Kate Ryan On The Pop Panel

Sunday night's Pop Panel was a lot of fun but there was something missing. A few days earlier I had invited Kate Ryan to take part but didn't hear back from her in time and just assumed the pop icon was too busy. Imagine my surprise when I found her votes in my inbox this morning. And what amazing commentary! Belgium's third most famous export after chocolate and sex offenders is a natural. She says exactly what she thinks and isn't afraid to throw some shade. I shouldn't be surprised. After all, I only got to know Kate after she dragged me up and down Twitter for this post. Could your fave? Since then, we've become cyber lovers. I stan for the dance diva's duet with Charlotte Perrelli and I'm really excited about her upcoming Electroshock album. The first two singles have been great but the latest cut is even better. "Robots" finds Kate moving in a sexy new direction. I love everything about it and the video (below) is a revelation. It's like a cross between Kylie's "Wow" and Lady Gaga's "LoveGame" - only with more class and style! Now  brace yourself for Kate's stunning pop analysis.

Spiritus – Lisa Mitchell (Video)

Kooky ex-Australian Idol contestant is about to go on a tour of churches to promote her new spiritual EP.

Nothing special. Reminds me of a similar ex-Belgian Idol winner Kato. Check out her clip. 2/5

Eric Saade Ft. Dev – Hotter Than Fire (Video)

Swedish hunk has remixed his latest single for the UK.

This will not stand out anywhere I'm afraid. I also don't like Dev's look in this video. She's too plain. And what's up with announcing each other at the start of every collab? That's so 2010! 2/5

Rita Ora – How We Do (Party) (Video)

Rita is blowing up the charts in Europe with "RIP" but this is her US/Australian debut.

I absolutely loved "RIP", especially the pre-chorus "can you-ou-ou-ou fee-hee-hee-hee-eeel". This one is a decent pop song trying to hide in a "bad girl" video. 2/5

Kate Miller-Heidke – I’ll Change Your Mind (video)

Australian indie-pop diva gets bloody in the video for her stalker anthem.

Video = 5/5. Well done Kate! Cool video. Song = 3/5. Production + mix =  0/5. Sorry!  


Trey Songz – Heart Attack (video)

R&B god calls on Kelly Rowland to star in his video. So you know it has to be good.
 
The world needs more R&B instead of those Americans wanting to make dance! 4/5

Clark Owen Feat. Lena Katina – Melody (Video)

That Russian chick from t.A.T.u. is back to voice a generic club anthem.

Decent '90s Eurotrance. All those sounds are now being used in the new urban productions. Good for them to still release "original style". 4/5

Flight Facilities Ft Grosvenor – With You (video)

Sydney duo get animated for latest clip.

Love it ! Great vibe to it. Reminds me of chilling out on the beach in Ibiza after a wild night. Well done, wanna work with them! 5/5

Kate's Single Of The Week

Gangkiz – Honey Honey (Video)

Korea's trashiest girlband unleash 7 minute debut video. That noone can understand.

Love IT! Disco, kitsch, glam all the way. Go girls! Korean Bananarama! 5/5
 

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 5

Another week, another outpouring of catty comments and general bitchiness. Yes, friends - it's time for another edition of Pop Panel! This time around I tried to feature a broader spectrum of pop. There's an Australian contingent, some Euro-pop, American superstars and more stunning K-pop divas. I'm pressed at the treatment some of my faves receive but I'm here for the winner, who attains the highest score thus far in Pop Panel 2012. It's not surprising because the song is flawless. Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following acid-tongued hoes:

Bobby (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Toya (UK) writer of Toya'z World

We are also joined by the following guest judge:

Adem Ali (Aus) writer of the amazing Adem With An E, diehard Madonna fan, Drag Race enthusiast and Geelong celebrity.

As usual the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Trey Songz – Heart Attack (above)

R&B god calls on Kelly Rowland to star in his video. So you know it has to be good.

Adem: Not even the aid of Queen Kellendria Trene Rowland in the video clip can save this song and MV from sounding not only like everything else playlisted on radio, it also sounds about 18 months too late. 0/5
Bobby: Chris Brown comparisons aside, this is like watching paint dry. Incredibly shit. 0/5
Jacques: This is so fucking middle-of-the-road nothingness and seeing K-Row in the music video just made me wish she was singing on the track too. 2/5 
Mike: You just know a song is gonna be massive when Kelly takes time out of her hectic hitmaking schedule to appear in the video. Right...? I love Trey's voice and appreciate Rico Love's 2008-all-over-again production. There just needs to be a remix featuring Tenitra for this to get full marks. 4/5
Robbie: Imagine if either of these two flops were relevant? 0/5
Toya: It's just there isn't it? Not horrible. Not amazing. Just a typical R&B album filler that does not feature him singing from his penis. I hope his next single slays me because this really isn't IT. 2/5
Total = 8/30

Rita Ora – How We Do (Party) (Video)

Rita is blowing up the charts in Europe with "RIP" but this is her US/Australian debut.

Adem: Urgh, this bitch pretending to be K$. Not here for your skanky minge Rita, sorry love. 0/5
Bobby: A vast improvement from her last single but I get the feeling I've heard this all before. Still, isn't Rita from Maida Vale. Where the hell did she get an American accent? Did she steal Madonna's? 3/5
Jacques: I just cannot with this Rihanna knock-off singing this hip-hop version of a Katy Perry B-side. Gay-Z need to stop trying to create these boring-as-fuck artists like Rita and Alexis Jordan and focus his energy on writing shady cheques to Z100 and Hot 97 so they'll spin Beyawnce's shitty records. 0/5 
Mike: Now this is better. I liked "RIP" but it was as dead inside as Britney Spears. "How We Do" is a big dumb party anthem with an epic chorus and cool sample. It doesn't exactly reinvent the wheel but the queen of Albanian pop needs a hit on the board before getting too experimental and this should do nicely. 3.5/5
Robbie: I'm all for three-dollar prostitutes getting off the streets and having success in the mainstream, but, at best, this sounds like a Willa Ford B-side from 2001. Actually, that would imply some merit to the song. It sounds more like a Lolene B-side from 2010. 0/5
Toya: Fun, carefree party track with a catchy sing-a-long chorus and some fun chants. At first I thought it could easily have been sung by Katy fucking Perry but after a few listens, you don't hear anyone but Ora. A bit generic. 3/5 
Total = 9.5/30 

Eric Saade Ft. Dev – Hotter Than Fire (Video)

Swedish hunk has remixed his latest single for the UK.

Adem: “And Eric Sa-ah-dae!” The song may not be as good as Saade's monumental "Popular" from last year and it may also include the slightly horrifying Dev but "Hotter Than Fire" actually goes alright. But can anyone explain to me why Dev looks like a slightly-femme mash-up of Stockard Channing and Tracey Thorn? 3/5

Bobby: I hate it when "pop stars" wear sunglasses in videos indoors. 3/5

Jacques: "She's hotter than fire"? How original. And my God, how many songs does Dev fucking feature on? Every week there's something new. I could understand it if she was actually any good, but she's got a voice that makes La Toya Jackson look like Celine Dion by comparison. DEVoid must give a really good blow job. 0/5 
Mike: Seriously, I won't stand for La Toya shade! I'm deducting points from Jacques' K-Pop selection as revenge. But back to Eric. The song is actually better than I expected given that this Swedish douche is utter shit and Dev is the least convincing pop "star" of all time. The video is awful and the lyrics make me want to laugh but I've heard a lot worse. 2.5/5
Robbie: Instead of shooting a kid out of her taco box, Dev should have just shoved Eric Saade up it. 1/5

Toya: Prince charming has the suave moves to make even the most shiteous electro-pop song tolerable. 2/5
Total = 11.5/30

Spiritus – Lisa Mitchell (Video)

Kooky ex-Australian Idol contestant is about to go on a tour of churches to promote her new spiritual EP.

