The 25 Worst Singles Of 2012

Another night, another massive outpouring of shade. This time I'm revisiting the worst singles of 2012. And yes, it was difficult to narrow them down to just 25. In a year marked by generic production, pointless samples and terrible remixes - there really was a lot to choose from. Many of the usual suspects are present and accounted for but a couple of my faves dropped the ball as well. I tried to limit each artist to one appearance but a couple of them were repeat offenders and pop up multiple times. I'm looking forward to working on my 'best of' countdowns over the next few days. Reviewing all this bad music is starting to take a toll!

So here are the 25 worst singles of 2012:

25. C'mon Let Me Ride - Skylar Grey feat. Eminem (Video)

Poor Skylar. All that talent and her major label debut single is a humiliating song about riding Eminem's dick.

24. Timebomb - Kylie (Video)

I love Kylie but this is one of the worst singles of her glittering 25 year career. "Timebomb" is dated, boring and embarrassing. Let's just pretend it never happened.

23. Trouble - Leona Lewis (Video)

A shockingly obvious copy of Emeli Sandé's "Daddy" - only without the darkness, grit and catchy chorus.

22. Inndia - Inna (Video)

This dumb bitch must have been smoking the good stuff when she decided to release a song about how much her name sounds like India.

21. Wings - Little Mix (Video)

En Vogue called and want their act back.

20. Don't Stop The Party - Pitbull (Video)

You know, I can deal with Pitbull when he randomly shouts out a couple of city names and then says "dale!" on someone else's track but a whole song of his bullshit is harder to take than a 12" cock.

19. Give Me Your Luvin' - Madonna, Nicki Minaj and M.I.A (Video)

Did Madonna really think she'd get all the kids singing "L-U-V Madonna" just because she stuck a couple of desperate feature-creatures on her record? The level of delusion is truly galling.

18. She Wolf - David Guetta and Sia (Video)

Sia continues to sell her soul to satan with yet another low rent feature. As much as I hate David Guetta, "Titanium" was a triumph. This is just a fat South Australian wailing non-sensical gibberish about a she-wolf over tired beats that made me feel abused like a coffee machine in an office. Shakira fans will get that last reference!

17. That's What We Do - Ashanti (Video)

Why is this redundant bitch still trying?

16. 16 & Unstoppable - Christina Parie (Video)

I interviewed Christina and she was lovely. Which is why someone needs to tell her to enrol in TAFE next year and get a real job because the music thing ain't gonna happen.

15. Whistle - Flo Rida (Video)

Oral sex tips from the man who brought us "In The Ayer". Thanks. 

14. You Won't Let Me - Karise Eden (Video)

That frumpy chick from The Voice desperately wants to be Adele. Shame then that she's another Casey Donovan.

13. Best Of You - Anastacia (Video)

A washed-up cunt singing bad karaoke.

12. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)

This is too easy. Madonna still remembers when dinosaurs walked the earth. In which alternate universe is she considered a girl? Let it go, bitch. Lady Gaga already stole your gays and nobody else gives a shit.

11. Cockiness (I Love It) - Rihanna (Video)

Think Katy Perry's "Peacock" without the tongue-in-cheek humour or thinly veiled penis metaphors set to migraine-inducing generic beats. It sounds like the worst porn soundtrack ever.

10. I Luv Dem Strippers - 2 Chainz and Nicki Minaj (Video)

The title says it all.

9. Naked - Dev feat. Enrique Iglesias (Video)

I dare you to talk me through the appeal of Dev with a straight. The woman literally has nothing going for her. She can't sing, has no charisma and looks like she was beaten with the ugly stick more severely than Ed Sheeran. Even the presence of Enrique can't save this mess.

8. Gogostar - Valerio Pino (Video)

Sucking Ricky Martin's cock does not entitle you to embark on a pop career.

7. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)

Delta was let out of the stable long enough to record the worst Australian dance song of 2012. It was a good idea in theory - I like the Tommy Trash remix of "Believe Again" - but this is so self-conscious it hurts. Delta really thinks she's recording "Someone Like You" when she's really just picking up where Ricki-Lee left off.

