Is This The Biggest Mess Of 2012?

Romanian pop legend Inna has a new song called "INNdiA". Is she for real? I can't even fathom the tackiness of this mess! For starters, she looks like Michael Jackson on the single cover and the scintillating anthem begins with the line "welcome to INNdiA". It just gets worse from there. Sure, there is something magical about the so-bad-they're-breathtaking lyrics ("oh la la la la I hear you calling INNdiA") and the cheap Eurotrash production but I expect better from her. Inna is a pan-European pop sensation with a string of top 10 hits across the continent.

I love both of the dance diva's albums but if this is a taste of her third long-player, I'm gonna have to smoke a lot of pot to enjoy it. The video (below) is just as mesmerisingly awful as the song. The stunning beauty plays a stripper who saves a fellow pole dancer from abuse and then drags her to a high class lesbian club. It's the Eastern European music video equivalent of Showgirls. Actually, when I think about it like that, "INNdiA" becomes infinitely more appealing. So what's the verdict? Is this a trash triumph or tacky turkey? I'm more torn than Natalie Imbruglia...

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Lena Sparkles With Stardust

I haven't posted any German pop music for a while, mostly because I haven't heard anything good in months. But the drought is over. Lena's new single is the best thing the 2010 Eurovision winner has ever recorded. Yes - even better than her international breakthrough "Satellite". The first thing you notice about "Stardust" is how far the 21-year-old has come in the past two years. I used to find Lena's quirkiness forced and off-putting but her current German chart-topper is convincingly offbeat, while still boasting a great pop chorus and catchy beat. Think Lenka meets Lykke Li (in a good mood)!

The next thing you notice is Lena's sophisticated new image. She looks gorgeous in the classy video (below), which finds the newly glamorous diva wandering around the Spanish desert in a series of outfits straight out of Lana Del Rey's wardrobe. It's beautifully shot and complements the song perfectly. This is one of those rare singles where everything from the mysterious cover art to the video clip is just right. I wasn't a huge fan of her first two albums but I'm counting down the days until the October 12 release of her third opus. That Eurovision monkey is now well and truly off her back.

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Jenifer - Sur Le Fil

I've been posting a lot of French pop music lately. Nobody seems particularly interested but that's never stopped me. My latest obsession is Jenifer. She's basically the French Kelly Clarkson - albeit without the huge voice and power ballads. The 29-year-old diva won the first season of Star Academy in 2002 (an Idol/X Factor type talent show) and has remained (relatively) popular ever since, while other contestants have faded into oblivion. I imported her last album after stumbling across the still flawless "Je Danse" online and was excited to learn that Jen is back to school your faves in the art of pop. "Sur Le Fil" is an absolute triumph. It's equal parts "Moves Like Jagger" and Daftpunk - with a generous splash of the French beauty's own brand of elegant dance-pop. An English version of the song would be absolutely massive. It's so summery and catchy! Annoyingly, "Sur Le Fil" isn't available on Australian iTunes - so you'll have to import her album or get creative. In the meantime, check out the colourful video (below) and brace yourself for one of 2012's best tunes.

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Ilia Darlin Continues To Win

The more I hear of Greek synth-pop diva Ilia Darlin, the more I love her. She first appeared on my radar in early 2011 with a cute Lady Gaga knock-off called "Car Crash", which she appears to have subsequently disowned, before emerging again in January this year with the poptastic "Hit Me". Her sound and image continue to evolve with "Even When I Lose I'm Winning". This flawless pop gem has a distinctly '80s vibe that I love and the kind of anthemic chorus that would guarantee a huge hit for someone with a higher profile. Fans of dreamy synths will also get their fix here. Ilia is really impressive. She takes pop seriously and deserves to be in the same conversation as European pop icons like Robyn, Yelle and Vanbot. Everything from the cover art (above) to the song and quirky video (video) works perfectly. Speaking of the latter, I don't know whether to be terrified or turned on by the leotard-clad molester! Lady Gaga could never.

