The 15 Worst Videos Of 2012

Let the fun continue! Much like my worst albums countdown, choosing the shittest music videos of the year was like shooting fish in a barrel. I don't know what happened to the art of the music in 2012. Lana Del Rey was the only bitch that actually gave a fuck. The rest of game just opted for cheap and cheerful trash. Although, as these offenders prove, even that can be hard to pull off. I tried not to be swayed by low budgets and bad production values for independent acts and newcomers. However, the big names did not get off so easy.

So here goes. These are the year's 15 most pointless MVs:

15. I Heart You - Toni Braxton (Video)

I stan for this broke bitch - and actually rather like this song - but her "I Heart You" video is unforgivable. Toni looks like a mental patient as she poses in a bunch of unflattering outfits while dancers half her age cavort in front of some kind of budget green screen. It would have been less embarrassing if she sat on the toilet and hand-danced like Kylie.

14. Crazy - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Sometimes I think it's impossible to make a decent music video in Australia. Ricki-Lee's label actually spent money on "Crazy" and ended up with a virtuoso display of bad photography, worse styling and embarrassing choreography. It didn't help that the star of the show was almost unrecognizable with unflattering blond hair and a selection of outfits picked up from the Tool Shed.  

13. Rocks Off - Daniel Bendingfield (Video)

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for pop stars flashing their dicks in music videos - Frank Ocean, you're up next! - but dressing up an obvious cry for attention as some kind of edgy art piece is beyond insincere. Who could have guessed that Daniel would turn out to be the thirstiest diva in the game?  

12. Echo - Foxes (Video)

Foxes is one of the most promising female artists on the planet. I love every song she has released - including this one - but just can't get past the idiotic video. She looks absolutely demented sitting there with an eye mask over her forehead and the whole love-affair-with-a-crash-test-dummy storyline made me want to pull my eyes from their socket. An epic fail on every level.  

11. Waiting On You - Michelle Williams and Ultra Nate (Video)

I wasn't expecting "Telephone" but this has to be a pisstake, no?  

10. Do It Like That - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Ricki-Lee struck out again with this shocker. A cheap but not cheerful "Crazy In Love" rip-off that looks like it was filmed for $10 on someone's iPhone. That budget also covered the Supre fashion and five minute dance lesson that someone gave the former Young Diva before filming.  

9. Give Me All Your Luvin' - Madonna (Video)

Madonna did it for the kids on "Give Me All Your Luvin'" and made herself look twice as old in the process. For every good idea - the pram is funny - there's a ridiculous scene like the shenanigans in the vodka bar. And what's with Nicki and MIA? The latter looks absolutely miserable - as if she could sense her credibility melting away in front of her very eyes.

8. Call My Name - Cheryl Cole (Video)

I'm not even going to lie. "Call My Name" is the best song Cheryl has ever released and I grew to love it despite her terrible vocal. Which makes this video all the more annoying. Why would you give a club song the urban video treatment? More importantly, what is with this choreography? Chezza looks like she's been struck with epilepsy. Embarrassing.

7. Beauty And A Beat - Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj (Video)

So 43-year-old Nicki Minaj hangs out at a children's waterpark "rapping" about a teenager's "wiener" and nobody bats at eyelid? Shame on you all. I'm calling the police.

6. Wildest Dreams - Brandy (Video)

Damn, Brandy. I know times are tough but this is the cheapest video I have ever seen from a mainstream pop star. It looks like rehearsal footage pieced together by an intern using Windows moviemaker. Seriously, why even bother? This was never going to be played on television. What a waste of a good song!  

5. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)

I'm really not here to watch this cunt model evening gowns.  

4. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)

Madonna looks really good in this video. Shame she spends it dancing with a bunch of Ukrainian gays in high heels. I don't understand why Vadge keeps churning out these low budget shockers. She has enough cash to make an amazing video - why not spend it? And please stop pandering to the gays. I know we're the only people who buy her music but it's starting to get uncomfortable. Like an overenthusiastic car salesman.

3. Girl On Fire - Alicia Keys (Video)

It's not every day that someone releases a video so bad that it actually ruins a great song for you. Alicia's "Girl On Fire" is an epic track but apparently it's about fancy wallpaper and doing household chores if this shocker is any indication. So bad it's absolutely mystifying.  

