The 25 Worst Singles Of 2012

Another night, another massive outpouring of shade. This time I'm revisiting the worst singles of 2012. And yes, it was difficult to narrow them down to just 25. In a year marked by generic production, pointless samples and terrible remixes - there really was a lot to choose from. Many of the usual suspects are present and accounted for but a couple of my faves dropped the ball as well. I tried to limit each artist to one appearance but a couple of them were repeat offenders and pop up multiple times. I'm looking forward to working on my 'best of' countdowns over the next few days. Reviewing all this bad music is starting to take a toll!

So here are the 25 worst singles of 2012:

25. C'mon Let Me Ride - Skylar Grey feat. Eminem (Video)

Poor Skylar. All that talent and her major label debut single is a humiliating song about riding Eminem's dick.

24. Timebomb - Kylie (Video)

I love Kylie but this is one of the worst singles of her glittering 25 year career. "Timebomb" is dated, boring and embarrassing. Let's just pretend it never happened.

23. Trouble - Leona Lewis (Video)

A shockingly obvious copy of Emeli Sandé's "Daddy" - only without the darkness, grit and catchy chorus.

22. Inndia - Inna (Video)

This dumb bitch must have been smoking the good stuff when she decided to release a song about how much her name sounds like India.

21. Wings - Little Mix (Video)

En Vogue called and want their act back.

20. Don't Stop The Party - Pitbull (Video)

You know, I can deal with Pitbull when he randomly shouts out a couple of city names and then says "dale!" on someone else's track but a whole song of his bullshit is harder to take than a 12" cock.

19. Give Me Your Luvin' - Madonna, Nicki Minaj and M.I.A (Video)

Did Madonna really think she'd get all the kids singing "L-U-V Madonna" just because she stuck a couple of desperate feature-creatures on her record? The level of delusion is truly galling.

18. She Wolf - David Guetta and Sia (Video)

Sia continues to sell her soul to satan with yet another low rent feature. As much as I hate David Guetta, "Titanium" was a triumph. This is just a fat South Australian wailing non-sensical gibberish about a she-wolf over tired beats that made me feel abused like a coffee machine in an office. Shakira fans will get that last reference!

17. That's What We Do - Ashanti (Video)

Why is this redundant bitch still trying?

16. 16 & Unstoppable - Christina Parie (Video)

I interviewed Christina and she was lovely. Which is why someone needs to tell her to enrol in TAFE next year and get a real job because the music thing ain't gonna happen.

15. Whistle - Flo Rida (Video)

Oral sex tips from the man who brought us "In The Ayer". Thanks. 

14. You Won't Let Me - Karise Eden (Video)

That frumpy chick from The Voice desperately wants to be Adele. Shame then that she's another Casey Donovan.

13. Best Of You - Anastacia (Video)

A washed-up cunt singing bad karaoke.

12. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)

This is too easy. Madonna still remembers when dinosaurs walked the earth. In which alternate universe is she considered a girl? Let it go, bitch. Lady Gaga already stole your gays and nobody else gives a shit.

11. Cockiness (I Love It) - Rihanna (Video)

Think Katy Perry's "Peacock" without the tongue-in-cheek humour or thinly veiled penis metaphors set to migraine-inducing generic beats. It sounds like the worst porn soundtrack ever.

10. I Luv Dem Strippers - 2 Chainz and Nicki Minaj (Video)

The title says it all.

9. Naked - Dev feat. Enrique Iglesias (Video)

I dare you to talk me through the appeal of Dev with a straight. The woman literally has nothing going for her. She can't sing, has no charisma and looks like she was beaten with the ugly stick more severely than Ed Sheeran. Even the presence of Enrique can't save this mess.

8. Gogostar - Valerio Pino (Video)

Sucking Ricky Martin's cock does not entitle you to embark on a pop career.

7. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)

Delta was let out of the stable long enough to record the worst Australian dance song of 2012. It was a good idea in theory - I like the Tommy Trash remix of "Believe Again" - but this is so self-conscious it hurts. Delta really thinks she's recording "Someone Like You" when she's really just picking up where Ricki-Lee left off.

6. Laserlight - Jessie J and David Guetta (Video)

Can this cunt just go away? Please?

5. Ice - Kelly Rowland and Lil Wayne (Video)

Nobody was here for Kelly's desperate "Motivation" sequel, which sounded like a Penthouse letter set to really, really bad music. The image of Kelly shoving ice cubes into her vagina has haunted my dreams ever since.

4. Scream & Shout - Britney and will.i.am (Video)

This sums up everything that is wrong with music in 2012. An abomination.

3. Starships - Nicki Minaj (Video)

How does Nicki still have a career after this song? It's worse than Pitbull's last 37 collaborations put together. I can't even enjoy the inherent camp appeal because Nicki is such a egotistical bitch that she probably thinks this is the new gold standard for pop, dance and R&B. Unforgivable.

2. Birthday Cake - Rihanna and Chris Brown (Video)

Because everyone wanted to hear Rihanna and Breezy sing about how much they enjoy fucking each other. And then there's the sheer THIRST. Why bother with this when they're capable of singing something respectable like "Nobody's Business"? Attention is the only reason I can think of.

1. On Top - Johnny Ruffo (below)

I have a high tolerance for crap. I really do. But everything about Johnny's debut just makes me cringe. The lyrics, his voice, the video - all painfully embarrassing. His follow-up was a lot better but the sheer shittiness of this record torpedoed his career before it even began. Thank god he scored a role on Home & Away because the music thing really didn't work out.

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The 15 Worst Albums Of 2012

Everything about 2012 sucked - including pop music. I can't remember another year when I struggled to find a single album to enjoy from beginning to end. There were quite a few good ones but only a handful of truly great records. On the flip side, there was no shortage of stinkers. I feel like the music industry is in a rut. The electro-dance trend is finally running out of steam and other genres (apart from country) simply don't sell at the moment. So what's a bitch to do? Record a lazy, half-arsed album that just treads water turned out to be the popular choice.

As such, putting this list together too easy. I could have made a top 50 but couldn't be fucked revisiting that many shockers. Instead I chose to concentrate on the main offenders. Surprisingly, a number of former faves are included. It pains me to admit that many of these divas were once near and dear to me. Of course there are also a bunch of regulars that continue to commit crimes against music. Speaking of which, I should give Leona Lewis a special shout out. Glassheart is her first album not to feature on my annual 'worst of' countdown. It's not gonna make my best of countdown either but congratultions are still in order!

