Belinda Carlisle's Triumphant Return

Isn't this photo flawless? That fur. Those cheekbones. Sure, it might be a couple of decades old but Belinda hasn't aged a day since 1983 - so I think I can get away with it. If you don't follow the iconic diva on Twitter, you might not be aware that she is embarking on a major comeback, releasing her first US single in 15 years.

It came as a surprise to me too. I knew the yoga addict had been working on new music for what felt like an eternity but "Sun" seemingly dropped from the heavens and landed on iTunes with little fanfare.

The, as it turns out, pleasantly contemporary dance-pop tune was produced by frequent Dannii collaborator Ian Masterson and is distinctly amazing. "Sun" is a synth-drenched floorfiller that sounds better than 95% of the shit currently polluting radio. I love that Belinda has bequeathed her loyal army of gays with something they will actually want to listen to - without sacrificing her own personality.

There's something peculiarly authentic about "Sun". That voice is unmistakeable and the chorus could have been lifted from any of her late '80s albums but it's more than that. You can take the girl out of Cali but there's something undeniably chilled and breezy about Belinda's music that is quintessentially West Coast.

"Sun" is lifted from a new greatest hits compilation, which has just been released on US iTunes. Belinda has promised an international release in May - along with more new stuff. In the meantime, check out her glorious dance anthem below. Let the Carlisle revival start here.

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Is Demi This Generation's Pop Princess?

Every few years there is a changing of the guard. All the pretty ponies that were showered with undying love and attention either take a step up the pop ladder - or are sent kicking and screaming to the glue factory. It's a ruthless cycle that few survive. For every Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, there are 10 Hilary Duffs wondering what the fuck happened. And, for a while there, that's the fate that seemed to await Demi Lovato - the destiny of being a largely irrelevant footnote in the history of teen-pop.

Unlike aforementioned Lizzie McGuire actress (who desperately needs to make a comeback), Demi had no real hits to her credit and was better known for allegedly not fucking Joe Jonas. But then she had a breakdown and people found her interesting again. To her credit, the then 19-year-old worked that shit like a pro - churning out the air-grabbing anthem "Skyscraper" and genuinely brilliant "Give Your Heart A Break". It became blindingly obvious that Demi was the talented teen idol. Selena had the famous boyfriend and Miley had the fame but pop's favourite cutter could really sing.

I loved Demi's third album but Unbroken underperformed. It did well enough to land her a spot on X Factor next to Britney and, again, she's taken an opportunity and created something unexpectedly massive. The Camp Rock survivor could have been forgiven for returning with a shitty dance track like "Scream & Shout" but she (or more likely her team) went with a song co-penned by rising pop diva Nikki Williams and produced by the relatively unknown Suspex. In that regard "Heart Attack" was a risk but the song is a stone cold smash from the very first listen.

Dabbling ever-so-slightly in the electronic movement, the now 20-year-old updated her sound with some icy synths but this is basically an '80s power ballad dragged into the new millennium. The lyrics are occasionally twee - bitch, wash your damn hair regardless! - but the 14-year-old girl in all of us is silently nodding her head in approval, while crying silent tears of agreement as Demi tells it like it is. Best of all, the focus is on the budding diva's glorious vocals. "Heart Attack" is currently sitting at #1 on US iTunes and has every right to be absolutely massive.

So is this the next step in comeback queen's slow climb to greatness or an extension of her 15 minutes? If talent plays any factor, which is debatable, Demi could be around for the long haul. The ball's in your court now, Selena. Your next album better be flawless or you'll be bunking next to Ashley Tisdale in no time.

9/10

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Jasmine V Is The New Madonna

I can't live this lie any longer. After years of denial, it's time to come out of the closet and admit that I am... a Jasminator. Sweet relief! You might be wondering what the fuck is going on right now, so let me give you the Cliff Notes version.

Teen goddess Jasmine Villegas - better known to hundreds of fans worldwide as Jasmine V - got her big break playing Justin Bieber's love interest in the "Baby" video and has been plugging away at her own pop career ever since. I was introduced to her musical brilliance in LA when I had to write about her stunning buzz singles for Idolator. I liked most of them but she never quite reached the same level of success as contemporaries like Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Victoria Justice or Bridgit Mendler.