6. Laserlight - Jessie J and David Guetta (Video)

Can this cunt just go away? Please?

5. Ice - Kelly Rowland and Lil Wayne (Video)

Nobody was here for Kelly's desperate "Motivation" sequel, which sounded like a Penthouse letter set to really, really bad music. The image of Kelly shoving ice cubes into her vagina has haunted my dreams ever since.

4. Scream & Shout - Britney and will.i.am (Video)

This sums up everything that is wrong with music in 2012. An abomination.

3. Starships - Nicki Minaj (Video)

How does Nicki still have a career after this song? It's worse than Pitbull's last 37 collaborations put together. I can't even enjoy the inherent camp appeal because Nicki is such a egotistical bitch that she probably thinks this is the new gold standard for pop, dance and R&B. Unforgivable.

2. Birthday Cake - Rihanna and Chris Brown (Video)

Because everyone wanted to hear Rihanna and Breezy sing about how much they enjoy fucking each other. And then there's the sheer THIRST. Why bother with this when they're capable of singing something respectable like "Nobody's Business"? Attention is the only reason I can think of.

1. On Top - Johnny Ruffo (below)

I have a high tolerance for crap. I really do. But everything about Johnny's debut just makes me cringe. The lyrics, his voice, the video - all painfully embarrassing. His follow-up was a lot better but the sheer shittiness of this record torpedoed his career before it even began. Thank god he scored a role on Home & Away because the music thing really didn't work out.

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 5

Another week, another outpouring of catty comments and general bitchiness. Yes, friends - it's time for another edition of Pop Panel! This time around I tried to feature a broader spectrum of pop. There's an Australian contingent, some Euro-pop, American superstars and more stunning K-pop divas. I'm pressed at the treatment some of my faves receive but I'm here for the winner, who attains the highest score thus far in Pop Panel 2012. It's not surprising because the song is flawless. Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following acid-tongued hoes:

Bobby (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Toya (UK) writer of Toya'z World

We are also joined by the following guest judge:

Adem Ali (Aus) writer of the amazing Adem With An E, diehard Madonna fan, Drag Race enthusiast and Geelong celebrity.

As usual the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Trey Songz – Heart Attack (above)

R&B god calls on Kelly Rowland to star in his video. So you know it has to be good.

Adem: Not even the aid of Queen Kellendria Trene Rowland in the video clip can save this song and MV from sounding not only like everything else playlisted on radio, it also sounds about 18 months too late. 0/5
Bobby: Chris Brown comparisons aside, this is like watching paint dry. Incredibly shit. 0/5
Jacques: This is so fucking middle-of-the-road nothingness and seeing K-Row in the music video just made me wish she was singing on the track too. 2/5 
Mike: You just know a song is gonna be massive when Kelly takes time out of her hectic hitmaking schedule to appear in the video. Right...? I love Trey's voice and appreciate Rico Love's 2008-all-over-again production. There just needs to be a remix featuring Tenitra for this to get full marks. 4/5
Robbie: Imagine if either of these two flops were relevant? 0/5
Toya: It's just there isn't it? Not horrible. Not amazing. Just a typical R&B album filler that does not feature him singing from his penis. I hope his next single slays me because this really isn't IT. 2/5
Total = 8/30

Rita Ora – How We Do (Party) (Video)

Rita is blowing up the charts in Europe with "RIP" but this is her US/Australian debut.

