La Toya's Exquisite Duet With Minako Honda

It's been far too long since my last Toy post but the duchess of dance is always on my mind. Like an aggressive brain tumor. 2013 is going to be a huge year for the thinking man's Jackson with a new reality show on the way and perhaps even new music. No, I haven't heard anything but I'm keeping the faith. It's only a matter of time before the legendary beauty hammers the final nail into Janet's career by reinventing dance-pop. I just hope I have at least one of my original hips when her smash drops! Until then we'll have to make do with her canon of classics.

As a long-time La Toya scholar, I thought I'd seen it all. So imagine my delight when the Church uncovered a hidden gem! In a typically insane career turn, Toy somehow ended up in Japan singing a cover of "Funky Town" with Minako Honda. I googled her duet partner and she's described as "the recently deceased Japanese Madonna". Shame! If this song and Minako's outfit - an aluminum foil dress and cheap $2 wig - are any indication of her style, the world lost a towering talent.

Everything about "Funky Town" is utter perfection. La Toya is the picture of loveliness and she actually looks like she's having a great time. The clip (below) was filmed in 1987, so I guess Janet's prettier sister hadn't been turned into a sad zombie by Jack Gordon yet. Watch in awe as Toy Toy proves why she was, is and will always be the most relevant Jackson. This is everything.

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Oprah Begs La Toya To Save Her TV Empire

Whatcha gonna do when your network is struggling in the ratings? If you're Oprah Winfrey, the answer is easy - call La Toya Jackson. The media heavyweight recently removed her mouth from Gayle's crotch long enough to greenlight Life With La Toya, a reality show that documents the crumbling Jackson empire (for example, Katherine's recent disappearance and Janet's shocking abuse of Michael's daughter Paris) as well as shedding light on Toy Toy's famous friends and iconic entertainment career. It goes without saying that this is the TV event of the new millennium.

If you need further proof, relive the flawless diva's unforgettable 1991 appearance on The Phil Donahue Show (which was kind of like the '80s/'90s equivalent of Jerry Springer). I die inside when that nasty woman asks if La Toya can really sing - and I'm not even going to comment on the dragon that tells Queen Toy to get a life - but I love how the music veteran nonchalantly discloses that her marriage is a sham and admits she doesn't know her husband's age. That's some vintage shade, right there! Make no mistake, you're gonna get rocked by Life With La Toya! Read all about it here.

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A First-Hand Account Of La Toya's Erotic Club Tour

The absolute nadir of La Toya's otherwise epic and era-defining career has to be 1995's erotic club tour. While many of Ms Jackson's mid-90s mishaps have innate camp appeal, I don't find anything amusing about this sorry debacle. Toy's abusive ex-husband basically forced her to perform in strip clubs across America to capitalise on her post-Playboy status as the sexiest woman alive. And judging from the footage that has since surfaced, it was every bit as pitiful as it sounds. Michael's favourite sister appears completely disorientated in the long out-of-print VHS and the crowd's reaction was not exactly understanding of her obvious discomfort and terror.

I've always wanted to learn more about the fan reaction to La Toya's erotic club tour but I've never been able to find a first-hand account. That changed a couple of weeks ago when was contacted by a fellow Jackson nut, who attended the show in Ohio. Ric Hunter kindly shared his recollections with me and even attached a happy snap he took with the superstar. It's compelling stuff. First, there's the setlist. Of course Jack Gordon forced her to sing one of Michael's classics but what was with all the ballads? I love "Somewhere" but I can't think of a less appropriate song to sing in a strip club. Then there's the heartbreaking part about Toy asking the crowd of blue collar workers if they were "feeling romantic". Because that's why you rock up to the Gentleman's Club with a roll of $1 bills in your pocket - to find romance! Poor thing.

Thanks again to Ric for sharing his memories of the event and for allowing me to post it. The next time you feel like poking fun at Toy Toy, remember that she's been to hell and back. A weaker spirit would have given up but La Toya persevered and is now coming into her own. At the age of 56 she's more popular and relevant than ever. Her ability to start over is an inspiration to us all.