2. Scream & Shout - Britney and will.i.am (Video)

There's really no excuse for how jaw-droppingly bad this video is. Everything about it is second rate. From the special effects to that horrible wig on Britney's head. It's like they were in such a rush to get it out that they filmed it in afternoon and edited it in the taxi on the way back from the studio. Watching this will give you retinal damage.  

1. Pound The Alarm - Nicki Minaj (below)

If you want to watch Nicki shake her fake tits for four minutes, then this is the video for you. Enjoy!

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Alicia Keys' Girl On Fire - Video Review

What the fuck is this? "Girl On Fire" had me under its spell from the first listen and I've been patiently waiting for an equally flawless visual to accompany the song. Instead we get Alicia Key's doing housework and paying her bills. Come again? I honestly can't remember the last time a video for a major artist missed the mark this badly. A good film clip adds another dimension to a song. This doesn't even reflect the tortured lyrical content. When I think about a girl on fire, I imagine a woman battling her inner demons - not sweeping the floor.

At least Alicia looks good. The styling and cinematography is beautiful and I love all that green light. For the first 15 seconds I was really excited. But then the 31-year-old superstar just stands in front of some pretty wallpaper and does some chores. I get it. She's a mother, a daughter. But the whole damn clip jumps the shark when she starts doing magical housework. And I'm not being rude - but choreographed meal preparation? Is AK angling for a spot on the Food Network? Then there's the whole lame sub-plot with her husband/boyfriend trying to steal her headphones. By that stage I really had zero fucks left to give.

Something went seriously wrong here. "Girl On Fire" is a concerted effort to give Alicia a more commercial sound after slipping into adult contemporary territory on The Elements Of Freedom. Instead of winning back younger fans, this visual will only appeal to housewives wishing they had magical cleaning powers. I get what she was going for - her point is that every female is a superhero but if she wanted her video to reflect a woman's struggle why not make it realistic? This plays like black Mary Poppins on mushrooms. What a bitter disappointment.

3/10

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Alicia Keys - Girl On Fire - Review

The R&B baton has been passed to Alicia Keys while Beyoncé works on her next game-changing masterpiece and she clearly means business. I thought buzz single "New Day" was a minor triumph but "Girl On Fire" is some next level shit. Released in three different formats (pared-back ballad, mid-tempo pop song and urban radio-friendly club banger), the Jeff Bhasker/Salaam Remi-produced anthem should usher in another record-breaking era for Alicia. It's that good.

I was completely obsessed with AK's last album but it lacked a killer lead single like "Fallin'" or "No One". That situation has been remedied. "Girl On Fire" has drawn criticism for dumbing down Alicia's sound but I think that's ridiculous. Sure, the song is a calculated attempt to win back the kids. So what? The woman is 31 years old. She should be making commercial music. If the poor bitch came back with a power ballad, the same critics would be whinging about her churning out the same old thing.

What I love about "Girl On Fire" - apart from the goosebump-inducing vocal, flawless production and haunting chorus - is the fact that it lifts your generic urban-pop hit from the gutter and transforms it into art. Take the Inferno version (below). It sounds like a slick hip-hop revision "Empire State Of Mind (Part 2)" and boasts the best rap Nicki Minaj has delivered since "Monster". Alicia's similarly titled album is now my most eagerly-awaited of 2012. Watch this explode.

10/10

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Alicia Keys Drops B'Day-Inspired Club Banger

Working with Beyoncé on "Put It In A Love Song" obviously rubbed off on Alicia Keys because her new single sounds like a cut from Queen B's game-changing B'Day album. I know that sounds like shade but it's not. I love the upbeat, percussion-heavy R&B sound that Bey's 2006 opus introduced to the masses and "New Day" (below) is one of the best songs to derive inspiration from that sound. Produced by AK's husband Swizz Beatz, the slick club-banger represents a radical change of pace from the gentle Element Of Freedom era. Alicia pulls off the transformation from soulful songstress to club doyenne effortlessly and tears up the vocal like only she can. I love the drum-heavy production and that chorus is a total grower. Give it a couple of listens and you'll be hooked! I'm almost disappointed that this isn't the lead single from the R&B icon's new album. If she has better tunes than this in the can, we're in for something really special.

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