Beyoncé Unveils Pepsi Commercial & New Song 'Grown Woman'

About half an hour ago Beysus parted the heavens and beamed down her long-awaited Pepsi commercial, simultaneously debuting a snippet of a new single called "Grown Woman". I've been waiting so long for this that I didn't know what to expect. Probably not King B dressing up in old costumes and grinding in front of a mirror like that bitch from Flashdance but, fuck it, I'll take it.

While I'm not particularly fussed about the commercial (I prefer the one she did with J Lo), the song is something else. At a time when the rest of the game is churning out the same generic shit, Bey unveils a percussion-heavy, tribal chant and gives no fucks if you don't like it or, more likely, don't get it.

For me, "Grown Woman" picks up where "Run The World (Girls)" and "Countdown" left off. It's noisy. It's disjointed. It takes a few listens to get your head around. But then you just need more. I'm currently staring at iTunes the way Adele glares at an all you can eat buffet. The hunger is positively primeval.

This is urban music for the Odd Future crowd, polished to perfection for mainstream consumption. I have no idea what radio or the ratchet gays that dictate iTunes popularity will make of it and I really don't care. If Beyoncé wanted an album full of generic club bangers, producers would be serving them up to her on a silver platter.

My fave does what she wants. She'll just keep on winning at life while the rest of us deal. Now let me watch the ad on repeat and calculate how many minutes until I see The Mrs Carter Show in the States. Good night and keep stanning.

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Bow Down, Bitches. Beyoncé Is Back!

It's hard to type while crying and shaking and holding prayer beads but I'll bravely soldier on because today needs to be documented for future music historians. Earlier this morning, Beyoncé nonchalantly put a new song on Soundcloud and the internet almost melted. "Bow Down/I Been On" had an immediate polarising effect.

The Hive lost consciousness and woke to find their collective wig cleanly snatched, while the usual haters went to town on the highly unconventional first taste of era V - calling it ratchet, uncommercial and disrespectful. And to be honest all three adjectives fit. The track is ghetto as fuck, sounds like an intro or snippet (more about that in a minute) and ruthlessly drags every bitch in the game.

I still can't deal with the lyric "I know when you were little girls, you dreamt of being in my world. Don't forget it". It's the shadiest moment of Bey's career since that line in "Survivor" about selling nine million. You just know Rihanna, Keri and Ciara are currently reevaluating their entire existence! The thing is - B has the receipts to support every sliver of shade she throws.

Mrs Carter is the measuring stick for musical excellence, chart success and career-longevity, so I'm glad she finally snapped and put the pretenders in check. Trust me, I've listened to the edgy anthem at least three dozen times and I still detect no lies.

"Bow Down/I Been On", as it turns out, is actually two separate songs mashed together to generate buzz for the new album - mission accomplished. The former is produced by Hit-Boy, while the latter is the handiwork of Polow Da Don, Timbaland and Planet VI. Bizarrely enough, I think they work brilliantly together and almost wish this was the lead single.

The production from all involved is breathtaking. I love the staccato beats and exaggerated bravado of "Bow Down", while "I Been On" incorporates operatic elements and morphs Bey's voice into a fucking man. Who else does that shit? The sound is so fresh and experimental. This era promises to be one hell of a wild ride!

I guess the main thing we can take from Queen B's latest pioneering masterpiece is the fact that she clearly has zero fucks left to give. She will throw her shit on Soundcloud in the middle of the night without as much as press release and rap about being better than your faves if she gets the urge. If you were expecting a generic will.i.am or RedOne-produced club banger to guarantee radio airplay, you were dead wrong.

Bey remains in her own lane and that's the way I like it. 4 was one of the top 10 best-selling albums of 2011 in America with no hits, which proves that mainstream success is largely irrelevant to Beyoncé. She's above that now. Who else could sell out a world tour with no new music? Bow down and salute the Queen! Trust me, you're not worthy.

11/10

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Where the fuck is Beyoncé's new single?

Back off, Hive. This pic is everything to me!

At first I was highly amused that King B did Super Bowl just for the fuck of it. Who else delivers a devastatingly brilliant performance on the world's biggest stage without having something to hawk? That is some boss shit and it's a revelation to see an artist not chasing promo the way Juicy J hunts ratchet pussy. But then things started to get weird. It felt odd that Beyoncé would sit down with Oprah and unveil her critically-acclaimed, cinema-changing documentary with no announcement of a new single. But the announcement of tour dates and subsequent ticket-selling frenzy confirmed new material was on the horizon. Right?

Well, the Mrs Carter Show kicks off in Serbia - could your fave? - next month and we don't have as much as the title of a new song. Let alone a new album. At the moment it feels like we're going to get the 4 world tour, which is fine with me, but would probably annoy some classless punters. The thing is we know she's been in the studio and radio stations have been advised that a new single is imminent. But how is she going to promote it when she's slaying the former Yugoslavia? You have to do the rounds these days. Bey just can't perform on one show and then disappear for a couple of months. Actually, the 17-time Grammy winner can do whatever the fuck she wants - as long as she's happy with an underperforming lead single.

I have faith in my lord and saviour Beyoncé Giselle Carter Knowles and I'm sure she has a plan. I just don't want another debacle like the 4 era when the lead single was thrown on iTunes a month before the video dropped and her two-day promo blitz began. If she pulls that shit again, I'll drag her myself. Anyway, let's all watch the jaw-droppingly amazing Mrs Carter Show advert again and bask in the Queen's flawlessness.

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Queen Bey Wins 17th Grammy

Fresh from her all-conquering Super Bowl performance, Queen B deigned to bless the Grammys with her divine presence earlier today. Not only did the fashion icon snatch every wig on the red carpet by wearing her gym pants, she also took home her 17th Grammy when "Love On Top" (below) was named Best Traditional R&B Recording. When will your redundant fave?

It's a truly astonishing achievement. God's chosen vessel only has four albums to her credit. None of us are worthy! The lastest addition to legendary diva's award cabinet is particularly sweet given the treatment 4 received last year. It's nice to see that the world is finally waking up to its brilliance. I wonder how many Grammys her new album will take home.