So here goes. These are the 15 worst albums of 2012:

15. Fear & Freedom - Ricki-Lee

Oh look, it's my old friend Ricki-Lee! I don't know where to start with this saga. After years of blind fandom - search the site - I wrote a critical review of her "Do It Like That" video and triggered World War III. It was all a bit embarrassing but I still had high hopes for Fear & Freedom. After all, "Raining Diamonds" was a triumph and Ricki has some of the best pipes in the country. Unfortunately, her third offering is a collection of limp dance anthems that Melissa Tkautz would turn down for being too dated. Frustratingly, there are a couple of gems. I love the current single "Burn It Down" and think "Never Let Go" is a hit. The rest is as generic as Homebrand toilet paper.

14. The Truth About Love - Pink

This album was great when it was originally released as I'm Not Dead. It was slightly less enjoyable when rehashed as Funhouse and almost unlistenable the third time around with the exception of "Try". Which is a cover anyway. When are people going to wake up to this fraud?

13. Timomatic - Timomatic

How ridiculous is that cover art? Tim looks like a gay pimp that was just assaulted by the world's worst Photoshop newcomer. Sadly, the music isn't much better. The first two singles were magnificent - particularly the epic "If Looks Could Kill" - but the rest is generic urban-dance trash that Chris Brown wouldn't piss on. I think Tim has talent but, on the evidence of this, very little charisma and no versatility. Maybe a career as a dancer is the way forward?

12. Electra Heart - Marina & The Diamonds

Now this stings. I've been supporting Marina since the beginning. In fact, I used to chat with her on Myspace before she was even signed. And then it all came together. The pre-debut vinyl EPs moved me to tears and The Family Jewels hit all the right notes. But it didn't sell and that obviously rubbed the openly ambitious Marina the wrong way. So she worked with a bunch of big producers, dumbed down her sound and limited her lyrical scope to standard radio fare. Electra Heart produced one hit single but ultimately sank faster than the Bionic. I hope it's a lesson learned.

11. Tresspassing - Adam Lambert

I really want to like Adam Lambert. He has all the makings of a great pop star - apart from good songs. What annoys me the most about Tresspassing is that he bragged about making the album he always wanted to make. So he spent his whole life dreaming of a poorly-executed Pink tribute album? Where is the guts? More disturbing, where is the glam? This is such a shitty, watered-down affair with no style and nothing even resembling a hit. I'd take his last, blatantly commercial album over this epic fail any day of the week.

10. Heartbreak On Hold - Alexandra Burke

This poor bitch. Alexandra realised that walking in Leona's middle-of-the-road footsteps would lead to ruin, so she tried to shake things up and reemerge as an edgy club diva. It was a pretty good plan until she had the misfortune of hooking up with the worst producers in the history of popular music. Dated doesn't begin to describe these tired-as-fuck beats. I blame the label. Releasing something this poorly crafted is just setting someone up to fail. Oh well, there's always Celebrity Big Brother. Right?

9. Halycon - Ellie Goulding

Chalk this up as another bitter disappointment. I loved her debut despite those ricepaper thin vocals and limited lyrical scope. Ellie was just starting to get some serious traction with US top 10 hit "Lights" and then decides to turn her back on the perky synthpop sound that made her famous in favour of meandering indie-pop fare and semi-acoustic ballads. Why? With the exception of "Anything Could Happen", Halcyon is bereft of hits - and even decent filler for that matter. This is the perfect example of someone pushing boundaries in all the wrong directions.

8. A Million Lights - Cheryl

How do you solve a problem like Cheryl? My suggestion is a bullet.

7. Unapologetic - Rihanna

Read my review. I hear it's really popular with The Navy! You know, this is such a sad little record. Unapologetic is just two good songs slapped together with a bunch of filler to get something on shelves in time for Christmas. Def Jam clearly has no long term plan for Rih or they wouldn't be churning through whatever goodwill she has left after Talk That Talk with another basic-as-fuck rush job.

6. Anxiety - Ladyhawke

I've heard of the sophomore slump but Ladyhawke committed sophomore suicide with this jaw-droppingly dreadful effort. I defy you to find one decent chorus on this stinking piece of shit! It makes me wonder who selected the songs for her debut because this is proof that Pip had no involvement in that flawless pop gem whatsoever. Let's just play "My Delirium" and pretend this never happened. Please.

5. Ten - Girls Aloud

Excuse my while I laugh my fucking arse off. These five talentless cunts really thought they were something special despite never denting a chart outside the UK. To the extent that they all embarked on solo careers and flopped one after the other. Honestly, it was like watching lemmings walk off a cliff!

So with no career prospects left, the already washed-up divas reunite for a Greatest Hits album that barely scraped into the UK top 10 and fell down the charts like a brick being thrown from a second floor window. This tiresome collection of minor UK hits is painfully generic and boring. When are they going to throw in the towel and ask Nadine for a job at Tesco?

4. Roman Reloaded - Nicki Minaj

You know, I was here for Nicki when she broke. Pink Friday was a solid rap album with a couple of pop detours to keep radio interested. The genre was hers to own if she wanted. Instead, she reinvented herself as the female Pitbull on Roman Reloaded - singing generic club-bangers for undiscerning gay men. What the fuck? And yet, the Barbz lapped it up and radio kept playing her shit. I hope Onika enjoys her moment because I've noticed that the tide starting to turn. It's only a matter of time before she's trading mixtapes with Lil' Mama.

3. Infatuation - Kate Alexa

Sorry but I'm going to say it. How ugly do you have to be for someone to suggest your album cover would look better if you brushed your hair over your face? Good lord. The thing that annoys me the most about this abomination is that I was always in Kate's corner when she was being trashed by the media for being Michael Gudinsky's daughter. If my dad ran a record label, I'd expect some special treatment too!

And her first album was extremely cute. I liked all the singles and even stanned for "Teardrops" - her bizarre collab with Baby Bash. But this mess... is unforgivable. Who wrote and produced clangers like "Fucked Up Me", "I Deny" and "I Don't Think So"? I want to know so I can demand a written apology! And don't even start me on "X Rated". Of all the divas I want to hear singing about porn, Kate comes somewhere between Susan Boyle and Judith Durham.

2. Child Of The Universe - Delta Goodrem

Look at this smug bitch sitting at her stupid piano thinking she's a supermodel. Anyone would think she had a career outside of Australia! "Child Of The Universe" is another spectacularly empty and soulless affair that desperately tries to convey Delta's talent but really just showcases her vocal and lyrical shortcomings. And get off that fucking piano. You're not Yanni! Without her stint on The Voice, this would have disappeared in a matter of weeks. Oh it did anyway? GIRL, BYE.