Adem: Remember when Mitchell released that "Coin Laundry" single and everybody was pelting her with silver coins at gigs? Sadly none of that happens in this video but the song itself is not all that offensive even if it sounds like it should come from one of the cheap Lion King sequels that get released straight to DVD. Perhaps I'm still bitter about the abortion she operated on Blondie's "Heart Of Glass" for Australian Idol all those years ago? Whatever the reason, I am really not here for this. 1/5
Bobby: I love this so much. Delicious vocals with a lovely melody. I cant wait for the album! 5/5
Jacques: Lisa Mitchell is just somebody I can't help but hate. Her music makes drives me crazy. Not that I think it's bad or there's anything wrong with her. It just annoys the shit outta me. And I can't believe she's from my hometown, Albury! 1/5 
Mike: Lovely. "Spiritus" took a few listens to click for me - I prefer her quirky pop moments like "Neopolitan Dreams" and "Coin Laundry" - but this wafts over you like a cool breeze on a sunny day. I just wish the video was better. It's an embarrassing concept done badly and the styling is horrendous. Lisa looks like she just escaped from a Big W catalogue. 4/5
Robbie: So a bunch of hippies go into a field and have an orgy in the video, and this broad wants to do a tour where she performs at churches? May she be condemned to having Our Dark Lord Satan gnaw on her wicked lady cake for a century. 2/5
Toya: Lisa's voice is really angelic. Heavenly, even. I like how it nicely flows over that summery, tropical-influenced drum production. 3/5
Total = 16/30 

Flight Facilities Ft Grosvenor – With You (above)

Sydney duo get animated for latest clip.

Adem: This cruisy mid-tempo EDM ballad from Sydney's Flight Facilities is one of the better local releases of the year. Borrowing elements from Daft Punk and Hercules & Love Affair, Flight Facilities are on point with this twister of a French-House jam. 4/5

Bobby: The video is brilliant. The song required a second day to sort out the production. In love with the sparse electro synth feel but the vocals sound a little dodgy and the lyrics are dreadful. Shame. Needed another creative week in the studio to perfect it. Want the album though. 4/5
Jacques: At first I that this was lame, but then I started stanning as it progressed. I'm deducting points though for the fact that Dev isn't featured. 2/5
Mike: Effortlessly cool synth-pop anthem that taps into French house without sounding contrived or desperate. I just have issues with vocal - courtesy of the lead singer from Hot Chip. His voice doesn't suit the genre and the chorus falls flatter than Rihanna's chest. Almost there. 3/5
Robbie: I'm used to people throwing themselves at me because they want in my pants, so I totally relate to this song. 4/5
Toya: I don't like the vocal but this lighthearted, pop electronic goodness would make a pretty awesome instrumental. Great bassline! 3/5
Total = 20/30  
 

Gangkiz – Honey Honey (Video)

Korea's trashiest girlband unleash 7 minute debut video. That noone can understand.

Adem: Korea's Gangkiz hang out in the diner from Spiceworld: The Movie in their seven minute video for "Honey Honey", a song that wouldn't sound too out of place on an album by In-Grid or Alexia. It's very euro, and I guess the clip is very euro too because I've watched it three times now and still don't understand what exactly happened. I'm fairly sure the girls bukkake the poor man at 5 minutes 12 seconds with water guns. Is that what they're doing? 4/5
Bobby: Points for originality and oddity. Sounds somewhat like an extended dub mix of a Betty Boo cut from her much adored 2nd studio album. Goes on a bit but that's the point. I hope. 4/5
Jacques: This is the biggest trash ever. A Euro-pop club anthem that knocks off T-ara and features a lesbian-themed video that makes no sense and runs way too long. Stunning! 5/5 
Mike: I'm with Toya as far as the song is concerned. It's not very good and makes me pine for edgy K-Pop girlbands like INY. However, I'm obsessed with the video. Think the worst Asian sex worker documentary ever to grace SBS and you'll know what to expect. Having said all that, they are better than T-ara and I like the fact that it's so Euro. 3/5
Robbie: This is amazing on 37 different levels — not the least of which is that I *still* can't figure out how these dudes tuck their cocks so well. 4/5
Toya: Horrible song. With a shit name like that, how can anyone take these K-pop tarts seriously? They deserve to be blacklisted. As far as I'm concerned,  if they can't be arsed to subtitle a boring 7-minute video, why should anyone give them the time of day? 1/5 
Total = 21/30 

Clark Owen Feat. Lena Katina – Melody (Video)

That Russian chick from t.A.T.u. is back to voice a generic club anthem.

Adem: Mindless vocal trance with Lena off-of the t.A.T.u. serves as the best track on Pop Panel this round. There's nothing incredibly groundbreaking about it, although when you're giving us Amyl-Nitrate-Realness who cares if it's groundbreaking. 5/5

Bobby: Although Tina Cousins will be pissed Lena has stolen her schtick, I can't help but love this. Lena, if you continue to release music like this you might become a star worth watching. I love how she sounds like Geri Halliwell on the verses. For this reason alone this gets full marks. 5/5
Jacques: This is such a cheap flop but I love it. Lena Katina is the new Kween of the Clubs and you haters will deal! 4/5 
Mike: Who knew that Yulia was the one with all the talent? Lena has the vocal prowess of Cheryl Cole and the sex appeal of Dev but I'd dance to this bogus trance anthem after a couple of drinks (laced with G). 3.5/5
Robbie: Only sexy people should be allowed near a flip cam or a recording studio. 2/5
Toya: Lena from Tatu? Wow. It's been a while. The track? A common electronic/dance song with repetitive sounds. Nothing new or noticeable. It would benefit slightly with a bigger, spunkier chorus. At best, it's a grower. 2/5 
Total = 21.5/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK 

Kate Miller-Heidke – I’ll Change Your Mind (below)

Australian indie-pop diva gets bloody in the video for her stalker anthem.

Adem: This flawless stalker-anthem now comes complete with a bonza-bonkers video clip and Miller-Heidke looking more like a pop star than she ever has. Great song, great video, excellent lady. 4/5

Bobby: Natalie Imbruglia wants her bonus Dutch track back. 4/5
Jacques: I can relate to this more than I'd like to... 3.5/5 
Mike: Kate Miller-Heidke did the double this week. She somehow succeeded in making QANDA watchable and called Anthony Callea a fuckwit on Twitter. For those stunning achievements I would have given her full marks regardless of the song but "I'll Change Your Mind" is her best single since "Last Day On Earth". The lyrics cut close to home and she looks absolutely gorgeous in the demented video. This is what Marina wanted Electra Heart to sound like but couldn't quite pull off. 5/5
Robbie: This song strangely doesn't suck as bad as every single other one on the Pop Panel this time around. I actually like this quirky ho and her creepy co-dependent jam. She looks like Madonna circa 1992, after getting dipped in a vat full of skank sauce (so basically, Madonna, period). When she stabs herself, it makes me think of pussy. 5/5
Toya: I like this stalker anthem and that video is morbidly interesting. I hope it doesn't give any mentally unstable chicks still pining over their exes any ideas. 3/5
Total = 24.5/30 
 

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 4

Sorry if this week's Pop Panel is an Adele-sized mess. I've been crazy busy, so it was pulled together faster than Rihanna's last album. And while it's a bare-bones edition, the judges are in fine form and I threw in a few extra songs. As for the winner, I'm pleased. It's a great song but I'm sure you'll agree - after hearing and seeing the runner-up's genre-defining smash - that someone was robbed. Typical! Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following regulars:

Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Stephen (US) writer of The Middle Eight

We are also joined by the following guest judge:

David Lim (Aus) writer of the amazing Feed Limmy, radio host and aspiring electro-pop diva!

