Pitbull & Xtina's Feel This Moment - Video Review

Christina Aguilera's unbreakable lotus has finally been set free! After a couple of chart misfires, the iconic diva is rising up - back to the beginning - with another international smash. I wrote about "Feel This Moment" last month and basically called it a hot mess. That opinion still stands but the song has become something of a guilty pleasure and it warms what's left of my dead heart to hear Xtina's glorious pipes back on the radio.

And, it seems, I'm not alone. Despite minimal promotion, the '80s classic-sampling club banger is shooting up the charts worldwide. It would have been nice for one of the many great tracks on Lotus to get this kind of attention but I guess you need Pitbull's insightful musings - "I'm a genius, I mean brilliant" - to get bitches to click download. But that's a complaint for another day.

A belated video dropped over the weekend and it's as low brow and seemingly low budget as the song. There's a lot of tour footage, Mr Worldwide looking moronic but sexy (shut up - there's something about him!) and Godtina redefining flawlessness. I love her ridiculous wig and the fact that she's wearing more make-up than a Mexican tranny.

But most of all, I live for the parts where she's mouthing the words to Pit's rhymes, like she's collaborating with Jay Z or someone vaguely relevant. Christina is so awkward that it's endearing. I really hope she gets her groove back and reminds everyone how a real diva does it. This is a step in the right direction.

7/10

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Luciana's New Video Is Very Odd

Luciana's "U B The Bass" video dropped today and I think it's fair to say that none of us were ready for its Bad Romance-meets-The Ring aesthetic. Australia's adopted club Queen always keeps it interesting - whether she's prancing through the desert in heels or rollerskating with hookers - but this is some crazy shit.

Creepy ballerinas pose in fatsuits, while the dance icon rocks a pair of shoulder pads that would break Joan Collins' back. There's also a homeless guy, a box of wishes and enough fake hair to make Blue Ivy's first wig. It's all very arty but Luci's tongue-in-cheek humour shines through with the colourful streamers and cardboard heart.

So the video is great but what does it mean for "U B The Bass"? It obviously struck a nerve, reaching the top 100 without a shred of promotion but where are the remixes and radio adds? As far as I know there isn't even an official cover.

Hopefully, the debut of the film clip is a sign that Ministry Of Sound is about to get serious and give this amazing track the push it deserves. Luciana's latest has serious hit potential. If only she had the right machine behind her. On a slightly different note, keep your eyes and ears peeled for her husband's new single. Nick Clow is the new King of clubs!

9/10

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Mimi And A Wind Machine

I keep waiting for "Almost Home" to catch fire on radio and propel Mariah to iTunes glory but bitches are too busy downloading the latest shit from Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. Whatever. Mimi does things differently. She's above chores most stars take for granted - like promotion, working with new producers and standing. When will your fave? And while part of me wants to hear her contribution to the Oz soundtrack on the airwaves, I'm happy for it to remain my precious.

There's something about "Almost Home" that makes me inexplicably happy. Sure, it's an uplifting tune but the connection goes deeper than that. Maybe it's the fact that Mariah is on the grind again or hitting notes that seemed to have escaped her forever only a couple of years ago. Either way, the Stargate-produced track is my own personal time machine to the late '90s when the pop legend churned out beautiful ballads faster than Rihanna copy and pastes albums. It taps into a well of nostalgia that I didn't even know was there.

With modern classics like "Auld Lang Syne (Fireworks Edition)", it's fair to say that Mimi is the reigning queen of music videos and she doesn't disappoint with the visual for "Almost Home" (below). Mariah basically sits on a stool looking flawless before battling a ruthless wind machine. My favourite moment is when she shocks fans with some high-energy hand choreography. It's everything and more.

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Why I Respect Nelly Furtado - Bucket List Review

Nelly Furtado raised the bar for flopping with The Spirit Indestructible. Her last English language recording sold 10 million copies worldwide, while 2012's comeback effort sold a paltry 6,000 copies first week. In all fairness, the criminally underrated album turned out to be a steady seller in some parts of Europe - namely, Germany where she has always been disproportionately popular to the rest of the world. Kind of like Pink in Australia. Most divas would have hung up their microphone in shame and distanced themselves from the project faster than Taylor Swift's eyes scan a room for single men but Nelly is still promoting that fucker like it's 21. Respect.

