Country Queen Lisa Gail Allred's Latest Shocker/Masterpiece

"You're the one who makes me melt from the love that I have felt" chirps genius wordsmith Lisa Gail Allred on her breathtaking new single. "Coffee Or Tea" is the follow-up to "3 Second Rule" (AKA 2012's ultimate guilty pleasure) and delivers pretty much everything we've come to expect from the genre-defying Texan songbird. There are corny lyrics, a chorus that gets lodged in your brain like an extremely painful tumour and the most arresting vocals to assault your eardrums since those unautotuned Britney demos leaked. Needless to say, it's a hot mess of biblical proportions but Lisa's music has an undeniable sweetness about it that helps you overlook the crazy. Particularly if you ignore the video (below), which finds our heroine wandering around what appears to be her retirement village looking unmedicated. Who am I kidding? The new and improved Faith Hill rocks my world. Madonna wishes she was this relevant! Download "Coffee Or Tea" from iTunes today to make an old woman happy.

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Katie Price's Cross-dressing Ex Releases Single

Every time I think I've scraped the bottom of the pop trash barrel, along comes something even more tragic. Tonight's gem is the debut single from Jordan's cross-dressing Ex. Alex Reid re-defines hot mess. His career progression went something like this: Cage fighter > sexing Katie Price > famed transvestite > international embarrassment. Shake my fucking head. Anyway, the 36-year-old has extended his 15 minutes by releasing a song called "Stardust". His voice sounds worse than Cheryl Cole singing acapella but this isn't the aural rape I was expecting. A collaboration with Welsh producers Shelter, the harmless dance anthem boasts a sweet little chorus. If they had given it to someone less ridiculous, "Stardust" could have been a good record but even in its current state, I'm a reluctant fan. The video (below) is less successful. Alex looks like he's taken one too many blows to the head and the whole concept is unintentionally hilarious. On the bright side, this is probably the least shameful moment of the Brit's post-martial arts career.

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The Best Thing To Come Out Of Sweden - EVER!

Sweden and fine pop music go together like La Toya and publicity whoring, so it shouldn't surprise anyone that the best advertising jingle of all time has been penned for a Scandinavian weight loss product. Words can not express how obsessed I am with this mess. The clip has only racked up 1,000 views on YouTube and I'm sure at least half of them were me. It needs to be released as a single today! My favourite line? "It's loaded with minerals and electrolytes, so you can look great in those cute new tights!" RIP Saturdays. Those boring cunts could never.

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