1. MDNA - Madonna

Now let me pull up a comfortable chart because this might take a while. MDNA, or MDOA as I like to call it, is the absolute nadir of Madonna's painfully long career. She's had some lows - ie. every album she's released since Ray Of Light, especially the original Bionic otherwise known as Hard Candy - but I admire her business smarts. When you've been in the game since 1923, you pick up some tricks and the senior citizen is good at following a flop with a commercial album. Like when she bounced back from American Life with Confessions.

And that was obviously the plan this time around. To come back with the most generic, radio-friendly offering she could manage complete with rent-a-rapper Nicki Minaj and that other bitch that noone cares about. So how did it all go so wrong? Some people said she was too old for dance music. There are parts of Madonna that are younger than Birdy, so that's not it. I don't agree that everyone over the age of 40 should singing jazz covers. Kylie, Gwen Stefani and Jennifer Lopez are still making fun music for people half their age. But I guess there's a difference between churning out catchy dance anthems and singing about gang-bangs and being fucked up on drugs.

Who is she trying to impress? We all know Vadge is in bed at five o'clock watching Wheel Of Fortune with all the other oldies. And then there were the heinous single choices. Only the most ratchet queen is going to download a song that spells Madonna's name out in the lyrics. We were all trying to keep this purchase on the downlow! And "Girl Gone Wild"? Bitch, please. That boat sailed in the '80s and is currently rotting next to the Titanic. If nothing else, MDNA did provide fodder for the magical YouTube clip below and proved once and for all that Martin Solveig should never be allowed back in a studio. Ever again.

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Gimme A Rihfund - Unapologetic Album Review

Rihanna is yet to release a truly great album - or even a moderately good one, for that matter. It's no surprise then that Unapologetic is a monumental failure on every level. The captain of the world's most incompetent Navy has always been a singles artist. That's fine. Some divas have mastered the art of the three and a half minute pop song but don't have the depth or talent to hold your interest for 40 minutes. Look at Madonna and Britney. They have only produced one good album between since 1983. The sad thing is - Rihanna doesn't even try. She probably spent more time shooting the cover than recording Unapologetic. And it shows.

Album number seven is a wildly uneven batch of soulless, disconnected tracks that - somewhat bizarrely given its lacklustre sales - picks up where Talk That Talk left off. The label is making a concerted effort to distance the 24-year-old from the commercial dance-pop that made her a superstar and reposition her as a gritty urban diva (albeit with enough electronica thrown in to keep radio happy). It's an uneasy fit. There are a couple of excellent tracks and some amazing production courtesy of the best knob-twiddlers in the game but even those gems are bogged down in tired filler and spoiled by the broard-foreheaded diva's increasingly unappealing attitude.

We get it. You're a bad bitch. But surely there's more to you than bragging about your tits and hits? I wish Rih would just realise that she's manufactured pop star and get on with churning out the generic floorfillers. Trying to cover up her shortcomings with increasingly pornographic photoshoots and invented scandals is becoming less convincing by the minute. Rihanna is less involved in her music career than Heidi Montag. She's just the puppet that Def Jam dusts off once a year to entertain basic bitches and ratchet gays. And we all know it - some of us just don't care.

Here is my track by track review of Unapologetic:

Presh Out The Runway - 1/10

"How could you be so hood but you're so fucking pop?" muses Riri in this pointless piece of noise pollution. Someone like Azealia Banks could have pulled this off. Rihanna just sounds like she's reading quips a cracked-out drag queen smeared on a napkin while doing lines with her in the club. The production is awful too. David Guetta and The-Dream sounds like an interesting combination on paper but it's absolutely painful in reality.

Diamonds - 5/10

I've already written about this Sia B-side at length, so I'll keep it short but I will admit that the song has grown on me. I think it's the Toto sample that holds my attention. Regardless, "Diamonds" is still a dreadful lead single that only got to number one on momentum and sheer marketing acumen. No one will remember this in 5 years.

Numb - 0/10

"Love The Way You Lie" is one of the greatest hip-hop/pop collaborations in recent memory. I feel every word of that song, so I was actually looking forward to Ms Fenty's reunion with Eminem. It turns out to be the album's lowlight. Download this shit if you want to hear the poor man's Shontelle say "numb" 30 times over a sterile beat.

Pour It Up - 2/10

Mike WiLL Made It is one of hip-hop's hottest producers. I loved 2 Chainz "No Lie" and Juicy J's "Bandz A Make Her Dance" but he really needs to stick to rap. The beats come thick and fast but there's no variety and Rihanna's endless bragging about her bumper bank account (thankfully) gets drowned out. It's an unsuccessful experiment but I'd take this over the generic Guetta tracks every single time.

Loveeeeeee Song - 5/10 

Leave it to Future to get the album back on track. I love the production on this. It genre hops effortlessly and the random electric guitar is a great touch. Think of this as an updated version of Prince and Madonna's "Love Song" from 1989 - only with lots of talk about niggas and bitches. Again it sounds forced but this is a solid record.

Jump - 7/10

UK dance act Chase & Status take Rihanna on a dub-step adventure and collect some major scalps. This is an irresistible club record that proves the Barbadian diva is at her best when singing inane lyrics about burning up the dancefloor. The sample of Ginuwine's "Pony" is inspired and I love how mental the breakdowns are. For everyone's sake I hope this is a single.

Right Now - 0/10

Generic David Guetta-produced dance trash for the lowest common denominator of homosexual.  

What Now - 7/10

The only thing I know about this producer is that he is responsible for Jessie J's "Do It Like A Dude". Which is a good thing because that song tricked me into thinking that heinous British bitch was the real deal. "What Now" is a towering, over-the-top electronic ballad that keeps on building and building to the point where it's kind of ridiculous but also rather amazing. Again, the production is great and I like Rih's vocal on this.

Stay - 8.5/10

Hats off to Rihanna's A&R team for stealing this gem from alt-pop maestro Mikky Ekko. No shade. They know a great song when they hear one. This pares things right back to basics for a semi-acoustic piano ballad that is actually rather gorgeous and, dare I say it, classy. It's inevitable that this will be released as a single and I won't even grumble when the pretty love song becomes her 217th number one hit. "Stay" is a quality and will hopefully be a powerful shot in the arm for Mikky's career.

Nobody's Business - 10/10

The star-crossed lovers gave everyone indigestion last year with their unfortunate "Birthday Cake" and I was really against Breezy lowering his standards to sing with Riri again but - to my great surprise - this is truly flawless. The-Dream's slinky, Michael Jackson-sampling production is a treat - I love the '90s vibe - and Chris' smooth vocal caresses your ears like a sex offender grabbing your butt on a crowded train. He really is the new King of pop. But the main reason I approve of "Nobody's Business" is the fact that it's genuine and sincere. I actually believe what Rihanna is singing for the one and only time on the album.