I wish more artists would show this kind of commitment to an album. What does it say about the level of pride in your work and the faith in your artistic vision if you just give up because you missed the top 20? Kylie took a similar approach with Impossible Princess in the late '90s when the UK basically laughed in her face and sent her packing back to Australia. It turned out to be the turning point for her career. That might not happen with Nelly but she's just debuted the video for her fifth - and best - single from The Spirit Indestructible and is currently winding up a tour of Canada and Europe. Let's hope Christina and Ke$ha show similar dedication to their underperforming but vastly more successful albums.

That takes us back to "Bucket List". A low-key Darkchild production that wouldn't sound out of place on Folklore, the moody track perfectly showcases the Canadian diva's quirky voice and knack for writing melancholy lyrics. Like the rest of her album, it's completely uncommercial - the video begins with an intro about the dangers of dying alone and unfulfilled! - but it would probably be massive with the indie-pop crowd if it was recorded by an 18-year-old hipster with no life experience. The video is cheap. Like it was literally filmed between tour stops but I can't get over how beautiful Nelly looks. This era might have failed commercially but she can hold her head up high.

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Ke$ha Really Loves Pussy - C'Mon Video Review

I must have sat down to write this review at least 10 times over the past month but it never quite happened. I think I was suffering from fan fatigue. After documenting the "Die Young" campaign from pre-leak to post-Sandy Hook fallout, I just wanted to enjoy a Ke$ha release without analysing every tiny detail. And it's been a lot of fun re-connecting with the pussy-lovin' pop icon.

"C'Mon" has proved the doomsayers wrong. After a slow start, the current soundtrack to my life is gathering momentum in Australia (and America) and looks like being another big hit. It still wouldn't have been my pick as the second single but only because it misrepresents the millennium's most underrated album. "Crazy Kids", "Gold Trans Am" or "Only Wanna Dance With You" better represent the glory of cock-pop but I asked Jesus for guidance and he has helped me come to terms with the choice.

Don't get me wrong. I love "C'Mon" and get excited every time I hear it on the radio. It's an instant cure for a bad day and makes me want to drive around robbing convenience stores. Capturing the song's breezy brilliance was always going to be a challenge but the clip does an amazing job of letting us inside K$'s weird and wonderful head.

Director Darren Craig was also responsible for the diva's controversial "Die Young" video but he takes a very different approach this time. Gone are the Satanic references and group sex. Instead we get fuzzy animal costumes and a wild party. As much as I love "Die Young", I think this clip is more authentic to Lady Dolla. Like she was playing a character last time but can finally be herself now.

There is so much to love about this video, I don't even know where to start. I love that she looks like Ellie May from the Beverly Hillbillies in the opening scene. I want to ride in the magical van with God$ha and her pussycat companion (there are a lot of cat references in this clip). I approve of her stunning fashion choices and feel like partying with magical animals is the way forward. Most of all, I want her glamorous bedroom. I would seriously never leave the house ever again!

Go and download "C'Mon" today. Pop needs Ke$ha and the song and video (below) are pretty much flaw-free.

9/10

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Boomerang > The Matrix - Video Review

The world spit me out and I was spinnin' around

The Nicole Scherzinger juggernaut gathered even more momentum yesterday with the release of her game-changing "Boomerang" video. This is some next level shit but I'm going to keep it real. My initial reaction was something along the lines of - what in the "Scream & Shout" hell is this? But then I watched it a couple of dozen more times and realised that Nicky is breaking new ground with her high art, low budget masterpiece.

Before I delve into the magic of Matrix - The Musical, can I just say how much better "Boomerang" sounds in HQ? I loved the radio rip but it made the production sound a bit shoddy. Now this is the kind of pop perfection I expect from the woman who brought us "Wet"! Moving on to the video. It's rather gorgeous to look at it, don't you think? Nicole is always flawless but she really brings sexy back in a selection of stylish outfits that show off her killer curves.

In the first couple of scenes, "Boomerang" reminds me of Kylie's "Love At First Sight" with the flashes of colour juxtaposed against the black and white background. It's chic and classy and almost a bit boring but then we're thrown down the rabbit hole into a weird and wonderful world of marching Scherzi-soldiers and dubious special effects.

Actually, let me clarify. Some of the visuals are stunning - I love the scene where all the Nicoles are hanging mid-air and when they make pretty shapes. My favourite part is probably when the diva has light glowing out of her back. That is some Tron-inspired shit right there! The weirder the concept, the better the computer effects look. However, there are a couple of dodgy moments and there's no excuse for wearing a garbage bag in that neon cage.

