Where the fuck is Beyoncé's new single?

Back off, Hive. This pic is everything to me!

At first I was highly amused that King B did Super Bowl just for the fuck of it. Who else delivers a devastatingly brilliant performance on the world's biggest stage without having something to hawk? That is some boss shit and it's a revelation to see an artist not chasing promo the way Juicy J hunts ratchet pussy. But then things started to get weird. It felt odd that Beyoncé would sit down with Oprah and unveil her critically-acclaimed, cinema-changing documentary with no announcement of a new single. But the announcement of tour dates and subsequent ticket-selling frenzy confirmed new material was on the horizon. Right?

Well, the Mrs Carter Show kicks off in Serbia - could your fave? - next month and we don't have as much as the title of a new song. Let alone a new album. At the moment it feels like we're going to get the 4 world tour, which is fine with me, but would probably annoy some classless punters. The thing is we know she's been in the studio and radio stations have been advised that a new single is imminent. But how is she going to promote it when she's slaying the former Yugoslavia? You have to do the rounds these days. Bey just can't perform on one show and then disappear for a couple of months. Actually, the 17-time Grammy winner can do whatever the fuck she wants - as long as she's happy with an underperforming lead single.

I have faith in my lord and saviour Beyoncé Giselle Carter Knowles and I'm sure she has a plan. I just don't want another debacle like the 4 era when the lead single was thrown on iTunes a month before the video dropped and her two-day promo blitz began. If she pulls that shit again, I'll drag her myself. Anyway, let's all watch the jaw-droppingly amazing Mrs Carter Show advert again and bask in the Queen's flawlessness.

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The 4 Era - Not Over Yet?

Since slaying the game for the umpteenth time in career at Revel a couple of weeks ago, there has been some speculation about Beyoncé's next move. Some "insiders" (ie. delusional stans) predict a world tour and an official "End Of Time" video, while others say she is already working on her fifth genre-defining masterpiece. The truth might be somewhere in the middle. About a month ago I was lucky enough to hear two official remixes for as yet unreleased singles from 4. The songs in question were "I Was Here" - not that surprising given its status a quasi-single in Australia and recent destruction on Glee - and "Start Over". The latter was a real shock.

For me "Start Over" is easily the worst song on 4 but the remix is absolutely incredible. The mid-tempo snooze has been transformed into a dark and dangerous house anthem that stands toe-to-toe with Bey's best club-bangers. Both remixes were done by a high-profile DJ outfit that has worked with King B several times in the past but as yet they remain on the shelf gathering dust next to the 40 or so other songs Beyoncé recorded for the best album of 2011. The question remains - what are they for? Remixes for a belated club release like "Why Don't You Love Me?" or tracks for a scrapped remix album? I guess only time will tell. In the meantime, imagine how much better "Start Over" (below) would sound with dirty house beats.

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Beyoncé To Release "4: The Remix" EP

Let's just get this out of the way. That cover is the most hideous thing I have ever seen. And I own 23 different versions of La Toya's "Bad Girl"! Seriously, it's almost enough to distract you from the brilliance of Beyoncé's latest offering. You see, King B has blessed nightclubs with a 6 track EP of her favourite remixes called - funnily enough - "4: The Remix". The package includes the amazing winner of her "End Of Time" competition as well as hot mixes by Dave Audé and WAWA. I really hope there's a physical release because it will take pride of place next to her Spanish EP and the "Sasha Fierce" remix album in my shrine. Check out the tracklist below. Bey's era-defining collection of club hits rocks iTunes on April 24.

1. "Run the World (Girls)" Dave Audé Club Remix
2. "Countdown" Isa Machine Remix
3. "Best Thing I Never Had" Lars B Remix
4. "Love On Top" DJ Escape & Tony Coluccio Remix
5. "End Of Time" WAWA Extended
6. "End Of Time" JIMEK Remix

Speaking of the "End Of Time" remix competition, watch her majesty call the winner (below). How adorable is the most successful artist of the millennium? So much humility and grace! I just don't understand why this guy is able to talk. If Bey hit me up on Skype, I'd already be in rigor mortis.

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Beyoncé To Re-Release 4

*ring, ring*

"Hello"

"Hai Mike! It's your Lord and saviour Beyoncé."

"Yes, my Queen?"

"FYI I'm re-releasing 4 in May with - you guessed it, boo - four new tracks and the entire Year Of 4 documentary."

"Can. Not. Breathe."

