Why Is Carly Rae A Flop? Tonight I'm Getting Over You - Video Review

The continued failure of Carly Rae Jepsen to capitalise on the mammoth worldwide success of "Call Me Maybe" remains one of life's great mysteries. Like the sale of Filet-O-Fish burgers at McDonald's. Seriously, who buys that shit? The problem is not the music. As any discerning pop fan can attest, Kiss was one of finest recordings of 2012. There isn't a dud song on that album. Sure, some of it is kind of embarrassing if you're not a 12-year-old girl but even those bitches are snubbing Carly's flawless music. What the fuck is going on?

After minutes of deep thought, I've carefully come up with the following potential causes:

1. She's Canadian

Let's face it. Nobody's here for that backwater but being Canadian hasn't hindered Justin Bieber's chart prospects - so it can't be that.

2. Bad song choices

There aren't any bad songs on Kiss apart from the ballads, which I have long since deleted, so this is not an issue.

3. Her dumb fringe

Getting warmer. Carly has the worst hair in music and bitches obviously can not deal with that heinous 'do.

4. Age inappropriateness

It's occasionally disconcerting that a woman staring down her 30th birthday sings about steamy issues like holding hands and making wedding rings from guitar strings but Madonna has been making music for teenage gays since 1983 - so we're obviously willing to turn a blind eye to this. The mystery deepens.

5. Justin Bieber association

While being associated with JB clearly helped Carly get noticed, it could also be her downfall. Female and gay (ie. all) Beliebers are incredibly jealous and the fact that they toured together obviously got her blacklisted. It also made it easy for everyone over the age of 16 to dismiss the flop diva as a teen joke, when - in reality - her music is closer aligned to Kylie Minogue than Selena Gomez.

6. Carly's videos are terrible

Take "Tonight I'm Getting Over You". I love this song. The production is current and radio-friendly. It would be a massive hit if was recorded by someone it isn't embarrassing to openly like. To get over the Carly Rae stigma, you would film a gritty video to remind people that she's a grown woman and knows how to churn out an edgy club-banger? Right? Wrong. This silly bitch makes out with a guy young enough to be her son - trust me, they never get past first base because Carly obviously has a vagina just like Barbie - and then acts a fool by sitting in an empty room sprawled over an old TV set when not staring through lace curtains like a crazy person. What the fuck?

It's a sad day when a pretty woman in the twilight of her youth with a reed thin but capable voice can not bag a hit with the assistance of today's hottest hitmakers. I feel like homosexuals have really dropped the ball and can only repent by gifting "Tonight I'm Getting Over You" to everyone they know. Let the Carly Rae revival start here!

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Nicki Minaj Is Officially A Flop - Tickets Heavily Reduced For Sydney Show

Now this is embarrassing. It looks like Nicki Minaj has traveled all the way to Australia to be greeted by a half-empty crowd at Sydney's Entertainment Centre on Friday night. While fellow American Idol judge Mariah Carey sold out the much-larger All Phones arena in just 4 minutes last week, Onika's flop concert has been on sale for months with next-to-no interest. In a desperate bid to save face, promoters are now offering tix for $60 - a huge discount. Shame. To be honest, I still think that's too much money to spend on Nicki's basic show. Earlier this year I reviewed her gig at the Hordern Pavillion for Idolator and was less than impressed. But if terrible miming, bad wigs and tacky sets float your boat, you're in for the night of your life.

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Anastacia Returns. Remains Irrelevant And Embarrassing.

Full disclosure. I was never a big fan of Anastacia. I think I was always turned off by her stupid sunglasses and grating voice. But she was unavoidable in the early 2000s and I somehow ended up buying all her albums - even Heavy Rotation, which defined career-ending flop well before the release of MDNA. My favourite was definitely 2004's self-titled effort, which boasts two of the diva's best songs - "Left Outside Alone" and "Sick And Tired". She pretty much became irrelevant after that but is now on the comeback trail, promoting It's A Man's World - a collection of cover versions first performed by men.