On the whole, however, "Boomerang" is stylish and odd and utterly captivating. It's a Lady Gaga concept filmed on a Dev-sized budget but that's Nicky for you. Always aiming for the top!

Watch in awe as the most underrated girl in game snatches your fave's wig below.

9/10

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Two Black Cadillacs - Video Review

When people discuss music's highest-selling divas, Carrie Underwood is often left out of the conversation. And while she can't match the receipts of Adele and Taylor, the country queen's latest album has sold 1.3 million copies in the US - and she's only just released the third single. Blown Away has outsold recent efforts by Beyoncé, Rihanna and Kelly Clarkson. So isn't it about time you explored her mega-selling country-pop opus?

And to be honest, "Two Black Cadillacs" is the perfect starting point. The dark and gloomy murder-revenge anthem represents the next step in the evolution of Carrie Underwood. She's putting the girl-next-door shit aside - at least for now - to explore themes more at home on a Lana Del Rey record. I love how well country music lends itself to telling a story and the Americon Idol winner has an absolute doozy on her hands.

In a nutshell - a wife discovers her man is cheating and teams up with his hoe mistress to kill him. Given the song's already sinister subject matter, I thought Carrie might lighten things up with a camp video but she plunges head first into her new role as a femme fatale. The clip is eerily beautiful and I love the Stephen King-inspired twist at the end. This is the kind of thing you'd expect from Katy Perry or Lady Gaga. Which is why "Two Black Cadillacs" might find an even wider audience than usual.

Watch Carrie channel her inner murderess below:

8.5/10

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ONJ & John Travolta Drop The Video Of The Century

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta are the musical equivalent of gin and tonic or Keri Hilson and poverty. They belong together. From Grease to their recent Christmas album, the much-loved duo continue to raise the bar for light-hearted entertainment. But their latest offering takes things to an entirely new level. The somewhat ironically-titled "I Think You Might Like It" - obviously, you're going to love it! - ends careers. Namely John and Olivia's!

You see, there's no going back from this moment of utter perfection. These three flawless minutes have ruined visual art for me. I laughed. I cried. I even begged it to stop. There's not much else to say really. You have to witness this... spectacle with your own eyes. Highlights include John's spray on hair, the most awkward dance routine of all time and a bizarre subplot about lost children at an airport. Our faves have just been schooled in the art of magic by two of the all-time greats!

10/10

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Will.i.am + Britney = The Worst Video Of 2012

Seriously, what is this shit? I feel like I just watched the world's worst commercial for electronic goods. These two fools are all over Twitter carrying on like they just filmed The Matrix and then deliver this green-screen nightmare? BYE. I can't even be bothered reviewing it. Will.i.am looks embarrassed, Britney thinks she's doing a photoshoot for middle-aged women gone wild and the director just wants his name removed from the credits. Deluded Spears fans will love it. The rest of us will just scratch our heads and wonder why Christina is the one with having a career crisis. After all, she's never put her name to anything this tired, lazy and dated.

0/10

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Ricki-Lee's New Video Is Not Crap

My feud with Ricki-Lee is officially on hold. I really like "Burn It Down" and think the video is her best effort since "Don't Miss You" - you know the one where she gets drunk on a boat? Fuck, I love that song. More importantly, I respect the fact that she's still promoting Fear & Freedom despite its chart run. Hopefully, this song can turn it around. "Never Let Go" is equally amazing - so there's some life left in the album. I also approve of her releasing a signed physical single of "Burn It Down". More pop acts should do this. I'm hoping for a personal dedication!

Anyway, here's why Ricki-Lee's "Burn It Down" video is not awful:

1. She has ditched the scary blond zombie look from "Crazy"
2. There's no awkward choreography
3. The storyline is authentic - I totally believe Ricki-Lee would throw food in your face and steal your car
4. Kudos to her for picking up a hot hitchhiker and fucking him on the hood of her car
5. I totally identify with the scene where she wakes up half-naked in a strange place after a big night out

See you on New Year's Eve, sweetheart!