That could change because the teenager's new single is an absolute triumph. I'm basically playing "Paint A Smile" on a loop with Nicole's "Boomerang" and Ke$ha's "C'Mon". Yes, it's really that amazing. Jasmine's upbeat break-up anthem is cute as a button. The move towards electronica is inspired (her last single was an mid-tempo R&B anthem about domestic abuse - I'm not kidding) and the lyrics are relentlessly uplifting. I particularly like this nugget of wisdom: "When the world lets me down I'll paint a smile on!"

The video is fairly standard for an upcoming diva. The 19-year-old leaves her boyfriend and goes on a joyride only to stop at a service station manned by a male model. Because pumping gas is the industry most good-looking people gravitate towards. From that point on, there's some wholesome bar-dancing and a bit of emoting in a field. The clip isn't going to win any awards but it does the trick.

Prepare to be blown away by "Paint A Smile" (below). I'll save you a seat at the next Jasminator convention!

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Kelly Rowland Sings About Her Vagina. Yet Again. Kisses Down Low - Review

What is wrong with Kelly Rowland? Ever since "Motivation" became a well-deserved but surprise hit, she has had sex on the brain. First, there was the soft porn "Lay It On Me" video. The Destiny's Child backing vocalist then claimed she was "Down For Whatever" before raising temperatures - of perverts and sex offenders - on "Ice". Now the randy bitch is back with another ode to her insatiable vagina called "Kisses Down Low".

I hate to say it but I blame Beyoncé. She was always the sexy one in Destiny's Child. Take the iconic "Cater 2 U" video. Bey writhed around in a tiny bikini, while Ms Kelly tried and failed to rock an unflattering safari suit. It's nice that the former girl-next-door can finally embrace her inner-bombshell but enough is enough with the sleazy mid-tempo baby-makin' jams.

Having said all that, "Kisses Down Low" is a slick tune. Mike WILL Made It is one of the hottest producers in urban music right now and I love how he mixes the tempo up on Kelly's latest. The beats are hot, it sounds fresh and the lyrics will definitely get attention. Kudos to the failed actress for dropping it two weeks before King B's comeback. I'm here for Ms Rowland's shady sales tactics!

Grab some tissues and listen to "Kisses Down Low"... below.

7/10

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Destiny's Child Return - Nuclear Review

I still remember the first time I heard a Destiny's Child song. As a kid I was obsessed with Rick Dees' Top 40 countdown, which aired late on a Sunday afternoon in Australia. I would devour every track on my battered cassette walkman - often writing down notes on a scrap of paper so I could order the CD at my local record store. Yes, people. Life really sucked in the days before the internet! But back to the children of destiny. One night Rick introduced a new girlband from Texas and spun "No, No, No". My hands shook as I wrote down their name because I knew I had to get my hands on this magical track - which, in retrospect, is quite an odd reaction for a white boy from the suburbs. It was literally love at first listen.

From that moment the Spice Girls and all other lessor acts ceased to exist in my eyes. Beyoncé, Kelly, LaTavia and LeToya were my badly-dressed queens - even if I often had no idea what they were singing about. For years I thought "Bug A Boo" was about insects! They just sounded like angels to me. I cried when the line-up changed, completely lost my shit when the trio finally toured Australia as part of the Rumba festival and held a massive grudge against Bey for years (I basically ignored her first two solo albums) for leaving the band! So how do you respond to news that an act you loved that much has just released a new song for a random compilation of love songs?

The answer - strangely - is with little interest. To be honest, I expected "Nuclear" to be shit. Beyoncé is about to take over the music world with a $50 million dollar Pepsi deal, Superbowl performance and new album - why would she invest time and creativity into what is obviously a record label obligation? And then the initial reviews came in and they were terrible and I felt relief. I could finally listen to the song with no expectation of it being any good. But then I heard the damn thing and realised that everyone is fucked because "Nuclear" is as gorgeous as it is gloriously produced and innovative.