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Beyoncé Bowl & The Resurrection Of DC3

Beyoncé cemented her status as the greatest performer of her generation - and arguably of all time - with a triumphant Super Bowl show earlier today. I know I get carried away when it comes to my Queen but I crying and shaking like a stroke victim during the diva's 13 minute master-class in performance art. With all the inauguration drama of the past couple of weeks, it was such a relief to see Bey do what she does best - make your faves look second rate. But before I run through the many highlights, it's probably easier to get the things I didn't like about her set out of the way first. Because there are so few of them.

1. I thought the finale was a little anti-climactic. King B should have been carried off on a bed of wigs or something equally fabulous instead of standing there giving her thank you, so much! face.
2. As much as I love "End Of Time", this was an occasion for hits - not belated 4 promo.
3. Bey should have sang something off B'Day.
4. I'm not here for recycled Glastonbury choreography.

That's it. I have no other complaints. From beginning to end, the show was immaculate. I loved how there was just enough production to keep it visual without drowning the diva in unnecessary special effects and she tore up the stage like an athlete. All that dancing, wig-whipping and pussy-popping would put most artists in a coma but Beyoncé did it all in heels without missing a note. None of us are worthy!

Who else was fooled by the opening? I was sure we were getting "Run The World (Girls)" but B surprised us all by launching into a few lines from "Love On Top". Obviously just to remind bitches that she has the best voice in music. Take note, Alicia (off-)Keys. And then she did that "Crazy In Love" strut and I started screaming like Adele at Weight Watchers. I will never, ever get sick of that walk until the day I die! Oh and how brilliant was the stage floor? That gave me chills - it was Kylie's "Slow" on a slightly bigger budget.

One of the many things that blows my mind about Mrs Carter is the way she works her weave. I swear that thing has a life of its own! And props for the flawless choreography. It's easy to sound amazing when you're standing still but it's a completely different proposition when you're dippin' in low and pussy poppin' like a Vegas stripper. She even did the iconic "Crazy In Love" thumb lick and gave vintage Michael Jackson by having an unnecessary but completely awesome guitar solo.

Next up was "End Of Time" and I'm glad the song finally got its moment to shine. As I said earlier, I would have preferred something from B'Day - or at least a song that everybody knew - but it is a fucking amazing tune and that Glastonbury choreography deserved another spin. Still, it was kind of cheeky to rehash it. Almost as big a surprise, albeit a much happier one, was the inclusion of "Baby Boy". Seriously, I've been listening to her epic Sean Paul collab all afternoon. That shit still sounds as fresh today as it did in 2003.

"Baby Boy" was flawlessly presented - great use of the BBMA special effects - but the highlight for me was the resurrection of Destiny's Child. We all knew it was happening but I still needed a defibrillator when Kelly and Michelle jumped on stage. They looked so good together and those harmonies! Sweet Jesus! I've never been a huge fan of "Independent Women" but they absolutely nailed it. Surrounded by a ring of fire - no less. Please let this be a sign that they will reunite between solo albums!

This takes me to "Single Ladies". I laughed out loud when Bey literally turned Kelly and Michelle into her backing vocalists. I'm trying to turn the other cheek but that is such a shady, diva move! But, funnily enough, it worked brilliantly. They breathed new life into the song as a group and had fun with the famous choreography. Seeing them together on stage makes me sad that Ms Rowland and Tenitra haven't gone on to bigger things.

Kelly is such a professional. She nailed every move and hit every note. This woman shouldn't be releasing songs about cunnilingus to get attention. And the usual bitches took aim at Michelle for forgetting to whip her wig but she has always been the heart of DC3. There's something so awkward about her - like you know she'd rather be singing about Jesus than tawdry one night stands - that makes you want to give her a big hug. I have so much love for Shell and her two left feet!

I knew there would be at least one ballad and Bey saved it for the finale. "Halo" is probably my favourite song of all time, so I was sobbing after about 10 seconds. After a spectacular array of fireworks and special effects, it was nice that the last two minutes focused on King B's incomparable talent. She doesn't need that shit to put a show. Just give her a microphone. By the time she sang her final note, Twitter had collapsed and wigs had been snatched. Bring on the world tour!

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A British Bey Spills The Tea

So for the past couple of weeks I have been putting together an article about the inner-workings of the BeyHive for Idolator. The reaction has been amazing and I'm really proud of how it turned out. It was important for me to get it just right because these are my soul siblings. Anyone who worships at the alter of Beyoncé has a friend in me. I interviewed a lot of fans for the article but decided to focus on the American contingent. Unfortunately this meant I couldn't use the sublime musings of @Tha_Phoenix. But that's the great thing about having my own blog. I can post the Brit's interview in full! Enjoy our highly intellectual conversation about King B below.

What makes the Hive different from other fan armies?

Different? Well, the Hive is arguably the most vicious stanbase spawned in the last twenty years. Let’s look at it this way: many Hive members were/are Michael Jackson stans (myself included) – and we all know about how they are... I like to think that they inherited their vicious nature from that particular stanbase. The way the Hive chooses to handle certain situations is definitely reminiscent of how the MJ stans do/did it.

Contrary to what people might think, stanning for B is both a gift and a curse. A gift, because the Hive stans for one of the best performers to ever do it. A curse, because – due to that fact – those who stan for less famous and able artists always think that attacking B will make their fave more relevant or explain away their numerous deficiencies.

It doesn’t, but that brings us to my major point. First, the Hive does not allow any slight (perceived or otherwise) to go unpunished. Second, unlike many other fan armies, they walk their talk. One only has to look at the box office receipts for events like Revel and I Am… Yours (where ticket prices were in the hundreds) to see this.

Which act has the worst stans?

Christina Aguilera. Her stans are arguably the most delusional stanbase I have come across. Many of them have little to no musical knowledge, attack those that attack Christina with painful home truths and favor fiction over fact. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, they insist Christina is the "voice of our Generation", yet have no explanation for any performances post 2009.

How do you deal with people that come for Bey’s wig on Twitter?

Back in 2010, I would pick and choose my victims carefully – dragging only when called upon or a disrespectful, misinformed individual entered my mentions. Those of us who were around back then remember Summer 2010 with affection as the Summer of Dragging. After 2010, I felt I’d earned my stripes – no pun intended – and left that to the newer members.

Still, every now and then, a misguided soul will enter my mentions or an irrelevant artist will utter the Queen’s name with disrespect lingering on their tongue, and I will address each and every single one of their flaws, while simultaneously reminding them of B’s superiority.