Erotic Club Tour Review

My partner Joe and I have been Janet Jackson fans since day one of her recording career. We were even able to meet Janet twice, while she was still married to Rene Elizondo. So in 1995, when La Toya Jackson-Gordon came to our town of Columbus, Ohio for a brief "cabaret" tour, seeing the show seemed to be a logical thing to do. Of course, who knew that we would have to go to an exotic dance club to see her? At the time I was in my late 20s and had never been to a Gentleman’s Club before. Since I wasn’t "into girls", I had no desire to go to such a place. They usually weren’t in the best areas of town either — if you can imagine.

Anyway, the Excalibur Club was clean enough on the inside, but still very seedy. Joe and I paid the $30 cover charge and stuck out like two sore thumbs amongst the factory worker crowd. La Toya was late going on, probably because the club wanted the crowd to drink-up and buy $5.00 table dances while they waited. La Toya took the stage and performed 5 songs with 2 back-up dancers. One dancer was a male (he was traveling with her) and the other was a local female. If memory serves, La Toya’s brief set consisted of: “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’”, “Shake Your Body (Down To the Ground)”, “You Can Count on Me”, “Playboy” and “Somewhere”.

Before singing “Somewhere”, La Toya asked the audience if they were feeling romantic. Keep in mind this place was full of big, burly guys who came to see partially-clad women dance for money — romance was probably far from their minds. The short show was ok, but then Joe and I didn’t expect much either. We knew that La Toya was more of a performer and personality than a singer. Still it was a thrill to see her up-close. However, the real show happened after the stage performance. After her brief set, one could pay an additional $25 to meet La Toya and get a photo taken with her.

Joe and I waited in a pitifully short line for our turn to meet La Toya at her meet and greet. By now La Toya had changed from her show costume (sequins, boots and glittery headband) to a big fluffy bathrobe. She seemed small and scared and in a medicated-like stupor. I suddenly felt terribly guilty — like somehow I was this ogre who made La Toya resort to this cheap show. You could see it in La Toya’s face that she seemed to regret the club tour. She quietly posed for photos with us and she signed a couple of our CDs. It was very humbling to see her so frail and frightened. My heart actually ached for her.

Before leaving the club Joe and I got a glimpse of Jack Gordon. I knew he had a bad reputation, but I decided that I would try to talk to him anyway. When would we ever have an opportunity to meet him again? When I approached Jack, he acted like I was serving him with court papers. I said, “Hi, aren’t you Jack Gordon?” and his reply to me was “Yeah, who wants to know?” He looked as slimy close-up as you can imagine. I think given the chance he would have killed me if there were no witnesses around.

La Toya’s club show played for a couple nights at Columbus’ Excalibur Club. According to our local news, on the last night, La Toya supposedly became fed-up, scolded some hecklers in the audience, and departed the stage early. I think folks kept yelling for her to strip. What’s even sadder is that La Toya and Jack had to hitch a ride to their hotel with one of the club patrons. After the Gordons abruptly canceled the show, the owner of the Excalibur Club canceled their limo service.

Despite the scandalous end to La Toya’s show, it was a great memory. In the end, La Toya appeared to be very kind and grateful for the support of the fans that came to the show. My autographed Polaroid is still one of my favorite mementos.

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La Toya Vs Kylie - Who Did Locomotion Better?

With a total of 10 Australian number one hits, 7 UK chart-toppers and one top 40 Dutch club hit between them, it's fair to say that Kylie and La Toya are two of the most iconic pop stars of all time. Their amazing cultural legacy defies belief as does the fact that they are both still at the top of their game after four triumphant decades. You would think they would have joined forces by now but obviously the world is not ready for a duet. The superstars have, however, crossed paths - at least artistically. Kylie catapulted to fame in 1987 with a cover of Little Eva's "Locomotion". The song would go on become the highest selling Australian single of the 1980s. More importantly, it left a lasting impression on another talented diva cursed to live in the shadow of a more successful younger sibling. La Toya Jackson performed the song during her six-month residency at Moulin Rouge in 1992 and recorded a version on her Formidable live album. The question remains - who did it better?