"Imma show the lessors who's boss! But now I gotta go wipe Blue Ivy's arse with $100 bills."

"Ok, bye."

Read more about the musical event of the year here.

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Beyoncé: Absolutely 4lawless

All hail the return of King B! The Queen of Soul/R&B/Pop/Folk etc etc made her first public appearance since giving birth to our saviour Blue Ivy at a Jay Z concert tonight and she looks hotter than your fave after being trapped in a sunbed for three hours. I love the sexy dress, I'm glad she's moved on from the faux Shakira bed-hair that plagued the entire 4 era and those post-baby boobies have me questioning my lifestyle. At this rate, Bey will be back to release the 17th single from her genre-defining opus before we know it. You mad?

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Beyoncé's 4th Australian Single Is...

"I Was Here". That is straight from Sony Australia's PR department, so it's 100% official. The Diane Warren-penned power ballad was sent to radio on Monday and should impact the airplay chart this Friday. I don't know how I feel about this. On the one hand, "Party" and "Countdown" would not work here - the former is too urban and the latter is just too quirky for our airwaves. On the other, "I Was Here" does not exactly scream summer smash. Don't get me wrong. I love the song to bits and have a minor breakdown every time I hear it but the soaring anthem is a bit hard to swallow in between the latest fluff from Katy Perry and Ke$ha.

The obvious choice would have been "End Of Time" or maybe even the amazing "Schoolin' Life" (if they wanted to get creative). Both tracks are infectious summer jams with sing-a-long choruses but what do I know? Bey's last three Australian singles have reached the top 20 and gone platinum, so it will be interesting to see how well this does. I have my fingers crossed for a non-Roseland video or at least an official digital release with a cover. I will even make it myself. For free. Please? Time to start requesting/downloading. If this takes off we might just get a "4" re-release!

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Bey Outsells Your Faves (Unless They're Adele Or Gaga) - You Mad?

It's official. "4" is a US chart smash, shifting almost a million copies since its July release to land at number 7 on Billboard's list of 2011's best-sellers. Quite an achievement for an album that dared to stray from the well-worn Dr. Luke/Max Martin/RedOne path to chart glory. It's even more impressive when you consider that Beyoncé only promoted two singles before announcing her pregnancy and is yet to land a top 10 hit this era. I guess it just goes to prove that people are still interested in quality music.

As for the rest, 2011 was Adele's year. "21" slayed the field and those numbers will continue to grow well into 2012. Even if you subtract the 500,000 albums that Lady Gaga gave away for free, "Born This Way" is still a huge success but clearly not the all-conquering smash she claimed it would be. More impressive is Katy Perry, who showed real staying power with "Teenage Dream" and rising country star Jason Aldean. He owes at least some of that success to his brilliant Kelly Clarkson duet, so kudos to her too. Here are the best-selling albums of 2011 in America, as of this week:

1. 21 - Adele 4,533,000
2. Born This Way - Lady Gaga 1,902,000
3. Tha Carter IV - Lil Wayne 1,693,000
4. My Kinda Party - Jason Aldean 1,337,000
5. Sign No More - Mumford & Sons 1,294,000
6. Watch The Throne - Jay-Z & Kanye West 1,070,000
7. 4 - Beyoncé 921,000
8. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry 872,000
9. Doo-Wops & Hooligans - 871,000
10. Own The Night - Lady Antebellum - 814,000

On the topic of Bey, here's the alternate version of "Countdown" without the borrowed choreography from that Dutch ballet. It's still cute but I prefer the original.

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Why 'Dance For You' Is The Worst Video Of The '4' Era

Before I get into why "Dance For You" is the first visual fail of the "4" era, I would like to qualify this post by reminding everyone that Bey's film noir adventure is just a random clip for a song on her DVD anthology. It's not a random international release like "Love On Top" or even a buzz single like "1+1". The fact that Queen B took time out from running the world to make it at all is blessing and I definitely wasn't expecting a big budget or mind-blowing choreography. But I hoped the video would suit the song and fit within the "4" era's classy aesthetic. Unfortunately, it disappoints on both counts.

"Dance For You" is one of my favourite songs on the album. I still can't believe it was wasted as a bonus track and think it could have been a single if edited down from its distinctly un-radio friendly 6:17 minute running time. For me, The-Dream's lush mid-tempo ballad sums up what "4" is all about - a blissful declaration of love and loyalty. Everything about it makes me melt. Which is probably why I'm so annoyed by the plot, which basically involves Bey walking into a room and dancing like a stripper for a guy who I assume is her client. Some fans are convinced it's her man but I think this sleazy douchebag paid for the show! Then there's the choreography. I thought Beyoncé had evolved past shameless pussy-popping. Her other videos have been effortlessly sexy without being slutty, while this is the kind of thing Rihanna would do if she was attractive and could dance.