Adem: Urgh, this bitch pretending to be K$. Not here for your skanky minge Rita, sorry love. 0/5
Bobby: A vast improvement from her last single but I get the feeling I've heard this all before. Still, isn't Rita from Maida Vale. Where the hell did she get an American accent? Did she steal Madonna's? 3/5
Jacques: I just cannot with this Rihanna knock-off singing this hip-hop version of a Katy Perry B-side. Gay-Z need to stop trying to create these boring-as-fuck artists like Rita and Alexis Jordan and focus his energy on writing shady cheques to Z100 and Hot 97 so they'll spin Beyawnce's shitty records. 0/5 
Mike: Now this is better. I liked "RIP" but it was as dead inside as Britney Spears. "How We Do" is a big dumb party anthem with an epic chorus and cool sample. It doesn't exactly reinvent the wheel but the queen of Albanian pop needs a hit on the board before getting too experimental and this should do nicely. 3.5/5
Robbie: I'm all for three-dollar prostitutes getting off the streets and having success in the mainstream, but, at best, this sounds like a Willa Ford B-side from 2001. Actually, that would imply some merit to the song. It sounds more like a Lolene B-side from 2010. 0/5
Toya: Fun, carefree party track with a catchy sing-a-long chorus and some fun chants. At first I thought it could easily have been sung by Katy fucking Perry but after a few listens, you don't hear anyone but Ora. A bit generic. 3/5 
Total = 9.5/30 

Eric Saade Ft. Dev – Hotter Than Fire (Video)

Swedish hunk has remixed his latest single for the UK.

Adem: “And Eric Sa-ah-dae!” The song may not be as good as Saade's monumental "Popular" from last year and it may also include the slightly horrifying Dev but "Hotter Than Fire" actually goes alright. But can anyone explain to me why Dev looks like a slightly-femme mash-up of Stockard Channing and Tracey Thorn? 3/5

Bobby: I hate it when "pop stars" wear sunglasses in videos indoors. 3/5

Jacques: "She's hotter than fire"? How original. And my God, how many songs does Dev fucking feature on? Every week there's something new. I could understand it if she was actually any good, but she's got a voice that makes La Toya Jackson look like Celine Dion by comparison. DEVoid must give a really good blow job. 0/5 
Mike: Seriously, I won't stand for La Toya shade! I'm deducting points from Jacques' K-Pop selection as revenge. But back to Eric. The song is actually better than I expected given that this Swedish douche is utter shit and Dev is the least convincing pop "star" of all time. The video is awful and the lyrics make me want to laugh but I've heard a lot worse. 2.5/5
Robbie: Instead of shooting a kid out of her taco box, Dev should have just shoved Eric Saade up it. 1/5

Toya: Prince charming has the suave moves to make even the most shiteous electro-pop song tolerable. 2/5
Total = 11.5/30

Spiritus – Lisa Mitchell (Video)

Kooky ex-Australian Idol contestant is about to go on a tour of churches to promote her new spiritual EP.

Adem: Remember when Mitchell released that "Coin Laundry" single and everybody was pelting her with silver coins at gigs? Sadly none of that happens in this video but the song itself is not all that offensive even if it sounds like it should come from one of the cheap Lion King sequels that get released straight to DVD. Perhaps I'm still bitter about the abortion she operated on Blondie's "Heart Of Glass" for Australian Idol all those years ago? Whatever the reason, I am really not here for this. 1/5
Bobby: I love this so much. Delicious vocals with a lovely melody. I cant wait for the album! 5/5
Jacques: Lisa Mitchell is just somebody I can't help but hate. Her music makes drives me crazy. Not that I think it's bad or there's anything wrong with her. It just annoys the shit outta me. And I can't believe she's from my hometown, Albury! 1/5 
Mike: Lovely. "Spiritus" took a few listens to click for me - I prefer her quirky pop moments like "Neopolitan Dreams" and "Coin Laundry" - but this wafts over you like a cool breeze on a sunny day. I just wish the video was better. It's an embarrassing concept done badly and the styling is horrendous. Lisa looks like she just escaped from a Big W catalogue. 4/5
Robbie: So a bunch of hippies go into a field and have an orgy in the video, and this broad wants to do a tour where she performs at churches? May she be condemned to having Our Dark Lord Satan gnaw on her wicked lady cake for a century. 2/5
Toya: Lisa's voice is really angelic. Heavenly, even. I like how it nicely flows over that summery, tropical-influenced drum production. 3/5
Total = 16/30 

Flight Facilities Ft Grosvenor – With You (above)

Sydney duo get animated for latest clip.