Co-written by Michelle Williams and produced by Pharrell, the smooth mid-tempo jam transports us back to the '90s with the grace of a freshly fueled DeLorean. "Nuclear" mixes soulful harmonies with warm and fuzzy house beats not heard since the glory days of Massive Attack, Pet Shop Boys and - don't laugh - Black Box. There's even a touch of Madonna circa Erotica. This is the sound that Azealia Banks has spent her entire career trying to tap into with varying degrees of success.

Of course, the track is completely unpalatable to listeners who mistake "We Found Love" for R&B and will, most likely, baffle spectators if the ladies perform it at Superbowl. For me, however, "Nuclear" is an unexpectedly happy ending for my favourite band of all time. Special props to Michelle (AKA the legendary vocalist behind top 40 Hungarian hit "We Break The Dawn") for the gorgeous lyrics. "It's nuclear with you here" is the prettiest chorus I've heard in months.

10/10

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Carmen Electra Returns To Pop Music After A 19 Year Break!

Is this real life? Mariah is coming to Australia, two fifths of the Spice Girls have reunited and Carmen Electra just slayed all our faves with her first single in 19 years. It's more than my brain can handle! I had no idea Carmen - Baywatch beauty and Aerobic Striptease workout mogul - was even back in the studio but I guess a girl has to pay the bills somehow. Well, time has not wearied the triple threat's vocal genius. "I Like It Loud" is an absolute triumph!

Carmen's 1993 Prince-produced debut album is an undeniable trash classic. "Go Go Dancer" has stood the test of time with its fabulously slutty video and incredibly bad lyrics, while "Fantasia Erotica" is as amazing as the title suggests. The album bombed and the now 40-year-old eventually found fame "acting" but I think she missed her calling. "I Like It Loud" is the best Luciana song not recorded by Luciana. It's a fast and furious club anthem with a killer chours. She even raps about Lana Del Rey's pout!

I really hope there's a typically classy video on the way. You can download Carmen's future smash from US iTunes now. The rest of the world will have to wait a while.

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Ke$ha's New Video Gave Me Epilepsy And I Fucking Loved It

Stop your entire fucking life! Ke$ha's erection-inducing "Die Young" video has finally hit the net and it's every bit as awe-inspiring as we've come to expect from the Queen of soul and many other genres. So where to start? Probably with a warning. If you suffer from epilepsy or took a lot of drugs in the '90s, you might want to watch the clip through sunglasses. My head was spinning so fast by the end of K$'s Apocalypse-themed visual that I now see Illuminati triangles when I close my eyes. I feel so blessed!

The Citizen Kane of music videos begins with a hearse driving into a deserted Mexican village. Don't worry. Paulina Rubio is probably still alive but there seems to have been a cataclysmic event in that part of the world. Obviously the masses got sick of hearing "Diamonds" on the radio and revolted. But I digress. The first glimpse of pop's fiercest warrior took my breath away. Only Ke$ha could pose under a satanic black veil in the back of a death-mobile and still give me wood. Viagra just went out of business because one glance at this siren will redirect your blood flow in seconds!

After being carried into a cathedral like the patron saint of Gothic transvestites, Ke$ha breaks some shit - because that's what edgy cult-leaders do! - and throws a party with her sexy dancers. Apparently only hot bisexuals survive the apocalyse, so it's reassuring to know that Frank Ocean will be ok if the Mayans are right. From that point on, things get kinda crazy with dizzying choreography and a selection of barely-there outfits.

I particularly love the hilarious Nokia promotion. So the world just ended and the last remaining survivors get on their phones to call... who? Clearly it's just a surreal touch (and definitely not a grab for cash) to underline the fact that Dr. Luke's fave is now a true artiste. So embarrassed for your fave right now! And let's just talk about the raunchy bed scene. How hot does she look? Pray for the uncut version to be uploaded to Pornhub!

Ke$ha could have attacked this clip from a number of different directions but I think she made a wise choice. "Die Young" is darker than her usual fare but still glam, glittery and very much tongue-in-cheek. If Lady Gaga did this video it would run for 23 minutes, be shot in black & white and feature Mother Monster performing an interpretive dance in the children's ward of a hospital. Our Queen, on the other hand, just lets her unwashed hair down and has fun. This is an ocean of win.