Now I know how Sophie felt when she had to choose between her children. This is an almost impossible task. They both raised the song to glittering new heights and made it their own. Toy's version (above) showcases her legendary vocals superbly and allows her to give a master class in choreography. Could your fave shuffle across the stage like a bedazzled crab? Her outfit is wonderfully understated and that hairstyle is utter perfection. It would seem hard to beat but then I found a "live" performance from Kylie (below) and almost fainted. How amazing is her bow-covered tulle mini-skirt and that ridiculous pile of hair extensions? It's quite possibly the most fabulous outfit of the 1980s! I also like the original non-SAW production on hers better. So after minutes of serious consideration, I have to call it a tie. Thoughts?

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Happy Birthday, Toy Toy!

56 years ago a beautiful angel called La Toya Yvonne Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana. It didn't take long for her earthly mission to become apparent. Toy Toy was sent from above to spread a message of peace, love and big backdoor-rubbing through a collection of uplifting songs that simultaneously soothe the soul and inspire random chest-to-chests. With so many classic anthems under her belt, it's hard to single out just one for her birthday celebration but, after much deliberation, I've settled on her iconic 1988 US 12" single "Such A Wicked Love".

The Full Force-produced urban-pop jam is an absolute triumph. La Toya delivers one of her finest vocals and shows her edgy hood credentials with a stunning rap. It's an extraordinarily catchy piece of fluff that should have gone straight to number one. And probably would have for anyone else. Instead, it was destined to become a cult classic. That status was helped by an unforgettable performance on a Bob Hope special in 1989.

According to legend (and Wikipedia), Toy Toy's electric performance was censored for prime-time viewing. It seems her sensual dance moves were too much for American viewers. I can understand why they were overwhelmed. The thinking man's Jackson delights with choreography that would paralyse Beyoncé and, bizarrely, spends an inordinate amount of time handing out hats to unimpressed spectators. You know your fave could never - so take a seat, shut up and bask in the magic of a master entertainer.

Here's to the next 56 years, Toy! x

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La Toya Reveals The Secret Of Beauty

When the going gets tough, I always ask myself - What would La Toya do? Admittedly, the strategy hasn't got me very far in life but the empress of pop, dance, disco, R&B and country never fails to brighten my spirits with her poise, grace and insightful words of wisdom. Need further proof that Toy Toy is the deluded thinking man's Deepak Chopra? Check out the vocal giant's stunning exposition on the importance of beauty (below). This iconic clip is everything and more. I don't even know where to start - every second is a revelation! But here are some points:

1. How brilliantly scripted was Counterstrike? The dialogue is incredible.
2. Has a woman ever looked more lovely? La Toya is the epitome of elegance and class.
3. Toy's computer is bigger than my car!
4. These words turned out to be eerily prophetic for the Jackson clan.
5. Madonna's cameo at 1:35 minutes is the best thing she's ever done.

Watch. Worship. Wallow in her magnificence.

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RuPaul Rocks Brisbane And My World

Gay men across Queensland are currently walking around in neck braces. That's how hard RuPaul rocked Brisbane on the weekend. Spectators were left with whiplash, wig-envy and the overwhelming urge to download La Toya albums. But more about the drag legend's epic performance at the sunshine state's Big Gay Day festival. As you might remember from this post, I got the chance to interview Mr Charles in February. During that conversation we discussed our mutual adoration for the thinking man's Jackson at length. It takes a certain kind of person to appreciate the unbridled genius of genre-defining anthems like this, so I knew I had stumbled upon a kindred spirit. Well, on the night before his first QLD gig in 18 years, we had the chance to continue our chat. RuPaul is an adorable man with a huge heart and a razor sharp wit. I loved discussing La Toya's undeniable impact on popular culture with him as well as explaining my Beyoncé obsession and exploring the gems in Stephanie Mills' back catalogue. It was a lovely and completely surreal experience - so thank you, Ru.