Why can Bey’s wig never be snatched?

A wig is synonymous with one’s self-respect, importance and stature in the industry. Having it snatched, therefore, means that you have been stripped of all three. B’s wig can’t be snatched because, quite simply, she is the best performer since Michael Jackson, has been around (and relevant) for over fifteen years, has become one of the most respected and best-selling artists in the industry, and – best of all – everyone knows it.

Essentially, when you’re as good as B is, you don’t even have a wig. Your hair grows straight from your roots. It would take the Lord himself to snatch it, and it is clear that she is in His good graces.

Have you ever stepped over the line on Twitter and regretted it?

Never. As all my followers know, I have yet to apologise for or rescind a tweet (and have never deleted one either). I always say what I mean, and mean what I say, and if feelings are hurt (as they often are), so be it. The truth hurts like a bitch with a sore puss newly ridden with chlamydia.

Is anything off limits if someone crosses Bey?

If a stan from an inferior stanbase attacks B, I don’t attack them personally – I attack their fave. For whatever reason, I’ve found that that tends to get people more upset. Also, I don’t see the point in personal attacks - they rarely require wit or skill (and effective shade is all about skill).

If an artist attacks B, I’ll attack their lack of a career, receipts, respect etc. Family, friends, etc are all off limits. I also don’t discuss their personal lives, because to be quite honest, I couldn’t give half a shit about celebrities’ personal lives.

Which artists are common enemies of the Hive? Why?

That thing… what’s its name again? God, I can’t quite remember. Something to do with Hilton wildlife. We don’t claim it. Many Hive members don’t claim Ne-yo, because of his allegedly messy comments vis-à-vis the writing of "Irreplaceable". Ashanti. Her mother thought that it would be wise to talk slick about a certain Ms Knowles-Carter, and the Hive didn’t take too kindly to that. It didn’t do much for her daughter’s career, either.

Christina. But no stanbase (in general) other than her own really cares for her. Taylor Swift. The 2009 VMA for Best Female Video went to her rather than B (which still puzzles everyone this side of Swift’s latest boyfriend), and no one has quite moved past that yet. Rihanna. I’d recount the last 8 years, but we don’t have time for that. Suffice it to say, the Hive is not here for Ms. Fenty, generally speaking.

Does the Hive have any allies?

The Monsters. I’d argue that B and Gaga made an incredibly wise decision the day they collaborated together. Can you imagine what Twitter would look like if they hadn’t? Also the Lambs. Many Hive members tend to be fans of Mariah Carey, and many Lambs tend to like B.

How much time do you spend stanning for Bey on average per day?

Depends on the day. Also, if you count listening to music as stanning, you could say 30-40 minutes a day. I always have music playing when I study, and her albums are always on the playlist. Twitter also accounts for some stanning, though it would depend on what I was discussing on a particular hour/day etc.

How do you respond to claims that the Hive is full of broke, uneducated troublemakers?

Broke? Check B’s box office receipts. Uneducated? Unlike many (lesser) artists, B’s strong positive image attracts those with self-worth and something to show for themselves. We can count Michelle Obama among us. What other stanbase can say that? And as for troublemakers… Well, if you stanned for someone that was attacked and vilified as much as B is on a regular basis, you would understand just why the Hive is the way it is. Can you imagine what would happen if we let the constant disrespect from the inferiors slide?

Do you think Beyonce would approve of the Hive’s online activities?

She’s said in the past that she knows what we get up to. She thinks we go a little too far sometimes (I agree), but overall she appreciates how the Hive handles the disrespectful, uneducated, and uninformed.

Oh and just for shits and giggles, here's the Queen Bey being a complete boss at the Superbowl press conference. "Any questions?" is the ultimate diva moment of the new millennium! 

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Beyoncé Has A Top 10 Smash... In Fiji!

While your played-out faves are rushing around Tokyo and London trying to promote their flop careers, Beyoncé is effortlessly slaying the South Pacific. That sound you hear is King B adding to her wig collection. This is so random. I was switching between US and Australian iTunes and must have clicked a wrong button somewhere because I ended up in fucking Fiji. At first I just laughed because a boring song from The Hobbit is number one but then looked closer and realised that Fijians have amazing taste. Ke$ha and Icona Pop are top 5 and Bey's R&B smash is sitting pretty at number 7 (let's just ignore the presence of R. Kelly's decade old hit). Mad respect to this flawless nation! I'm so glad "Dance For You" is getting the attention it deserves... somewhere. A year later and it's still my favourite jam. Watch Bey work her wig below.

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Why Beyoncé Can't Win

Beyoncé is the woman the media loves to tear down. I used to think it was just a case of tall poppy syndrome. When a person reaches a certain level of success, there's an ugly but distinctly human desire to give them a reality check. It happened to Michael Jackson, Madonna and basically anyone else worthy of icon status. But I think the Bey hate goes beyond that.

First there was the baby bump debacle. I can't think of a more disgusting thing to accuse a woman of than faking her pregnancy (particularly without proof) but that didn't stop every media outlet running with the story. It turned out to be bullshit - as evidenced by the sonogram footage in her upcoming documentary - but nobody apologised.

Then there was the "Countdown" video scandal. The director lifted a couple of dance moves from an obscure ballet and King B was dragged over the coals despite the fact that her contemporaries (Rihanna and Kelly Rowland for starters) were stealing entire video concepts with no backlash.

That takes us to the legendary diva's performance of "Star Spangled Banner" at President Obama's inauguration. It was widely praised as the best rendition of all time but then someone from the Marine band accused her of lip-syncing (a statement that was later retracted) and she became public enemy number one. There was a school shooting in America earlier today but the top story was "Beyoncé mimed the national anthem".

There is so much wrong with this situation. Why are the damn marines reaching out to entertainment reporters with gossip in the first place? Is the American military that thirsty for attention? More disturbingly, why was the source not checked before everyone started throwing accusations? I thought that was the basis of solid journalism and was drilled into my head on the first day of my degree. The person ultimately retracted their comment but the damage was done and bitches will, no doubt, be sharpening their knives for the Superbowl performance.