7.5/10

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Kelly Rowland's Vagina Takes Centre Stage - 'Ice' Video Review

Beyoncé's favourite backing vocalist had an epiphany a while back. Her voice wasn't getting much attention, so she shifted the focus to her vagina. It turned out to be an inspired career move. "Motivation" delayed her seemingly inevitable exile to Ashanti's island of failed R&B singers and she's been working those golden pussy lips ever since. Fair play. I like the vast majority most of Kelly's racy sex anthems - strippers need soothing background music too! - but her reunion with Lil Wayne is just too vulgar. Even for me.

Some of the lyrical highlights of "Ice":

- I leave that pussy smokin' like ice
- Pillow underneath my back, got me up against the window
- He hates it when I use my hands
- The mirror up on the ceiling got things so visual

It's basically the worst Xtube clip of all time set to music. But is the video any good? Unfortunately for Kelly's three remaining Rowl Dogs the answer is no. Sure, there is a really hot guy in it and Tenitra's mentor looks beautiful - particularly when she's rocking that huge Diana Ross wig. Apart from that, it's incredibly boring.

The "Party" video star wins points for revisiting some looks from earlier videos and the choreography is nice but I just don't buy the sex fiend routine. Let's not forget that Kelly is a really bad actress. I mean people clapped when her character was murdered in Freddy Vs Jason. I just wish she could be herself. Which is good enough for me but obviously not for the basic bitches downloading this garbage.

Song: 1/10, Video: 5/10

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Rihanna's 'Diamonds' - Video Review

unfortunately she doesn't drown

Britney was terrifying during the Femme Fatale era. That vacant stare, those robotic interviews and her complete and utter lack of involvement made it uncomfortable to watch. However, Rihanna is turning manufactured pop-puppetry into artform with Unapolgetic. Did the poor man's Shontelle even know she had an album coming out until her label announced it on Twitter? It's not like the lazy bitch has a single songwriting credit or needed more than a couple of hours to add her bleating goat vocal to the nearly-finished demos. But whatever.

The Navy doesn't give a fuck about Rihanna's involvement (or lack thereof) in her own career. They probably think "Diamonds" is a high-brow musical triumph instead of a tacky Sia B-Side howled over a sample of Toto's "Africa". At least the big-budget Anthony Mandler-directed video showed promised. His recent work with Lana Del Rey has been breathtaking and he was responsible for some of Riri's best videos ("Te Amo" and "Man Down"). Unfortunately, history doesn't repeat. I'm sure this mess was supposed to shine like a diamond but it just ends up stinking like a turd.

For starters, the plot is more confusing than Inception. Can somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on? One minute the original Rita Ora is floating in water like a piece of badly-dressed driftwood, the next a couple of horses are breeding in the great outdoors. Sorry bitch but Mariah did horse porn first and better way back in 1997! She then wanders the streets - clearly still wearing her Cassie costume from Halloween - during a riot or revolution. Sure, why not. "Diamonds" is beautifully filmed and there are some impressively-staged set pieces but, like Rihanna herself, it has no substance.

The fact that Ke$ha unleashed her era-defining "Die Young" visual at the same time doesn't help Rihcycle's cause. Say what you want about the Jack-swilling pop icon but that clip embodies everything she stands for - sex, drugs, parties, free Nokia phones and glowing Illuminati triangles. Rihanna, on the other hand, looks like an extra that wandered onto the set and then hung around for free food. K$ wins the video battle hands down.

Rating: 1/10

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Ke$ha's New Video Gave Me Epilepsy And I Fucking Loved It

Stop your entire fucking life! Ke$ha's erection-inducing "Die Young" video has finally hit the net and it's every bit as awe-inspiring as we've come to expect from the Queen of soul and many other genres. So where to start? Probably with a warning. If you suffer from epilepsy or took a lot of drugs in the '90s, you might want to watch the clip through sunglasses. My head was spinning so fast by the end of K$'s Apocalypse-themed visual that I now see Illuminati triangles when I close my eyes. I feel so blessed!

The Citizen Kane of music videos begins with a hearse driving into a deserted Mexican village. Don't worry. Paulina Rubio is probably still alive but there seems to have been a cataclysmic event in that part of the world. Obviously the masses got sick of hearing "Diamonds" on the radio and revolted. But I digress. The first glimpse of pop's fiercest warrior took my breath away. Only Ke$ha could pose under a satanic black veil in the back of a death-mobile and still give me wood. Viagra just went out of business because one glance at this siren will redirect your blood flow in seconds!