As usual the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Valerio Pino – GogoStar (Above)

This dude fucked Ricky Martin and hosts a modelling show in Spain.  

David: "Welcome to my body, I'm a GogoStar!" Bitch, I was robbed. This should've been my single. Get me my pocketbook, I'm outta here. 1/5 
Jacques: Finally, some class on the Pop Panel. This should be an easy 5/5, but the diamond underwear in the video didn't accentuate Valerio's pino enough. What's he trying to hide? Is he not livin' la vida loca downstairs where it counts? Poor Ricky Martin wouldn't have felt anything when that little Frankfurt entered his cavernous asshole. 4/5
Mike: Trash is my oxygen but this stinking piece of excrement is quite possibly the worst song of all time. 0/5 
Robbie: Talent. 0/5 
Stephen: I can't. Anything else I say will just get me drummed off the interwebs. 0/5 
Total: 5/25  

Willow Smith - Do It Like Me (Rockstar) (Video)

Pre-teen pop tart unveils the 17th single from her most likely never-to-be-released album.  

David: You know this shit is old news when you're watching a Willow Smith video and thinking, God she was so young then! Why isn't there already a mixtape available with every Happy Meal purchase? Her team is taking this project way too seriously. Let's be real. This caca ain't 4. 2/5 
Jacques: As if it isn't enough that the world is forced to sit through Will Smith's terrible movies, now we have to listen to his spoiled brat of a daughter trying to sing. I'd rather insert a placenta into my asshole than listen to another Willow Smith song again. Somebody needs to take Will, his kids, and his lesbonic beard of a wife, stick them in a plane, and then crash it into the World Trade Center. 0/5 
Mike: This song would have been perfect for Talk That Talk - ie. instantly forgettable and utterly generic. I guess it's time for Willow to fuck off now. 2/5 
Robbie: She hasn't retired yet? I would have assumed her massively successful but exhausting career would have taken its inevitable toll by now. This isn't awful. But it would probably get more attention, at least, if it was called "Do Me Like A (Rock Star)". Too edgy, perhaps? 2.5/5 
Stephen: She did this on her spring break? Why is a ten year old imitating Nona Hendrix? (that dates me, I know). I wonder if lil Willow's next single will be the "Love Theme From Men In Black"? Her daddy should feel bad, making her the youngest one hit wonder ever. 0/5 
Total: 6.5/25

Amel Bent – Délit (Video)

French R&B diva unveils latest single.  

David: Fuck me with a warm baguette. I thought that was Mel B stepping out in the video! I really enjoy mama's raspy vocal tones but am not wet for the "Broken-Hearted Girl" slash "Yesterday" productions. It's a little two years too late. 2/5 
Jacques: Somebody tried to get me to post this crackhead French flop on my blog a while back, and I was like HAIL NO. Songs like this prove why the only relevant French diva in the game right now is the iconic Ysa Ferrer! 1/5 
Mike: Don't pay any attention to these bitchy bottoms. It's clear that their Amel hatred stems from the fact that they're all racist! As for "Délit", it's lovely. She has a great voice and I'm still a fan of the Rico Love circa 2008 R&B synth-ballad. Now, where is her sure-to-be-stunning album? 4/5 
Robbie: I wanted to like this, but it's pretty much pussy. Maybe if she straddled one of the flaming piano legs it would resonate more with the masses? Fuck, I need a drink. 1/5 
Stephen: I kept waiting for the bit where she gets smashed by the lighting rig. Alas she didn't and this was a waste of the precious Saturday night time I usually spend cutting my toenails. 0/5 
Total: 8/25  

Jay Brannan – Beautifully (Video)

Since his frequently nude appearance in Shortbus, Jay has been focusing on music.  

David: Jay Brannan is probably the only gay musician I have "classy" and "romantic" sex dreams about. I don't even go there with Darren Hayes, y'all. Jay's proven himself to be a bankable, "intimate" acoustic performer over the years. All he needs now is a song placement on a TV show. 2/5 
Jacques: Anybody who starred in that pretentious piece of shit Shortbus gets a zero from me. 0/5 
Mike: I agree with Limmy. Jay is just a song on Grey's Anatomy away from a much-deserved commercial breakthrough. Despite the occasional dodgy lyric, "Beautifully" is very sweet in a Jason Mraz kind of way. Nice video too. 3.5/5 
Robbie: Sorry, Valerio - this is how I like my gay singers: fragile and tortured. Fuck happy and sexy. 3.5/5
Stephen: He's grammatically challenged, but pretty. Still, who releases a single with the line, "Every time she comes she cries" and expects it to get any play? Actually, though, there is an instrumental part on this track (at 2:35) that's quite lovely. 3/5 
Total: 12/25  

Rihanna – Where Have You Been (Video)

Rih-cycle's latest flop.  

David: The only Talk That Talk song I've kept on repeat since the beginning. The beats are slamming, so don't none of you power bottoms lie to me and say you haven't been strutting to this too. 4/5 
Jacques: I like this song, but every time I hear it I just think of it as the less flawless "We Found Love". 3/5
Mike: I feel sorry for the Navy. I can't imagine stanning for someone as creatively (and morally) bankrupt as the Rihammerhead shark. Take this generic piece of shit. In two years it will be sound more dated than your average Captain & Tenille track. But that's what Riri's about - disposable music for the iTunes generation. Meanwhile Beyoncé is single-handedly revolutionising R&B with timeless classics. She wins. Bye! 0/5 
Robbie: Other than "We Found Love", this is the best song on Talk That Talk. And that's not saying much. 2/5 
Stephen: Mike Wass - this track is slaying all yer faves. Epic. And the video is just what we needed: a lot of dance sequences,outfits and wiggery, When Riri keeps it simple, it's a win. Bouncey is cryin' in the corner. 4/5
Total: 13/25
 

TaeTiSeo – Twinkle (Video)

Girl's Generation sub-unit unleashes first single.  