Adem: This cruisy mid-tempo EDM ballad from Sydney's Flight Facilities is one of the better local releases of the year. Borrowing elements from Daft Punk and Hercules & Love Affair, Flight Facilities are on point with this twister of a French-House jam. 4/5

Bobby: The video is brilliant. The song required a second day to sort out the production. In love with the sparse electro synth feel but the vocals sound a little dodgy and the lyrics are dreadful. Shame. Needed another creative week in the studio to perfect it. Want the album though. 4/5
Jacques: At first I that this was lame, but then I started stanning as it progressed. I'm deducting points though for the fact that Dev isn't featured. 2/5
Mike: Effortlessly cool synth-pop anthem that taps into French house without sounding contrived or desperate. I just have issues with vocal - courtesy of the lead singer from Hot Chip. His voice doesn't suit the genre and the chorus falls flatter than Rihanna's chest. Almost there. 3/5
Robbie: I'm used to people throwing themselves at me because they want in my pants, so I totally relate to this song. 4/5
Toya: I don't like the vocal but this lighthearted, pop electronic goodness would make a pretty awesome instrumental. Great bassline! 3/5
Total = 20/30  
 

Gangkiz – Honey Honey (Video)

Korea's trashiest girlband unleash 7 minute debut video. That noone can understand.

Adem: Korea's Gangkiz hang out in the diner from Spiceworld: The Movie in their seven minute video for "Honey Honey", a song that wouldn't sound too out of place on an album by In-Grid or Alexia. It's very euro, and I guess the clip is very euro too because I've watched it three times now and still don't understand what exactly happened. I'm fairly sure the girls bukkake the poor man at 5 minutes 12 seconds with water guns. Is that what they're doing? 4/5
Bobby: Points for originality and oddity. Sounds somewhat like an extended dub mix of a Betty Boo cut from her much adored 2nd studio album. Goes on a bit but that's the point. I hope. 4/5
Jacques: This is the biggest trash ever. A Euro-pop club anthem that knocks off T-ara and features a lesbian-themed video that makes no sense and runs way too long. Stunning! 5/5 
Mike: I'm with Toya as far as the song is concerned. It's not very good and makes me pine for edgy K-Pop girlbands like INY. However, I'm obsessed with the video. Think the worst Asian sex worker documentary ever to grace SBS and you'll know what to expect. Having said all that, they are better than T-ara and I like the fact that it's so Euro. 3/5
Robbie: This is amazing on 37 different levels — not the least of which is that I *still* can't figure out how these dudes tuck their cocks so well. 4/5
Toya: Horrible song. With a shit name like that, how can anyone take these K-pop tarts seriously? They deserve to be blacklisted. As far as I'm concerned,  if they can't be arsed to subtitle a boring 7-minute video, why should anyone give them the time of day? 1/5 
Total = 21/30 

Clark Owen Feat. Lena Katina – Melody (Video)

That Russian chick from t.A.T.u. is back to voice a generic club anthem.

Adem: Mindless vocal trance with Lena off-of the t.A.T.u. serves as the best track on Pop Panel this round. There's nothing incredibly groundbreaking about it, although when you're giving us Amyl-Nitrate-Realness who cares if it's groundbreaking. 5/5

Bobby: Although Tina Cousins will be pissed Lena has stolen her schtick, I can't help but love this. Lena, if you continue to release music like this you might become a star worth watching. I love how she sounds like Geri Halliwell on the verses. For this reason alone this gets full marks. 5/5
Jacques: This is such a cheap flop but I love it. Lena Katina is the new Kween of the Clubs and you haters will deal! 4/5 
Mike: Who knew that Yulia was the one with all the talent? Lena has the vocal prowess of Cheryl Cole and the sex appeal of Dev but I'd dance to this bogus trance anthem after a couple of drinks (laced with G). 3.5/5
Robbie: Only sexy people should be allowed near a flip cam or a recording studio. 2/5
Toya: Lena from Tatu? Wow. It's been a while. The track? A common electronic/dance song with repetitive sounds. Nothing new or noticeable. It would benefit slightly with a bigger, spunkier chorus. At best, it's a grower. 2/5 
Total = 21.5/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK 

Kate Miller-Heidke – I’ll Change Your Mind (below)

Australian indie-pop diva gets bloody in the video for her stalker anthem.