After being carried into a cathedral like the patron saint of Gothic transvestites, Ke$ha breaks some shit - because that's what edgy cult-leaders do! - and throws a party with her sexy dancers. Apparently only hot bisexuals survive the apocalyse, so it's reassuring to know that Frank Ocean will be ok if the Mayans are right. From that point on, things get kinda crazy with dizzying choreography and a selection of barely-there outfits.

I particularly love the hilarious Nokia promotion. So the world just ended and the last remaining survivors get on their phones to call... who? Clearly it's just a surreal touch (and definitely not a grab for cash) to underline the fact that Dr. Luke's fave is now a true artiste. So embarrassed for your fave right now! And let's just talk about the raunchy bed scene. How hot does she look? Pray for the uncut version to be uploaded to Pornhub!

Ke$ha could have attacked this clip from a number of different directions but I think she made a wise choice. "Die Young" is darker than her usual fare but still glam, glittery and very much tongue-in-cheek. If Lady Gaga did this video it would run for 23 minutes, be shot in black & white and feature Mother Monster performing an interpretive dance in the children's ward of a hospital. Our Queen, on the other hand, just lets her unwashed hair down and has fun. This is an ocean of win.

Song: 10/10, Video: 10/10

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No Doubt - Looking Good - Video Review

No Doubt's Push And Shove is another album I've been meaning to review for months but never really got around to. In a nutshell - I love every song but think it's a bit thin on potential hit singles with the exception of "Easy" and "Looking Hot". So I'm relieved that Gwen and the gang have chosen the latter as the album's official second single. This should be a no-brainer. Killer chorus, lyrics that will get sluts dancing faster than free alcohol and superb production that blends genres while never losing its top 40 radio appeal. My favourite part is the dancehall breakdown towards the end. How much have you missed No Doubt?

But back to the video. The first two visuals were a bit disappointing for the band that brought us iconic clips like "Hella Good" and "It's My Life". I thought "Settle Down" was adequately glossy and colourful but "Push And Shove" gave me nightmares. Pop stars of a certain age shouldn't be giving us Blair Witch realness. No one looks good in that clip - and it's an almost impossible task to make Gwen Stefani look anything less than stunning! I'm happy to report they've learned their lesson and gone all glamorous again for "Looking Hot".

At first I had an issue with the mildly ridiculous cowboys and Indians theme. It doesn't really suit the song and struck me as a bit desperate. But then I gave in to the band's eccentric visual and now love it. Sure, it's no masterpiece. The clip looks a bit cheap and the "plot" doesn't make sense but who really cares when Gwen Stefani is rocking Indian fashion with the kind of attitude Cher displayed when she was promoting "Halfbreed"? The styling is absolutely great - love the scene in the teepee with the wolf - and the yummy mummy looks like the pop/rock goddess that she is.

Seriously, why can't Madonna call Gwen's doctor? That man is miracle worker. She still looks 27. Apart from some pretty scenery, a rather cool party scene and the stupid sub-plot about Gwen being captured by cowboys - that's it. And it's enough for me. No Doubt has found their commercial stride again. It will be interesting to see how radio takes to "Looking Hot". If it gets sufficient airplay, this could be the song that returns them to the top of the singles chart. The oddball video (below) can only help. I'm so happy they're back.

Song: 10/10, Video: 8/10

EDIT: No Doubt pulled the video after complaints from Native Americans. Who knew that Gwen Stefani wearing a pink headdress was so offensive? Oh well back to the drawing board.

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Carly Rae Jepsen's This Kiss - Video Review

From Carly Simon to Carly Rae Jepsen. Sounds about right for this blog. I know I haven't found the time to review it - and probably never will - but I'm obsessed with Kiss. The Biebus-approved Canadian pop princess delivers a SAW-era Kylie album (massive compliment) at a time when most bitches are singing about being gang-banged. There's a refreshing innocence about the whole affair that sets it apart and "This Kiss" is as good an example as any of what the album has to offer.

Produced by Redfoo (the sexy half of LMFAO) and the 26-year-old's boyfriend Matthew Koma, the song is basically about being attracted to someone who is not your boyfriend. If they gave this to Rihanna, she'd be singing about being fucked up the arse in a toilet cubicle while her man, mother and grandparents observe. Carly, on the other hand, just dances with the dude and then laments "I couldn't, I couldn't!" You just know she ran to church and confessed her sins after leaving the club.