Love Without Tragedy/Mother Mary - 1/10

Best leave the sprawling 7 minute pop songs to Frank Ocean. This tries so hard to be deep and meaningful but it's a bigger misfire than Battleship.

Get It Over With - 1/10

Brian Kennedy produced Jessica Mauboy's "Saturday Night" so you know this is going to be shit. A boring mid-tempo mess that goes absolutely nowhere.

No Love Allowed - 1/10

I usually like Rihanna's dancehall-flavoured grooves but "No Love Allowed" makes "Man Down" sound like "Pon De Replay". No ID sucks the life out of the Caribbean queen on this cure for insomnia. It's obvious that the label were trying to show their cash cow's versatility but it just comes across as calculated and played out. This is the worst kind of filler.

Lost In Paradise - 4/10

My friend Labrinth gets a production credit on this intriguing if somewhat unsuccessful dub-step excursion. I would love an instrumental of "Lost In Paradise". The music is great but Rihanna's vocal gets swallowed by the bone-marrow shaking beats. The end result is well-crafted but unconvincing and ultimately pointless. Much like this album.

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Rihanna's 'Diamonds' - Video Review

unfortunately she doesn't drown

Britney was terrifying during the Femme Fatale era. That vacant stare, those robotic interviews and her complete and utter lack of involvement made it uncomfortable to watch. However, Rihanna is turning manufactured pop-puppetry into artform with Unapolgetic. Did the poor man's Shontelle even know she had an album coming out until her label announced it on Twitter? It's not like the lazy bitch has a single songwriting credit or needed more than a couple of hours to add her bleating goat vocal to the nearly-finished demos. But whatever.

The Navy doesn't give a fuck about Rihanna's involvement (or lack thereof) in her own career. They probably think "Diamonds" is a high-brow musical triumph instead of a tacky Sia B-Side howled over a sample of Toto's "Africa". At least the big-budget Anthony Mandler-directed video showed promised. His recent work with Lana Del Rey has been breathtaking and he was responsible for some of Riri's best videos ("Te Amo" and "Man Down"). Unfortunately, history doesn't repeat. I'm sure this mess was supposed to shine like a diamond but it just ends up stinking like a turd.

For starters, the plot is more confusing than Inception. Can somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on? One minute the original Rita Ora is floating in water like a piece of badly-dressed driftwood, the next a couple of horses are breeding in the great outdoors. Sorry bitch but Mariah did horse porn first and better way back in 1997! She then wanders the streets - clearly still wearing her Cassie costume from Halloween - during a riot or revolution. Sure, why not. "Diamonds" is beautifully filmed and there are some impressively-staged set pieces but, like Rihanna herself, it has no substance.

The fact that Ke$ha unleashed her era-defining "Die Young" visual at the same time doesn't help Rihcycle's cause. Say what you want about the Jack-swilling pop icon but that clip embodies everything she stands for - sex, drugs, parties, free Nokia phones and glowing Illuminati triangles. Rihanna, on the other hand, looks like an extra that wandered onto the set and then hung around for free food. K$ wins the video battle hands down.

Rating: 1/10

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Beyoncé Interviews Britney & Rihanna - The Best Video I Have EVER Seen

Put your life on hold and watch this video! I haven't laughed this much since Keri Hilson performed for free in that Walmart carpark. "Bayonse's Quens Of Flop" is an animated talk show hosted by the legendary Beyoncé Knowles. It perfectly captures Bey's superiority to everyone else on the planet and pretty much leaves the rest of the game wigless and crying in a corner. In this episode, 'Bayonse' interviews Rihanna ('Rhenna') and Britney ('Brinty'). The quips about Rihanna's "tens of fans" and X Factor keeping Britney "off the pills" were perfection. There's even well-deserved Madonna hate. Who is the mastermind behind "Bayonse's Quens Of Flop"? You are my new best friend/soul mate and need to call me immediately! God bless the Beyhive. Which other fanbase could spawn something this ratchet? Bring on the next episode.

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Remembering When Rihanna & Two Other Flops Paid Tribute To Destiny's Child

Way back in 2005 a trio of sad flops were wheeled out to pay homage to Destiny's Child at the World Music Awards. Those "ladies" were queen of the mixtape Teairra Mari, forgotten R&B diva Amerie and a clueless hoe called Rihanna. The performance is interesting - and memorable - for a number of reasons:

1. The focus was clearly on Tea Tea. Given her complete lack of success, it's very easy to forget that she was once, very briefly, hailed as the next big thing.

2. As usual, Amerie is all but hidden behind a curtain. I don't know what this woman has to do to get some respect. Even in her hey day she was an afterthought! Of the three, she is clearly the only one who can sing in key.

3. Rihanna looks like a deer caught in headlights. Bitch can't sing or dance, so obviously she's the one that became a superstar.

4. This shows how kind and sweet Beyoncé really is. Instead of laughing or filing her nails, she claps and sings along and generally appears to be enjoying the show.

5. Kelly and Michelle, on the other hand, all but roll their eyes and give the girls major side-eye. I'm sure Jesus wouldn't approve of the scowl on Tenitra's face but I sure do!

6. Most of all, this clip is awesome because it underlines the amazing talent of Destiny's Child. They make the (then) rising stars look like complete chumps by comparison. DC3 never missed a dance move - apart from the time Michelle fell off the stage - and were always pitch perfect.

Watch a bunch of pretenders take on "Lose My Breath" below.

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Beyoncé, Rih & Baby Blue - 5 Years From Now

Consider my entire existence slayed. 

Via dY's tumblr

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Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 4

Sorry if this week's Pop Panel is an Adele-sized mess. I've been crazy busy, so it was pulled together faster than Rihanna's last album. And while it's a bare-bones edition, the judges are in fine form and I threw in a few extra songs. As for the winner, I'm pleased. It's a great song but I'm sure you'll agree - after hearing and seeing the runner-up's genre-defining smash - that someone was robbed. Typical! Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following regulars:

Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Stephen (US) writer of The Middle Eight

We are also joined by the following guest judge:

David Lim (Aus) writer of the amazing Feed Limmy, radio host and aspiring electro-pop diva!

As usual the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Valerio Pino – GogoStar (Above)

This dude fucked Ricky Martin and hosts a modelling show in Spain.  