It's clear from the video of the inauguration that something was going on with the audio. Bey removed her earpiece half-way through and looked visibly agitated. You can also hear her breathing and see a damn vein popping on her head, so she was definitely singing live. Perhaps she was accompanied by a backing tape. I don't know and I don't care. I've seen Mariah mime. I've seen Aretha mime. Hell, Britney probably mimes when she sings her children a lullaby before tucking them into bed at night. We all know they (well, at least the first two) can sing, so I assume there was another reason for their decision to give their voice a rest. It doesn't make me think any less of them.

The question remains - why does Beysus get such a raw deal? Jealousy and racism are the obvious answers. The Queen of all genres is just a little too perfect. If Beyoncé was being smacked around by a boyfriend or popping pills, she would get the sympathy vote. Instead, she's happily married and the poster girl for female empowerment. It clearly annoys people that she's almost supernaturally talented, scarily beautiful, filthy rich and very well-connected. That's a dangerous enough combination but when you throw in the colour of her skin, people get even more uncomfortable.

Today's trial by media was a new low point for everyone involved. After slaying with this album, Bey should just go away and enjoy her perfect life. We don't deserve her.

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Kelly Rowland Sings About Her Vagina. Yet Again. Kisses Down Low - Review

What is wrong with Kelly Rowland? Ever since "Motivation" became a well-deserved but surprise hit, she has had sex on the brain. First, there was the soft porn "Lay It On Me" video. The Destiny's Child backing vocalist then claimed she was "Down For Whatever" before raising temperatures - of perverts and sex offenders - on "Ice". Now the randy bitch is back with another ode to her insatiable vagina called "Kisses Down Low".

I hate to say it but I blame Beyoncé. She was always the sexy one in Destiny's Child. Take the iconic "Cater 2 U" video. Bey writhed around in a tiny bikini, while Ms Kelly tried and failed to rock an unflattering safari suit. It's nice that the former girl-next-door can finally embrace her inner-bombshell but enough is enough with the sleazy mid-tempo baby-makin' jams.

Having said all that, "Kisses Down Low" is a slick tune. Mike WILL Made It is one of the hottest producers in urban music right now and I love how he mixes the tempo up on Kelly's latest. The beats are hot, it sounds fresh and the lyrics will definitely get attention. Kudos to the failed actress for dropping it two weeks before King B's comeback. I'm here for Ms Rowland's shady sales tactics!

Grab some tissues and listen to "Kisses Down Low"... below.

7/10

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Destiny's Child Return - Nuclear Review

I still remember the first time I heard a Destiny's Child song. As a kid I was obsessed with Rick Dees' Top 40 countdown, which aired late on a Sunday afternoon in Australia. I would devour every track on my battered cassette walkman - often writing down notes on a scrap of paper so I could order the CD at my local record store. Yes, people. Life really sucked in the days before the internet! But back to the children of destiny. One night Rick introduced a new girlband from Texas and spun "No, No, No". My hands shook as I wrote down their name because I knew I had to get my hands on this magical track - which, in retrospect, is quite an odd reaction for a white boy from the suburbs. It was literally love at first listen.

From that moment the Spice Girls and all other lessor acts ceased to exist in my eyes. Beyoncé, Kelly, LaTavia and LeToya were my badly-dressed queens - even if I often had no idea what they were singing about. For years I thought "Bug A Boo" was about insects! They just sounded like angels to me. I cried when the line-up changed, completely lost my shit when the trio finally toured Australia as part of the Rumba festival and held a massive grudge against Bey for years (I basically ignored her first two solo albums) for leaving the band! So how do you respond to news that an act you loved that much has just released a new song for a random compilation of love songs?

The answer - strangely - is with little interest. To be honest, I expected "Nuclear" to be shit. Beyoncé is about to take over the music world with a $50 million dollar Pepsi deal, Superbowl performance and new album - why would she invest time and creativity into what is obviously a record label obligation? And then the initial reviews came in and they were terrible and I felt relief. I could finally listen to the song with no expectation of it being any good. But then I heard the damn thing and realised that everyone is fucked because "Nuclear" is as gorgeous as it is gloriously produced and innovative.

Co-written by Michelle Williams and produced by Pharrell, the smooth mid-tempo jam transports us back to the '90s with the grace of a freshly fueled DeLorean. "Nuclear" mixes soulful harmonies with warm and fuzzy house beats not heard since the glory days of Massive Attack, Pet Shop Boys and - don't laugh - Black Box. There's even a touch of Madonna circa Erotica. This is the sound that Azealia Banks has spent her entire career trying to tap into with varying degrees of success.

Of course, the track is completely unpalatable to listeners who mistake "We Found Love" for R&B and will, most likely, baffle spectators if the ladies perform it at Superbowl. For me, however, "Nuclear" is an unexpectedly happy ending for my favourite band of all time. Special props to Michelle (AKA the legendary vocalist behind top 40 Hungarian hit "We Break The Dawn") for the gorgeous lyrics. "It's nuclear with you here" is the prettiest chorus I've heard in months.

10/10

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The 100 Best Songs Of 2012

These lists really mess with my mind. Music is everything to me. I listen to it from the moment I wake up until my head hits the pillow again at night, so ordering the songs that kept me company all year is a near impossible task. As such, please take the rankings with a grain of salt. While great albums were hard to find in 2012, brilliant singles were more plentiful. Which I guess is to be expected in our current iTunes-driven music market where you just download what you like and ignore the rest. A couple of names make multiple appearances this year but I think the wealth was pretty evenly spread.

Without further ado, here are the 100 best singles of 2012 according to my iPod:

100. A Million Lights - Grant Smillie & Walden feat. Zoë Badwi (Video)

Australia's Queen of dance misfired with "Shoot Me Down" but redeemed herself by lending her angelic vocals to this excellent club banger. With a tight edit and decent video, it could have been a hit. 

99. Candy Candy - Kyary Pamyu Pamyu (Video)

With the K-Pop phenomenon fizzling out in 2012, it was left to the Japanese to save Asian pop. Namely flawless diva Kyary Pamyu Pamyu who escaped from an insane asylum to release another completely fucked up and slightly terrifying bubblegum pop anthem. She is everything Lady Gaga would like to be.

98. Can't Get Better Than This - Parachute Youth (Video)

The best Australian electro-pop song of 2012.