I was expecting an equally candy-coated video but "The Kiss" is a fairly generic club clip, which is disappointing. If you're going to release a pop tune fit for a Disney princess, you might as well compliment it with an equally over-the-top visual. Instead, Carly just goes to the club with friends, looks incredibly awkward and jumps into a pool at the end. That's literally it.

The video (below) is put together competently enough and Justin Bieber's cash cow looks cute but she's just come off one of the biggest hits of 2012. Why wouldn't they throw more money and imagination at the follow-up? I feel like I've seen this 100 times before. Oh well. "This Kiss" is still a great song and I hope it's a hit. Carly is a breath of fresh air and girls with promise rings need pop stars too.

Song: 9/10, Video: 6/10

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Alicia Keys' Girl On Fire - Video Review

What the fuck is this? "Girl On Fire" had me under its spell from the first listen and I've been patiently waiting for an equally flawless visual to accompany the song. Instead we get Alicia Key's doing housework and paying her bills. Come again? I honestly can't remember the last time a video for a major artist missed the mark this badly. A good film clip adds another dimension to a song. This doesn't even reflect the tortured lyrical content. When I think about a girl on fire, I imagine a woman battling her inner demons - not sweeping the floor.

At least Alicia looks good. The styling and cinematography is beautiful and I love all that green light. For the first 15 seconds I was really excited. But then the 31-year-old superstar just stands in front of some pretty wallpaper and does some chores. I get it. She's a mother, a daughter. But the whole damn clip jumps the shark when she starts doing magical housework. And I'm not being rude - but choreographed meal preparation? Is AK angling for a spot on the Food Network? Then there's the whole lame sub-plot with her husband/boyfriend trying to steal her headphones. By that stage I really had zero fucks left to give.

Something went seriously wrong here. "Girl On Fire" is a concerted effort to give Alicia a more commercial sound after slipping into adult contemporary territory on The Elements Of Freedom. Instead of winning back younger fans, this visual will only appeal to housewives wishing they had magical cleaning powers. I get what she was going for - her point is that every female is a superhero but if she wanted her video to reflect a woman's struggle why not make it realistic? This plays like black Mary Poppins on mushrooms. What a bitter disappointment.

3/10

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Elen Levon's Dancing To The Same Song Video

I don't have anything nice to say about this video, so for once in my life I'm going to shut my big mouth. This is a brilliant pop song and deserves to be a huge hit. I'm very happy to see it surging up iTunes. Go and download it if you haven't already. That is all.

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Lana Del Rey's Ride - Video Review

I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet

I can't remember the last time a full length movie affected me as much as Lana Del Rey's sweeping, ten-minute "Ride" video clip. The indie-pop goddess is now so far ahead of the game when it comes to combining music with a visual element that she's almost created her own genre. This is the kind of ARTPOP Lady Gaga has spent her entire career trying to achieve but just doesn't have the emotional depth to pull off. I thought Lana was verging on self-parody in her "Summertime Sadness" video but she's taken the next step in her perennially gloomy evolution by escaping the sepia-tinged beauty of her mid-20th century comfort zone. The doomed beauty queen loses her crown - and gown - in "Ride", moving through the seedy heart of America on the back of Harley.

I was always an unusual girl

There's so much greatness on display in Anthony Mandler's mini-masterpiece that I'm almost scared to deconstruct it and find a flaw. So in broad strokes, the clip begins with Lana swinging on a tyre against a quintessentially American backdrop of harsh red rocks and watery blue sky. She is no longer the face of elegant repression. The Queen of sadcore sheds her perfectly-coiffed hair and sophisticated outfits in favour of a home perm and denim skirt. It looks like a scene from Easy Rider and, as the video progresses, it soon becomes apparent that the similarities are not a coincidence. Lana's latest incarnation could be a character from that Dennis Hopper classic. She is the ultimate biker bitch, singing and screwing her way across the United States on the back of a motorbike. You know you're in for something special when the narration begins with: "I was in the winter of my life and the men I met along the road were my only summer."

I was born to be the other woman

Broken dreams and lost hope are two of Lana's favourite subject matters but she's never captured them more beautifully on film. We're taken on a tour of truck stops, dive bars and seedy motels. Our doomed protagonist talks us through her life - failed singing career, prostitution and perennial loneliness being some of the highlights - before, somewhat surprisingly given the diva's penchant for doom, finding freedom and unexpected salvation on the back of a motorbike. At least that's my interpretation. Technically, "Ride" is a triumph. The woman formerly known as Lizzy Grant embodies the character superbly - probably because it's just a slightly darker mutation of the Lana Del Rey persona she dreamed up prior to recording Born To Die. She is so defiant and committed to the role because so much of herself went into creating it.