David: I love the soulful and vampy swag in TTS' vocals here. The production on "Twinkle" is a proper event! I'm slapping this on a playlist right next to Wonder Girls' "Me, in". 5/5
Jacques: Not only is Girls' Generation the #1 girl group in the world, but even their sub-unit shits on your lousy, talentless faves. "Twinkle" is like all that retro shit that Christina Aguilera used to do, but filtered through Max Martin's Bubblegum machine. I love that some random Girls' Generation sub-unit still sells more records than Britain's biggest girl group, The SaTURDays. Who mad? 5/5 
Mike: I'm not here for sloppy seconds from Girl's Generation and "Twinkle" is a total mess. Wonder Girls have already gone down the retro-pop/soul route with much better results. I suggest these flops jump on YouTube and watch 4Minute's infinitely superior "Volume Up" to see how real K-pop divas do it. Somewhere in Seoul Queen HyunA is pissing herself laughing at this crap right now. 1/5 
Robbie: No. I'm tired of this shit. 0/5 
Stephen: A bunch of tweens pretending to be Janet Jackson. The fluffy white dog is the best bit and I bet he's not on the MP3. 2/5 
Total: 13/25

Little Boots – Every Night I Say A Prayer (Video)

British electro-flop tries her luck again  

David: Victoria's vision of nostalgic dance/pop is something I'm keen to explore a bit further. "Say A Prayer" isn't what you'd expect for a 2012 single, what, with all that '90s house keyboard in your face. But that's probably why I enjoy it. Definite grower. 3/5 
Jacques: I didn't give a flying fuck about Little Boots when she came out with her first album, but the songs she's released since then have all snatched my wig. 3.5/5 
Mike: This video makes me cringe more than Valerio's visual abortion. Ms Boots is rougher than a laborer's hands and the "choreography" is clearly inspired by the time Jacques took too much G and did an interpretive dance outside Palms. I guess it's not all bad. I rather like the kooky production. Should we just wait for a dub? 2/5 
Robbie: I kind of like the faux '90s house piano bit. But the song never really happens like it should, does it? And as for the ironic vogueing, someone needs to tell these dancers that Paris is burning just before throwing them into the flames. 3.5/5 
Stephen: The track is a decent slow burn album cut, but the video is literally embarrassing. She has such an awkward presence (and doesn't seem to know that as she poses). And who is not distracted by that twinky blond queen vogueing his hole all over the screen? Bless. 2/5 
Total: 14/25  

Alexandra Burke – Let It Go (Video)

X Factor flop really wants to be a dance diva.  

David: Can we give this a chance, y'guys? I was ready to hand Alexandra her coat and show her the door after "Elephant" but "Let It Go" actually changed my mind. I think if the category was "pedestrian dance/pop", she would get nines and tens across the floor for this. #Backhandedcompliment. 3/5 
Jacques: Nobody finds Alex Burke a more useless waste of space than I do, and her music is almost as devoid of originality and creativity as that plastic whore Nicki Minaj, but God dammit, I really like this song! I know it's generic filth but it just makes me wanna WERQ 'N' TWERQ till the early hours. If only Dannii Minogue had recorded it instead... 3.5/5 
Mike: Something about this bitch makes me vomit in my mouth. She has a great voice and the occasional good song but she's the musical equivalent of a Sao biscuit. Having got that off my chest, "Let It Go" is one of Alexandra's better tunes. Try the Bimbo Jones remix for the total trash experience. 2.5/5 
Robbie: I almost like that this sounds like a coffee pot percolating up her vajazzle basket. But then I realize, oh, right — it's Alexandra Burke. 2.5/5 
Stephen: The production is so dance track du jour that it's hard to write about. But I speak one truth: It's better than that new trash by The Tweedy. 3/5 
Total: 14.5/25  

Jeronimo – One Kiss (Video)

Dutch twink moves in on the One Direction market.  

David: I love his whole "village twink" vibe with them tees he probably bought at a night market that time he sneaked out with his mama's purse. I'm fucking hooked on my first listen. This is a winner in my books. Jeronimo, boo - take the crown and run for the hills. 5/5 
Jacques: Fuck my life this is atrocious. I thought that it couldn't get any worse than Melody Thornton, and it still can't, but this comes close. 0/5 
Mike: Um, Jacques and Stephen are clearly pressed by this future legend's mind-boggling dance moves and spine-tingling vocal ability. How dare they take their insecurities out on the pride of Europe? "One Kiss" is what The Wanted would sound like if they developed some charisma and - erm - came from Holland.Yes, it's that amazing. And available on iTunes now. 5/5Robbie: FINALLY, a soul singer to put Usher and all those other lame R&B flops on ice. Jeronimo's stunning dance moves are enough to make The Gloved Corpse rise from the grave, combust into a cloud of pink shimmer and die all over again. 5/5 
Stephen: What is it with all the children today? No no no. 0/5 
Total: 15/25
 

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Foster The People – Houdini (below)

Latest singles from Foster The People's mega-successful Torches album.  

David: I wasn't expecting to enjoy Foster The People as much as I have. "Houdini" was an instant fave from the album and I think it works as a sensible companion to "Warrior", that track Mark did with A-Trak and Kimbra. 3/5 
Jacques: I was going to give this a nasty score because I had a computer malfunction that forced me to sit through TWO fucking Youtube ads, but "Houdini" is too funky and fun to shade. I'm dancing on my own to this, Robyn style. 3.5/5 
Mike: Wonderfully catchy synth-rock jam from a brilliant album made even better by one of the year's best videos. Their beyond-the-grave dancing makes my life 4.5/5 
Robbie: Great jam from one of my favorite albums of last year. I love this video, and I heard somewhere that it was actually shot early last year, before "Pumped Up Kicks" became a hit. I'd totally let Cubbie have some D'luvvin'. 5/5 
Stephen: Hmmmm. I bet these boys get a lot of vajayjay. But we're talking about the song? It's an earworm and the video is sick fun. I watched the bit over and over where they get smashed by the lighting rig. I assume this is based on the true story of Britney Spears? 4/5
Total: 20/25
 

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 3

It's time for another installment of Pop Panel. Yay? The latest edition turned out to be another civilised exercise in music appreciation. Yeah right. The acid-tongued judges had a field day destroying some good and not-so-good tunes. I think I need some fresh meat because these bitches are pressed! The sheer outpouring of hate aside, we settled on a deserving winner. I think there were better songs in the mix but I can deal. Also of note is our stunning celebrity guest judge Zoë Badwi. I don't think the country's reigning dance diva knew what she was getting herself into but she was an incredibly good sport! Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following regulars:

Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Stephen (US) writer of The Middle Eight

We are also joined by the following judges:

Bobby (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop

This iconic blogger was one of the original pop panelists (way back in 2007, I think!) and has been a huge supporter of the format. In addition to writing his fabulous blog, Bobby now works with super-talented chanteuse Elouise. Welcome back!

and

Zoë Badwi (Aus) - Pop star extraordinaire and club royalty

I'm extremely chuffed that Zoë has finally graced the Pop Panel with her glamorous presence! I've been a fan since her stint as one third of Sirens. She turned out to be Beyoncé of that trio and went on to fuel dancefloors across Australia with club hits like "Release Me" and "In The Moment" before hitting it big with her top 10 smash "Freefallin'". She's absolutely adorable and so is her jet-setting mum! With new tunes on the way, 2012 is shaping up to be a big year for the Badwi camp.

Before getting stuck into the judging, I couldn't help being a bit nosy and asking Zoë when we can expect new material. Here's what she had to say.  

What have you been up to since the album was released?

Touring my bum off around Australia. Most of this year I gave been in LA recording and writing new material! I can't wait for it all to come out.

 Is new stuff on the way? Who are you working with?

There sure is! My next single is called "Shoot Me Down" and I worked with Frank E and Heather Bright on that one. Frank E wrote Jason Derulo's "Breathing" and Enrigue's "Tonight I'm Fucking You" plus many more and Heather is behind pretty much all the AMAZING songs out there at the moment. I was working in the Atlantic studios in LA and the talent they have there blew me away!  

When are you going to invite me over for dinner with you and Sal?

Haha Sal (my mum) is a citizen of the world. She is a hard one to catch. She is forever gallivanting around the world. Right now she is sunning herself in South Africa but when she gets back we can lock it in!

Check out Zoë's epic cover of Sarah Connor's "Carry Me Home" below.

The results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Delta Goodrem – Sitting On Top Of The World (Video)

That cunt from Neighbours has a new single.  