Excuse me but didn't Cher do this first way back in 1995? Furthermore, who leaves four years between albums and then return with this shit? It's not like she's 100 and has no other option. Anastacia could still get away with a fun dance-pop album and it would probably sell on nostalgia alone. Oh well. I won't lose any sleep. The first taste of It's A Man's World (that I've heard) is an abysmal cover of Foo Fighters' "Best Of You" (below). It's really bad but words can't describe how terrible the accompanying video is. Why is she acting like my drunk aunt at karaoke? How can she move her mouth with all that botox? Who really gives a shit about this bitch anymore?

Song: 0/10, Video: 0/10

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Rihanna's 'Diamonds' - Video Review

unfortunately she doesn't drown

Britney was terrifying during the Femme Fatale era. That vacant stare, those robotic interviews and her complete and utter lack of involvement made it uncomfortable to watch. However, Rihanna is turning manufactured pop-puppetry into artform with Unapolgetic. Did the poor man's Shontelle even know she had an album coming out until her label announced it on Twitter? It's not like the lazy bitch has a single songwriting credit or needed more than a couple of hours to add her bleating goat vocal to the nearly-finished demos. But whatever.

The Navy doesn't give a fuck about Rihanna's involvement (or lack thereof) in her own career. They probably think "Diamonds" is a high-brow musical triumph instead of a tacky Sia B-Side howled over a sample of Toto's "Africa". At least the big-budget Anthony Mandler-directed video showed promised. His recent work with Lana Del Rey has been breathtaking and he was responsible for some of Riri's best videos ("Te Amo" and "Man Down"). Unfortunately, history doesn't repeat. I'm sure this mess was supposed to shine like a diamond but it just ends up stinking like a turd.

For starters, the plot is more confusing than Inception. Can somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on? One minute the original Rita Ora is floating in water like a piece of badly-dressed driftwood, the next a couple of horses are breeding in the great outdoors. Sorry bitch but Mariah did horse porn first and better way back in 1997! She then wanders the streets - clearly still wearing her Cassie costume from Halloween - during a riot or revolution. Sure, why not. "Diamonds" is beautifully filmed and there are some impressively-staged set pieces but, like Rihanna herself, it has no substance.

The fact that Ke$ha unleashed her era-defining "Die Young" visual at the same time doesn't help Rihcycle's cause. Say what you want about the Jack-swilling pop icon but that clip embodies everything she stands for - sex, drugs, parties, free Nokia phones and glowing Illuminati triangles. Rihanna, on the other hand, looks like an extra that wandered onto the set and then hung around for free food. K$ wins the video battle hands down.

Rating: 1/10

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Ciara Finally Releases A Good Song

Ciara drags the One Man Army era back from the brink of seemingly inevitable, Basic Instinct-sized failure with his best single since "Oh". It's good. Very good, in fact. "Got Me Good" is a nuclear-powered dance anthem with crisp production and a surprisingly sweet vocal. Think "Work" with a chorus. It kind of reminds me of Janet. You know when she used to whisper over heavy beats and actually sell records? Whoever convinced Cici to stop making music like this and release all those sleazy slow jams needs a bullet. This is the dude with the reed-thin voice I fell in love with growing up. All of a sudden I'm looking forward to his new album. "Sorry" was a nice ballad and "Sweat" kind of wore me down after the 217th listen when it finally becomes more than noise.

And then there's the video. Ciara uses those gigantic hands to snatch more wigs than RuPaul at a Halloween party. The desert location is a bit tired and his hair looks thirstier than Brandy's Two Eleven promo campaign but the choreography is flawless. I haven't seen a man dance like this since Chris Brown at the Grammys! Cici shakes the game to its very foundations with acrobatic dance moves and shows off her rock-hard abs in an outfit I'm pretty sure Toni Braxton wore in 1997. The clip stands out because it's been so long since someone just danced without resorting to silly gimmicks. I really hope "Got Me Good" is a hit. You know it would probably be an era-defining smash for someone more relevant - like Teairra Mari or Trina - but hopefully the Darkchild-produced club-banger can breathe some life into the former-hitmaker's stalled career.

9/10

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A Visual Representation Of Ricki-Lee's 'Fear & Freedom' Chart Run

Shame. I really like "Never Let Go" and "Raining Diamonds".

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