I believe in the person I want to become

And then there's Anthony Mandler's exquisite direction. Every scene is a work of art. How can you make being fucked from behind on a pinball machine by a disgusting, old man so heartbreakingly beautiful? Or the moment where the biker carefully brushes her hair so touching? My favourite scene is probably where Lana points a gun to her head while wearing an Indian headdress. The camera is hand held and the shot is framed slightly off-centre. It would have been temping to shoot the soon-to-be iconic moment square-on but that would have been a little too perfect. Anthony understands that Lana is a study in frayed beauty and bottled turmoil. I thought the pair's "National Anthem" video would be hard to top but this easily surpasses it.

11/10

The "Paradise Edition" of Born To Die is released on November 14. I already ordered the boxset!

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Lordtina Is Now The Patron Saint Of Toilet Sex: 'Your Body' - Video Review

It's finally here! Christina Aguilera's "Your Body" visual dropped this morning and I'm still reeling from its brilliance. First things first. The preview was misleading. I thought Xtina was going to spend most of the clip guzzling beer in a trailer park like Beyoncé in "Party" but that's just a tiny piece of the puzzle. The always-edgy music legend actually plays a horny femme fatale who goes on an extremely colourful murder spree. In an unusual but possibly inspired dieting strategy, Christina swaps cake for cock. And she's as insatiable as ever!

Lordtina fucks in cars, sleazy motel rooms and a toilet cubicle. Which pretty much confirms that she's a gay man trapped in a woman's body. This also explains why she looks like a contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race.  The thing is - it works. Xtina has always been a more-is-more kinda girl. She would look naked without a kilo of make-up and enough fake hair to insulate a house. I love the way the director camps up the murders by using paint and glitter instead of blood and the scene where Christina poses by the side of the road on her suitcase like a cracked out teletubby is so fucking ridiculous/amazing that I have no choice but to watch it on repeat.

Time will tell if "Your Body" is powerful enough to break the curse of Bionic. It debuted in the US top 40 this week and has been fairly stable on iTunes after an initial post-release dip. Fingers crossed radio gives Xtina a chance and she hits the TV circuit to promote it. Pop needs this bitch to get her groove back. Someone has to keep tireless publicity whores like Rihanna and Lady Gaga in check. This is a good start.

8/10

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Kylie Gets It Right With Flower - Video Review

Now this is the kind of bar-raising brilliance I expect from the woman I've idolised since childhood! It's no secret - pun intended - that I've been suffering from Kylie fatigue lately. "Time Bomb" was a dreadful single and I struggled to muster much enthusiasm for her orchestral album. The former was beneath her and The Abbey Road Sessions struck me as completely unnecessary. I might have to rethink my opinion of the latter after hearing the finished version of "Flower". Kylie has her groove back, which makes that your lame fave even more irrelevant than usual.

The "Flower" saga actually begins way back in 2008 when Dannii's slightly more prolific sister performed the ballad on her X tour. It pretty much stole the show with its eerie lyrics - interpreted by many to be a deeply persoanl lament about the legend's as yet empty womb - and sweeping production. A studio version was recorded and slated for an X re-release that never happened. Most of us thought it was lost forever but somebody wisely stuck it on the orchestral album and the track made the project interesting again.

What slays me most is how understated the studio version of "Flower" turned out. I was half-expecting something bombastic and overbearing but it's sparse and intricate. Steve Anderson brings Kylie back to the Deconstruction era and I don't think anyone is complaining. The video is similarly subtle. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed a Minogue offering as much as this classy black and white affair (to be honest, it was probably "All The Lovers"). It's part "Finer Feelings", part "Where The Wild Roses Grow" - with a splash of "Where Is The Feeling?" for good measure.

Let me translate for non-stans/people born after 1990. "Flower" is a beautifully filmed, plot-less video that showcases the pop icon's timeless beauty with stunning photography and clever direction. It also has an inexplicable trace of danger. Probably because I'm always terrified Nick Cave is lurking around the corner with a rock any time Kylie sets foot in water. This is the kind of sophisticated clip that makes Madonna look like a washed-up circus act. I am now ready for The Abbey Road Sessions. That is all.

10/10

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