On the bright side, I love the black and white photography and the 16-time Grammy winner looks absolutely beautiful. You can tell this was filmed after the other videos because she looks distinctly more voluptuous. Also props for the stunning use of multiple wind machines and the genuinely sexy choreography from about the 3:15 minute mark. This isn't a bad video. It's just a disappointing fit for an exquisite anthem that could have ended my favourite Bey era on a high note. Now bring on that Live DVD so I can return to my usual stanning.

6/10

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Beyoncé Notches Up 3rd Platinum Single From '4'

Australia is quickly turning into one of Beyoncé's biggest markets. This week King B racks up her third consecutive platinum single with "Love On Top" passing 75,000 downloads sold. I actually think the song would have performed even better if it got an official digital release with the video edit and/or Mike Rizzo remix but it's hard to knock another top 20 hit. That raises the question of Bey's next Australian single. I asked Sony that very question when I interviewed Stan Walker on Friday and was told that it's still up in the air. However, they confirmed it wouldn't be "Countdown". They also let slip that "Dance For You" would be serviced to TV next week in the same way that "Countdown" and "1+1" were (ie. without being officially released as singles). Perhaps if it proves popular they might change their mind. After all, there are no other videos to choose from! And, in many ways, "Dance For You" picks up where "Love On Top" left off - with a killer old-school groove and seriously loved-up lyrics. Who cares if the dreamy anthem goes for 7 minutes? Radio will deal!

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A Double Dose Of Beyoncé Live

Queen B dropped two live videos today to promote her soon-to-be-released "Live At Roseland" DVD. Needless to say both are flawless demonstrations in wig snatching but I have a huge problem with the "End Of Time" clip. Why is footage from Glastonbury spliced into it? I was lucky enough to be at her first Roseland concert and it was breathtaking from beginning to end. There's no need to cut other performances into it. Hopefully they just jazzed up "End Of Time" so it can be used as the world's cheapest official video at a later date because I will be inconsolable if they use this on the DVD. It's so unnecessary it almost defies belief. Apart from that, it's must-see material:

While "End Of Time"gives me the shits, I have spent the past 5 or 6 hours watching "I Was Here" on repeat. This triumph is giving me life. From the heartfelt vocal to the home movies, this the muscal equivalent of Beaches. Bey has been at this her whole life. Happily for her, practice did make perfect. Watch history below.

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Who Runs YouTube?

"Run The World (Girls)" has just passed 100,000,000 views on YouTube. Swallow that bitter pill, haters! While not a record by any means - Justin Bieber's "Baby" has been viewed 600,000,000+ times - more people have tuned in to watch Bey's Tofo Tofo dance and growling hyenas than Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" or Britney's "Hold It Against Me". Not bad for a song that only reached #29 in America. This is further proof for me that the schizophrenic jam was ahead of its time. People just couldn't get their head around it but were fascinated enough to keep coming back for more. Which explains why it's still hanging around iTunes all these months later and creeping towards a platinum certification in the States. Re-live the wonder of a goddess at the top of her game below.

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Beyoncé Throws The Best Party EVER

From the post-apocalyptic drama of "Run The World (Girls)" to the zero-budget performance video for "Love On Top", Beyoncé has delivered a bit of everything this era. And while I definitely like some of the concepts more ("Countdown") than others ("1+1"), the videos have all suited the material and shown off Queen B's legendary versatility. It seems fitting then that she keep the best for last.

Actually, that's not quite right. "Party" isn't the best video from "4" - that would be "Countdown" or "Run The World (Girls)" - but it's my favourite. I love it when Bey lets her mask slip a bit and has a bit of fun. Like when she raided the liquor cabinet in "Why Don't You Love Me?" before dusting her 16 Grammys. Sometimes I think the most successful artist of the millennium over thinks things in the pursuit of excellence, so it's nice for her to take a step back and deliver this rambling, yet incredibly enjoyable, mess. Which she directed herself. Respect.

The concept:

Beyoncé throws a party in a trailer park and invites over a bunch of friends that include her superstar sister Solange, former Destiny's Child bandmate Kelly Rowland and rapper J.Cole.

