise the bar for music videos. Say what you like about the Benjamin Buttons of pop. Before Gaga started spending money on clips towards the end of the "Fame" era, blockbuster visuals were as hard to find as Rihanna's dignity. But then came "Paparrazzi", the all-conquering "Bad Romance" and already iconic "Telephone".

Suddenly, pop stars started delivering the goods again. Katy Perry is now dropping her own special-effects laden mini-movies, RiRi re-made Trainspotting for "We Found Love" and poor, old Britney did her best to look lucid in "I Wanna Go". This makes Lady Gaga's current run of visual flops all the more confusing. How did she fall this far? I liked the camp horror aesthetic of "Born This Way" but the other MVs from this album stink. "Judas" was a lame attempt to pick up where "Alejandro" left off. The status of "Edge Of Glory" (or "Dancing On A Fire Escape", as I like to call it) as the single most disappointing entry in her videography is undeniable and the best thing I can say about "You And I" is that she looked hot as a guy. I really hoped the diva could turn it around with "Marry The Night" but Gaga's ego gets in the way, as usual, and we're left with close to 14 minutes of pretentious bullshit with a bit of awesome choreography throw in at the end.

Seriously, does this bitch think anyone cares about her stupid mental hospital ramblings? I don't take spiritual advice from someone who makes a living pretending to be Grace Jones. And the nude scenes? I've seen sexier bodies on senior citizens. The annoying thing is that the old spark is still there. I laughed out loud at the Bedazzler comment and I love the dance class scene. Even her dancing on the car was good in a Ciara-did-it-first kind of way. Someone really needs to tie Lady Gaga to a chair and force her to watch "Bad Romance" on repeat. It was a genius clip because it had a fully-realised concept that suited the song perfectly and managed to be confronting and original without coming across as a desperate cry for help from a talented but unstable film student with delusions of grandeur. Mama Monster needs to reign the crazy in because people are losing interest. "Born This Way" has sold less than half of "The Fame" and self-indulgent rubbish like this is not helping her cause.

4/10

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