97. You're The One - Charli XCX (Video)

I saw Charli XCX perform at a Pop Justice showcase in London about 4 years ago and it was one of the worst sets I have ever seen. She was terrible - couldn't hold a note and spent most of show rolling around on a table. Well, kudos to her for keeping at it despite an obvious lack of natural talent. "You're The One" is flawless pop - a song with the kind of slick production that will keep the cool crowd happy and a chorus big enough to satisfy the gays. I'm tentatively on board.

96. Earthquake - Labrinth feat. Tinie Tempah (Video)

Thank god the incredibly annoying dub-step craze is over. It was fun for about 5 minutes but wore out its welcome faster than "Gangnam Style". The exception to that rule was Labrinth's speaker-exploding "Earthquake", which still sounds fresh and interesting.

95. Peanut Butter - RuPaul (Video)

I thought Ru was taking the piss the first time I heard this but I grew to love the grande dame of drag's return to edgy hip-hop. "Must be jelly 'cause jam don't shake!"

94. My Gun - The Rubens (Video)

The Australian retro-rock discovery of 2012. Put on a paisley shirt and brace yourself for the aural onslaught of "My Gun". You can keep Tame Impala. I'm happy to just play this on repeat.

93. Envole Moi - M Pokora & Tal (Video)

Two of my French-pop faves join forces for the duet of the year. There's a reason why this faithful cover of an '80s classic is a gigantic hit in France. "Envole Moi" is smooth, sexy and so very catchy. Go Tal!

92. Mercy Killer - Bertie Blackman (Video)

Bertie Blackman continues to be the proud torch-bearer of Australian indie-pop but seems to be experiencing diminishing returns on the charts, which is ridiculous because she is yet to release a bad song. "Mercy Killer" is typically dark, insightful and honest. A combination that just doesn't work in a Pitbull-run world.

91. Anything Could Happen - Ellie Goulding (Video)

I'm so annoyed with this bitch. Halcyon is such a stinker but there's no denying the hopeful, optimistic synth-pop charm of "Anything Could Happen". Shame about the rest of the album.

90. Bandz A Make Her Dance - Juicy J (Video)

This ratchet rap anthem represents everything that is wrong with the world but I just can't stop listening to it. I don't have an excuse apart from being hypnotised by Juicy J's lyrical brilliance.

89. We Are Young - Tulisa (Video)

A great song and a competent producer can cover even the most mediocre talent as this song proves.

88. Manías - Thalía (Video)

I must have been a Mexican housewife in a past life because this bombastic ballad pushes all my buttons. Now Thalía just needs to make another trashy English language pop album to be fully rehabilitated in my eyes.

87. Refill - Elle Varner (Video)

Did Elle Varner happen? I get confused with these next-big-things that are on every blog for five minutes before disappearing into the Natalia Kills-governed abyss of failed pop stars. Regardless of the soul diva's chart position, "Refill" pushed all the right buttons. I hate think how many bartenders I annoyed by demanding "Can I get a re-ee-ee-fill?"

86. I'll Change Your Mind - Kate Miller-Heidke (Video)

I love everything about this twisted and heartbreaking unrequited love song. The lyrics hit home, Kate's vocal is typically brilliant and that perky chorus brightens up what could have a distinctly bleak experience. So why didn't anyone download it?

85. Oblivion - Grimes (Video)

Grimes mumbles some incomprehensible shit over the slickest electro-beats of 2012 and slays your shit fave. Watch out for this one. It worms its way into your head ever-so-gradually and then refuses to leave.

84. Change The Record - Melanie Fiona feat. B.o.B (Video)

I'm not sure how happy Melanie Fiona will be with her 2012. None of her singles really clicked and her uneven sophomore album fell off the charts faster than MDNA. However, there is hope. "Change The Record" proves she can update her sound and hopefully broaden her appeal. Catchy and uplifting.

83. Love Like Stars - Ben Montague (Video)

All I  know about this guy is that he has pretty green eyes and released an amazing acoustic pop song called "Love Like Stars" that no one bought.

82. Warrior - Kimbra, Mark Foster and A-Trak (Video)

I know Kimbra is talented but she bores the fuck out of me. At least when left to her own devices. She made that Gotye record and effortlessly transforms into a hipster dance diva on "Warrior". Admittedly, this is basically a Foster The People record with a female vocal but I'm not complaining.

81. Summer Dreaming - Project B feat. Kelly Rowland (Video)

Kelly kept losing in 2012 with a string of hip-hop flops but redeemed herself with this cheap and cheerful cover of a long-forgotten '80s gem for the German market. Proof that Bey's backing singer is better suited to dance than R&B.

80. Extraña - María José (Video)

It wasn't exactly a banner year for Mexican-pop but María José flew the flag with this upbeat synthpop explosion. Watch out for the chorus - something this addictive should be illegal!

79. Satellites - Catcall (Video)

Australia's new Queen of dreamy synth-pop channeled Empire Of The Sun on "Satellites" without sounding desperate or derivative. This gem deserved to reach a far bigger audience than it did. With a new video - I'm not really here for the magic coat theme - it could still do some damage internationally. Germany would be a good choice. Hell, Bag Raiders and Lenka actually have hits in that country.

78. Glitter & Gold - Rebecca Ferguson (Video)

"Nothing's Real But Love" made me want to kill myself but this simple and honest life lesson redeemed the UK X Factor winner in my eyes.

77. Brother - Matt Corby (Video)

An unexpected triple platinum hit from a former Australian Idol contestant that now looks and sounds like Jesus. I'm sold.

76. Boy - Emma Louise (Video)

Another brooding and beautiful synth-pop exercise from one of Australia's hottest talents. When is Emma going to release her debut album? I feel like she's already been around for years!

75. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together - Taylor Swift (Video)

I really disliked this song when I first heard it but the Max Martin-produced country-pop jam just kind of wears you down like deathly virus.

74. Banner - Lights (Video)

I wrote a post about this song called "Lights Finally Gets It Right". That says it all really.

73. This Kiss - Carly Rae Jepsen (Video)

Queen Carly delivers another dance-pop delight with this perky Redfoo-produced club-banger. It's cuter than a dancing kitten, so why did it flop worse than "Girl Gone Wild"?