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Et Alors, It's French Pop Diva Shy'm!

It's been a while since I featured some quality Euro-pop on the blog, so I was really excited when a friend told me that flawless French diva Shy'm was back in the game with a new song and album. The gorgeous 26-year-old has a long list of hits under her belt but I thought she had retired to pursue a career in television after rocking my world with 2010's epic dance opus Prendre L'air. It turns out that Dancing With The Stars was just a passing distraction and the Martinique-born beauty has returned to put your fave in her place. Poor Lorie is so pressed right now! "Et Alors!" is a typically fierce pop anthem. I love how it begins with guitars before plunging headfirst into clubland. The chorus is insane and I'm here for all the little vocal hooks. Then there's the video. I've noticed that French pop artists still bother to make great film clips. This one is actually quite simple in comparison to the mini-movies that Mylène, for example, makes but the editing is crisp, the concept is concise and Shy'm looks amazing. "Et Alors!" deserves to be massive and I'm gagging to hear the new album. Watch in awe below.

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Ricky Martin's Ex Releases Awful Pop Song With Softcore Video

I have featured a lot of shit on this blog over the years but Valerio Pino's "GogoStar" is truly without merit. This formerly smokin' hot piece of Eurotrash - what happened to the beard and chest hair? - speaks about being an erotic dancer in heavily-accented English against some of the clumsiest beats ever thrown together on someone's home computer under the influence of cocaine and poppers in Chueca. I know that sounds kind of amazing but it isn't.

The song plods along aimlessly and any camp value is stamped out by the 31-year-old Italian's complete lack of personality. Valerio takes himself way too seriously for a man pretending to fuck a mannequin in his video clip! So who is this tool? I thought his name sounded familiar and it turns out he once dated Ricky Martin. Or was at least linked to him. I'm sure it was a true meeting of the minds. Not that I'm judging after seeing some of model's tasteful nudes, which I forced myself to look at for research purposes!

Unfortunately, "GogoStar" isn't even good for a perve. Valerio looks a mess in the video. Admittedly, it's not easy to exude sexy when you're wearing a butt-plug shaped sequined g-string and humping a dummy. I just can't.

Check out: some of the vocal giant's sexy pics.

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Eva Simons Is On A Mission To Slay

Eva Simons is comin' for ya faves. Be afraid! The Dutch diva has threatened to break through a couple of times in the past - most notably with 2009's epic "Silly Boy" and last year's US top 50 hit "Take Over Control" - but 2012 could be the year she really does some damage. Make no mistake; her latest single is an absolute smash. Crisply produced by massively-hyped German DJ Zedd (best known for remixing Skrillex and Lady Gaga), "I Don't Like You" sounds like a modern day "I Will Survive" - on crystal meth and battery acid. The fuck you, I'm moving on theme is always a winner and Eva brings real emotional depth to Zedd's icy beats with her brilliant vocal. There's no word yet if the song is going to be released in Australia but given her previous success here - both singles went top 50 - it would seem likely. I guess we'll know more when the video drops. In the meantime, listen to the Mohawk aficionado's hit-in-waiting below.

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Kerli Redeems Herself With Zero Gravity

I'm proud of the fact that I was one of the first bloggers to write about Kerli back in 2008. From the moment I heard "Walking On Air", I was hooked. The Estonian diva brought something fresh and interesting to the table and her debut album, while somewhat hit-and-miss, had its fair share of decent tracks. But then I saw her perform "live" last year in Chicago. I'm pretty forgiving when it comes to PAs in packed gay nightclubs but this was one of the worst performances I've ever seen. She shuffled on stage looking like Baby Spice on crystal meth, mimed a couple of songs while staring at her feet and ran away at the end without as much as a wave to the crowd. Fuck that.