Bobby: Promising start the of the video. It sees Delta cruising in some Sydney park with blown-up condoms. Brilliant. Sadly though doesn't it deliver. A ridiculously cheery pop song that is far too polite to be interesting. 1/5 
Jacques: Delta drives me up the wall but this song is wonderful! I love it. It's like a Disneyfied Sara Bareilles. It's also way better than Melody Thornton. 4/5 
Mike: Without The Voice Australia's most pointless pop star would struggle to tickle the lower reaches of the top 50 with this inane dose of elevator music. She should just stick to ruining marriages. -5/5
Robbie: Is she still married to that homophobe? Yes? No? She's getting 0 just for taking his cock in her mouth anyway. 0/5 
Stephen: This is the ONJ wannabe who goes out with British homophobe, right? The best thing about this song: "The uploader has not made this video available in your country." 0/5 
Zoë: The more they trash this on the radio, the more I'm (slowly) getting into it. 3/5
Total = 3/30 

Melody Thornton – Someone To Believe (Video)

Former Pussycat Doll takes desperation to new heights by recycling home movies for her latest free download.  

Bobby: Wow. Unexpected. She gets a few points for that at least. But, if you're going to break the out of the mould set by your past, do it with a song I can sing-a-long to please. You're called Melody, lets be having one next time. 2/5 
Jacques: I just can't with this desperate trick walking the red carpet naked just for attention. I know it's hard to get a break these days, but I'd rather remain a flop than sacrifice my dignity. I used to like her and even bought "Sweet Vendetta" on iTunes, but now I think she's trash. But my personal disdain for her aside, this ballad is woeful. The oriental production paired with that melodramatic screeching is hot mess 101. 0/5
Mike: Possibly the worst thing I have ever seen/heard in my entire life. I thought Jessica Sutta was a waste of human flesh but Melody plumbs new depths with this tuneless mess. The Asian strings kill me. Where is the chorus? And more importantly, where is her dignity? 0/5
Robbie: Honey, no one wants to hear this crap. Hit the pole and start bouncing. 1/5 
Stephen: I kept waiting for it to kick in. This is one long intro! Two minutes of pained human rights-y riffing to a violin does not a choon make. Next time she needs to start with – bada bing! - an actual melody. I will give her two stars for superior drag queen hair... I mean this is a man, right? 2/5 
Zoë: Not what I would expect from a Pussycat Doll. She's no Nicole Scherzinger, is she? 1/5
Total = 6/30

Beez In The Trap – Nicki Minaj Ft. 2 Chainz (Video)

Onika's latest buzz single.  

Bobby: Oooooh, Nicki honey, the best song about buzzing insects is always going to be Billie's "Honey to the Bee". 0/5
Jacques: Hoodrat 101. What is this simplistic shit? This is the type of thing I expect to see on World Star Hip Hop by some stripper-turned-rapper called Mz GolDeN GriLLz. I'm surprised Melody Thornton didn't make an appearance in this video, as this hood porn seems right up her alley given her choice of red carpet attire. 1/5 
Mike: This is what happens when you make a bunch of MAGs listen to hip-hop! I'm not a fan of Stinki Garbaj but "Beez In The Trap" is a head-nodding jam. We should be encouraging Onika to focus on this kind of music instead of making desperate Pitbull knock-offs like "Starships". Shame about the video. 3/5
Robbie: Wretched. 0/5 
Stephen: I need to hook you up with a proper song next week, Wass. This sounds like something WE could write while drinking whiskey from a jockstrap. And it looks like it was shot with outtakes from the million other videos The Minaj has done in the past six months. Is there a message to this epic? You’d betta wear five condoms if there are bees in that trap. 0/5 
Zoë: This would be great for a DJ mix in a break down section. That's about all I've got for this one. 2/5
Total = 6/30

Rita Ora - RIP (below)

Roc Nation's new golden girl unleashes her debut UK single.  

Bobby: To borrow Rita's phraseology, akin to shitty ATM. Awful. 0/5 
Jacques: This girl is so boring, but it could be worse - she could be Melody Thornton. 2.5/5 
Mike: Kosovo's pop princess has everyone pressed. It's not her fault Jay Z needs a Rihanna replacement now that his former rainmaker's career is over! Admittedly, "RIP" is as generic as it gets but I like the verses and suspect it will be massive. 3/5
Robbie: Title says it all. 0/5 
Stephen: If this girl has any talent or originality, it’s been mauled by some smug suit at her label. Rihanna should sue for complete thievery. The autotune, the rapper, the rasta colors, the dye job. Has it come to this? 1/5
Zoë: Um... I like Tinie Tempah's part! 2/5 
Total = 8.5/30

Dance Again – Jennifer Lopez (Video)

Jenny is back to dance. And love. And dance. Again.  

Bobby: I don't absolutely love this but it's a good try. It is admirable that she hasn't progressed in no way whatsoever from her debut single to this travesty of a pop song. Which means, in over 12 years she hasn't matured at all. Which is remarkable. She refuses to change or evolve. Wonderfully woeful. I'll give her one point for knowing what fans want and what she's good at. 1/5 
Jacques: I liked this song more when I first heard it but I've already grown sick of it now. It's still more interesting than Melody Thornton's squishy rack, but it's not slaying me like "On The Floor" did. 3/5 
Mike: Jenny and Pitbull are the La Bouche of the 21st century - ridiculous lyrics, thumping Euro-beats and cheesy rapping! That might sound like shade but I love how '90s this is. While "On The Floor" sounded like a Kat DeLuna B-side, "Dance Again" is bizarrely innovative. In an incredibly derivative kind of way. I love it. 5/5
Robbie: I so don't care about this old bat. 2.5/5 
Stephen: Another year, another faceless commercial – I mean dance track! - from Jenny. Cars, perfume, Idol: she’s always hawking something. Did she marry one of the dancers, or writhers, I should say, since this was shot? That Caspar kid is no Jesus Luz, m’kay? She has to put on a blindfold, he’s so fug. And don’t get me started on how she’s stolen the Superior Diva Jessie Ware’s hairdo at the end! 2/5 
Zoë: Errr I feel like I've seen it and heard it a million times before. The "AGAIN" part is fun haha and damn it she's hot! 3/5 
Total = 16.5/30

Norah Jones – Happy Pills (Video)

Norah hooks up with the non Cee-Lo half of Gnarls Barkley for a fresh new sound.  

Bobby: No. 0/5
Jacques: Fucking AMAZING! I've always loved Norah's music over the year but I was a little iffy with her last album."Happy Pills" has made me a fan again. I just wish I had some of these happy pills when you forced me to listen to that heinous Melody Thornton song, Mike. 5/5
Mike: This is one of my favourite songs of 2012. It's so effortless and breezy. Norah embraces her inner-vamp and is forgiven for ten years of drivel. Absolutely gagging for the album. 5/5
Robbie: This is pleasant enough, in a slightly boring way. Reminds me of something VH1 would play if they still aired music videos. 3/5 
Stephen: I don’t know why I didn’t come when I heard this song. Or wait, I DO... The LP cover made me think she’d gone all Gogo’s on us, but this sounds like everything else Snorah Jones has done. 2/5 
Zoë: It doesn't really tickle my fancy but it's nice enough. 3/5
Total = 18/30

Mandy Capristo – The Way I Like It (Video)

The German diva was part of a hugely successful girlband in her homeland before striking out on her own this anthem.  