72. Big Hoops (Bigger The Better) - Nelly Furtado (Video)

While hipster favourites like M.I.A and Santigold were selling their soul for commercial success, Nelly Furtado jacked their sound and showed them up - everywhere but the charts. I don't care if it sold ten copies, "Big Hoops (Bigger The Better)" is one of the most innovative and clever pop songs of 2012. A future cult classic.

71. Got Me Good - Ciara (Video)

Cici can't dent the charts even with a great song and video. L.A. Reid needs to get her a judging stint on American Idol or X Factor - or throw in the towel and sign someone with a future.

70. Go - Yurena (Video)

Since featuring this exquisite Spanish diva on my blog, I've done some digging and she is, in fact, a real woman. Moreover she has a history of fabulous attention-whoring antics and failed comebacks. Needless to say I'm in love. It helps that "Go" is a genuinely great pop song.

69. Wildest Moments - Jessie Ware (Video)

Beautiful, understated, soulful.

68. Triumphant (Get 'Em) - Mariah Carey feat. Rick Ross & Meek Mill (Video)

I'm well aware that nobody liked this apart from me. The '90s-tastic R&B slow jam was never going to be a hit but I love Mimi in urban mode and I find the chorus genuinely uplifting. I will die if she performs this in Australia!

67. Thinkin Bout You - Frank Ocean (Video)

I could have easily included "Pyramids" and "Swim Good" on this list but "Thinkin Bout You" is the track that I keep coming back to. A smooth and reflective slow jam that will go down as a modern soul classic. 

66. Catch My Breath - Kelly Clarkson (Video)

The lead single from Kelegend's greatest hits package represents a slight change of pace. "Catch My Breath" is softer and prettier than her usual Max Martin/Dr. Luke produced fare - and all the better for it. Nice lyrics, great vocals and dreamy production make this an understated winner.

65. Everything Is Embarrassing - Sky Ferreira (Video)

I give up on trying to work this bitch out. I loved "One" and thought Sky was the real deal but lost interest with each subsequent single. And then she goes and releases this gorgeous electro-anthem, which stood out as one of the year's freshest indie-pop jams. Best song title of the year too.

64. Don't Fail Me Now - Melanie Amaro (Video)

I feel sorry for this poor bitch. Melanie won X Factor but was paid dust when she finally got around to releasing original material despite the fact that "Don't Fail Me Now" is an over-the-top dance-pop triumph. If this didn't click nothing will but I'm here for her soon-to-be-shelved debut album.

63. Adorn - Miguel (Video)

A massive R&B hit in America that found no love in this country. The ultimate baby-making anthem. If that's how you roll.

62. White Foxes - Susan Sundfør (Video)

This is the kind of bleak, sparse electro-pop that you can only find in Scandinavia. Norway's grimmest diva is my new obsession.

61. Dancing To The Same Song - Elen Levon (Video)

I really don't know what to say about this. The original 3OH!3-produced demo was absolutely flawless. It was gusty and edgy - just what Elen needed to breakthrough. But then the label dumbed it down and added insult to injury by slapping on the bored real housewives of Sydney cover you see above. Don't get me wrong - it's still a great pop song that should have been massive but why make things worse for the hell of it? Her time will come. 

60. Laura - Bat For Lashes (Video)

More awesomely depressing shit from the Queen of misery. 

59. Try - Pink (Video)

This faithful cover of an obscure GoNorthToGoSouth song was the standout track on Pink's lazy The Truth About Love album. Unlike most of the junk on that mess, "Try" is understated and emotionally authentic. Nice video too.

58. Wild Girl - Kat DeLuna (Video)

Queen Kat kept on winning in 2012 with gem after gem that hopefully found some love in one of the obscure European countries she still has success in. "Wild Girl" finds the Dominican treasure in full dance diva mode and she proves she has what it takes for total club domination in 2013 when Viva drops and decimates the game.

57. Shine Ya Light - Rita Ora (Video)

I'm here for Rita but the person who chose her singles needs to be fired. "Roc The Life" should have been the lead, followed by this soaring urban-pop gem that sounds like it was scientifically engineered for radio airplay. Epic chorus!

56. Rosebud - The Jezabels (Video)

The Jezabels turned out to be the Australian pop discovery of 2011 but finally got around to releasing the best single from their excellent album this year. "Rosebud" is the kind of sweeping, sad, atmospheric and beautiful synth/guitar-pop that just doesn't get made in this country very often. Gorgeous.

55. Pistol - Mia Dyson (Video)

The most gritty, soulful rock ballad to be produced by an Australian act in 2012. Shame then that no one heard it - let alone bought it. Think vintage Melissa Etheridge for some indication of the treat that awaits you.

54. Next To Me - Emeli Sandé (Video)

A simple gospel-pop song sublimely performed by one of the best voices in the world.

53. Wide Awake - Katy Perry (Video)

How does she keep churning out these brilliant pop songs? Katy is on a once-in-a-career roll at the moment. I hope she enjoys it while it lasts because nobody can keep this up indefinitely.

52. I Don't Like You - Eva Simons (Video)

Eva cements her reputation as the Dutch doyenne of dance with another incredible floorfiller. I need an album now!

51. Don't You Worry Child - Swedish House Mafia (Video)

The best commercial house record of 2012.

50. Guardian - Alanis Morissette (Video)

Time is a cruel mistress. 15 years ago Alanis was the hottest name in music - selling CDs in volumes that would make Adele's head spin. Cut to 2012 and nobody gives a shit if she's alive or dead. At least judging by the response to her severely underrated Havoc and Bright Lights album. I like every song on that chilled pop/rock opus but there's something special about "Guardian". Alanis has worked through the angst to a happy place and it's kind of touching to hear. Her best track in a decade.

49. King of Hearts - Cassie (Video)

I always thought Cassie was the biggest joke in R&B. A washed-up nobody at the ripe old age of 26. But then she released "King Of Hearts" and snatched enough wigs to make a coat for Diana Ross. This is so slick and catchy. I'm still not convinced about Cassie's musical chops but in a perfect world this would have been a massive hit.

48. Black Heart - Stooshe (Video)

I still haven't forgiven these girls for destroying TLC's "Waterfalls" but fuck this is a fantastic song. "Black Heart" single-handedly revived Motown with its glorious harmonies and old school production. It's not easy to step back in time without sounding desperate or lazy but Stooshe do it effortlessly. Little Mix could never.