Adem: This flawless stalker-anthem now comes complete with a bonza-bonkers video clip and Miller-Heidke looking more like a pop star than she ever has. Great song, great video, excellent lady. 4/5

Bobby: Natalie Imbruglia wants her bonus Dutch track back. 4/5
Jacques: I can relate to this more than I'd like to... 3.5/5 
Mike: Kate Miller-Heidke did the double this week. She somehow succeeded in making QANDA watchable and called Anthony Callea a fuckwit on Twitter. For those stunning achievements I would have given her full marks regardless of the song but "I'll Change Your Mind" is her best single since "Last Day On Earth". The lyrics cut close to home and she looks absolutely gorgeous in the demented video. This is what Marina wanted Electra Heart to sound like but couldn't quite pull off. 5/5
Robbie: This song strangely doesn't suck as bad as every single other one on the Pop Panel this time around. I actually like this quirky ho and her creepy co-dependent jam. She looks like Madonna circa 1992, after getting dipped in a vat full of skank sauce (so basically, Madonna, period). When she stabs herself, it makes me think of pussy. 5/5
Toya: I like this stalker anthem and that video is morbidly interesting. I hope it doesn't give any mentally unstable chicks still pining over their exes any ideas. 3/5
Total = 24.5/30 
 

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 2

After last week's not entirely disastrous return, I've decided to revive Pop Panel on a fortnightly basis. Every second Sunday there will be a new battle to determine the best track currently making the rounds online. This week's winner was well-deserved but let's face facts. A certain senorita was robbed and there will be hell to pay! On the bright side, there is some next level gay-bitching this time around and the outcome offers further proof that fine pop music transcends race and language. Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following regulars:

Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet

We are also joined by the following judges:

Toya (UK) writer of Toya'z World

This blog icon needs no introduction. Toya's site is the place to visit for all the tea on your urban faves. Welcome!

and

Justina (US) - rising rap superstar and confectionery enthusiast

I'm excited to introduce Justina - our first celebrity judge of 2012. This New Jersey-born MC was recently signed to Universal and is gearing up to release her first mixtape Route 80. I fell in love with her super-catchy new single "Bubble Gum" (below) and think she brings something fresh and exciting to the game. Learn more about the hottest new rap chick on the block here.

The results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Dev (feat. Enrique Iglesias) – Naked (Video)

The basic bitch from "Like A G6" somehow hooks up with Enrique on her latest single.

Jacques: Dev 'sings' "You've got a girl that doesn't look a thing like me." Um duh, that's because you look like a damn tranny. Poor DEVoid looked cute in some of her other videos, but whoever styled her here deserves to be shot through the peehole. It also doesn't help that this flaccid pindick of a song is total shit. It's like an even crapper version of Enrique's lame collabo with Flopzinger "Heartbeat". Not even my Latin lover's good looks can save this monotonous mess. 0/5
Justina: I think this is a good song. Good production, writing etc. Enrique Iglesias is smokin' hot. Dev really lucked out with the people she linked up with. I think she is moderately talented and not at all cute. 4/5
Mike: How does this pointless piece of electro-pop roadkill even have a record deal - let alone work with producers like Timbaland and nab Enrique to appear on her latest flop? Something in the milk ain't clean! 1/5
Robbie: Sucks shit at epic proportions. 0/5
Toya: I was first introduced to Dev last year when she appeared on a JLS single, not even realising she was the vocal behind the smash hit "Like a G6". Call me sexist but I'll watch any video with Enrique Iglesias in it. So imagine my disappointment that there were no sex scene or making out activity going on. Isn't that a first for Enrique? Not to make out with his female co-star? It was needed to distract from the generic, Europop-inspired club beat. And bear in mind, the song is called "Naked" too. But yet, there is no shredding of clothes. The video was crispier and drier than a woman's vagina after its owner encountered a strip tease from Rick Ross. 2/5
Total: 7/25

Roxette – It's Possible (Video)

Swedish pop legends return - much to the delight of your parents!