Song: 10/10, Video: 10/10

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Brandy Drops The Cheapest Video Of 2012

What the hell is this? Brandy doing bad choreography in front of 10 people she paid to look mildly interested is not the basis for a video - particularly when the super-catchy "Put It Down" turned out to be something of a sleeper hit. This mess (below) looks like it was thrown together on Windows Moviemaker by Ray J after his second bottle of Patron. I know it's hard to fund big budget clips when you're on the grind - and the D List - but I've seen more interesting visuals from unsigned acts on YouTube.

It's a shame because "Wildest Dreams" is a great song. I love that Brandy takes it back to her '90s hey-day with a slick mid-tempo R&B anthem that boasts an instantly hummable chorus. Her vocal is great and she sounds a lot more comfortable playing the wide-eyed innocent than the sultry seductress she tries and fails to be on some of Two Eleven's more underwhelming tracks. I'm not sure how "Wildest Dreams" will be received by radio programmers - it's probably too subtle to make much of an impact - but it's the only song on her album (apart from the Breezy duet) with any kind of commercial appeal and deserved a decent video.

Song: 8/10, Video: 1/10

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No Doubt - Looking Good - Video Review

No Doubt's Push And Shove is another album I've been meaning to review for months but never really got around to. In a nutshell - I love every song but think it's a bit thin on potential hit singles with the exception of "Easy" and "Looking Hot". So I'm relieved that Gwen and the gang have chosen the latter as the album's official second single. This should be a no-brainer. Killer chorus, lyrics that will get sluts dancing faster than free alcohol and superb production that blends genres while never losing its top 40 radio appeal. My favourite part is the dancehall breakdown towards the end. How much have you missed No Doubt?

But back to the video. The first two visuals were a bit disappointing for the band that brought us iconic clips like "Hella Good" and "It's My Life". I thought "Settle Down" was adequately glossy and colourful but "Push And Shove" gave me nightmares. Pop stars of a certain age shouldn't be giving us Blair Witch realness. No one looks good in that clip - and it's an almost impossible task to make Gwen Stefani look anything less than stunning! I'm happy to report they've learned their lesson and gone all glamorous again for "Looking Hot".

At first I had an issue with the mildly ridiculous cowboys and Indians theme. It doesn't really suit the song and struck me as a bit desperate. But then I gave in to the band's eccentric visual and now love it. Sure, it's no masterpiece. The clip looks a bit cheap and the "plot" doesn't make sense but who really cares when Gwen Stefani is rocking Indian fashion with the kind of attitude Cher displayed when she was promoting "Halfbreed"? The styling is absolutely great - love the scene in the teepee with the wolf - and the yummy mummy looks like the pop/rock goddess that she is.

Seriously, why can't Madonna call Gwen's doctor? That man is miracle worker. She still looks 27. Apart from some pretty scenery, a rather cool party scene and the stupid sub-plot about Gwen being captured by cowboys - that's it. And it's enough for me. No Doubt has found their commercial stride again. It will be interesting to see how radio takes to "Looking Hot". If it gets sufficient airplay, this could be the song that returns them to the top of the singles chart. The oddball video (below) can only help. I'm so happy they're back.

Song: 10/10, Video: 8/10

EDIT: No Doubt pulled the video after complaints from Native Americans. Who knew that Gwen Stefani wearing a pink headdress was so offensive? Oh well back to the drawing board.

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Thomas Fiss - Chasing Satellites

File this under songs that should be massive. "Chasing Satellites" is the new "Call Me Maybe" in my little universe. Seriously, if you look past the "We Found Love"-lite backing track, this is 100% pure-pop perfection. I love everything about it from the cheerfully inane lyrics to the smorgasbord of catchy hooks ("wo-o-o-oh!") and the singer's sweet vocal. So who is Thomas Fiss? Well, he used to be in a boyband called Varsity Fanclub - you probably don't remember their only hit but it was actually pretty good.