David: "Welcome to my body, I'm a GogoStar!" Bitch, I was robbed. This should've been my single. Get me my pocketbook, I'm outta here. 1/5 
Jacques: Finally, some class on the Pop Panel. This should be an easy 5/5, but the diamond underwear in the video didn't accentuate Valerio's pino enough. What's he trying to hide? Is he not livin' la vida loca downstairs where it counts? Poor Ricky Martin wouldn't have felt anything when that little Frankfurt entered his cavernous asshole. 4/5
Mike: Trash is my oxygen but this stinking piece of excrement is quite possibly the worst song of all time. 0/5 
Robbie: Talent. 0/5 
Stephen: I can't. Anything else I say will just get me drummed off the interwebs. 0/5 
Total: 5/25  

Willow Smith - Do It Like Me (Rockstar) (Video)

Pre-teen pop tart unveils the 17th single from her most likely never-to-be-released album.  

David: You know this shit is old news when you're watching a Willow Smith video and thinking, God she was so young then! Why isn't there already a mixtape available with every Happy Meal purchase? Her team is taking this project way too seriously. Let's be real. This caca ain't 4. 2/5 
Jacques: As if it isn't enough that the world is forced to sit through Will Smith's terrible movies, now we have to listen to his spoiled brat of a daughter trying to sing. I'd rather insert a placenta into my asshole than listen to another Willow Smith song again. Somebody needs to take Will, his kids, and his lesbonic beard of a wife, stick them in a plane, and then crash it into the World Trade Center. 0/5 
Mike: This song would have been perfect for Talk That Talk - ie. instantly forgettable and utterly generic. I guess it's time for Willow to fuck off now. 2/5 
Robbie: She hasn't retired yet? I would have assumed her massively successful but exhausting career would have taken its inevitable toll by now. This isn't awful. But it would probably get more attention, at least, if it was called "Do Me Like A (Rock Star)". Too edgy, perhaps? 2.5/5 
Stephen: She did this on her spring break? Why is a ten year old imitating Nona Hendrix? (that dates me, I know). I wonder if lil Willow's next single will be the "Love Theme From Men In Black"? Her daddy should feel bad, making her the youngest one hit wonder ever. 0/5 
Total: 6.5/25

Amel Bent – Délit (Video)

French R&B diva unveils latest single.  

David: Fuck me with a warm baguette. I thought that was Mel B stepping out in the video! I really enjoy mama's raspy vocal tones but am not wet for the "Broken-Hearted Girl" slash "Yesterday" productions. It's a little two years too late. 2/5 
Jacques: Somebody tried to get me to post this crackhead French flop on my blog a while back, and I was like HAIL NO. Songs like this prove why the only relevant French diva in the game right now is the iconic Ysa Ferrer! 1/5 
Mike: Don't pay any attention to these bitchy bottoms. It's clear that their Amel hatred stems from the fact that they're all racist! As for "Délit", it's lovely. She has a great voice and I'm still a fan of the Rico Love circa 2008 R&B synth-ballad. Now, where is her sure-to-be-stunning album? 4/5 
Robbie: I wanted to like this, but it's pretty much pussy. Maybe if she straddled one of the flaming piano legs it would resonate more with the masses? Fuck, I need a drink. 1/5 
Stephen: I kept waiting for the bit where she gets smashed by the lighting rig. Alas she didn't and this was a waste of the precious Saturday night time I usually spend cutting my toenails. 0/5 
Total: 8/25  

Jay Brannan – Beautifully (Video)

Since his frequently nude appearance in Shortbus, Jay has been focusing on music.  

David: Jay Brannan is probably the only gay musician I have "classy" and "romantic" sex dreams about. I don't even go there with Darren Hayes, y'all. Jay's proven himself to be a bankable, "intimate" acoustic performer over the years. All he needs now is a song placement on a TV show. 2/5 
Jacques: Anybody who starred in that pretentious piece of shit Shortbus gets a zero from me. 0/5 
Mike: I agree with Limmy. Jay is just a song on Grey's Anatomy away from a much-deserved commercial breakthrough. Despite the occasional dodgy lyric, "Beautifully" is very sweet in a Jason Mraz kind of way. Nice video too. 3.5/5 
Robbie: Sorry, Valerio - this is how I like my gay singers: fragile and tortured. Fuck happy and sexy. 3.5/5
Stephen: He's grammatically challenged, but pretty. Still, who releases a single with the line, "Every time she comes she cries" and expects it to get any play? Actually, though, there is an instrumental part on this track (at 2:35) that's quite lovely. 3/5 
Total: 12/25  

Rihanna – Where Have You Been (Video)

Rih-cycle's latest flop.  

David: The only Talk That Talk song I've kept on repeat since the beginning. The beats are slamming, so don't none of you power bottoms lie to me and say you haven't been strutting to this too. 4/5 
Jacques: I like this song, but every time I hear it I just think of it as the less flawless "We Found Love". 3/5
Mike: I feel sorry for the Navy. I can't imagine stanning for someone as creatively (and morally) bankrupt as the Rihammerhead shark. Take this generic piece of shit. In two years it will be sound more dated than your average Captain & Tenille track. But that's what Riri's about - disposable music for the iTunes generation. Meanwhile Beyoncé is single-handedly revolutionising R&B with timeless classics. She wins. Bye! 0/5 
Robbie: Other than "We Found Love", this is the best song on Talk That Talk. And that's not saying much. 2/5 
Stephen: Mike Wass - this track is slaying all yer faves. Epic. And the video is just what we needed: a lot of dance sequences,outfits and wiggery, When Riri keeps it simple, it's a win. Bouncey is cryin' in the corner. 4/5
Total: 13/25
 

TaeTiSeo – Twinkle (Video)

Girl's Generation sub-unit unleashes first single.  

David: I love the soulful and vampy swag in TTS' vocals here. The production on "Twinkle" is a proper event! I'm slapping this on a playlist right next to Wonder Girls' "Me, in". 5/5
Jacques: Not only is Girls' Generation the #1 girl group in the world, but even their sub-unit shits on your lousy, talentless faves. "Twinkle" is like all that retro shit that Christina Aguilera used to do, but filtered through Max Martin's Bubblegum machine. I love that some random Girls' Generation sub-unit still sells more records than Britain's biggest girl group, The SaTURDays. Who mad? 5/5 
Mike: I'm not here for sloppy seconds from Girl's Generation and "Twinkle" is a total mess. Wonder Girls have already gone down the retro-pop/soul route with much better results. I suggest these flops jump on YouTube and watch 4Minute's infinitely superior "Volume Up" to see how real K-pop divas do it. Somewhere in Seoul Queen HyunA is pissing herself laughing at this crap right now. 1/5 
Robbie: No. I'm tired of this shit. 0/5 
Stephen: A bunch of tweens pretending to be Janet Jackson. The fluffy white dog is the best bit and I bet he's not on the MP3. 2/5 
Total: 13/25

Little Boots – Every Night I Say A Prayer (Video)