Jacques: Dead @ Roxette making a comeback. Their music reminds me too much of the boring pub mother used to drag me to as a child while she drank, so I'm giving this a fail score for bad memories alone. 1/5
Justina: This was my favorite song of them all. Super funky. I was groovin' to this one heavy! 5/5
Mike: Damn. Per and Marie requisitioned the Vengabus and went for a joyride. Geddit? 3.5/5
Robbie: Out of the two albums Roxette have released in the past two years, this and "Speak To Me" are probably the best single to emerge. That said, something about Per's vocals are slightly grating here. 2.5/5
Toya: I'm not a fan of tour visuals (boring) and despite the obviously computer-generated backdrop, they delivered a fun and quirky visionary. These guys have been around since forever and by delivering their trademark pop-rock, laced with some punk and modernised rock 'n' roll, they're really sticking to what's true to them. 3/5
Total: 15/25

Bim – Scream (Video)

One of those acts you see on Pop Justice and other flop sites.

Jacques: Oh look, it's a less lame version of The Ting Tings. I bet that old queen that runs Popjustice and Keith Caulfield from Billboard are both fisting themselves to this song. With that said, I kinda like it too, and I'll give it an extra half a point for the band name rhyming with RIM. 3.5/5
Justina: The song was cool. Video was ok. My attention got lost by the bridge. 3/5
Mike: This hot bitch needs to ditch the dude and go solo! His contribution drags an otherwise lovely piece of English electro-pop down the dumper. 2.5/5
Robbie: Sounds like what happens when Ellie Goulding straddles a keyboard and rides it down the stairs. 4/5
Toya: Yawnfest. The video looks like a cheap experiment for a university media assignment. I'm shocked I've never heard of them as I'm well versed on the British chart scene (I'm f*cking British myself for crying out loud). Maybe I just didn't care enough to explore their brand of indie electropop. Next. 1/5
Total: 15/25

Timomatic – If Looks Could Kill (Video)

Currently Australia's hottest male pop star. This is the follow-up to the three-times platinum smash "Set It off".

Jacques: It's so embarrassign when irrelevant countries like Australia try to launch local versions of flops like Taio Cruz. Timomatic's two singles are better than most of Taio's recent output though, and the big black queen can dance, so that has to count for something. 3/5
Justina: This shit right hurr was HOT. He's like the Aussie Breezy! 5/5
Mike: A shining example of the urban-dance genre done right. The nuclear-powered chorus is perfection and DNA's slick production gives it international appeal. 5/5
Robbie: So Australia has its very own Taio Cruz drag queen? 0/5
Toya: This dude looks like he could very well be Australia's answer to a second rate Usher, at least Usher during his dancepop phase? Then I saw all the acrobatics and he reminded me of Chris Brown as well. I'd definitely say he's a nice balance between the two. There's a nice R&B tone to his voice but he's not doing anything that hasn't been done before elsewhere. I've seen better. 2.5/5
Total: 15.5/25

Soraya - I Believe (Video)

Spain's Queen of pop has a song on the Mirror Mirror soundtrack.

Jacques: Now I know why Mike stans for this trick! This is a stunning anthem. I can't believe that I had to re-rate this though after the flop panel judges from the last round all 'forgot' to rate it. I guess they knew that Soraya would snatch their fave's wig, so a few bad eggs got together and went on strike. #Shady 4/5
Justina: I'm lost. Was it a cover or her original? It seems some other people also sing it? 2/5
Mike: Soraya te amo! Tu musica es la mejor y tu bella cara me la pone dura. Vamos a casarnos y nos mudamos a Extremadura! Tambien va por tu novio tan sexy. 5/5
Robbie: I believe this song is probably 50 times better than the flop movie Mirror Mirror it's tied in with. 4/5
Toya: Spanglish pop doesn't do much for me at all as a genre of music but this one is insanely catchy. The video? Not much can be said. It's just clips from Julia Roberts 'Mirror Mirror' movie interspersed with that of music video footage made from cardboard backgrounds. A recession budget at its pure finest. 2/5
Total: 17/25

The Jezabels – Rosebud (Video)

Australian indie darlings are hoping to take the UK by storm with the latest single from Prisoner.