Why it works:

1. The clip suits the lyrics perfectly. This is a party I would love to attend... if only to see Bey mow the lawn stilettos and little else.

2. It is a high-camp extravaganza. This is what I imagine a street party thrown by the cast of RuPaul's Drag Race would look like. Hair rollers and short shorts as far as the eye can see.

3. Kelly Rowland's presence adds some serious star power to the proceedings!

4. The sight of Beyoncé doing her make-up on the toilet. Millie Jackson approves.

5. Ghetto fabulous fashion that will make your head spin.

6. Excerpts from the diva's "Year Of 4" documentary add to the clip's homespun charm. It's completely unnecessary but cracks me up.

7. The trashy Cassie look-a-like.

The negatives:

Michelle Williams' invitation was obviously lost in the mail. Rude.

The verdict:

Move aside, BB Homemaker. Trailer park Betty is the new Queen of my heart.

10/10

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Beyoncé's Urban Smash Gets J.Cole Remix & Lil' Kim's Approval

Beyoncé's "4" campaign is already more complicated than Inception with three different singles being promoted simultaneously but things are about to get even weirder when two versions of her current urban smash go to radio. While "Party" took a while to grow on me, the song has since become a firm favourite. I also think it could turn out to be something of a sleeper hit. The slick Kanye West-produced slow jam is exploding on R&B radio (see below) and is winning unexpected fans. Like the legendary Lil' Kim, who was recently filmed getting down to the track on her tour bus. Could your fave have this effect on rap royalty? The overwhelmingly positive response to "Party" makes the decision to butcher it all the more perplexing.

I'm not a huge fan of André 3000 but his rap makes the song for me. It's quirky and gives "Party" an unexpected '90s feel that sets it apart from the rest of the field. While remixes are nothing new, switching the featured artist for radio is a bit unusual. Don't get me wrong. I like J.Cole - a lot more than I like the former Outkast frontman - but his version is a bit stilted. Maybe I'm just used to the original. In any case, we'd better get used to it because J.Cole appears in the video alongside fellow R&B legends Kelly Rowland and Solange. That opus premieres tomorrow in America (so Wednesday over here). I'm already crying and shaking in anticipation! Here's the new version "Party" to get you ready.

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Love On Top - Video Review

Before reviewing Beyoncé's latest video triumph, I think I should try to explain the "4" campaign - if that's even possible - because a lot people have been asking me why there are so many videos. Here goes:

1. Run The World (Girls) - First Single
2. Best Thing I Never Had - Second Single
3. 1 + 1 - Random Promo Video
4. Countdown - Third US Single (Pop)
5. Love On Top - Third Aus/NZ Single
6. Party - Third US Single (R&B/Urban)

It's all a bit confusing but as far as Australia is concerned, "Love On Top" is currently the focus. Which makes today's video release rather timely given the song's top 20 position on iTunes - mainly on the back of radio airplay. So has Queen B delivered another era-defining visual masterpiece to assist her latest smash-in-waiting? The short answer is no. Has she dropped a fun clip that still slays your fave with its good-natured simplicity? Yep.

As I hinted in my "Love On Top" preview post, this is a cheap and cheerful affair. The clip looks like it was filmed on Solange's iPhone with a $10 budget but that is part of its considerable charm. The no frills approach suits the song's retro-sound and puts the emphasis back on the music. An approach that admittedly would end the careers of non-singers like Rihanna and Britney. However, in Bey's talented hands, it works a treat. I love the cute dance routine and the Earth Wind & Fire-tastic costume changes. That final outfit is visual Viagra and her hair-whipping at the end will be copied by drag queens for decades to come.

And now for the haters because they love my blog:

1. Bey uses a microphone. I believe this has been done before.
2. There is a boyband theme. Again, boybands existed prior to this clip.
3. This is an obvious nod to New Edition and Boyz II Men. Who also danced in an empty room.
4. She is wearing a leather cap. Homosexuals did this first.
5. Kylie also spent no money on her "Better Than Today" clip.
6. Beyoncé wears a top hat and tails, which clearly copies every woman who has ever appeared on Broadway in the past 100 years.
7. She breathes air in this clip. An activity previously captured on film.