British electro-flop tries her luck again  

David: Victoria's vision of nostalgic dance/pop is something I'm keen to explore a bit further. "Say A Prayer" isn't what you'd expect for a 2012 single, what, with all that '90s house keyboard in your face. But that's probably why I enjoy it. Definite grower. 3/5 
Jacques: I didn't give a flying fuck about Little Boots when she came out with her first album, but the songs she's released since then have all snatched my wig. 3.5/5 
Mike: This video makes me cringe more than Valerio's visual abortion. Ms Boots is rougher than a laborer's hands and the "choreography" is clearly inspired by the time Jacques took too much G and did an interpretive dance outside Palms. I guess it's not all bad. I rather like the kooky production. Should we just wait for a dub? 2/5 
Robbie: I kind of like the faux '90s house piano bit. But the song never really happens like it should, does it? And as for the ironic vogueing, someone needs to tell these dancers that Paris is burning just before throwing them into the flames. 3.5/5 
Stephen: The track is a decent slow burn album cut, but the video is literally embarrassing. She has such an awkward presence (and doesn't seem to know that as she poses). And who is not distracted by that twinky blond queen vogueing his hole all over the screen? Bless. 2/5 
Total: 14/25  

Alexandra Burke – Let It Go (Video)

X Factor flop really wants to be a dance diva.  

David: Can we give this a chance, y'guys? I was ready to hand Alexandra her coat and show her the door after "Elephant" but "Let It Go" actually changed my mind. I think if the category was "pedestrian dance/pop", she would get nines and tens across the floor for this. #Backhandedcompliment. 3/5 
Jacques: Nobody finds Alex Burke a more useless waste of space than I do, and her music is almost as devoid of originality and creativity as that plastic whore Nicki Minaj, but God dammit, I really like this song! I know it's generic filth but it just makes me wanna WERQ 'N' TWERQ till the early hours. If only Dannii Minogue had recorded it instead... 3.5/5 
Mike: Something about this bitch makes me vomit in my mouth. She has a great voice and the occasional good song but she's the musical equivalent of a Sao biscuit. Having got that off my chest, "Let It Go" is one of Alexandra's better tunes. Try the Bimbo Jones remix for the total trash experience. 2.5/5 
Robbie: I almost like that this sounds like a coffee pot percolating up her vajazzle basket. But then I realize, oh, right — it's Alexandra Burke. 2.5/5 
Stephen: The production is so dance track du jour that it's hard to write about. But I speak one truth: It's better than that new trash by The Tweedy. 3/5 
Total: 14.5/25  

Jeronimo – One Kiss (Video)

Dutch twink moves in on the One Direction market.  

David: I love his whole "village twink" vibe with them tees he probably bought at a night market that time he sneaked out with his mama's purse. I'm fucking hooked on my first listen. This is a winner in my books. Jeronimo, boo - take the crown and run for the hills. 5/5 
Jacques: Fuck my life this is atrocious. I thought that it couldn't get any worse than Melody Thornton, and it still can't, but this comes close. 0/5 
Mike: Um, Jacques and Stephen are clearly pressed by this future legend's mind-boggling dance moves and spine-tingling vocal ability. How dare they take their insecurities out on the pride of Europe? "One Kiss" is what The Wanted would sound like if they developed some charisma and - erm - came from Holland.Yes, it's that amazing. And available on iTunes now. 5/5Robbie: FINALLY, a soul singer to put Usher and all those other lame R&B flops on ice. Jeronimo's stunning dance moves are enough to make The Gloved Corpse rise from the grave, combust into a cloud of pink shimmer and die all over again. 5/5 
Stephen: What is it with all the children today? No no no. 0/5 
Total: 15/25
 

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Foster The People – Houdini (below)

Latest singles from Foster The People's mega-successful Torches album.  

David: I wasn't expecting to enjoy Foster The People as much as I have. "Houdini" was an instant fave from the album and I think it works as a sensible companion to "Warrior", that track Mark did with A-Trak and Kimbra. 3/5 
Jacques: I was going to give this a nasty score because I had a computer malfunction that forced me to sit through TWO fucking Youtube ads, but "Houdini" is too funky and fun to shade. I'm dancing on my own to this, Robyn style. 3.5/5 
Mike: Wonderfully catchy synth-rock jam from a brilliant album made even better by one of the year's best videos. Their beyond-the-grave dancing makes my life 4.5/5 
Robbie: Great jam from one of my favorite albums of last year. I love this video, and I heard somewhere that it was actually shot early last year, before "Pumped Up Kicks" became a hit. I'd totally let Cubbie have some D'luvvin'. 5/5 
Stephen: Hmmmm. I bet these boys get a lot of vajayjay. But we're talking about the song? It's an earworm and the video is sick fun. I watched the bit over and over where they get smashed by the lighting rig. I assume this is based on the true story of Britney Spears? 4/5
Total: 20/25
 

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Rita Ora Makes Rihanna Even More Redundant

Damn. Rita Ora just hammered another nail into the dusty coffin that currently doubles as Rihanna's career. The new and improved Roc Nation poster girl picks up where RiRi left off - you know, when she was still popular - on her UK debut "R.I.P.". The Tinie Tempah-assisted club-banger is a surefire smash with its laser-like synths and epic chorus. While I like her US debut "Party And Bullshit",I think this suits the Kosovo-born beauty's voice better and is distinctly more chart-friendly. It has to be said that Jay Z really likes his divas to have a nasal voice and bad attitude. This is the kind of turbo-charged pop tune that his now obsolete Barbadian cash-cow should be making instead of slow jams about getting her pussy eaten. Is it too late to scrap "Party And Bullshit" in the US and go with this instead? The sooner Rita takes the Roc Nation throne the better. Listen to "R.I.P." below.

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Give Breezy A Break

To paraphrase the famous words of Chris Crocker - leave Breezy alone! The wave of anger and spite that followed his recent Grammy performance and subsequent win was as baffling as it was irrational. Chris Brown was tried and convicted by a court three years ago. He's on probation, completed community service and undergone counselling. The Grammy Awards are supposed to celebrate musical excellence but many people clearly wanted them to be used as a tool of additional punishment. Am I the only person that finds this twisted?