Bobby: After Nicki, Jennifer, Rita, Delta, Norah and Melody we're finally touching pop gold. Major points for that dress. She's won me already with the overblown pink toilet brush-cum-prom dress. To be frank, a song with the repeated refrains "push a little harder" and "get it up" will always be a winner for me. Love the wet climax at the end too. Full marks Mandy. 5/5 
Jacques: Not bad, not good. It's somewhere in between. I'm mostly just glad that Melody Thornton didn't record this. 2/5 
Mike: Monrose was a very hit-or-miss band for me but Mandy gets it just right with this saucy piece of Europop. I hope there's a physical single! 4/5
Robbie: Borderline awful/amazing. I'm siding with amazing. But I'll never remember it after this one listen. Oh well. 4/5 
Stephen: Unbearable shit. 0/5 
Zoë: Don't you think she looks like a cross between J Lo and Beyonce in some parts of the clip!? It's a good dance song. 3/5
Total = 18/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Perfume – Spring Of Life (below)

Japan's hottest girlband gifts the world another electro-marvel.  

Bobby: First listen, brilliant. But I take my Pop Panel duties incredibly seriously. I always replay the offerings to hear if I missed something. On its second spin it sounded flat and dull. I really should love this song but I don't. Ultimately, it has a nice scent that refuses to linger. Charmless yet pretty. Like biting into a tasteless yet glorious-looking cheesecake. 3/5 
Jacques: Utterly flawless. Japan's best girlband never disappoint. Their futuristic Tokyo techno-pop really shows you how terribly pedestrian the current dance-pop on the Hot 100 is by comparison. This is truly amazing and it's definitely something Melody Thornton would never record. 5/5 
Mike: Perfume were my first Asian pop crush along with the legendary Ami Suzuki. Their cyber-beats never fail to stun and amaze but this is a bit of a letdown in comparison to flawless classics like "Dream Fighter" and "Love The World". I think it's the insipid chorus that ruins it for me. Regardless, the production is mind-boggling and the video utterly sublime. 4/5
Robbie: A perfect score for the LED dresses alone. I wonder if these robot broads short circuit when they sit on Daddy's rocket? 5/5 
Stephen: Now we’re getting somewhere. Do you ever think these J-pop songs are just exercises to make super kawai videos? It’s fantastically shot, but let’s face it, Perfume are neither Pizzicato Five or Girls Aloud. I wonder if one of them is married to the Japanese equivalent of a footballer? 4/5 
Zoë: Oh dear, this one's not for me! Great video though. 0/5
Total = 21/30
 

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 2

After last week's not entirely disastrous return, I've decided to revive Pop Panel on a fortnightly basis. Every second Sunday there will be a new battle to determine the best track currently making the rounds online. This week's winner was well-deserved but let's face facts. A certain senorita was robbed and there will be hell to pay! On the bright side, there is some next level gay-bitching this time around and the outcome offers further proof that fine pop music transcends race and language. Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following regulars:

Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet

We are also joined by the following judges:

Toya (UK) writer of Toya'z World

This blog icon needs no introduction. Toya's site is the place to visit for all the tea on your urban faves. Welcome!

and

Justina (US) - rising rap superstar and confectionery enthusiast

I'm excited to introduce Justina - our first celebrity judge of 2012. This New Jersey-born MC was recently signed to Universal and is gearing up to release her first mixtape Route 80. I fell in love with her super-catchy new single "Bubble Gum" (below) and think she brings something fresh and exciting to the game. Learn more about the hottest new rap chick on the block here.

The results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Dev (feat. Enrique Iglesias) – Naked (Video)

The basic bitch from "Like A G6" somehow hooks up with Enrique on her latest single.

Jacques: Dev 'sings' "You've got a girl that doesn't look a thing like me." Um duh, that's because you look like a damn tranny. Poor DEVoid looked cute in some of her other videos, but whoever styled her here deserves to be shot through the peehole. It also doesn't help that this flaccid pindick of a song is total shit. It's like an even crapper version of Enrique's lame collabo with Flopzinger "Heartbeat". Not even my Latin lover's good looks can save this monotonous mess. 0/5
Justina: I think this is a good song. Good production, writing etc. Enrique Iglesias is smokin' hot. Dev really lucked out with the people she linked up with. I think she is moderately talented and not at all cute. 4/5
Mike: How does this pointless piece of electro-pop roadkill even have a record deal - let alone work with producers like Timbaland and nab Enrique to appear on her latest flop? Something in the milk ain't clean! 1/5
Robbie: Sucks shit at epic proportions. 0/5
Toya: I was first introduced to Dev last year when she appeared on a JLS single, not even realising she was the vocal behind the smash hit "Like a G6". Call me sexist but I'll watch any video with Enrique Iglesias in it. So imagine my disappointment that there were no sex scene or making out activity going on. Isn't that a first for Enrique? Not to make out with his female co-star? It was needed to distract from the generic, Europop-inspired club beat. And bear in mind, the song is called "Naked" too. But yet, there is no shredding of clothes. The video was crispier and drier than a woman's vagina after its owner encountered a strip tease from Rick Ross. 2/5
Total: 7/25

Roxette – It's Possible (Video)

Swedish pop legends return - much to the delight of your parents!

Jacques: Dead @ Roxette making a comeback. Their music reminds me too much of the boring pub mother used to drag me to as a child while she drank, so I'm giving this a fail score for bad memories alone. 1/5
Justina: This was my favorite song of them all. Super funky. I was groovin' to this one heavy! 5/5
Mike: Damn. Per and Marie requisitioned the Vengabus and went for a joyride. Geddit? 3.5/5
Robbie: Out of the two albums Roxette have released in the past two years, this and "Speak To Me" are probably the best single to emerge. That said, something about Per's vocals are slightly grating here. 2.5/5
Toya: I'm not a fan of tour visuals (boring) and despite the obviously computer-generated backdrop, they delivered a fun and quirky visionary. These guys have been around since forever and by delivering their trademark pop-rock, laced with some punk and modernised rock 'n' roll, they're really sticking to what's true to them. 3/5
Total: 15/25

Bim – Scream (Video)

One of those acts you see on Pop Justice and other flop sites.

Jacques: Oh look, it's a less lame version of The Ting Tings. I bet that old queen that runs Popjustice and Keith Caulfield from Billboard are both fisting themselves to this song. With that said, I kinda like it too, and I'll give it an extra half a point for the band name rhyming with RIM. 3.5/5
Justina: The song was cool. Video was ok. My attention got lost by the bridge. 3/5
Mike: This hot bitch needs to ditch the dude and go solo! His contribution drags an otherwise lovely piece of English electro-pop down the dumper. 2.5/5
Robbie: Sounds like what happens when Ellie Goulding straddles a keyboard and rides it down the stairs. 4/5
Toya: Yawnfest. The video looks like a cheap experiment for a university media assignment. I'm shocked I've never heard of them as I'm well versed on the British chart scene (I'm f*cking British myself for crying out loud). Maybe I just didn't care enough to explore their brand of indie electropop. Next. 1/5
Total: 15/25

Timomatic – If Looks Could Kill (Video)

Currently Australia's hottest male pop star. This is the follow-up to the three-times platinum smash "Set It off".