Since then he's been working with Ryan Tedder and touring with acts like The Wanted and Cody Simpson. Which is pretty amazing company. I love Thomas' guitar-pop meets Eurodance sound and hope the fact that his surname rhymes with piss doesn't hold him back. I haven't listened to the whole EP yet but it's on my to-do list. Until then I'm just going to watch the "Chasing Satellites" video on repeat (below). It's a suitably summery affair and there is some fancy sparkler action. It helps that the 25-year-old is pretty easy on the eyes. So much win.

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Random Pop Flashback: Carly Simon - Let The River Run

When I was a kid I wanted to be Melanie Griffith's character in Working Girl. At the time I didn't quite understand that Tess was a broke bitch from the wrong side of town committing fraud while rocking some of the worst fashion of all time. As far as I was concerned she was the epitome of glamour and success. After all, the secretary-turned-CEO caught a ferry to work and vacuumed in the nude. I was sold! While my appreciation of the film has changed over the years, it still strikes a deep chord with me. Tess just wanted to escape her shitty past and be someone new. To live up to her potential. I get that. All I have to do is hear the damn theme song and I'm Googling flights to New York.

"Let The River Run" won the Academy Award for best song in 1989 and proved to be Carly Simon's last entry on the Billboard Hot 100 (as a solo artist), peaking at #49. It really is an extraordinary track that still gives me goosebumps. A beautifully written hymn to New York, the song juxtaposes its poetic lyrics with what could almost be described as a sedate tribal beat. Throw in a choir and Ms Simon's trademark nasal vocal and you have a quirky blend of sounds that shouldn't work but turns out to be so much more than the sum of its parts. Then there's the classic video (below), which features actors from the film and Carly's crazy horse teeth. Perfection from beginning to end.

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Ashlee Simpson Returns To Reclaim Her Throne

It's the moment we've all been waiting for! No, not Madonna's retirement - Ashlee Simpson is back with new music! As anyone with accurate hearing can attest, Bittersweet World is one of the greatest pop albums of the past decade. I cherish every song on that underrated gem and still get angry at the way it was dismissed by lazy critics who couldn't look past the diva's surname to judge the pioneering pop tunes on their merit. Anyway, rant over. So was new single "Bat For A Heart" worth the three year wait? Not really. The song is dreadful - think Chloe Lattanzi without the class and exquisite production value - but I'm so excited about her return that I really don't give a shit. I'll still download this mess on November 21. No doubt the thinking man's Simpson will give us something worthy of her genius when "Bat For A Heart" sinks without a trace. Welcome back, Ashlee. You have been missed!

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Ciara Finally Releases A Good Song

Ciara drags the One Man Army era back from the brink of seemingly inevitable, Basic Instinct-sized failure with his best single since "Oh". It's good. Very good, in fact. "Got Me Good" is a nuclear-powered dance anthem with crisp production and a surprisingly sweet vocal. Think "Work" with a chorus. It kind of reminds me of Janet. You know when she used to whisper over heavy beats and actually sell records? Whoever convinced Cici to stop making music like this and release all those sleazy slow jams needs a bullet. This is the dude with the reed-thin voice I fell in love with growing up. All of a sudden I'm looking forward to his new album. "Sorry" was a nice ballad and "Sweat" kind of wore me down after the 217th listen when it finally becomes more than noise.

And then there's the video. Ciara uses those gigantic hands to snatch more wigs than RuPaul at a Halloween party. The desert location is a bit tired and his hair looks thirstier than Brandy's Two Eleven promo campaign but the choreography is flawless. I haven't seen a man dance like this since Chris Brown at the Grammys! Cici shakes the game to its very foundations with acrobatic dance moves and shows off her rock-hard abs in an outfit I'm pretty sure Toni Braxton wore in 1997. The clip stands out because it's been so long since someone just danced without resorting to silly gimmicks. I really hope "Got Me Good" is a hit. You know it would probably be an era-defining smash for someone more relevant - like Teairra Mari or Trina - but hopefully the Darkchild-produced club-banger can breathe some life into the former-hitmaker's stalled career.