Breezy was asked to perform because he had another banner year commercially and artistically. He's arguably the biggest male pop star on the planet and deserved to be at an event showcasing the best in music. As for the controversy surrounding his victory, my only issue is that F.A.M.E. is about as R&B as Aphrodite. But it is a great album and he was due for win. When are people going to let it go and move on? Rihanna clearly has. Take into consideration the following:

- Britney threatened to blow her children's brains out with a shotgun before being carted away in a paddy wagon

- Brandy murdered someone with her car

- Michael Jackson may or may not have been a child rapist

- All of our faves have been up on drugs charges

And yet all of these stars have been forgiven and, in some instances, treated as victims. What is it about Chris that makes usually rational people bay for blood? I have a few theories:

1. It clearly annoys everyone but Team Breezy that the incident hardly affected his career. The hits kept coming and F.A.M.E. sold double his last album

2. Chris comes off very badly in interviews and his perceived arrogance makes him distinctly unlikeable

3. Women beaters are lumped with child molesters as the scum of the earth

The reality is probably a mixture of all three. I'm not going to sit here and apologise for Breezy because I think it's vile to assault another human-being even if it is Rihanna. However, Chris was 19 years old when he committed the offence and, according to all parties, it happened only once. He was also raised by a single mother, who he clearly adores, so I don't think he's a misogynist. I put the assault down to being young, spoiled and stupid. Hopefully he's learned his lesson.

As for his rumoured appearance on Rihanna's "Birthday Cake" - unbelievably tacky. Whether she likes it or not, the one-time hitmaker is the poster girl for battered women and inviting your attacker to jump on the remix of your latest sex jam is seriously fucked up. It's even worse if it doesn't eventuate. Using this unfortunate situation to promote a flop album is morally questionable to say the least.

While we wait to see if the shadiest duet of all time actually happens, check out Breezy's new single "Turn Up The Music" (below). I initially dismissed the song as a bad Taio Cruz rip-off but it's grown on me immeasurably and the video is a winner. Strike up another hit for pop's most hated man.

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The 10 Worst Albums Of 2011

Putting together a list of the year's worst albums was a daunting task. It involved re-listening to a bunch of aural abominations on the off-chance I was too harsh the first time around. Like last year when I included Taylor Swift's "Speak Now" and then had egg on my face when I re-visited it a couple of months ago and decided that Tay Tay's mega-seller was actually a triumph. However, I'm confident that I haven't made the same mistake this year! All ten of these albums give music a bad name and should be avoided at all costs. If you think I've forgotten anything let me know in the comments. And for the record - there is no "Born This Way". It's not brilliant but I'll take 4 or 5 good songs over none any day.

10. Soy La Mejor - Malena Gracia

Malena is the Spanish equivalent of Samantha Fox - only with no hits. That doesn't stop the former Playboy model applying (unsuccessfully) to represent Spain at Eurovision every year or her ability to churn out inane dance music at an alarming rate. I usually worship the ground this icon walks on but "Soy La Mejor" is so horrendously bad that even I have to draw the line somewhere. This entire album sounds like it was recorded in one take on Malena's busted iPhone. Avoid at all costs.

9. Siberia - Lights

Sometimes I hate bloggers. Along comes a pretty girl with a canny stylist and a couple of decent electro-pop songs and suddenly she's the next Robyn. Wrong. I simply refuse to join the frenzied circle jerk over this dire Canadian flop. With the exception of "Toes" and "Banner", Lights' debut album is as pretentious and mind-numbingly boring as her name. Come back, Annie. All is forgiven!

8. Wonder World - Wonder Girls

This makes me sad. The Wonder Girls were always my favourite K-Pop act and I was pulling for them to make it big in America. But if you want to be a success outside of Asia, then you need to leave the gimmicks behind and make music that matches (or preferably exceeds) the current international standard. Instead, the Korean stunners release a bunch of songs that Girls Aloud would have rejected in 2007. There isn't a fresh or interesting idea to be heard on this stilted mess. Give me "Spice World" any day.

7. Secret Codes And Battleships - Darren Hayes

While "Bloodstained Heart" is undoubtedly one of 2011's better singles, the rest of this meandering mess is Rufus Wainwright-lite for tiresome homosexuals of a certain age that don't know better. It's not too late for that Savage Garden reunion...
6. Vows - Kimbra

Kimbra is the real deal. I know it and so does anybody else with ears. She has a great voice and knows how to write a killer pop song (see "Settle Down"). So can someone please explain why I can only make it through the Kiwi's much-hyped debut with the aid of Valium and half a bottle of wine? "Vows" reminds me of Bic Runga's "Birds" - only without the melodies and raw emotional connection. What you're left with is pretty enough but ultimately unengaging and completely forgettable.

5. Cinderella's Eyes - Nicola Roberts

A stinking pile of fake hipster shit that makes Nadine Coyle's Tesco-only smash sound like "The Fame". Give up while you're behind.

4. Snapshots - Kim Wilde

I love Kim. She is a legend and I'll keep importing her stunning German releases until she throws in the towel but there's no excuse for "Snapshots". This abomination finds the English diva destroying classic pop songs by the likes of East 17's ("It's Alright") and Tasmin Archer ("Sleeping Satellite"). The thing that annoys me the most is that this could have been enormous fun. Instead, the weird arrangements and sombre mood make this a truly depressing experience.

3. + - Ed Sheeran

Who anointed this ginger cunt the new James Blunt?

2. Lulu - Metallica & Lou Reed

I was forced to review this insane mess for my day job and the task still haunts me. If Lou Reed mumbling bad poetry over Metallica songs is your cup of tea, then knock yourself out. The rest of us will just pretend that "Lulu" never happened.

1. Talk That Talk - Rihanna

The She By Shereé of pop albums.

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The 20 Worst Videos Of 2011

Now this was hard. 2011 was a great year for really, really bad videos. I feel like people have just given up and either recycle something that took their fancy on YouTube or go for shock tactics by stripping off. Or both if you're Kelly Rowland. To make matters worse, Australia appears to be the world leader in shitty clips. If it was hot ten years ago in America, chances are you got the local equivalent this year. Yay? Admittedly, it's not all doom and gloom. Some of these efforts are hilarious and I think the winning/losing clip is a work of comedic genius. Let me know what you make of my choices in the comments!

20. Collide - Leona Lewis (Video)

Nobody wanted to see this horse-faced cunt in a bikini.

19. Unicorn - Pattyboy (Video)

New Zealand's King of Pop/self-proclaimed male Lady Gaga has polluted YouTube with some truly shocking videos. However, he is trying harder to be less rubbish and "Unicorn" is a step in the right direction - albeit not a big enough one. The toilet-paper outfit, bad choreography and ridiculous marriage to himself earn Pattyboy a spot on this list.

18. What Do You Take Me For? - Pixie Lott Feat. Pusha T (Video)

I know that it's fashionable to hate Pixie but I think her album is stunning. Haters are clearly intimidated by her powerful pipes and flawless beauty. Or perhaps they just saw this stinker. Who decided it was a good idea to turn Miss Lott into the prissy, white Beyoncé - complete with pussy-poppin' hood video? Possibly the least convincing urban transformation of all time.