Jacques: It's so embarrassign when irrelevant countries like Australia try to launch local versions of flops like Taio Cruz. Timomatic's two singles are better than most of Taio's recent output though, and the big black queen can dance, so that has to count for something. 3/5
Justina: This shit right hurr was HOT. He's like the Aussie Breezy! 5/5
Mike: A shining example of the urban-dance genre done right. The nuclear-powered chorus is perfection and DNA's slick production gives it international appeal. 5/5
Robbie: So Australia has its very own Taio Cruz drag queen? 0/5
Toya: This dude looks like he could very well be Australia's answer to a second rate Usher, at least Usher during his dancepop phase? Then I saw all the acrobatics and he reminded me of Chris Brown as well. I'd definitely say he's a nice balance between the two. There's a nice R&B tone to his voice but he's not doing anything that hasn't been done before elsewhere. I've seen better. 2.5/5
Total: 15.5/25

Soraya - I Believe (Video)

Spain's Queen of pop has a song on the Mirror Mirror soundtrack.

Jacques: Now I know why Mike stans for this trick! This is a stunning anthem. I can't believe that I had to re-rate this though after the flop panel judges from the last round all 'forgot' to rate it. I guess they knew that Soraya would snatch their fave's wig, so a few bad eggs got together and went on strike. #Shady 4/5
Justina: I'm lost. Was it a cover or her original? It seems some other people also sing it? 2/5
Mike: Soraya te amo! Tu musica es la mejor y tu bella cara me la pone dura. Vamos a casarnos y nos mudamos a Extremadura! Tambien va por tu novio tan sexy. 5/5
Robbie: I believe this song is probably 50 times better than the flop movie Mirror Mirror it's tied in with. 4/5
Toya: Spanglish pop doesn't do much for me at all as a genre of music but this one is insanely catchy. The video? Not much can be said. It's just clips from Julia Roberts 'Mirror Mirror' movie interspersed with that of music video footage made from cardboard backgrounds. A recession budget at its pure finest. 2/5
Total: 17/25

The Jezabels – Rosebud (Video)

Australian indie darlings are hoping to take the UK by storm with the latest single from Prisoner.

Jacques: I wanted to trash this because I know Mike loves The Jezabels and I felt like being pointlessly spiteful today, but I can't resist the 80s realness that this amazing song is giving me. Sadly, I need to deduct a few points because there's a VEVO ad promoting The Shaturdays latest stinker "30 Turds" directly below the "Rosebud" video. 2/5
Justina: This song was cool... very throwback-y and old school. I liked the song better than the video. The video got a little draggy for me. 3/5
Mike: Fuck you, Jacques! I'll get my revenge next week. You're clearly pressed that The Jezagods are global icons while ya faves are miming for small change in Korea! Shame about the ratchet video though. 4.5/5
Robbie: While normally I'd chuck a band going for an '80s/early '90s sound out the window, The Jezabels are fantastic, front diva Hayley Mary is a goddess and "Rosebud" is a fucking jam. 5/5
Toya: This video is not the most original one ever and it looks very dated and cheap but it does match the overall tone and nostalgic vibe of the song. I think the vintage feel was an intended concept. "Rosebud" isn't just your typical '80s sounding pop-rock track. It is one that exhibits an essence of intoxication. Solid. 3/5
Total: 17.5/25

Toni Braxton – I Heart You (Video)

'90s R&B icon goes dance on her first independent release.

Jacques: Who the fuck would have thought that Toni Braxton would release one of the best dance songs of the year? It's so dated, but in the absolute best way possible. This is the bomb.com! 5/5
Justina: I like Toni, but I didn't love this. The video looked like a soft porn at first... never really got into it. She looks much better with long hair and without the lamp shade on her head. "Unbreak My Heart" was the jam. 3/5
Mike: Tamar's slightly more successful sister is hoping to keep the creditors at bay by angling for the pink dollar with the year's most desperate and dated dance anthem. It goes without saying that I fucking love it. 4/5
Robbie: The only thing not retro about this desperate trash is Toni's new face. 2/5
Toya: I love Toni. When I heard this I was indifferent about the production but now I just love it. I wasn't totally thrilled at first because it seemed she was just doing what a lot of R&B acts are doing now - jumping on the ever popular dancepop bandwagon. But she's made the transition from R&B legend to classy dance diva very well. The video was absolute garbage, but at least the male lead was drool-worthy. I’m totally slayed by her vocals more than anything. Just listen to that flawless intro. I need that in my life in full ballad form. 4/5
Total: 18/25

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

SHINee – Sherlock (below)

New stuff from one of Asia's biggest boybands.

Jacques: Fucking amazing. This is like The Jackson 5 through the eyes of Diplo. And Jonghyun and Key are so hot, I want an all-bottom threesome with them where we just eat each others asses for hours on end but nobody actually fucks each other. 5/5
Justina: I was confused by this song because I think they were singing the words "I'm so curious, yea" in the hook and then ad-libbing in English at the end... but the rest was in Chinese?! And the one dude was really pretty, he has the same exact haircut as me. I definitely thought he was a chick at first. But I digress... I see that the song definitely has huge pop potential and I could see teeny boppers who can understand what they're saying loving it... So I'll say. 4/5
Mike: I just can't with Taemin's hair. Ami Suzuki called and wants her look back! Apart from that glaring fashion faux-pas, SHINee's latest incarnation is pretty exciting. I love the sonic clash of Motown influences and ultra-modern electro-beats. It doesn't quite work but at least they're experimenting with new sounds unlike their flop English counterparts. 4/5
Robbie: My Korean friend (who, for the record, has a dog is named SHINee) clued me in to "Sherlock" recently. I've heard better from this pack of twinkletz, but I'm so curious, anyway. 4/5
Toya: The production and vocal arrangement is like a retro Michael Jackson circa 1990s. A very dated sound. And you can even say they were tributing him with that choreography as well. I laughed at some of their execution. They certainly get bonus points for entertainment value. I don't find them sexy at all and their overall style is the epitome of straight up corny. 2/5
Total: 19/25

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 1

Due to popular demand Pop Panel is back for another season of hot songs, future hits and bottom of the barrel trash! There will be some changes this time around - fortnightly or monthly updates instead of weekly editions and perhaps fewer judges - but I'm still working all that out. I just thought I'd jump in the deep end and see how it goes. Fingers crossed. This week's winner was a bit predictable but well-deserved. I'm pressed about some of the votes and comments but I'll get over it! Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following regulars:

Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet

We are also joined by the following judges:

Stephen (US) writer of The Middle Eight

and

Kennedy Carter (UK) full-time porn star and part-time pop blogger. The ginger Brit is not only adorable but also smart as a whip and completely addicted to pop. Some guys really are the complete package! Before getting down to business he kindly answered some music-related questions:

What kind of music are you into?
Lots of electronic stuff, lots of techno, and lots of pop.

How did you get into Scandipop?
I think on your recommendation!

Where do you find new tracks?
Pop Justice, Resident Advisor, Scandipop, Idolator, Soundcloud and Twitter.

Favourite song and album?
Right now my favorite song is "Radio" by Lana Del Rey, and my favorite album is Silver Moon by Donkeyboy.

What is the best soundtrack for shagging?
Depends on the type of shagging!

The results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Madonna - Girl Gone Wild (Video)

87-year-old pop icon joins forces with Ukrainian dance outfit Kazaky for the second video from her 103rd studio album MDNA.