9/10

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Lana Del Rey's Ride - Video Review

I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet

I can't remember the last time a full length movie affected me as much as Lana Del Rey's sweeping, ten-minute "Ride" video clip. The indie-pop goddess is now so far ahead of the game when it comes to combining music with a visual element that she's almost created her own genre. This is the kind of ARTPOP Lady Gaga has spent her entire career trying to achieve but just doesn't have the emotional depth to pull off. I thought Lana was verging on self-parody in her "Summertime Sadness" video but she's taken the next step in her perennially gloomy evolution by escaping the sepia-tinged beauty of her mid-20th century comfort zone. The doomed beauty queen loses her crown - and gown - in "Ride", moving through the seedy heart of America on the back of Harley.

I was always an unusual girl

There's so much greatness on display in Anthony Mandler's mini-masterpiece that I'm almost scared to deconstruct it and find a flaw. So in broad strokes, the clip begins with Lana swinging on a tyre against a quintessentially American backdrop of harsh red rocks and watery blue sky. She is no longer the face of elegant repression. The Queen of sadcore sheds her perfectly-coiffed hair and sophisticated outfits in favour of a home perm and denim skirt. It looks like a scene from Easy Rider and, as the video progresses, it soon becomes apparent that the similarities are not a coincidence. Lana's latest incarnation could be a character from that Dennis Hopper classic. She is the ultimate biker bitch, singing and screwing her way across the United States on the back of a motorbike. You know you're in for something special when the narration begins with: "I was in the winter of my life and the men I met along the road were my only summer."

I was born to be the other woman

Broken dreams and lost hope are two of Lana's favourite subject matters but she's never captured them more beautifully on film. We're taken on a tour of truck stops, dive bars and seedy motels. Our doomed protagonist talks us through her life - failed singing career, prostitution and perennial loneliness being some of the highlights - before, somewhat surprisingly given the diva's penchant for doom, finding freedom and unexpected salvation on the back of a motorbike. At least that's my interpretation. Technically, "Ride" is a triumph. The woman formerly known as Lizzy Grant embodies the character superbly - probably because it's just a slightly darker mutation of the Lana Del Rey persona she dreamed up prior to recording Born To Die. She is so defiant and committed to the role because so much of herself went into creating it.

I believe in the person I want to become

And then there's Anthony Mandler's exquisite direction. Every scene is a work of art. How can you make being fucked from behind on a pinball machine by a disgusting, old man so heartbreakingly beautiful? Or the moment where the biker carefully brushes her hair so touching? My favourite scene is probably where Lana points a gun to her head while wearing an Indian headdress. The camera is hand held and the shot is framed slightly off-centre. It would have been temping to shoot the soon-to-be iconic moment square-on but that would have been a little too perfect. Anthony understands that Lana is a study in frayed beauty and bottled turmoil. I thought the pair's "National Anthem" video would be hard to top but this easily surpasses it.

11/10

The "Paradise Edition" of Born To Die is released on November 14. I already ordered the boxset!

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Holy Fuck, Kelegend Has A New Single

I've been overdosing on Kelly Clarkson since basking in the glow of her flawless K-mart fashion and vocal brilliance in Perth. Stronger is a 21-sized smash in my mind (and on my iPod), so it seems a little short-sighted to close the door on that era when she has gems like "I Forgive You" and "Let Me Down" just waiting to be unleashed. Kelegend's label obviously feels differently and has decided to rush-release a greatest hits compilation just in time for Christmas. It's a bit lazy but happily the lead single from Greatest Hits: Chapter 1 is yet another triumph.

In a strange way "Catch My Breath" picks up where her stunning football anthem left off - by exploring an unusually synth-heavy soundscape. The Jason Halbert/Eric Olsen-produced track is a perky mid-tempo dance anthem with an uplifting chorus that finds Kelly taking stock of her phenomenal career. You can tell she didn't work with an  industry heavyweight like Max Martin or Dr. Luke on this one - it has a softness and sincerity that their radio-ready hits often lack. That may work against it on the charts but I sincerely doubt Miss Independent gives a fuck either way. "Catch My Breath" is the perfect song to celebrate ten years of hard work and over-achievement.

Kelegend's latest smash rocks Australian iTunes on October 17.