9/10

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Love On Top - A Tribute To La Toya

Christmas came early yesterday. Not only did Sunday Night - a dire Australian current affairs program - screen an interview with Beyoncé, they also debuted her "Love On Top" video. Well, a 90 second preview. Not that I'm complaining. I almost choked on a Tim Tam when the clip started. We all know there are videos for "Party" and "End Of Time" gathering dust on Bey's hard drive but I honestly doubted the existence of this one. Surely it would have made more sense to release it straight after the VMAs. You know, when the song was top 10 on iTunes. But better late than never. After overcoming the shock, I had a stunning epiphany. "Love On Top" is clearly a tribute to fellow pop icon La Toya Jackson. It makes sense. They are both peerless beauties, powerhouse vocalists and big in Poland. Furthermore, Bey said that "4" was inspired by R&B legends like Prince and Stevie Wonder. She obviously just forgot to mention Toy Toy. Here are 5 undeniably compelling reasons why "Love On Top" is a moving homage to the thinking man's Jackson.

1. That cap

This was a dead giveaway. When you think about cap wearing mega-stars, who automatically springs to mind? La Toya Jackson. The raven-haired goddess made leather caps the ultimate fashion trend of the 1980s for gay men and soul singers. I'm so glad Bey is bringing it back!

2. Breathtaking choreography

One look at La Toya's "Bad Girl" video (above) proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is the true dancing machine of the Jackson clan. So naturally the most successful artist of the millennium threw in a compelling routine to honour Toy's ground-breaking contribution to modern dance.

3. The Motown sound

"Love On Top" harks back to the sweet soul of Motown - a genre synonymous with La Toya. Listen to her exquisite cover of "Stop In The Name Of Love" if you require further convincing.

4. Her outfit

I thought Bey's leotard looked familiar. She was obviously rifling through Matthew's old VHS collection and found a well-used copy of Toy's Playboy video. The resemblance is uncanny!

5. The low-budget production

Seriously, the only thing cheaper than "Love On Top" is Toy Toy's exquisite "(Ain't Nobody Loves You) Like I Do". And like that 80s classic, the visual fits the song perfectly and still slays all your faves. The end.

Watch in awe as Bey tackles Toy's legacy below.

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Bey's Life-Changing Countdown Preview

It's official. Beyoncé's greatness is boundless. While the rest of the game is churning out half-arsed videos that look like they've been filmed on a friend's iPhone, the most successful artist of the millennium is producing visual art. In the 16-time Grammy-winner's latest clip, she pays tribute to the late, great Audrey Hepburn and uses split screens to accompany the numeric countdown in the chorus. It's crisp, clever and further proof that the ex-DC diva is in a league of her own when it comes to blending influences. Damn. Bey slayed your rancid fave in 30 seconds. I guess it sucks to be you right now.

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Beyoncé's Mystery Third Single

As much as I worship at the alter of "4", there's no denying that the album's promo campaign is the year's hottest mess. "Run The World (Girls)" sat on iTunes for a month with no video or promotion before being thrown away like a used condom after Bey's iconic BBMA performance/ground-breaking Oprah appearance. She then rushed out "Irreplaceable 2011" within weeks - but not before performing "1+1" on American Idol and "End Of Time" at the BET Awards. "Best Thing" didn't exactly set the charts on fire but it was a top 3 hit in the UK and climbed into the US top 20. However, instead of performing it at the VMAs, Queen B announced her pregnancy by belting out "Love On Top" despite naming "Party" as a possible single and releasing a random video for "1+1". Is anyone else confused?

I kind of love that Beyoncé is promoting the album as a whole instead of focusing on individual singles but this is getting ridiculous. "Love On Top" exploded on US iTunes after baby-gate but has steadily fallen with no promotion or video. Meanwhile "Best Thing" has got a second lease of life on urban radio - it's currently sitting at #2 - and "Party" is finally starting to gain some traction. That jam debuted on the urban airplay chart this week at #37. In Australia it's just as confusing. "1+1" is on high rotation on Channel V, Max and MTV but "Love On Top" is rocketing up iTunes after the diva's surprise appearance on X Factor. For the record, I think "Love On Top" or "End Of Time" are good choices for single number three but I'd be happy with anything. I'd just like to know!

On the bright side, Bey can take some comfort in the fact that she hasn't been reduced to opening for Chris Brown like Ms Kelly. Her former Destiny's Child bandmate looked at bit worse for wear in Toronto - maybe she finally saw the sales figures of "Here I Am" - but I'm glad she's still out there working it. As Khia would say - get money, bitch! And damn, if she doesn't have four of the hottest male dancers in the business. Fast forward to the one minute mark for the year's best sausage fest. Someone is going to lose an eye!

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