Jacques: The music video for this song has had a very mixed reaction, with a lot of people criticizing Madge for copping out by writhing around with a bunch of beefy fags crawling all over her like she's done a million times before. Normally I'd agree, but I think this was a fabulous homage to her classics like "Erotica" and "Justify My Love", while also being a huge slap to GaGa for ripping off "Express Yourself". This would be the ultimate triumph if the song itself wasn't such pure shit. 2.5/5
Kennedy: I loathe this record. Just like with "4 Minutes", it feels like Madonna, instead of pioneering new sounds as she once did, is chasing a sound that has been the zeitgeist for a long time, that vacuous, Euro-influenced, autotuned dance pop that finds it impossible to produce lyrical content that relates to anything else than being in a club. Madonna has not showed much aptitude for a nuanced lyric in many years and this is no exception, and the sound is as generic as it gets, but the whole mess is saved by a glorious video that gleefully rehashes many of the imagery that made her such a controversial, exciting artist back in her heyday, reminding us that no matter how outré we find our current popstars, Madonna was there doing it all while they were still in diapers. 1/5
Mike: Why does this geriatric cunt even bother? 0/5
Robbie: I'm going to be tough on this broad for moment and say this would be a good song for anyone else. But it's Madonna. There is some pretty fucking amazing material on MDNA, but you'd never know it from the two lead singles. At any rate, yeah, it's still a good jam overall, and her tits look classy in the trashola video. 3.5/5
Stephen: Okay, the song is – join the chorus – reductive. But sorry, she is slaying all your faves in that video. She looks beyond amazing. Most divas can’t manage that at 25, much less 52. Song 2/5, video 5/5.
Total: 9/25

Gossling - Wild Love (Video)

Australian singer-songwriter currently has a top ten hit as the featured vocalist on 360's "Boys Like You". This is her grab for solo glory.

Jacques: Quirky folk-pop has to be my least favorite genre of music and should only be listened to by lame lesbians and trendy coffee shop owners, but I love the production here and the melody. The hook is also impossibly catchy. 3.5/5
Kennedy: One of the most lovely voices I have heard recently, a smoky mix of Duffy and Lykke Li but nicer than both. A perfect summer song for a sunny day. 3/5
Mike: Something about this moody little gem reminds me of Paula Cole's "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone". For that reason alone, it's easily the best song in this week's line-up.
Robbie: I was hoping this was Ryan Gosling's attempt at a music career. Nope, just another helium-voiced ho who needs kicked in the baby box. 0/5
Stephen: Gossling or gosling or geesling? She sounds like a singing duck! 0/5
Total: 11.5/25

Marina & The Diamonds - Primadonna (Video)

The latest taste from her soon-to-be-released sophomore album "Electra Heart".

Jacques: I'm a huge Marina fan and I like this song, but she's such a humorless cunt who needs to get her head out of her ass. Can you believe that she had the nerve to send me an abusive DM on Twitter just because I innocently stated that she'd suck Ron Fair off in the back of McDonalds just to get a hit? The nerve! Well Marina, you know what they say: Payback's a bitch, and so am I! Mwahahaha. 0/5
Kennedy: I love Marina. I love the wit in her lyrics, I love the stridency of her voice, and the way her British accent creeps into her vocals. I was obsessed with Radioactive and this follows a similar vibe, a rare example of the Euro-pop sound mentioned above that is done with intelligence, humor, and class. 5/5
Mike: DEAD at The Prophet's scandalous revelations! As for this song... well, it's nice. But like "Radioactive" and "Homewrecker", it's missing the raw emotional core that made songs like "I Am Not A Robot" and "Oh No!" modern pop classics. I really hope there's better stuff on the album or Marina will end up doing dinner theatre on the same bill as Lolene and Sky Ferreira. 3/5
Robbie: Dr. Luke barfs out another Katy Perry reject (see: Jessie J, "Domino") and passes it along to another eager starlet hoping to have a global hit. Like with Madonna, there are way better songs than this on Marina's upcoming album. "Primadonna" isn't awful. It's just throwaway. 2.5/5
Stephen: Why does this song bore me so much? Doe she really think this is her worldwide pop breakthrough? I wish Marina would embrace her sideways cool and stop trying to be Katy Perry. Wicked video though, I’ll give her that. 3/5
Total: 13.5/25

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - Candy Candy (Video)

They do things differently in Japan.

Jacques: Fucking iconic. Yasutaka Nakata is one of the best producers in the world -- his stuff with Perfume and Capsule is nothing less than spectacular, and leaves the rest of the world's pop for dead. I love that he gets to channel a different side of himself through little Miss Harajuku-on-acid Kyary Pamyu Pamyu. With the rate Kyary's going in Japan and all the international coverage she's been getting, she's going to be a certified cult-pop icon in a few years time. Who the fuck needs RedOne and Lady GaGa when you've got Nakata and Caroline Charonplop Kyary Pamyu Pamyu? 5/5
Kennedy: I had to stop once the video got to the breakdancing anime-faced Real Doll during the second verse, and I haven't been able to sleep since. I think it's living under my bed. 0/5
Mike: While nothing will ever top "Ponponpon", the new Madonna slays all your faves with her pretty synths and iconic lyrics like "chewing chewing chewing chewing chewing". And then there's the epic clip. Imagine the director of The Ring filming a pop video after smoking peyote and you're almost there. 5/5
Robbie: I had this nightmare once before. It's pretty much what you hear/see in the background while you're getting ass-raped for all eternity by 80-year-old Marlon Brando's bloated corpse. 2/5
Stephen: The Japanese are so mental. At a certain point (like after 3 songs?) all their pop sounds the same. I have never seen Japanese porn – is it this whackadoodlepoodle? 2/5
Total: 14/25

Rebecca & Fiona - Dance (Video)

Sweden's gloomiest girlband is back with another dark dance anthem.

Jacques: Fuck off, Scandipop. K-Pop has replaced you. Bye. 1/5
Kennedy: Spooky, ethereal gloompop. Not in any way a flamboyant record, but it captures perfectly the fractured, echoey, forlorn sound that "iamamiwhoami" did so brilliantly. 3/5
Mike: I love these girls. They are a bit pretentious and need to be prescribed industrial strength anti-depressants but their music is pitch perfect. This is so beautifully morose yet still irritatingly catchy. 4.5/5
Robbie: Nothing but love for this song (and album). It's a pity they didn't have "Dance" out last year, because it would've made a great addition to the Drive soundtrack. 4/5
Stephen: So it’s a song called "Dance" that you can only shrug your shoulders to? Zero melody but decent electronics. 2/5
Total: 14.5/25

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Lana Del Rey - Blue Jeans (Below)

The new queen of elegantly-depressed pop unleashes the third single from "Born To Die".

Jacques: I'm a total Lana Lover but I like her as a person more than I like her actual music. Some of her songs are brilliant, but her album as a whole is too poppy (and not in a good way) and vastly overrated in the blogosphere. Luckily, "Blue Jeans" is one of the album's standouts, and the video is all kinds of amazing. This is easily one of the best singles of 2012, but I'm not particularly looking forward to hearing her do it live. 5/5
Kennedy: The soundtrack to the seediest, saddest strip club at the end of the world, one lone dancer on a blue-lit stage, cigarette smoke in the air. One of the highlights from a great album, and the new video is like a Helmut Newton wet dream. 5/5
Mike: I stan hard for Lana and worship this tune but what's with the video edit? I vastly prefer the original mix, so this only gets 4/5 from me.
Robbie: Not one of Lana's best, though this video(/radio?) mix is interesting. Really, I'd have gone with "National Anthem" as the third single. That song makes me want to fuck on a bed of cash. 3/5
Stephen: Why oh why is this the new single? Just give us "Radio"! This is too close to "Video Games" in sound. At least we can squeal “oh baby oooh!” with her. 3/5
Total: 20/25

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