47. Chasing Satellites - Thomas Fiss (Video)

In an alternate universe, "Chasing Satellites" is a "Call Me Maybe"-sized hit. In this one Thomas has to make do with ruling my iPod. This is an incredibly catchy pop song that deserved a hell of a lot more attention than it go.

46. Stardust - Lena (Video)

Gorgeous, ethereal, quirky pop from Germany's reigning pop princess.

45. Miriam - Norah Jones (Video)

If you told me in January that Norah Jones would be in the top 10 of my best albums of 2012 countdown and a bunch of tracks on my best singles list, I would have laughed in your face. But here we are and I wouldn't have it any other way. "Miriam" is basically a gruesome conversation with her husband's mistress before she kills her. It's dark, twisted and starkly beautiful in a way that stays with you long after the record ends.

44. Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen (Video)

This should be higher because it is a modern pop classic but I'm just so sick of it. I need a couple of years without hearing this shit every day before I'll be able to give it the love it deserves.

43. Play The Game Boy - A*M*E (Video)

Did this actually get released? If not why not? A*M*E is one of the most exciting new pop stars to emerge in a long time and "Play The Game Boy" is a killer shot of slick, 80's-inspired pop. Think Grace Jones meets Nicki Minaj (before she became an embarrassing clown) for some idea of this girl's fresh sound.

42. Summertime Sadness - Lana Del Rey (Video)

A massive hit in Europe, this is probably the most commercial offering on Born To Die. Sure, it's gloomy and depressing and Lana dies in the video but it has a fairly traditional structure and the chorus is as pretty as it is sad.

41. Looking Hot - No Doubt (Video)

The triumphant comeback hit that never happened. Oh well, fuck it. I love it and think it stands toe-to-toe with any song in the band's canon of hits.

40. Girl On Fire - Alicia Keys feat. Nicki Minaj (Video)

Alicia refreshed her sound with "Girl On Fire" - aiming at a slightly younger demographic - and hit a home run. Some critic's dismissed the production as overly generic and they might be right but the R&B icon's spine-tingling vocal and soaring chorus more than make up for it. I can take or leave Nicki's rap but I will admit that her verse is vastly better than her usual shit.

39. Runaway - Mr. Little Jeans (Video)

Ladyhawke called and wants her career back. Pitch perfect, 80s-inspired synthpop.

 38. Numb - Usher (Video)

 The best generic urban-dance song of 2012.

37. Free - Haley Reinhart (Video)

It takes a brave girl to launch a post-American Idol music career with a '70s-inspired piano-pop song. The risk didn't pay off on the charts but announced Haley as one to watch. I love every second of this.

36. Give Your Heart A Break - Demi Lovato (Video)

I'm so happy Demi scored a sleeper hit with this incredible power ballad. It's like she's finally found her niche as the new Celine Dion. Rock on.

35. What You've Done To Me - Samantha Jade (Video)

I heard the Tania Doko-voiced demo months before it was offered to Samantha and fell in love with it instantly. The original version had a harder edger - think Kelly Clarkson in angry mode - but DNA did an amazing job tailoring one of their finest singles into a Fever-era Kylie dance-pop anthem. It's so nice to see Samantha experiencing the success that cruelly eluded her the first time around.

34. Dance Bear - Snakadaktal (Video)

I like dancing and bears and psychedelic pop songs - so this quirky jam pushed all my buttons.

33. Ready Or Not - Bridgit Mendler (Video)

America's new teen queen came tantalizingly close to joining Selena and Demi on the top rung of the Disney pop ladder with this addictive jam. With the exception of a couple of dodgy lyrics (what's that shit about buying a house next to Oprah all about?), "Ready Or Not" is surprisingly credible. This girl can sing and her album is stunning. Better luck next time.

32. I Am Yuo Ledear - Nekci Menij feat. Medoner, Gags & Bayonse (Video)

It says volumes about the state of pop music that a spoof of a flop album track by a fictional character is one of the best pop songs of 2012. Everything about this is genius - hilarious lyrics, catchy vocal hooks and endlessly quotable lyrics. "I sell hundred of copies, Keri Hilson shaded me and now she's making my coffees!" Genius.

31. Get Up (A Cowboy's Anthem) - Kelly Clarkson (Video)

Kelly recorded this all-conquering pop anthem as part of a football promotion and gave it away for free online. That's a pretty good deal considering this is an absolute career highlight.

30. Wish U Were Here - Cody Simpson feat. Becky G (Video)

If I had any shame I'd probably be embarrassed for loving this Dr. Luke/Taio Cruz-penned club banger as much as I do. "Wish U Were Here" is an atomic-powered pop song that would have spent a month at #1 if Justin Bieber recorded it instead of Cody. Also pay attention to Becky G's amazing rap. 

29. Sobredosis - Kat DeLuna feat. El Cata (Video)

"Sobredosis" would have been a massive international hit for Shakira or Jennifer Lopez. How many incredible records can one woman release without denting the charts? This is the year's ultimate Latin party jam and further proof that Kat is better than all your faves put together.

28. We Own The Night - Tiesto & Wolfgang Gartner feat. Luciana (Video)

Three titans of EDM join forces for a bone-crunching club anthem that topped the UK club chart and set dancefloors on fire around the world. Which makes it doubly odd that "We Own The Night" was completely overlooked in Australia.

27. Bless This Mess - Lisa Mitchell (Video)

This demented, upbeat lullaby of a song captured my imagination from the very first listen. I guess this is the closest Lisa Mitchell will ever get to recording a straightforward pop song, which is a shame because this is a kooky triumph. More addictive than chocolate, crack and ice cream.

26. Your Body - Christina Aguilera (Video)

Sometimes the stars align and sometimes they don't. I'm not sure why "Your Body" crashed and burned like Brandy on a highway - and I really don't care. This Max Martin-produced gem is pretty close to the perfect pop song. Snappy production, nuclear-powered chorus and killer vocal. There's no shame in being a washed-up flop when your shit is this good.

25. 212 - Azealia Banks feat. Lazy Jay (Video)

Azealia Bank's calling card turned "imma ruin you cunt" into the year's hottest catchphrase and established the new Queen of rap as the thinking man's alternative to Nicki Minaj. Beyoncé is apparently working with Lazy Jay on her new album. If he gives her beats anywhere near this hot, your fave might as well hand over her wig now.