17. The Edge Of Glory - Lady Gaga (Video)

And the award for the year's most disappointing video goes to "The Edge Of Glory". This is perhaps the only song on "Born This Way" that really lends itself to a meandering, over-the-top production. Everything about Fernando Garibay's anthem is epic - from the massive chorus to the now iconic sax solo. I wanted to see Lady Gaga drive off a cliff on a pink motorcycle and then use the pearly gates as a stripper pole when she landed in heaven. Instead, we get the Germ dancing on a fire escape. That's it. Literally.

16. Super Soaker - Bombs Away (Video)

A boat full of rough bitches shake their tits for attention in this desperate bid to attract the lowest common denominator. Imagine the "Home Girls" section of Picture magazine come to life.

15. When I Think About Sex - Osvaldo Suppino (Video)

Osvaldo is to Italy, what Pattyboy is to New Zealand ie. an epically untalented homosexual, who has spent far too many hours watching Lady Gaga videos on YouTube. The result is a showcase of bad fashion - a bedazzled Lakers singlet? - and worse choreography. The lowlight is when the budding pop star has sex with himself. Gross.

14. Get Together - Marta Sanchez (Video)

I stan for Marta. The Spanish Madonna has been a desperate publicity whore since before your fave was born, so she deserves our respect. But she's not going to get it when she's dancing around the club like a mutton-dressed-as-lamb stripper in some of the least flattering outfits ever captured on film. The Catwoman mask kills me. Marta, it's not hiding those wrinkles. It just makes you look like a victim of early onset dementia.

13. Not My Daddy - Eva (Video)

Eva must have the hottest mouth in LA. That's the only explanation I can think of for her amazing ability to get a record deal in the first place - let alone a song written by Ke$ha and a remix featuring Gucci Mane. Unfortunately, the plus-sized diva didn't get quite enough cash for the video. Bad special effects combine with cheap outfits and Eva's nasty feet to make this offering memorably awful.

12. Marry The Night - Lady Gaga (Video)

The time has come for Lady Gaga to take a year off. She is starting to suffer from diminishing returns both commercially and artistically. If you need proof look no further than "Marry The Night". It flopped miserably around the world and boasts perhaps her worst video yet. This self-indulgent vanity project is almost unwatchable. I enjoy the choreography towards the end but until someone edits it down to 5 minutes, I can't be bothered sitting through it again.

11. Lay It On Me - Kelly Rowland (Video)

You know, if Ms Kelly needs to act like a prostitute to sell records - then so be it. I love "Motivation" and think she looked incredibly sexy in the video. But let's just say lightning didn't strike twice. This scene-by-scene remake of Livvi Franc's "Now I'm That Bitch" is embarrassing. Kelendria looks like a man from certain angles and the onslaught of phallic imagery turns the clip into a parody. On the bright side, it's still a hot song.

10. The Reckoning - The Getaway Plan (Video)

You know your career is running on empty when you have to murder children to get attention.

9. Hold It Against Me - Britney Spears (Video)

What an horrendous way to launch a new album! This tragic mess highlighted everything that's wrong with Britney circa 2011 - the dead look in her eyes, her seeming inability to move and a palpable desperation to remind fans of former glories. No wonder "Femme Fatale" is yet to go Copper in most territories.

8. Radioactive - Brandon Hilton (Video)

If you thought Pattyboy and Osvaldo were sent straight from the bowels of hell, wait 'til you get a look at Brandon Hilton. The aspiring web celebrity turns delusion into an artform on "Radioactive". From the Gaga-lite fashion to Brandon's unfortunate facial expressions, everything about this video is cheap and overwhelmingly nasty.

7. Raining Diamonds - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Why are Australian videos so atrocious? "Raining Diamonds" is such an anthem and deserved an epic video to showcase Ricki-Lee's sexy new figure. Instead, she looks like an admittedly thin fool in this tacky trainwreck. The Barbarella-on-a-budget costumes are as ridiculous as they are unsuited to the lyrics - which I interpret as a mantra not to settle for second best in relationships. Don't even get me started on that cheap set and the plastic guns. This clip is so bad it momentarily made me long for Ricki-Lee's underrated fat phase.

6. 25/8 - Mary J. Blige (Video)

Speaking of great songs with shit videos, here's Mary J. Blige's hot mess "25/8". I honestly don't know what the director was thinking. Did he or she even listen to the song before deciding to stick the iconic diva in a room full of broke-down dancers in a twisted bid to re-create Kelly Rowland's awful "Commander" visual?

5. We Love - Sneaky Sound System (Video)

I wonder how the pitch for this national embarrassment went: "Imagine Miss Connie on a pedestal dressed as Marilyn Monroe - only we'll make her up to look like a sweaty mess, complete with a shiny face and smudged make-up. Then we'll have a couple perform random sex acts, you know, classy shit involving anal-beads. Only when the lights come on they're doing really innocuous things like cleaning the house! Amazing, right?"

4. Inescapable - Jessica Mauboy(Video)

Poor Jessica. I really don't understand how someone so pretty in real-life always looks like the before photo on What Not To Wear in her videos. And this lazy effort is heinous even by her low standards. What's with that fucking turban? "Inescapable" is probably the best Australian pop song of 2011 but the only nice thing I can say about this clip is that's an improvement on "Get Em Girls".

3. Fly - Nicki Minaj Feat. Rihanna (Video)

Onika and Rih-cycle wander around a plane crash in couture outfits looking like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee on the set of Lost. The only this missing is Tyra Banks demanding more broken doll poses in this horrendous four minute episode of America's Next Top Model for low-rent whores.

2. All We Have - Natalie Bassingthwaighte (Video)

"All We Have" will go down in history as the Australian filmmaker's guide for what not to do in a music video. Everything about it is embarrassing. I could go on about the lame concept and bad lighting but the clip's biggest sin is making the star of the show look ridiculous. Natalie Bassingthwaigthe resembles an extra from Cocoon squeezed into a dress Lady Gaga rejected during The Fame era. It's not flattering and made worse by the fact she's surrounded by dancers young enough to be her grandchildren. American directors still make Madonna look good and she's a couple of minutes older than Nat - so why can't local talent do the same?

1. Liar Boy - Cindy and Sheila Rhyme (Below)

This was tough. I couldn't decide whether to crown "Liar Boy" the best or worst video of 2011. On the one hand, I'm here for these iconic divas and immediately downloaded their future pop classic from iTunes after seeing the clip. On the other hand, words cannot adequately describe how awful this is. Bad teeth, worse outfits, shocking dance moves and the dodgiest editing in recent memory make "Liar Boy" the most heinous (and hilarious) clip of the year.

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