The 15 Worst Videos Of 2012

Let the fun continue! Much like my worst albums countdown, choosing the shittest music videos of the year was like shooting fish in a barrel. I don't know what happened to the art of the music in 2012. Lana Del Rey was the only bitch that actually gave a fuck. The rest of game just opted for cheap and cheerful trash. Although, as these offenders prove, even that can be hard to pull off. I tried not to be swayed by low budgets and bad production values for independent acts and newcomers. However, the big names did not get off so easy.

So here goes. These are the year's 15 most pointless MVs:

15. I Heart You - Toni Braxton (Video)

I stan for this broke bitch - and actually rather like this song - but her "I Heart You" video is unforgivable. Toni looks like a mental patient as she poses in a bunch of unflattering outfits while dancers half her age cavort in front of some kind of budget green screen. It would have been less embarrassing if she sat on the toilet and hand-danced like Kylie.

14. Crazy - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Sometimes I think it's impossible to make a decent music video in Australia. Ricki-Lee's label actually spent money on "Crazy" and ended up with a virtuoso display of bad photography, worse styling and embarrassing choreography. It didn't help that the star of the show was almost unrecognizable with unflattering blond hair and a selection of outfits picked up from the Tool Shed.  

13. Rocks Off - Daniel Bendingfield (Video)

Now don't get me wrong. I'm all for pop stars flashing their dicks in music videos - Frank Ocean, you're up next! - but dressing up an obvious cry for attention as some kind of edgy art piece is beyond insincere. Who could have guessed that Daniel would turn out to be the thirstiest diva in the game?  

12. Echo - Foxes (Video)

Foxes is one of the most promising female artists on the planet. I love every song she has released - including this one - but just can't get past the idiotic video. She looks absolutely demented sitting there with an eye mask over her forehead and the whole love-affair-with-a-crash-test-dummy storyline made me want to pull my eyes from their socket. An epic fail on every level.  

11. Waiting On You - Michelle Williams and Ultra Nate (Video)

I wasn't expecting "Telephone" but this has to be a pisstake, no?  

10. Do It Like That - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Ricki-Lee struck out again with this shocker. A cheap but not cheerful "Crazy In Love" rip-off that looks like it was filmed for $10 on someone's iPhone. That budget also covered the Supre fashion and five minute dance lesson that someone gave the former Young Diva before filming.  

9. Give Me All Your Luvin' - Madonna (Video)

Madonna did it for the kids on "Give Me All Your Luvin'" and made herself look twice as old in the process. For every good idea - the pram is funny - there's a ridiculous scene like the shenanigans in the vodka bar. And what's with Nicki and MIA? The latter looks absolutely miserable - as if she could sense her credibility melting away in front of her very eyes.

8. Call My Name - Cheryl Cole (Video)

I'm not even going to lie. "Call My Name" is the best song Cheryl has ever released and I grew to love it despite her terrible vocal. Which makes this video all the more annoying. Why would you give a club song the urban video treatment? More importantly, what is with this choreography? Chezza looks like she's been struck with epilepsy. Embarrassing.

7. Beauty And A Beat - Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj (Video)

So 43-year-old Nicki Minaj hangs out at a children's waterpark "rapping" about a teenager's "wiener" and nobody bats at eyelid? Shame on you all. I'm calling the police.

6. Wildest Dreams - Brandy (Video)

Damn, Brandy. I know times are tough but this is the cheapest video I have ever seen from a mainstream pop star. It looks like rehearsal footage pieced together by an intern using Windows moviemaker. Seriously, why even bother? This was never going to be played on television. What a waste of a good song!  

5. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)

I'm really not here to watch this cunt model evening gowns.  

4. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)

Madonna looks really good in this video. Shame she spends it dancing with a bunch of Ukrainian gays in high heels. I don't understand why Vadge keeps churning out these low budget shockers. She has enough cash to make an amazing video - why not spend it? And please stop pandering to the gays. I know we're the only people who buy her music but it's starting to get uncomfortable. Like an overenthusiastic car salesman.

3. Girl On Fire - Alicia Keys (Video)

It's not every day that someone releases a video so bad that it actually ruins a great song for you. Alicia's "Girl On Fire" is an epic track but apparently it's about fancy wallpaper and doing household chores if this shocker is any indication. So bad it's absolutely mystifying.  

2. Scream & Shout - Britney and will.i.am (Video)

There's really no excuse for how jaw-droppingly bad this video is. Everything about it is second rate. From the special effects to that horrible wig on Britney's head. It's like they were in such a rush to get it out that they filmed it in afternoon and edited it in the taxi on the way back from the studio. Watching this will give you retinal damage.  

1. Pound The Alarm - Nicki Minaj (below)

If you want to watch Nicki shake her fake tits for four minutes, then this is the video for you. Enjoy!

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Brandy Drops The Cheapest Video Of 2012

What the hell is this? Brandy doing bad choreography in front of 10 people she paid to look mildly interested is not the basis for a video - particularly when the super-catchy "Put It Down" turned out to be something of a sleeper hit. This mess (below) looks like it was thrown together on Windows Moviemaker by Ray J after his second bottle of Patron. I know it's hard to fund big budget clips when you're on the grind - and the D List - but I've seen more interesting visuals from unsigned acts on YouTube.

It's a shame because "Wildest Dreams" is a great song. I love that Brandy takes it back to her '90s hey-day with a slick mid-tempo R&B anthem that boasts an instantly hummable chorus. Her vocal is great and she sounds a lot more comfortable playing the wide-eyed innocent than the sultry seductress she tries and fails to be on some of Two Eleven's more underwhelming tracks. I'm not sure how "Wildest Dreams" will be received by radio programmers - it's probably too subtle to make much of an impact - but it's the only song on her album (apart from the Breezy duet) with any kind of commercial appeal and deserved a decent video.

Song: 8/10, Video: 1/10

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Brandy & Breezy: Put It Down - Video Review

"Put It Down" was released digitally way back in May and didn't exactly shut iTunes down despite being a quality urban-pop jam. It's strange then that Brandy has waited almost three months to unveil the Hype Williams-directed video. I would have thought the moment had passed but I'm happy her label is still keeping the faith. So was it worth the wait? Not really. I feel like the fluorescent colours and different set-ups take away from the sexy tone of the song. It's quite a sparse, stripped-back jam. There was no reason to give it club-banger video. Not that it's awful. The worst driver in R&B looks gorgeous and seems to have finally got her groove back. She looks confident in a array of different outfits and does her best with the choreography.

I'm ready for the second-coming of Brandy. She's been in the pop wilderness for too long and still has what it takes vocally to put a lot of bitches in check. I just wish the presentation of this excellent song stayed faithful to her brand. Why is trying and failing to channel Beyoncé with the sexy dance moves? I know Frank Gaston choreographed the clip but the whole concept feels forced. The diva formerly known as Moesha is the archetypical girl-next-door. Let her be fun and pretty without the pussy-popping. As for Breezy's cameo appearance, well - he just does his thing. I love his rap and think the scene where they sit on the car is the highlight of the clip. Time will tell if "Put It Down" takes off. It's been a decade since Brandy's last US top 20 hit. I hope this breaks the drought.

6/10

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