24. I Love It - Icona Pop (Video)

The saviors of Scandipop channeled Luciana's trademark electro-shouting on "I Love It" and scored the hit of the Australian Summer. Well played.

23. Now Or Never - Outasight (Video)

If Ke$ha was a man her music would sound like this.

22. Call My Name - Cheryl Cole (Video)

A great song by a vile cunt. 

21. When It Feels This Good - Luciana (Video)

After creating and perfecting the still hot electro-shouting genre (see Icona Pop's current success), Luciana decided to mix it up with a bit of singing on "When It Feels This Good". The result is one of the dance deity's most commercial songs and one of 2012's best party anthems.

20. Climax - Usher (Video)

"Climax" stopped me dead in my tracks the first time I heard it. Diplo's production is breathtaking, Usher delivers the vocal of his career and the lyrics are unusually raw and honest for a genre marked by songs about poppin' bottles and fucking hoes. "I gave my best, it wasn't enough." Know the feeling.

19. Euphoria - Loreen (Video)

Loreen validated the continued existence of Eurovision with this glorious pop song.

18. Back To Love - Estelle (Video)

A beautiful pop song about growing up and moving on.

17. Boys Will Be Boys - Paulina Rubio (Video)

This Mexican pop goddess made all our faves redundant in one fell swoop and nobody noticed. "Boys Will Be Boys" is better than Madonna's entire career and should be played loudly at every party and gathering from now until her next English language album. Which, on past experience, should take about a decade.

16. Born To Die - Lana Del Rey (Video)

A sweeping, cinematic modern classic that established Lana as the Queen of everything.

15. Closer - Tegan And Sara (Video)

Dear Canada, can we swap you The Veronicas for Tegan and Sara? Ta.

14. Picking Up The Pieces - Paloma Faith (Video)

I never really understood the appeal of Paloma Faith until hearing this song. Equal parts orchestral ballad and nu-disco floorfiller with generous lashings of synths and strings, "Picking Up The Pieces" examines a crumbling relationship from an unusually honest perspective. "I watch you cry but you don't see that I'm the one by your side." Time to throw in the towel, sweetheart. Trust me.

13. Dance Again - Jennifer Lopez feat. Pitbull (Video)

"Dance Again" is The Empire Strikes Back of song sequels - effortlessly eclipsing the dubious charms of the first installment (ie. "On The Floor"). Jenny channels Donna Summer and Kylie on this ridiculously cute and catchy club banger. I can't even fault Pitbull's contribution. Oh and "I want to dance! And love! And dance! Again" is the best chorus of the decade.

12. Eyes Open - Taylor Swift (Video)

How strange that Taylor's non-single contribution to The Hunger Games soundtrack was better than anything on her album. Her reed thin voice survives the unexpectedly heavy rock production to make this the new and improved "Eye Of The Tiger". Make sure you track down the Jason Nevins remix, which turns the song into a fabulous Shania Twain-tastic square-dancing number.

11. Roc The Life - Rita Ora (Video)

A staggeringly catchy pop song that should have spearheaded Rita's semi-successful debut album. The production is insane and her vocal is slicker than anything on Unapologetic but more than that, I like the message. This track is about getting off your fat arse and having the balls and backbone to follow your dreams/passions. "Baby watch it from the sideline, while I rock the life" is a motto to live by.

10. Losing You - Solange (Video)

"Tell me the truth am I losing you for good?" implores Beyoncé's hipster-goddess sister on this synth-heavy break-up anthem. Solange needs to explore the whole retro-electronica sound further on her next album. I think she's finally found her niche.

9. Youth - Foxes (Video)

Foxes was one of the most exciting newcomers of 2012. "Echo" was great and I loved her collaboration with Zedd but neither of those gems comes close to the towering brilliance of "Youth". This song is such a statement. The Brit's gorgeous voice soars over apocalyptic beats on this ode to fading youth and lost dreams.

8. Happy Pills - Norah Jones (Video)

Norah ditched her staid jazz sound for a new breezy approach with a little help from Danger Mouse and delivered the best song of her career. "Happy Pills" is the wryest break-up anthem of all time. She's not sad or even particularly bitter. Just happy the whole mess is behind her.

7. Zero Gravity - Kerli (Video)

Kerli finally lives up to the hype with "Zero Gravity". The Estonian dance diva gets everything right on this one. A soaring chorus hovers over crashing techno beats, while the lyrics manage to transcend the usual dance-pop rubbish about looking sexy in a club. There's something distinctly lush and wistful about "Zero Gravity" that is completely at odds with Kerli's Eurotrash image. A very big step in the right direction.

6. Wild Love - Gossling (Video)

This was an early frontrunner for the best single of the year. Gossling's voice is jarring at first but it is perfect for this smouldering love song. Poetic lyrics, atmospheric production and a generous dose of melancholy make "Wild Love" unforgettable.

5. Ride - Lana Del Rey (Video)

Lana leaves the understated, doomed elegance of the Born To Die era behind with "Ride". It's tougher and earthier and generally free of any flaw. This is a mouth-watering glimpse of the next step in the diva's musical evolution.

4. Don't Save Me - Haim (Video)

Who are these girls? They came out of nowhere with very little fanfare to drop one of the most glorious pop songs of 2012. This is some quality shit. Think Fleetwood Mac meets The Go-Gos for some idea of their Californian dreaminess and no frills retro sound. I've been playing this on repeat for months. They are my new favourite band until proved otherwise.

3. Dance For You - Beyoncé (Video)

Jay Z is doing something right. "I want to show you how much I appreciate you," coos Beyoncé on this surprise R&B hit. She sounds so loved up and manages to pull off the impossible - a romantic love song that doesn't descend into complete and utter filth. "Dance For You" proves that you can do sexy without sounding like a prostitute. Someone needs to strap Rihanna to a seat and force her to listen to this on repeat.

2. Die Young - Ke$ha (Video)

It amuses me when wildly uninformed individuals claim "Die Young" is Ke$ha on autopilot. Bitch - fucking - please. Lady Dolla switches up her iconic sound by introducing new elements like that catchy snare drum and those hippy hand-claps before unveiling a typically gigantic chorus and witty lyrics. A modern classic.

1. Part Of Me - Katy Perry (Below)

This song basically sums up how I felt for much of 2012. 

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