Jacques: I wanted to trash this because I know Mike loves The Jezabels and I felt like being pointlessly spiteful today, but I can't resist the 80s realness that this amazing song is giving me. Sadly, I need to deduct a few points because there's a VEVO ad promoting The Shaturdays latest stinker "30 Turds" directly below the "Rosebud" video. 2/5
Justina: This song was cool... very throwback-y and old school. I liked the song better than the video. The video got a little draggy for me. 3/5
Mike: Fuck you, Jacques! I'll get my revenge next week. You're clearly pressed that The Jezagods are global icons while ya faves are miming for small change in Korea! Shame about the ratchet video though. 4.5/5
Robbie: While normally I'd chuck a band going for an '80s/early '90s sound out the window, The Jezabels are fantastic, front diva Hayley Mary is a goddess and "Rosebud" is a fucking jam. 5/5
Toya: This video is not the most original one ever and it looks very dated and cheap but it does match the overall tone and nostalgic vibe of the song. I think the vintage feel was an intended concept. "Rosebud" isn't just your typical '80s sounding pop-rock track. It is one that exhibits an essence of intoxication. Solid. 3/5
Total: 17.5/25

Toni Braxton – I Heart You (Video)

'90s R&B icon goes dance on her first independent release.

Jacques: Who the fuck would have thought that Toni Braxton would release one of the best dance songs of the year? It's so dated, but in the absolute best way possible. This is the bomb.com! 5/5
Justina: I like Toni, but I didn't love this. The video looked like a soft porn at first... never really got into it. She looks much better with long hair and without the lamp shade on her head. "Unbreak My Heart" was the jam. 3/5
Mike: Tamar's slightly more successful sister is hoping to keep the creditors at bay by angling for the pink dollar with the year's most desperate and dated dance anthem. It goes without saying that I fucking love it. 4/5
Robbie: The only thing not retro about this desperate trash is Toni's new face. 2/5
Toya: I love Toni. When I heard this I was indifferent about the production but now I just love it. I wasn't totally thrilled at first because it seemed she was just doing what a lot of R&B acts are doing now - jumping on the ever popular dancepop bandwagon. But she's made the transition from R&B legend to classy dance diva very well. The video was absolute garbage, but at least the male lead was drool-worthy. I’m totally slayed by her vocals more than anything. Just listen to that flawless intro. I need that in my life in full ballad form. 4/5
Total: 18/25

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

SHINee – Sherlock (below)

New stuff from one of Asia's biggest boybands.

Jacques: Fucking amazing. This is like The Jackson 5 through the eyes of Diplo. And Jonghyun and Key are so hot, I want an all-bottom threesome with them where we just eat each others asses for hours on end but nobody actually fucks each other. 5/5
Justina: I was confused by this song because I think they were singing the words "I'm so curious, yea" in the hook and then ad-libbing in English at the end... but the rest was in Chinese?! And the one dude was really pretty, he has the same exact haircut as me. I definitely thought he was a chick at first. But I digress... I see that the song definitely has huge pop potential and I could see teeny boppers who can understand what they're saying loving it... So I'll say. 4/5
Mike: I just can't with Taemin's hair. Ami Suzuki called and wants her look back! Apart from that glaring fashion faux-pas, SHINee's latest incarnation is pretty exciting. I love the sonic clash of Motown influences and ultra-modern electro-beats. It doesn't quite work but at least they're experimenting with new sounds unlike their flop English counterparts. 4/5
Robbie: My Korean friend (who, for the record, has a dog is named SHINee) clued me in to "Sherlock" recently. I've heard better from this pack of twinkletz, but I'm so curious, anyway. 4/5
Toya: The production and vocal arrangement is like a retro Michael Jackson circa 1990s. A very dated sound. And you can even say they were tributing him with that choreography as well. I laughed at some of their execution. They certainly get bonus points for entertainment value. I don't find them sexy at all and their overall style is the epitome of straight up corny. 2/5
Total: 19/25

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