So when her latest single dropped I didn't even bother with it until curiosity got the better of me. I'm incredibly annoyed to admit that it's incredibly brilliant. In fact, "Zero Gravity" is one of the best pop songs I've heard all year. The heavy techno-beats - complete with subtle dub-step breakdown at the end - are the perfect foil for bubblegoth pioneer's fragile voice and, dare I say, beautiful lyrics. Kerli should release an acoustic version to showcase them. The video (below) looks like a remake of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" on half the budget and twice the LSD. All is now forgiven and I'm very excited about her sophomore album. I think I'll give her live shows a miss though, at least for the immediate future.

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Ilia Darlin Returns With "Hit Me"

Ilia Darlin appeared on my radar early last year with her quirky debut single "Car Crash". That demented anthem was hard to ignore. The Greek Gaga (as she was erroneously described in press releases) delivered a heavily-accented gem about having the last laugh - complete with a butcher shop-themed video and a rather fetching neon string bikini. Needless to say, she became an instant favourite of mine and I had my fingers crossed that the song would take off. It didn't.

Happily, Ilia is back with a slightly watered-down image, better pronunciation and a more commercial pop sound. Her label is even promoting the new track as her debut - dismissing "Car Crash" as a buzz single. Uh huh. The good news is that the song is a triumph. Produced by Billy Mann (Pink, Kelly Rowland and Robyn), "Hit Me" is a crisp dance anthem with a huge chorus that is equal parts Eurovision and underground electro. The video is also pretty cute with Ilia apparently running away from home to sing in empty nightclubs while writhing around on stage like a stripper. She looks gorgeous and it's oddly perfect for the song. Make no mistake, Ms Darlin is definitely one to watch in 2012.

"Hit Me" is released digitally on January 30.

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Vengaboys Release Australian Tour CD

Quick, somebody call Uncle John from Jamaica and let him know that the most essential pop album of 2011 hits stores Decemember. Yes, people. The Vengabus is heading for Australia this Summer and Central Station is releasing a long-overdue greatest hits package to celebrate. All your favourites are present and accounted for including the seminal "We Like To Party (The Vengabus)" and the most played song on Dannii's iPod ("We're Going To Ibiza"). The only thing missing is the band's amazingly awful ode to nude-swimming "Skinny Dippin'" but the bonus disc of cheesy remixes more than makes up for it. So there you go. The ultimate stocking filler is less than a fortnight away. Talk about the gift that keeps on giving!

Here's the tracklist:

CD1

1. We Like To Party (The Vengabus)
2. Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!!
3. Up & Down
4. We're Going To Ibiza
5. Parada de Tettas
6. Superfly Slick Dick
7. Shalala Lala
8. Kiss (When The Sun Don't Shine)
9. Ho Ho Vengaboys!
10. Uncle John From Jamaica
11. Cheekah Bow Bow (That Computer Song)
12. To Brazil!
13. Your Place Or Mine?
14. Forever As One
15. Rocket To Uranus

CD2

Remixes

To get you in the Venga-mood, here's their glorious cyber-sex anthem "Cheekak Bow Bow (That Computer Song)". Does it get any better? See you at their Sydney gig!

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Soraya's Latest Triumph

Soraya has cemented her status as Europe's leading vocalist by dressing up as James Brown - complete with brown face - and covering "I Feel Good" on Spanish TV. Her version is so much better than the original. Is there anything this woman can't do? From coming 23rd at Eurovision to scoring a number 89 airplay hit in Russia, the pride of Extremadura has experienced more success in the past two years than your fave will in a life time! One question though. Where is the fucking "Stick Shift" video? And why have there been no further singles from "Dreamer"? I think the answer is clear. Soraya is simply too sexy for the European Union and conservative politicians have conspired to derail her triumphant career. The time has come for the pop legend to spread her wings and move to Australia where her talent will be appreciated. But maybe leave the brown paint in Spain. And hurry up and release "I Got You" or "Twilight" as a single!

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