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Kelly Clarkson Conquers Perth

Two and a half years ago I went to Kelly Clarkson's All I Ever Wanted tour a mildly-interested casual fan and left preaching the gospel of Kelegend. There's something utterly compelling about her combination of raw talent and natural charm that just draws you in. Since then, the inaugural American Idol winner has had something of a career revival. She released the best album of her career in 2011 and returned to number one on the US singles chart with the double-platinum selling smash "Stronger". I was curious to see if her current success reflected in the stage show and was oddly relieved that it was just as low key as her last tour. Kelly doesn't fuck around with choreography, costume changes and lighting concepts. She just sings her heart out and wins the crowd over with her funny anecdotes and down-to-earth personality. I wouldn't have it any other way.

"My Life Would Suck Without You" eloquently describes how many of us were feeling when the perky pop star walked on stage singing what will inevitably become her signature tune. I love that Kelly just put her hair back in a ponytail, threw on a pair of old jeans and a sparkly top that she could well have picked up at Target. Your fave could never and you know it! That modern classic was followed by the equally stellar "Behind These Hazel Eyes", which still sounds better than just about anything on the radio. The Texan superstar then belted out a trio of songs from Stronger. "I Forgive You" - AKA the ultimate wasted opportunity - was always destined to be a massive single but I guess now it will have to settle for live favourite status. How shit. It really is a great song. I loved "Dark Side" went it leaked initially but I'm a little bit over it now and was vastly more excited to hear "You Love Me", which is probably my favourite non-single of last year.

Next up was her desperate "Halo" rip-off "Already Gone" (Ryan Tedder's fault, not hers) and a surprise rendition of her amazing Jason Aldean duet "Don't You Wanna Stay". I didn't think we'd get much country Kelly but we got a double dose when she announced that her fan request for the evening would be Carrie Underwood's "Blown Away". It just so happens that I went to the show with Australia's biggest Carrie fan and she howled through the entire song and couldn't move afterward because of "the emotion". Obviously, she is a crazy lady but I was only slightly less moved. Kelly's rendition of the haunting ballad was absolutely exquisite. She pared the song back to its bare bones and emphasised the dark lyrics, turning Carrie's American smash into an eerie lullaby. After the country detour, the famed football fan performed the best of Breakaway - belting out pitch-perfect renditions of "Because Of You", the title track and "Since U Been Gone".

The world's favourite girl-next-door then closed the show with "Stronger". I know it's one of the biggest hits of her entire career but I still think it sounds like a Cher B-side. Which should be a good thing but strangely isn't. After the shortest of breaks, Kelly returned in a stunning fitted dress for the encore. She looked adorable and nailed a beautifully-arranged ballad version of "Never Again". I need an mp3! "Mr Know It All" - another big hit I'm not overly fond of - sounded infinitely better live but I was more excited to hear "Miss Independent", the only song from her debut to make the setlist. Kelly ended the show with a rousing cover of Fun.'s "We Are Young" with support acts The Fray and Sarah DeBono. It was an refreshingly ego-free closing number (how many divas close their shows with a cover?) that underlines why the 30-year-old remains one of pop's favourite daughters. She's just here to sing and do her thing. Nothing else matters.

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The Return Of Kristinia DeBarge

You know the girl that sung "Goodbye"? No? You're killing me. Krissy - as she is known to me and her three other stans - was briefly hailed as the next big thing in 2009 when her catchy debut climbed into the US top 20. She sounded like a cross between pre-whore Rihanna and a less boring Jordin Sparks but her album sank faster than MDNA and she has spent the past three years making Disney movies. I was happily surprised when I read she was making a comeback and more than a little shocked to discover she got her pretty paws on a rather hot song.

"Cry Wolf" is perky mid-tempo jam that reminds me of turn of the millennium Max Martin. This wouldn't sound out of place on Robyn's debut. Interpret that as the track sounding dated if you will but I think it has a timeless quality. I love the howls and had completely forgotten how powerful her pipes were. If this flops, Jessica Mauboy should steal it for her next album! The video (below) is a bit of a worry. Kristinia shows off her bangin' bikini body in a series of skimpy outfits but the choreography doesn't really fit and I could have done without the Little Red Riding Hood parallels.