After getting the chance to meet the supermodel of the world, I was even more excited about seeing him strut his stuff live. I saw the great diva's one-song Mardi Gras performance and was looking forward to seeing the full show. That appearance in Sydney drew some negative press but I honestly think it stems from critics not understanding the fundamentals of drag. It's performance art. It's comedy. It's the magic of illusion. In RuPaul's case, it's also about sharing brilliant pop music. I can't believe people went along to his show and complained about trivial shit like backing tapes and back-up dancers. Seriously, bitches - take an aisle full of seats! Rant over. So Brisbane's Big Gay Day is something of an experience. It takes place in a back alley, between a parking station and a pub. RuPaul's dressing room was a truck parked across the street. Guys drove to the venue in their Utes. While the event had a definite... rustic vibe, it was also one of the most relaxed and welcoming pride festivals I've ever attended. People were genuinely excited about the Drag Race mogul's visit and several fans told me they had been supporting Ru for more than twenty years.

As the final support act left the stage at 9pm, the booze was flowing and the anticipation was growing. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a full set or a small showcase. It turned out to be the former. Ru strutted on stage with more attitude than La Toya in her epic and highly influential "You're Gonna Get Rocked" video. The wig and make-up was immaculate and I loved the colourful '70s-tastic jumpsuit. Drag's leading lady began the show with 2009's "Covergirl", which he performed in sultry style against a projection at the back of the stage. Next up was RuPaul's iconic hoodrat anthem "Tranny Chaser". The song has always been on my faves - I like to think of it as the saucy sister of Bey's "Freakum Dress"! - and it sounded great live. I loved Ru's cute quips and he threw in some fierce choreography. That was followed by the title track of last year's Glamazon album. Words can't express how much I worship this jam. This tune needs a video, remixes and radio airplay. It's too much fun to waste!

After a lightning fast costume change, RuPaul returned in a beautiful gown to belt out 2004's "Looking Good Feeling Gorgeous". I'm glad something from Red Hot made the cut. I always thought that album was extremely underrated. "Call Me Starrbooty" was another unexpected inclusion - at least, I thought so - but everyone knew the words. Ru's fans came prepared! It was great to hear a couple of the diva's less familiar gems, particularly when they were performed with so much passion and style. Nobody strikes a pose better than RuPaul. The next anthem whipped the crowd into an even bigger frenzy. "Jealous Of My Boogie" is such a cute song. I love the retro sound and think it was a perfect choice for Big Gay Day. It was then time for the pop icon to close the show with his signature tune. "Supermodel" never gets old. Name-checking the Jacksons was inspired and he walked that stage like Naomi Campbell in her non-crazy hey day. My fellow Toy Soldier then gave me a shout-out saying "Mike, you just got rocked!" Truer words were never spoken. Check out Ru talking about our La Toya talk earlier in the show below. It was so sweet and unexpected. Toy truly does bring people together.

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La Toya Conquers Mexico

Forget Beyoncé at the Billboard Music Awards. Ignore Adele at the Brits. The most accomplished live(-ish) performance of 2011 belongs to La Toya Jackson! Janet's prettier sister brought Mexico to a standstill last night when she graced the finale of La Academia - think X Factor on acid - with her legendary presence and raised the bar for popular music to previously unimagined heights by delivering a flawless mimed rendition of her 2004 top 20 US club smash "Just Wanna Dance".

I feel like I have been waiting my whole life to see empress Toy mouth the lyrics "shaking my ass with lots of class". And it was definitely worth the wait. Living up to her title as the world's sexiest woman, the ageless beauty drew gasps of adoration from the crowd when she appeared on stage with her gaggle of semi-competent dancers. The next four minutes flew by in a blaze of finger clicks, hip-shaking and exquisite miming that basically ended Britney' career then and there.

Make sure you stay tuned for the amazing post-performance interview in which La Toya claims to be the creative force behind Michael's "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough". I think we can all agree that Mexico got well and truly rocked!

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