As much as I like "Cry Wolf", I'm not sure it's edgy enough to be a hit but I have my fingers crossed it helps her build some momentum. There's definitely room for her on my iPod.

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Solange Is The New Queen Electronica: Losing You - Single/Video Review

A couple of weeks ago I posted a preview of Solange's new single and described it as Bag Raiders on Valium. I was almost right. "Losing You" is a summery splash of hazy electronica but Solo isn't content with reinventing chill-out music for stoners. The brilliant Blood Orange production expertly blends soul elements into the sound palette to make this one of the most inventive and achingly beautiful singles of 2012. I've always preached the gospel of Sol-Angel but this is some next level shit. It doesn't matter if "Losing You" charts lower than the 37th buzz single from Ashanti's indefinitely pushed-back comeback album, the thinking man's Knowles is now an untouchable indie-diva and can do whatever the fuck she wants with impunity.

And the video... I hate to say it but Solange is currently washing her car with Beyoncé's finest wig. This clip is just about perfect. Ghetto fabulous has been done many times before but never as elegantly and authentically as this nostalgic slice of afro-americana. I can't get over how stunning Solo looks and the mastery with which Melina pieces the whole thing together. Where was this bitch when Bey was grinding in front of a Walmart fan in "Dance For You"? It's hard to pick a favourite moment. "Losing You" is visual art that makes the rest of the game look lazy. I even love her purposely bad dancing. Sol-Angel's sister got the dancing feet but I'm beginning to think she got the brains.

10/10

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Lordtina Is Now The Patron Saint Of Toilet Sex: 'Your Body' - Video Review

It's finally here! Christina Aguilera's "Your Body" visual dropped this morning and I'm still reeling from its brilliance. First things first. The preview was misleading. I thought Xtina was going to spend most of the clip guzzling beer in a trailer park like Beyoncé in "Party" but that's just a tiny piece of the puzzle. The always-edgy music legend actually plays a horny femme fatale who goes on an extremely colourful murder spree. In an unusual but possibly inspired dieting strategy, Christina swaps cake for cock. And she's as insatiable as ever!

Lordtina fucks in cars, sleazy motel rooms and a toilet cubicle. Which pretty much confirms that she's a gay man trapped in a woman's body. This also explains why she looks like a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race.  The thing is - it works. Xtina has always been a more-is-more kinda girl. She would look naked without a kilo of make-up and enough fake hair to insulate a house. I love the way the director camps up the murders by using paint and glitter instead of blood and the scene where Christina poses by the side of the road on her suitcase like a cracked out teletubby is so fucking ridiculous/amazing that I have no choice but to watch it on repeat.

Time will tell if "Your Body" is powerful enough to break the curse of Bionic. It debuted in the US top 40 this week and has been fairly stable on iTunes after an initial post-release dip. Fingers crossed radio gives Xtina a chance and she hits the TV circuit to promote it. Pop needs this bitch to get her groove back. Someone has to keep tireless publicity whores like Rihanna and Lady Gaga in check. This is a good start.

8/10

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Lana Takes Us To Paradise This November

We're nearing the end of September and Lana Del Rey's Born To Die is still my favourite album of the year. I'm sure Ke$ha's Warrior will give the gloomy masterpiece a run for its money but expect a photo finish. 2012 has been an amazing year for the doomed diva. She has sold 2.5 million albums - without a sizeable hit - and firmly established herself as an A List celebrity with saturation media coverage. Not bad when you consider how many people dismissed Lana as an overhyped flash in the pan! And her reign shows no sign of letting up anytime soon. Born To Die - The Paradise Edition hits stores November 12 and boasts an absolute gem of a lead single. "Ride" (below) is a grim ballad with a faint country twist. It's grittier than Lana's usual fare thanks to Rick Rubin's subtle production but every bit as sweeping and atmospheric. If the 7 other new tracks are half as good, The Paradise Edition will permanently raise the bar for re-releases. It already has as far as packaging is concerned. The deluxe version comes with the following items:

- A remix CD 
- A DVD 
- A 7" vinyl of "Blue Velvet" 
- Four art prints. 

Excuse me while I go and pre-order now!

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